How do you cope when you're on the edge of suicide?

[florencefortyseven]

To summarise my thoughts, I don't want to commit suicide, but I don't want to do anything else, either. Mentally speaking, I am already kind of dead. I have given up, or at least it feels that way.

I have been getting my head around a very difficult heartbreak. It happened two years ago, but I have not met anyone since. I hate it when I say this, because I can immediately feel the judgement, but we were never together. I have never been in a relationship before. I thought of her as a friend, and she knew how I felt, but she abandoned me.

So I have had my heart broken, but I have nothing positive to show for what I've been through. I have no friends either.

It is unbearably painful watching other people's love stories unfold around me. I didn't care about relationships until I got Depression. Now I NEED help. People say that you should be happy by yourself, but I am battling myself every single day. I can't rely on myself. Everyone around me is having sex with each other, and the best I can do is convince myself that I'll never need anyone? What does that say about me?

I don't want to live a life without love for much longer, but I don't even know if a relationship is going to be worth it. It's going to take a LONG time to meet someone, and even then, what's the point? These last two years, and being broken in childhood, have taught me everything I need to know about how "worthy" I am. Obviously I am not meant to be here.

Every argument to stay sounds very unconvincing to me. Every second I stay hurts me. Even being happy doesn't mean anything, because it doesn't make me any less alone. Who's going to care if I'm happy?

This is the closest I can come to suicide, but I cannot commit suicide. I feel completely stuck.

[Sophie_M]

Hey florencefortyseven,

We're so sorry to hear how much pain you're in right now, but we are so glad that you decided to reach out here. You've shown so much strength and courage to be so open and honest with your feelings, and please know that many others reading will be able to relate to feeling this way at a difficult time in their lives too- you're never alone in this. Please know that there is never judgement here- this is a safe space for you to express your true thoughts and feelings, and our community is here for you with words of kindness, support and advice. We are also currently reaching out to you through email to check in with you and offer some extra support through this.

It sounds like all of this must be incredibly difficult to cope with- especially if you feel unable to reach out to friends or family about how you've been feeling. But please know that there is always somewhere to turn to, and support is always available for you. We'd really encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat (1pm-12am AEST) at: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. Our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are also there for you 24/7- day or night- during overwhelming times like these. 

We hope that you find some comfort in the forums, and please do feel free to keep updating us on how you're feeling whenever you're ready to.
 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Sophie is right there, we don't judge you. It's totally ok here to be exactly who you are.

Like many people here we have gone down that dark road towards suicide and returned. My brother followed through as did my uncle. We didn't know bipolar ran in the family.

These suicidal thought could originate from various sources. In your case it sounds like value from life is simply missing. People usually get such value from live, care (giving, receiving or both), hobbies, clubs, sports and interests. Most people enjoy life with such fulfilment.

I'll use myself as an example. My interests are tinkering, my vintage car, my wife's love and affection/friendship and this forum as a peer advisor (volunteer work).

From what I've read your major vacuum is companionship/love etc, missing. People around you that suggest life should be ok as a single person is not helpful. You are entitled to be loved and to give it.

I have much more to say but I'd like to wait for your reply first, baby steps eh!. The only thing I'd like you to do before you reply is read the first post of one of my forum topics and comment about it

Please Google

Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get.

I'm here daily to answer your replies.

TonyWK

[geoff]

Hello Florencefortyseven, and thank you for your comment with Sophie_M and Tony replying.

The vast majority of us want to be loved and also want to show the love we have in our own particular way, but matches what another person wants in life and as Tony has said it takes baby steps, because our expectations that the one first person who smiles, laughs and who shares different and sometimes funny stories is the one we love.

This may well be the case, however, instead of you trying, it could be the reverse with the opposite person in the same situation but too afraid to begin a relationship due to the restrictions placed on us.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hi florencefortyseven,

I want to reinforce what Sophie M and Tony have said, that no one here is judging you and we're glad that you're reaching out for support.

It sounds like you've been having a really hard time going through your heartbreak, which is completely understandable. Sometimes, it can take a lot to pick yourself up after that, but if you keep fighting it is never impossible. Like Geoff has said, being shown love and care is something which most of us desire in filling a hole or feeling fulfilled in life. What you have to take from that though is that even though you feel like giving up because it feels like there is no one out there for you, having able to hold on and knowing that when the right person comes around (getting cringy here watch out) you can hold their hand forever, and know that you were patient enough to really want that relationship, which shows a lot of resilience, and actually reflecting on yourself and being able to appreciate yourself until you find someone who you can hand in hand take your relationship far with is something you will find much more fulfilling and pure than anything else.

I understand completely that you express that reading this kind of stuff may only seem to be a temporary silver lining but it feels like people can't completely comprehend it, i get it. But if there's one thing you need to take away, its that the messages we all send in response to you are not just words or some little motivation speech to make you feel better, I know I can account for everyone here that we are literally screaming inside about how wrong it is that you have to endure this and that we value you even though you don't know us or even might not value yourself, every step we can help you take to getting away from suicide and towards even feeling the slightest bit better is something we really, really badly want for you and we really, really know you deserve.

[Happy_lady_now]

Hi jumpy jellyfish,

you are so right Florencefortyseven you are so courageous to share your thoughts so now you have taken such a big step to share your feelings it is perhaps time for you to reflect on all the great positives about you because you sound like you’ve had a bad experience and I am with you there it’s not a great feeling where you have been but I can also see you have lots of strength to reach out and that says how strong you are.I believe in mindfulness and when something feels negative at that moment I take a look around to find a positive to replace that thought. It feels so good I can rid of every negative with so many positive thoughts even if it is the birds whistling in the trees.

look forward to hearing from you Happy lady