Husband wanting me to sleep with other men

[Lindy2]

I have been married for over 25 years, husband currently unhappy with monotony of life and wanting to create some excitement (we are 50). He wants me to pursue other men, believing it will create more passion and excitement in our lives. It is all he talks about, I am tired of hearing his constant requests for this to happen. When we have a weekend away, it generally ends with a massive argument in the car on the way home because I am not open to his suggestion. I am not a confident person and find the idea challenging. I want to be more fun and spontaneous, but his mood is so up and down, I am struggling with our relationship. He is either fully on (affectionate and caring) when he believes we have made 'progress' towards his goal, or completely removed and distant if he feels I am not on board with his idea. I really don't know if I want to be in this relationship anymore. This scares and distresses me, as we have had, until a year or so ago, a fantastic life together. Sometimes I want to be done with everything and this is bringing thoughts of how to end my life, which I don't really think I want to do, but I just want an 'out' from the constant pressure of not being enough for him.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Lindy,

Welcome to the forums. It's great that you decided to reach out here today - we know it's not always easy to open up about the kinds of thoughts you've been having, and also issues within your relationship. We're so sorry that your husband is treating you this way and that contemplating the future has been bringing up thoughts of how to end your life. Please know that you are not alone in this, and there is support available to you.

We would recommend that you don't do anything that you're not comfortable with. It sounds like your partner is not being respectful towards you in the persistance of working towards this 'goal' that you are not comfortable with. You may want to get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.

Can we ask if you are receiving any mental health support? It can be helpful just to talk this out with a counsellor and weigh up your options. If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

Thank you so much for reaching out to our community. Hopefully a few of our members will be by over the next few days to welcome you here.

[ecomama]

Hey Lindy2

I've been in a similar situation and it was hell.
It only got worse to the point of physical abuse, with him trying to physically force me.

I blatantly refused.

I left and am free and MUCH happier now!
I'm with a BF who respects me and would never ever say or do these things.

What you are in is a domestic violence relationship.
This is sexual abuse, and emotional and psychological abuse also.
Husband is an abuser.

Please I implore you to call 1800RESPECT as what you're facing is blatant & extreme disrespect on many levels > DV.

You can phone the Counsellors anonymously and they will support you in every way they can.
You may be put through to a Trauma Psychologist.
OR you can leave your name and they can keep notes to help support you each time you phone.

You can phone this helpline and the DV Hotline and other helplines, 24/7/366.

You don't have to feel this way!

You NEVER have to be treated this way.

This is ALL on H and his abusive behaviours.

There's a beautiful life waiting for you once you leave this situation.
For me, ANYTHING was better than this.

You may want to or need to "get your ducks in a row" before leaving.
If so then you can call the Women's Legal Service for Family Law advice - which you will need.

Kindest regards
EM

[Ggrand]

Dear Lindy...

Im deeply sorry you are going this with your husband...I also was in a very similar position with my husband...No one should be treated like this..

I can’t talk much about it atm...but just wanted you to know that you’re not alone lovely lady...

I hope that you can have the strength in you to leave him....before he won’t take no for an answer....I know I do not have the right to say that to you..because that’s a choice only you can make....I just don’t want you to get hurt anymore..by the very person who should be protecting you..

My kindest and most caring thoughts..

Grandy..

[therising]

A warm welcome to you Lindy2

I truly feel for you so much as your husband struggles to manage his imagination. If this is what he imagines will help the relationship and you're not on board then he needs to stop his obsession with bringing it into reality, in my opinion. Sounds like he's reached the point of harassment, bullying and even tantrums of some nature.

As a 50yo gal who's gradually coming to discover more energy and excitement in life, intimacy with my husband has been a part of this. Seeing neither one of us is into an open relationship, our imagination is limited to what we can do together, to energise a relationship which had lost its spark to some degree. We share with each other what we visualise in our minds/imagination (that excites us) and as long as we agree we're on the same page then we bring it into reality. If we were not on the same page, we'd discuss the reasons why and make an effort to respect those reasons. So, you could say the relationship is, in most cases, one of reason, open and honest communication (without fear or dread), mutual respect, well exercised imagination and so on.

If the relationship is healthy besides this highly questionable obsession, I'd be asking your husband 'Why are you so hard pressed to imagine anything other than this being the solution to generating more excitement?' While there are hundreds of ways to discover more excitement inside and outside of the bedroom, why is he not imagining and researching them? As you say, 'I want to be more fun and spontaneous'. He's seriously lucky to have such an eager and open minded gal in his life. Even eager and open minded gals draw a line at certain things and good for you. Don't doubt yourself.

Personally, if this was my husband, I'd be posing 3 things to him, 'One, I can't help but wonder about the real reason for this obsession', 'Two, why are you too lazy to continue exploring what would work for the both of us' and 'Three, why are you becoming such an unbearable a-hole?' Pretty blunt, hey. I believe, partners should raise each other, not bring each other down. In mutual evolution there is mutual love. In one sided evolution, someone misses out. You deserve to be raised and loved. You deserve better than harassment and lack of thoughtfulness. You deserve inspiration.

🙂