Feeling worthless and losing control

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Jumpy,

Sorry to hear you have fallen into past behaviours, but glad you have posted your setbacks to help find a way forward.

Are you feeling hypercritical of your 3 days SH when you should instead be praising your 2 weeks of restraint? I do know how easy it is to drop the ball when relapsing - draw a line under it and set your new goal for 3 weeks! Do you keep some sort of journal of your mood so you can preempt the low points? Having some routine to bounce you back can be helpful (a favourite activity, place to go, etc.) - anything to take your mind in another direction.

Without 'giving up', it's okay to have a little acceptance of fallibility - we are often our own worst critics when expecting perfection.

Hope you are feeling okay tonight.

Regards,

t.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hey tranzcrybe,

Thanks for taking the time to respond it's really reassuring.

It's just really hard to be happy with a prior success in restraining urges when that effort feels like it's gone to nothing and you feel like if you try it again the same thing will happen again.

I don't really have a journal or anything like that I use... maybe something to try.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Jumpy,

No worries, that's the idea of the forums - not so confronting as a face to face or phone call.

Accepting that you can/will fail is the very essence of trying - you're a sportsperson so you should get that. Think of a game where this attribute did not exist... dull and pointless. Equally, imagine a game which was always a walkover... yawn.

Fact is, there is always something there to push you over - that's why we stand firm, push back, and often pick ourselves up off the floor and do it all over again (and no, I'm not just talking about physical contact). Sport is appealing because it is a microcosm of life - those that do, those that watch and play vicariously, and others that just gaze in bemusement at the whole spectacle.

Your efforts are never in vain, Jumpy, and each brings you closer to understanding - overcoming is merely the byproduct of effort.

Keeping a running account of highs and lows might show up patterns of behaviour prior to your lowest point - it's also a good way to dump unwanted thoughts whilst feeling you can always revisit unresolved issues later (in a clearer frame of mind).

Regards,

t.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Thought I'd check back in here because I've been feeling pretty distressed...

I started journaling as you suggested... on the days I've done it it's been relieving to put all my confusion and frustration on paper and then completely not understand why I was feeling the way I was when i read it the next day, lol... it's funny how you look back and wonder what on earth was going through your head at the time.

I'd love to say that my self harm has gotten better but that's not really the case... I was alright for a few days (about 2 weeks ago) because I left to go on holidays with my family and didn't have anything I could harm myself with... that was great until I found something at the grandpa's place where we were staying that proved even more effective then what I left at home, and since then I've been self harming most days...

I'm also feeling pretty overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts... I have the urge to commit suicide but I know that chances are I won't because I feel as though I would be impulsive for doing so... also I feel forced to act as thought everything is all 'ok' and that there's 'nothing wrong' because according to the rest of the world (that knows me anyway) I'm 'absolutely fine.' I can't get the thoughts out my head though... 

I understand that I'll face some challenges but when everything gets worse not better when it's just gotten bad you feel like you're falling through a bottomless pit of darkness... it gets harder and harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel...

[Sophie_M]

Hey jumpy jellyfish,

You've shown so much strength in reaching out here and keeping the community updated on how you've been going, which must be so difficult when you're feeling so low. We're so sorry to hear how what you're going through, and that you've been struggling with self-harming. This must be so difficult to cope with, and we can hear how overwhelmed you must be feeling with these dark thoughts- but please know that you don't have to do this alone. We're all here to help support you, and we're also currently trying to reach out to you through email to check in and offer some extra support as we are worried about you.

We think it would really help to be able to talk through these thoughts and feelings tonight, and we'd encourage you to reach out to our friends at Kids Helpline either by phone (1800 55 1800) or through their online chat: https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling if you'd feel more comfortable talking online. Our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are also there for you 24/7 whenever things are feeling too much to cope with.

We can that things must be feeling really hopeless for you right now, but please don't give up in finding the right support. Many in our community will also understand how difficult this journey can be, but also how things really can get better. We're all here for you, jumpy jellyfish.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Thanks Sophie_M for the support... I appreciate the email even though it took me 10 minutes to click 'send' with my phone number attached... it's at least comforting that there's someone who cares even if they're strangers when no one seems to care in real life...

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

My heart goes out to you as I feel so deeply for you, as you face these overwhelming challenges.

I'll ask you a bit of a strange question and you don't have to respond, I just want to put it out there for you to consider. The question is 'Do you know who you are?' Personally, it took me some decades to work out who I naturally am, as opposed to who I thought I was. Give you one example: I spent many years at school believing I was 'bad' at sport, especially competitive sport. Looking back, I can honestly say I was disinterested in most sports and I'm naturally not a competitive person. Being competitive is just not my thing and never has been. Doesn't mean to say that achieving a personal best isn't a factor. A PB is what drives us to develop our self in a variety of ways.

In you speaking about giving up, I'll approach 'giving up' from a different angle. If you had the chance to give up 3 aspects of your self, what would they be? To help things along, I'll tell you 3 things I've given up in my own life that have proven life changing. 1) I've given up associating so much with insensitive people, as they tend to bring me down. 2) I've given up keeping certain thoughts to myself. I used to be more of a 'people pleaser', not wanting to upset folk. I suppose it's the way I was conditioned. Nowadays, I give myself permission to wonder out loud. Eg: If someone insults me I may say 'I can't help but wonder why you would say that. Give me a reason'. Allowing our self to wonder out loud is a great self esteem booster. Doesn't hurt to seek the reasons behind another person's behaviour. A lot of the time it makes them accountable. 3) I've let go of trying not to be so sensitive. While being sensitive can feel like a curse at times, there are actually many perks to being this way, too many to get into right now. A sensitive person will typically thrive on sensation. Would you say that self harming is a way of feeling some sensation in life, especially physical sensation? There are many other ways to feel physical sensation. There are a lot of online meditations that can help with this. A bit of experimentation can't hurt. Observing sensations in the body is an incredible exercise, leading to sensations you never realised have always been there.

Is it possible you've begun your search for who you naturally are in this world? When such an intense quest begins, deep questioning becomes a challenging and sometimes painful part of the process.

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hey therising,

I'm glad you brought that up because hearing it forces me to admit to myself that it's a perspective that I don't think I've delved into in myself because my simple answer would be 'no'... I feel really disconnected with my identity and like I live parallel to the social norms that people have accustomed me to and that I feel pressured to endure... it makes things feel really isolating and alone...

Admittedly I'm struggling to think of things I would give up as you mentioned of a different ideology than just giving up on the good things for a loss of hope and rather on the things that hinder your life... like you mentioned however I can relate to wanting to disassociate myself with insensitive people because likewise I find it very tormenting trying to deal with being in a vulnerable position when other people are not empathetic or don't understand, especially as someone who already bottles up their feelings. I suppose that also leads me to wanting to refrain from avoiding uncomfortable situations; I find myself in the predicament of really wanting to seek mental health support but being too scared of thr run on effects of that to ask.

With what you said regarding self harm... I feel like at some times it has been a way of releasing my emotional pain and everything pented up inside of me which inevitably is yes, relieved by the sensation but I think that after trying to find that potentially on a more frequent scale it's become more of a reflex to respond or want to respond... I'm not really sure where that's taking me especially with my stronger urges to harm myself more severely recently and it's just been making me feel uncomfortable with the idea that it could get worse or the fear of 'losing control' over my emotional urges.

[Sophie_M]

Hi jumpy jellyfish :-],

We applaud your honesty and openness in continuing to share and make sense of your journey with us here.

We just wanted to remind you that if ever you feel like your at immediate risk of harming yourself, it is an emergency and you should call 000 straightaway.

We're all here for you, jumpy jellyfish, and we encourage you to keep reaching out here whenever you feel up to it.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Thanks Sophie_M... I appreciate the support from this platform

I'm just really confused with everything at the moment - I felt like curling up in a ball and crying earlier on this morning but for reasons I'm struggling to understand I've been in this state of wanting to let all my emotions rush out and also putting up a wall of fake smiles and denial at the same time which has lead to some distressing conversations with myself because I've been feeling like I'm living in my head and have consequently been dissociating from myself a bit... that being said I began talking to my regular kids helpline counsellor over the phone and instantly starting bawling my eyes out... somehow that was the best I've felt today because my emotions felt real even though they were overwhelming and scary...

That being said, I also self harmed on 5 separate occasions today and even though it was and always has been something that doesn't cause me any real damage, nor is it risky self harm I think that my feelings of being overwhelmed and distressed definitely prove that self harm for me is a sensational feeling of relief as therising mentioned earlier and has also been a distraction for me from emotional pain...

I don't feel like I will put myself in imminent danger but I want to - it's like I'm not afraid of dying as much as I was when I began having suicidal thoughts and I feel the urge to act on my suicidal thoughts in order to feel relief, yet I still don't believe I would kill myself... nonetheless if that changes I will keep your reminder in mind.

Thanks for the ongoing support, I'm not sure if my emotional confusion babble makes any sense but that's the best I can put it into words at the moment...