I called the Suicide call back service today.

[Fiatlux]

I am grateful for the suicide call back service.

I see their number all the time but today I had the courage to call them.

I have been spiralling down since last December and trying to cope alone.

I hate to rely on my children. But my son didn’t answer or reply this morning, so I called someone else. A complete stranger. Someone who makes themselves available on a Sunday morning to help total strangers like me to basically stay alive for another day.

My darling son did eventually reply to me and I told him that I would be ok now.

I hate to burden him with this. I love and appreciate him so much. I want to stay for him and I want to see him thrive. He deserves better. I am trying to be better for him and he is keeping me going for now. I know that if I go now, this would cause him so much distress and stress. I love him so dearly. He’s the kindest sweetest person that I’ve ever known. Just pure good. People like him deserve so much more and so much better. He’s an amazing young man. I so wished that I had half the goodness and courage and compassion that he possesses.

I have such a throbbing headache from crying since 8am this morning and I can’t seem to stop it. My eyes are so sore from the tears. I am going to be a wreck tomorrow for work. But I am going to struggle through this post and take it one day, one hour as it comes. That’s all I can manage at this moment.

Take care beautiful people. And call someone if you feel the need 

[quirkywords]

Fiatlux so sorry you are struggled but glad you rea he’d out to the support service and your son.

We are here for you . You help so many people on the forums. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Fiatlux,

It’s great you reached out for support. It can really help to have someone trained in de-escalating desperate thoughts and feelings with you and helping you to feel more grounded again. I’ve called SCS three times recently following major triggers and they’ve been consistently really good at bringing my distress levels down and helping me to feel resourced again, like I’m on top of things and can cope and that I’m ok.

 I know you are dealing with challenging life circumstances plus hormonal challenges and it’s very tough having those two things together. But I think just knowing that dysregulated hormones can make you feel awful helps somewhat as it is a variable that can improve with the right help/treatment. It may help to touch base with your GP and let them know just how bad you’re feeling. You could also do a search for menopause clinics in your city/area that look like they are up with the latest in research and will be sensitive and knowledgeable around the issues you are dealing with. They can review your current treatment, maybe test hormone levels and just see where you’re at, and then tailor a treatment response that is right for you. That is what I’m going to be doing in two months and I’m just holding out till then.

 I totally understand about the crying. I had a hormonal crash starting from early October and until I started on hormone therapy in late December I woke up every morning and just started crying in desperation. My day would then be filled with many more breakdowns and high levels of distress. It feels awful but you will feel better again. I have found when at my worst having something to distract myself just helps a bit at least, such as watching something on TV or doing something that focuses me that I enjoy, such as photo editing. I’ve found even just chatting to a neighbour is like a temporary reprieve. I think our hormone system is directly tied in with our nervous system, and co-regulating with others through positive interactions actually helps to shift both the nervous system and regulate our hormones a bit better. It can take the edge off how bad we’re feeling. I think that’s why the Suicide Callback Service help too - they know how to co-regulate.

Just be very gentle with yourself today. Taking things one hour at a time makes total sense. I hope you feel better over the course of today and you can get some rest.

Sending you a big hug 🤗 

ER

[Fiatlux]

Thank for replying and taking the time for me.

I was a total mess yesterday. This is a continuing saga for me. My Narc Husband started pushing me to move out of my own home once again. He’s been relentless since December 2023. 

As I stood up to him and told him that he should leave this time, he became very unsettled and is coming up with a new strategy to get me to move out. I will add that I have no where to move out to.

Yesterday morning out of the blue, he starts with, “I know you want to leave me”, “ I know you want to leave” etc etc. I told him point blank that the thought hadn’t crossed my mind and that I had no intention of moving or leaving. I stood my ground and he didn’t like it. I suggested that he should leave and move out. I am too exhausted to even entertain the idea.

Now he is treating me so appallingly that he hopes that I will crack and leave. I told him, I know his little games and they have worked in the past but not this time. He can go and be cruel and hostile to someone else. His routine of abuse is not going to work this time. I am older and wiser now.

I spent the day going over my journal from the past few years and found this little beauty from 2020… author unknown.

Sometimes you have to sling some mud at the pig to get some satisfaction from this shit show.

Peace and love 🙏🏼

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Fiatlux,

 I am wondering if it would help to call 1800RESPECT? I can’t remember if you’ve mentioned elsewhere whether you’ve called them or not. But they would be very knowledgeable about things such as coercive control behaviours and may have some helpful advice for your situation.

It’s very understandable you are feeling distressed right now. I think if you can find ways to feel grounded within yourself it can kind of insulate you against controlling behaviours that come from your husband. I would definitely look into external sources of support and advise so you don’t feel you are alone in dealing with the situation.

Take good care and I hope you are doing ok at work today if you are there.

Sending kindness and support,

ER xx