I don't deserve to be here

[Skane]

I am a 66 year old man who shouldn't be wasting peoples time on here.  After years of depression & a couple of half arsed attempts at suicide, I am beginning to think I have Bipolar.  I am on prescription medication for a variety of things including depression.  I am a retired functioning alcoholic.  I have it all.

I normally get over my issues by riding one of my motorcycles (generally toward a pub somewhere) which helps me immensely . (the ride not necessarily the pub). I am for the most part comfortable with my own company but easily fall into conversation with others.  I just wish I didn't have these random attacks that leave me devistated & emotional to the point where I struggle to deal with my mental train of thought.

I know that sooner or later I am going to disappoint my wife & supposed friends by taking the "easy"

[Emotions26]

Hello Skane

I am struggling with going to bed lately. Not a good habit to get into I know logically.

Visited the forums as feeling quite out of sorts again today.

Saw your post.

So here I am saying hello

and

You have every right to be here.

writing on the forums is what they are here for.

so you are not wasting anyone’s time including your own.

You have found a place where many others have similar thoughts to those that you have expressed.

You sound as though you are a friendly sociable person conversing with others.

You connect with others and offer them a listening ear. Any one of them might be struggling without you knowing and you are actually helping them in that moment.  See you do deserve to be here.

For me I just want to be able to be myself without judgement and have someone actually want to listen to me not just talk at me.

My dreaded D comes and goes with a mind of it's own.

Depression is not selective and you have done well to write a bit of your story.  

The hardest part is when we think that we are over it, back it comes another time.

This is when I tell myself well I have proof that it does eventually go away.

Writing down my feelings, thoughts helps get some of the awful stuff in my head out.

The bipolar question I would leave that one up to a specialist.

Talk about it with your doctor or psychiatrist until they listen.

Riding your bike I imagine allows you to be free of feelings and thoughts and just be aware of nature and how alive you are. Wonderful.

Keep riding.

Stay safe

Ems

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Skane (and Ems too),

Your post resonated with me and I understand the feelings. Only a few days ago I said to my psychologist I feel I have no meaning to anyone or anything and no purpose to my existence. But I think as Ems so well explained, your conversing in a friendly way with others is where you connect, and in that connection is the meaning we can lose when we feel isolated and without a sense of value. I think for some of us we fall back into the feeling like we don't deserve to be here. For me that pattern is connected with complex trauma from childhood.

I relate to what you say about getting on your motorbike and riding. I get strong drives to just get in my car and drive. It does actually really do something for me. I live in a regional area and love to drive out into other regional areas. I enjoy meeting people along the way such as at the camp kitchens in caravan parks and having a good chat, but then I am happy to be on my own again just travelling through and connecting with landscapes. I think some of us need that feeling of freedom and space to rebalance and ground ourselves.

I have found when I can see the why of something it makes it a little easier to understand and deal with. Perhaps you can work on gently uncovering what may be driving the experiences of emotional devastation that arise, maybe with your GP and/or psych if you have one. And it is so important to know that things move in flux all the time. When you are feeling at your worst, it's so important to remember this too shall pass and you can cycle back to feelings of connection again. It's just so hard when you are in the midst of the difficult feelings and emotions.

You do deserve to be here and by opening up and sharing your experience you are also helping others go through similar struggles.

Take care,

ER

[Emotions26]

Hello Skane,

I do hope that you do not mind me writing to you again.

You might want to be left alone whilst you grapple with your busy mind telling you everything that is unhelpful.

I wish that there was a way in this mixed up world that myself and Eagle Ray along with others reading could convey to you how much you deserve to be here.

I truly mean that. You  are a person who feels and thinks about others.

Eagle Ray I am sorry that you also feel that way at times. I have been conversing with you a few times and do not remember reading that part. Perhaps my mind has muddled it up with some other event.

Finding people at caravan parks in the camp kitchens what a brilliant concept.

I do not like driving at night any more though as I had a frightening experience with a very large kangaroo a few years back.

I too live rural/edge of city hills.

I do feel like you both have described at times. Have many chats with myself.

Driving does not usually clear my head most of the time. Walking does as I connect with everything that I see, hear, feel, smell all around me in nature. My environment affects me immensely. Great chatting to different varieties of birds. Frogs in the wet weather as the river bed fills and wetland areas soak up the rain.

So your words that you thought were wasting people's time on here have actually done far more than you could imagine.

You have allowed myself and Eagle Ray to not feel as alone with our struggles.

Mad mad world.

Take care all

Ems

ps      age is irrelevant. I still have birthdays but no longer age in years.