Feeling worthless and losing control

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

[Guest_4643]

Hi jumpy jellyfish, how's everything going for you?

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Thanks... I guess it was good to be able to go and actually get help like it sucked being there but I'm just hoping for the best now that I'm all good to see the psyche... I'm really hoping that it'll help me to feel better and actually be able to have an outlet in person for all the things going on in my head...

You're probably right about what you said she probably is most concerned about intrusive thoughts - combined with the fact that it's the only thing I really talked to her in more depth about, I said I had been having them on and off since I was like 7 and I'm 14 now so... considering I had anxiety when I was really young that probably confirmed something was up... I guess it's just because there's other stuff that I didn't tell her about that's why it's invalidating for me but I mean she doesn't know that if I don't say so...

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hey mb20lover, not the best but also not the worst I suppose, felt pretty sick today at school but it managed to feel a fair bit better as the bell rung at 3 so weird coincidence... I'm realising that I'm falling behind in schoolwork already so that's fun I feel like imma do terribly but yeah... just not really sure where my head's at I feel guilty for not being motivated but I can't help it and it's just annoying to still feel alone and misunderstood... just feels like nothing is really bad but also there's nothing to feel good about and it's like I can't get away from that icky kind of low mood... I dunno where I'm at honestly...

[Guest_4643]

Hey jumpy jellyfish.

I'm sorry to hear all of that, I hope you feel better now, even a little bit. It's ok to be unmotivated, school is stressful. I left in year 10 due to bullying and becoming physically ill everyday, so 2015 for me. I couldn't handle the stress, other things going on (I lost my Grandparents in 2013 and 2015), etc. I'm a failure. I haven't done anything since because I have PTSD and don't want to go back into that environment, even online, I can't afford it anyway.

Anyway that's irrelevant about me. You're not alone though.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Thanks mb20lover

I'm sorry you've had to go through so much struggle hope that you've been doing alright. It can be really hard some days. Can appreciate it but at least that means neither of us are alone 💖

[Guest_4643]

Thank you, I'm sorry you go through it too. Yes it is hard. I hope you're ok also, I'm ok.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

I'm alright I guess. Feeling kinda blank - empty I guess.

I need to stop expecting to get something out of talking to the butterfly foundation on webchat to be completely honest I've tried multiple times and I keep getting told to 'tell myself good things' and 'get help' like I'm trying geez it's not that easy and it's t r i g g e r i n g

Psychologist on Monday - trying to not think about it cus its making me really anxious...

Self harming a bit over the past couple of days but it hasn't been bad which makes me feel guilty and weak even though I can recognise it's good I'm not badly hurting myself. Want to put out there, I'm safe. Also I plan on talking to my KHL counselor again tomorrow for support, usually it would be once a week but she offered I call again before Monday because I was pretty anxious so should be able to get support then... for now I'm ok though.

[Sophie_M]

Hi jumpy jellyfish :-],

I understand that it can be difficult to reach out for support and not recieve the support you need.  I can only imagine how triggering it would be.  I recognise the anxiety you have in seeing your psychologist on Monday, it's not always easy to disucss heavy topics, particularly on such an emotional level.  

I'm sorry to hear that you have been self harming the past couple of days and the guilt that has come with that.  It must place so much pressure on you.  It's great that you are chatting with your counsellor at KHL.  An email has been sent to you to discuss further supports.  

You are not alone and we are here to you.  

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Thank you Sophie_M I appreciate it

[Guest_4643]

I'm sorry jumpy jellyfish, I wish I could do more, but I'm here for you as much as I can be, I care.

Yeah I know what you mean about the helplines saying stuff like that, I get that often, sometimes I wonder if it's scripted. It can be helpful to some, unhelpful to others, any helpline, whether it's on the phone or webchat. I always use webchat if I use them. I haven't used a helpline in ages, I just don't feel like doing it and the waiting puts me off personally.

I'm sorry it's triggering for you, I understand. Everyone is different. Good luck with your Psychologist, I hope it goes well for you and you feel safe and comfortable with them.

I'm really sorry you've been self harming, I wish I could give you a hug, I'm sorry. Poor you. I'm glad you're safe. I hope the KHL Counsellor is helpful, and the Psychologist.

Thinking of you, lots of love and hugs xx