Frightened

[Scared]

Hi Im 61   Im beyond tired of doctors and dealing with people who dont have depression. I live in a windowless room slowly going under. I want to go out onto the street and call out help me please

Im so afraid if I look to deep at my reality I wont be able to handle it.

I had depression and anxiety for years , been hospitalised and all the usual ups and downs.  But this time is different like I dodged too many bullets and this time I wont get out of this living hell. So only suicide is left. I mean I really cant see things changing. I was desperate to stop this downhill spiral that I thought if I get a job that will save me. But now Im too sick to go to work and the new employer doesnt understand where I am and why. I now getting anxiety about that

I feel like screaming help or at least please understand me. I feel I can only relate to others with depression

[Scared]

Thank you Indigo you are most kind

[Scared]

Indigo my girl is all I know in this world

She made it possible to live with depression , gave me strength and purpose to fight on.

She kept me company by phone when I slept rough

She gave me energy to work shit jobs so we can both eat

I taught her about life and values to strive for

I often said to her if a nice man comes along then its ok to go with him

Indigo I didnt know it was going to hurt so much when she goes

My world is small and bleak and she bought some light to it and now I am alone 
Last year they put me in hospital because my depression was so bad I felt no other choice but exiting.

I never stopped to think till just now what my girl would have done with news I had passed.

How crazy I never thought about her only thinking ending my pain

My girl in Thailand is very unique almost like she doesnt inderstand these things

In short she has become like a daughter I never had
I just care about her

[Scared]

And no I dont have anyone to talk to

I believe you care Indigo but alot people dont really care.

I was living and retired in Thai but had to leave my girlfriend behind and come back Aus.  I had nowhere to live so I went to an old friends house .

All day this friend talked gloom and doom about the planet , put women down was racist and all the while Im having to bottle my grief inside because this person is not caring.

I asked him to stop this constant negativity but to no avail.

So I just ran out of there to save myself and ended up in a windowless room and without my girlfriend Ratchatah.

Since then my battle with depression is on again and Im too scared to look at being 61 no home no girlfriend no job and without any purpose

I have spent months desperate to talk but have not had anybody to talk to

I have 3 good friends in life

Anne who doesnt do empathy that well

Emma who is always only partly listening 

And Brendan who gives me all time in the world and Im so lucky he is my friend

But we not discuss my girlfriend reallh

[indigo22]

Dear Scared,

I'm sorry to hear you have been through homeless periods and having to live the way you are, it would make it all that much harder to see anything positive. You seem like a very kind and caring person, you have given so much of yourself to your girl, is there not even the tiniest bit that you can give to yourself?

I have had ideation a number of times during my life but when I reached that stage of actually wanting to carry it out, what stopped me was my nephew. He is the son of my eldest brother, grown up with a family of his own. I was also just thinking of how I could stop the pain until he realised what I was thinking and looked me in the eyes and said "you have to promise me right now that you will not do that, we have already lost too many people, we can't lose any more". His words had the effect of waking me up to the fact that I would just be causing them more pain, something I would not contemplate doing if I were thinking clearly. It was a compelling reason to make that promise and keep it.

I found out who my real friends were during that time, and I let some go as they were not there for me as I would have been for them. It is painful to let go of the important people in your life, but it doesn't sound like your girl has left your life, perhaps just needing some space for a while.

Please try to find just a little of the same care you feel for your girl and give it to yourself.

You are worth it. We all are.

indigo

[Scared]

Thank you Indigo

I dont know how to be kind to myself right now.

I gave her so much I can barely believe it

I sleeping in homeless shelters and on street and sharing any money so she could have a place to live.  She has audio hallucinations and has a very simple child like at times mind.

She has no idea the hardships I faced in those years

But I dont deserve hero status because she gave me purpose in life and that was the gift for me I later worked out.

If my mental health was better I might not be crying so much at her slipping away from my life but when she presses decline function on phone or says I annoy her calling too much I get sad.

Like I said she will never know the hardship I went through. She has also given me so much stress with her own mental health till I got her to doctor whom diagnosed her as scitzophrenia.

Sorry I dont know how to spell it but I always was there when she needed me

I do deserve her support but I will never get it.   She now gives me more hurt than happiness or comfort and thats where Im at

I had a heart attack while living at central station in 2019 and in a week back to taking care her then diagnosed with brain tumor last year while in pysh ward 

What im saying is I cant handle anymore stress and my girl is not helping me.

[Croix]

Dear Scared~

The more you write the more I can see the man inside. You are wise, kind, loving  and selfless. Telling your GF it's OK to go with a good man really proves that you are able to put your care for another first. I would be pretty certain that she will have greatly benefited from your company and guidance whilst you were together.

You thought of her in someways as a daughter, and children to go on to their own lives, it is a sign of increacing maturity.

No, many good people have no idea about depression or suicide, it's never been something they have experienced, so cannot relate and talk. It's not really their fault, it just means you can't talk wiht them and expect much back.

Grief and loss colour the world, and do make peole do things they might not otherwise. I do not think I'd block the phone, it would be in my case done so as not to have to face further loss, to cut it short. However not only might it hurt your GF you never know what  might happen. You might be introduced to a friend of hers or a member of her family and enjoy talking.

I'm a lot older than you and Indigo and the friends I had with whom I had the ability to talk on an equal level about depression and suicide have passed away (from natural causes).  I had resigned myself to the efforts of well meaning but ignorant people as the only ones to converse with, and felt alone.

I did meet another friend, about your age as it happens, who also had endured the same sort of hard times, it is a relief to find someone I can almost talk shorthand with. We do not have a crystal ball

Living in Thailand will not doubt have given you a lot to describe and talk about, why not employ that. In my library are 'human book' sessions where someone will talk about thier life experiences, imparting that experience to the young.

It might seem overly difficult to find something like that , but if the alternative is being in your room maybe that will help you try.

I know I'm laying out before you things you may regard as unrealistic or over-positive. I'm simply hoping both the talking and something I say may raise a spark

Croix

[Croix]

P.S. We cross-posted (both posted at the same time) so my last post makes no mention of yours, whch of course I had not seen

-C

[Scared]

Thank you Croix and you too Indigo

Having people understand pain helps a little

You two answered my distress and make me feel Im not entirely alone

I just met a lady from Wesley mission who has now contacted Acute Team

All I said to her was that my dream of going to work is the only thing that stops me exiting  She doesnt want me to go to work as she thinks Im too unwell.

Now she doing ( duty of care ) thing.

I know depression is a selfish thing and Im always aware that

I want to try something different today and very very important and that is

Indigo and Croix how are you feeling today?

[Scared]

And of course thank you too Sophie

[indigo22]

Dear Scared,

I am doing well today, thank you for asking, that's so kind of you.

I am doing even better now after reading your post, it sounds like your call for help has been heard. I hope this will be a positive step in receiving the support and care you need and deserve.

Please let us know how things are progressing and always know that we are here whenever you want to talk about things. You no longer need to feel alone. Croix and I will be following this thread so if you post here again at any time, we will get a notification and will be happy to talk with you.

I hope you are feeling just that tiny bit lighter today.

Thinking of you,

indigo