hopeless. the battle is neverending.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hi all, I haven't been here in a while.

I'm getting no where. And honestly, I'm at the end of my tether. I've done all the thing people say to do - I've reached out, I try to do self care, seek therapy, use healthy coping strategies... but nothing seems to work. I've been pushed between countless mental health professionals and GP's because they say they can't help me. I'm SO exhausted. It feels like I can't escape this feeling of hopelessness. It's crushing me, its like this heavy weight on my shoulders that prevents me from being happy. Between juggling an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, OCD, self harm and suicidal thoughts for so long, it just doesn't work. I want to make the pain stop. I need it to stop. I need it to all go away.

Not long ago, I was close to attempting to take my own life, and the thing that stopped me was literally that I numbed out and being unable to physically move my body. I just sat there for an hour. In hindsight, I'm glad that happened so that I didn't do anything I would regret, but there's a part of me that still wishes I was gone, that the countless near misses had been plans followed thru. It's so confusing though. I don't know if i want to die.

I am safe from these thoughts tonight, I just need a space to express them. Sending much love to everyone out there struggling, you are not alone<3

[Sophie_M]

Hi jumpyjellyfish-

We’re really glad you could come to the forum to share this with our online community tonight. We know it isn’t easy to continue reaching out when you're so exhausted and feeling as though you are trying everything and constantly feeling as though nothing seems to work. 

We want you to know that we’ve reached out to you privately tonight to make sure you’re ok, so please check your private email inbox. If you want to reach out to our counsellors to talk this through, we’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach us online here. There’s also our friends over at the Suicide Call Back service on 1300 659 467, or Lifeline on 13 11 14.

We also really recommend having a look at the Beyond Blue safety planning app if you haven't already. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline and complete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.

VERY IMPORTANT: Always remember to call 000 (triple zero), or take yourself to your nearest hospital emergency department if you are ever in immediate danger to yourself.

Please continue to keep sharing your words on our forums, we're here for you and we're glad you're here sharing.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[jumpyjellyfish-]

thankyou Sophie M 🙂

I saw your email, thankyou. I was exhausted last night and so I decided to just get to sleep. I might see if I can do a safety plan with a helpline at some point - its hard to think of things on my own.  i appreciate the support<3

[jumpyjellyfish-]

i was at a christmas gathering but i had to leave early, it was too overwhelming. eating disorders and christmas dont mix well.

i feel so guilty for feeling low right now. its christmas, right? the time where everyone comes together and is happy and ya de yada. im not happy, i want to die. and i feel so selfish for that. im safe from acting on these thoughts mainly because i dont want to do that to my family. 

stupid selfish suicidal me.

[therising]

Hi jumpyjellyfish

I deeply feel for you as you face the depressing nature of this time of year. Unless people can relate to how depressing it can be, it can be such a lonely experience.

I always felt guilt as a negative tortuous emotion until I came to see it as a kind of call to higher consciousness. 'Who do you wish to be in this moment or from this moment onward?' is the call. For example, if I've done something to upset someone, guilt may ask 'Will you be the kind of person who takes responsibility for the upset you've caused or not?'. If I take responsibility, the call from guilt diminishes. If I don't, it may nag at me until I take it. If I'm at a gathering where I feel overwhelming anxiety or depression that leads me to leave, when I get home guilt may ask 'Did you do the right thing?' If I answer 'Yes, I'm someone who managed well in leaving, in order to serve myself in the best way possible' guilt diminishes as a sense of self confidence is gained. The thing about making the right call is...you have to have faith in yourself it is the right call, no matter what anyone else says.

Not a fault to feel what's anxiety inducing or depressing. The ability to feel such things is telling. Anxiety tells me I'm facing what's highly stressful. Depression tells me I'm facing depressing elements. While many may lead us to believe it's our 'fault' for remaining depressed, I ask is it my fault no one has the ability to raise/lead me out of depression, even those who are paid to do so? Is it really a fault, me working so hard to manage all the depressing self limiting beliefs society, my family, friends and even strangers have led me to believe in at one time or another? Aren't I trying to manage their faults?

To face years of not finding what works and still to endure is the hallmark of an amazing person. Exhausting work, trying to find a difference. Can work for years at it and have no one recognise all that work, no one congratulate you on all your efforts or say how much they deeply admire you. JJ, your efforts are admirable. Take great pride in them.

Btw, to be able to feel what doesn't work can seem like a depressing ability to have yet it can become a 'fast tracker'. It's about gaining a clear sense of what's a complete waste of our time and what holds potential.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

thankyou so much therising, i really appreciate you taking the time to respond (:

for me, guilt is a funny one. a lot of the guilt i have comes from completely normal things like just eating food (gotta love eating disorders... ugh not). 

for once, the past couple days have actually been okay. i stayed in qld with my mum while the rest of my family went to victoria, and its been pretty good. partly because now i dont have to listen to my parents constantly arguing, and also because i promised myself not to act on any thoughts of suicide while i was home with just my mum. im realising that the fear of acting on my thoughts is whats driving me insane recently. 

the only thing is, this is giving my eating disorder more space to show up in my thoughts. that and other things, like having no boundaries. i keep putting myself in these positions where i talk to people who made me feel uncomfortable, but then I'm isolating myself from good people. i dont know what im doing. 

i guess that is true. feelings dont happen for no reason. sometimes I wish they would just stop. but i suppose its better to feel things intensely than not at all. 

thanks so much again ❤️

[therising]

Hi jumpyjellyfish-

Food, the way we perceive it, the inner dialogue that comes with it, the ways we manage it or mismanage it etc etc...the relationship we share with it can definitely be an emotional one. Personally, the only food I have a problem with (especially when it comes to guilt) is the food that I know is bad for me. While once an emotional drinker, to the point of self destruction, I became an emotional eater who's gradually destroying myself through what I eat (something I plan to change this coming year, as my body's now beginning to suffer in a number of ways). I am fortunate that the food related guilt doesn't come with all forms of food. That would definitely feel like torture. I can't imagine how tormenting it is.

I'm glad you've gained some relief from spending time alone with your mum. It's a shame it has to come with side effects that challenge you so deeply. Self understanding is a fascinating thing which can involve so much hard work. One of the reasons I like the mind/body/spirit approach is based on it covering the hard work from 3 different angles. With 3 angles, there's more choice when it comes to self understanding. I can understand myself in 3 different ways. This is what has helped eliminate the 'What's wrong with me?!' factor. Instead, it becomes about 'Why am I ticking the way I am?'. It's less about finding fault and more about finding good reason. Take 'love' for example and all the self chastising questions that can come with it, such as 'What's wrong with me? Why can't I/don't I feel love?'. Mentally, we can have a number of programs/beliefs up there in our 'computer' computing what love is (the idea or concept of it). Physically, the chemistry of love (oxytocin included) can help explain the lack of loving connection between mother and baby when oxytocin levels are low in PND. Naturally, love provides a channel with which to feel life through. I can channel love out but if I'm not feeling it come back, the relationship won't bring me to life. Might sound a bit woo woo but the channel is the connection. When it comes to feeling/s, it's about feeling what kind of connection you're witnessing or working with. Truth is...it's not our fault if others aren't sending enough back for us to feel. There can be numerous reasons as to why we're just not feeling the love.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hey therising,

As always thankyou. Across the scattered moments I have used these forums you have always offered such a deep insight and compassion and I truely appreciate it:) I'm finally feeling up to trying to writing a proper response now so I will do that.

Yeah, food can become a very emotional thing... it's a bit ironic how we can develop a negative relationship with the things we need to survive. I have bulimia, so I deal with the bingeing aspect as well as purging, mixed in with a bit of restriction. 

Not too woo woo, I like the idea of splitting things up into the mental, physical and natural... it covers all bases, in a sense.

I've been realising recently that emotionally, I'm all out of whack. By that I mean, I feel like I'm constantly dysregulated... I will go from so full of energy and having lots of ideas but not having the focus to know what to do, or really anxious... to completely low and tired, hopeless, to extremely irritated. It's so confusing. I just want to make what's going on. Not having a reason why, is getting to me. I feel so out of control of my thoughts. My feelings especially. I know they aren't something we can control per day, but they feel like such overwhelmimg extremes. 

I've been a bit all over the place with thoughts of suicide recently. I still reach out to a regular counsellor at kids helpline, although it's a different one to who I used to talk to. She's nice though. So I'm not totally alone. But I have no one in person. I feel so hopeless and lost. Out of options. I'm safe from all this tonight. Suicide just feels like a great solution to a messy problem of a life I have right now.

[therising]

Hi jumpyjellyfish

Can relate to what you say about the impact of not knowing. Not knowing why I'd suddenly feel so down or deeply depressed used to make the depression/s worse. One of the reasons came down to the internal dialogue that can come with that. 'What's wrong with me? Why am I so sad? I'm hopeless. I'm so stupid. I'll never be happy. I'm so broken' and on and on it would go. Then I'd start to think 'It would be so much easier for everyone if...'. One day the reason for it all just hit. When I go into a downshift it's because I'm facing a depressing or potentially depressing challenge. So, the mantra started to become 'What is the challenge I face?', whenever I'd begin to feel depressed. Over time, I came to realise there is always a reason for the downshift. The far from obvious ones usually lead me to go to the doctors for blood tests, which has paid off in the past. Had no idea how depressing a serious B12 deficiency was until I felt it. Give it some thought, visiting your GP, to check out where your B12, iron, thyroid etc levels are at. I imagine bulimia can pose problems when it comes to chemical deficiency.

Low energy levels are a major trigger for me. Whether it's a chemical depression like with the B12, the sleep apnea I manage, me not putting enough energy in (in so many ways) or situations or people draining me or people around me not raising me to feel life in the ways I desperately need to at times etc, I can feel it all on some level. The challenge is always the same at the start 'Work out what it is that you're actually feeling'. Am I feeling my body screaming for energy input? Am I feeling the depressing words that come from people? Am I feeling the heartbreaking self serving nature of that person? Am I feeling what 'completely lost' feels like or what no obvious way forward looks like? Am I feeling having no clear vision? Am I feeling myself referring to the wrong outdated depressing belief system that was put in my head at some point in life?

Whether it's finally feeling the right direction after having been lost for so long, feeling the inspiration and revelations we long to feel (through a whole new belief system), feeling our energy levels begin to ramp up etc, we hold the potential to feel everything, not just the down times.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

hey therising,

Yep that internal dialogue sounds all too familiar. It just feels constant you know. I guess I have my reasons. It is hard to figure out sometimes though. Its almost like all my mental health struggles feed off each other and I can't for the life of me figure out which started it all. 

I got an iron infusion recently yeah because my levels were out of whack. Second one I've had in a year. First one definitely helped me energy cause I was borderline anemic. Although everything else was alright according to my doctor. Although, she did say my thyroid was on the low side of normal, but nothing to be concerned about. Concerned my eating disorder brain lol. Nothing majorly wrong though I don't think.

Feelings... what amazing, horrible, messy, beautiful, chaotic things they are. For me triggers are a lot about how I interact with people. A good day with friends will make me feel so good whereas someone's tone of voice feeling "off" sends me spiralling. Although I think I just find everything builds up and up until it explodes. 

Its been like that recently... An overwhelming mess. Honestly I've been really suicidal. I am safe tonight but yeah. It's been like this before (way too many times) but I find that I get myself to this point where I become afraid of myself. Afraid that I have the capability to do myself serious harm. At the same time, that ability gives me such a sense of control amongst such uncharted waters. 

Another thing I wanted to vent. I've been feeling myself wanting to be very impulsive. It doesn't extend to any of the bad decisions I want to make but it does to self harm. Today I caved to those urges. Self harm has been a pretty frequent thing for me the past couple years but I had been doing alright. Anyways. Its nothing major physically but it's like I don't know how else to get that adrenaline rush. It does a lot more than that for me but that's what's been coming up for me recently. Anyway I'm safe from that tonight. Thanks<3