Feeling lost

[Leraun90]

I feel like I have heaps of people around me for support yet no one at the same time. I have lost all clinical support as most services only run for a few months at best. I don't feel like I can tell anyone how I really feel. Or what I need when I don't even know what I need.

All I know is im over living in constant pain. Never seeing an end to this tunnel. I know I need help but I care too much about others to burden them with the thoughts I have in my head.

I just want to hurt myself and end all my pain and suffering permanently.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Leraun90

I hear you and can relate to the feeling of having so much pain and not wanting to burden anyone else with it. It’s safe here to say those feelings and it’s ok. I know it’s so, so hard at times.

You show that you are caring in that you don’t want to burden others. That sensitivity shows you have depth as a human being, that you can feel strongly. Somehow I think that capacity for deep feeling can also be a source of healing. It’s like your spirit is strong underneath the pain, but sometimes the injured parts of us squash out the spirited parts that can lift us up out of the pain.

On my own journey I’m finding the pain has to come out of us to heal. Sometimes we don’t want to put others through knowing about our pain, but it needs some kind of expression. I can hear you saying you don’t know what you need. I really get this. We can get to a point we are so lost this is really hard to identify. But saying how we feel, whether here, on a helpline, to someone we trust, I think that begins the process of starting to sense what we need once we allow the pain to start releasing by expressing it. Sometimes that involves a lot of crying (I’m living through that myself right now), sometimes it hurts while the pain is coming out, but underneath is the raw material, the spirit of our inner being that connects to life.

For some people it can help to write stuff out, sing out their pain, chant, dance, exercise, be in nature etc. It’s like the pain is trapped in the body and can be released and the energy that comes out in that process transformed into a healing energy.

 I’m going through this struggle myself right now so I’m speaking as a person in process, not someone who has totally healed. But I want you to know you are not alone and post anytime that you need to. 

Sometimes we are carrying the imprints of grief and trauma. I think this stuff does organically release from us in time and under the right conditions. Sometimes too when we let go of struggling against the pain and the feeling of having to fight to keep going, the painful emotions have a chance to just release. This can happen if we find a place of safety. I have a place by the ocean that helps me this way. Is there a place you feel safe, either in your present life or from the past? It can be a place you go to in your imagination too.

[Leraun90]

I don't have any place I feel safe or happy. I wish I knew what I needed so I could atleast try to start healing. I have tried so many different support services and nothing feels like it has helped. If anything I have felt more alone than before. I feel like I don't have any choice anymore but to call everything quits. I wish I could know why I feel this way. But I don't know what I feel most of the time all I know is I feel like I am out of options.

Thankyou for trying to help.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Leraun90

I want you to know you are safe here. I too have felt there is no safe place before and I understand that feeling of running out of options. However, I’ve found eventually options are there but it takes time sometimes to find them.

 I tried quite a few psychologists/counsellors/healing modalities/supports etc. Some were a bit helpful and some were not. I know that feeling of feeling more alone after seeking help than you did before which has happened to me. But eventually I’ve found a good psychologist I feel safe with and who is attuned to what I’m going through. One thing she was recently talking to me about was “holding”, how we take care of ourselves through difficult emotions. It’s a way you can help yourself to feel safe. I did a search online and found a 5-step holding exercise. I don’t think I can post a direct link here but you should find it if you google “The 5 Step Self-holding Exercise: The Art of Healing Trauma”. I haven’t tried it myself yet but I’m going to try tonight.

 I know even doing something like this can feel hard when you are in a difficult space. I’m struggling myself at the moment and it takes effort to do things. But I’ve found just resting your hand on your heart and breathing while directing safe energy to yourself can be calming for the nervous system. It’s a way of comforting yourself.

Have you ever had any hobbies or things you enjoy doing? Have you had a pet you felt close to? I love dogs and will probably get a rescue dog soon. I know not everyone likes dogs. But I’m just wondering if there’s anything you’ve ever felt a connection with, music you like, anything that spoke to you in some way?

At a very simple level at the moment I feel better when I feel the breeze in my face through the window. Sometimes just reconnecting with our senses can help - being present in the hear and now. Asking ourselves what we can hear, what we can see when we look around the room, noticing colours, shapes etc. That can take the stress out of worry about past and future and bring us into the present.

Sending you calming energy and feelings of safety 🙏

[Leraun90]

I don't feel like anything can help me anymore. I am so lost and alone. I see no future anymore or anyway out of this darkness😔

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Leraun 

I can really hear you are experiencing a lot of distress and feelings of isolation and hopelessness. This is a really natural human response to overwhelm.

 I thought of one thing that could help that has helped me somewhat when despairing. I’ve read and done therapy based on the trauma healing work of Peter Levine. One thing he gets people to do is to chant “vooo” very deeply so we feel it resonate, especially in our gut. What this does is stimulate the vagus nerve and can help us shift our bodily state from one of distress (fight/flight/freeze/collapse) to one that is calmer (the parasympathetic rest-and-digest mode).

It may seem silly at first, but it’s sometimes through a shift in bodily states via such physiological means that we can actually start to feel a bit better. I’ve found I can’t think my way out of a traumatised state, but I can often begin to shift things through the body by doing something rather than thinking, as thinking can often go round in circles.

If I was there with you now I’d do the “vooo” chant with you. Peter Levine has used it with trauma survivors and people in high stress situations such as nurses working on the frontline of Covid when it was first happening and it was a crisis situation.

Basically it’s a way of self-soothing.

Sending you kind thoughts and a big hug.

[therising]

Hi Leraun90

Little compares with the feeling of desperation experienced while in the depths of depression. It can be so overwhelming. Based on my own experience with depression over the years I can relate. Desperately wishing the internal dialogue would change, the sadness would stop and someone would come along who could make a difference are just a few of many desperate wishes.

What people don't seem to talk much about, when it comes to managing depression, is how our sense of wonder can begin to disappear. It can be there in the smallest amounts such as with wondering whether speaking to friends, family or a professional will make a difference or whether going on some trip to raise our spirits a little will make a difference but when nothing feels like it's making a difference, the wonder begins to lessen. Without wonder, we stop seeking.

I've found a sense of desperation and a sense of wonder to be 2 key motivators for me when I'm depressed. They've led me down so many rabbit holes when it comes to discovery and greater self understanding. Combined, they can sound like 'I'm desperate enough to try just about anything. I wonder if this thing will make a difference, one I can feel'. It then becomes about getting a feel for what makes a difference and what doesn't. Eagle Ray's suggestion with the 'vooo' meditation offers 3 things to wonder about, 1) What does the vibration feel like, 2) What do I need to know about the vagus nerve (it's role in my body) and 3) Can I feel it making any difference, even if it's just in the moment? Even if it's out of sheer desperation, you could try it and see. You could even take it up a notch and combine the exercise with placing your bare feet on the ground while sitting outside at home. So it becomes about constantly comparing all the differences you can literally feel. Does it lead you to feel even the slightest sense of calm? Does it change the pressure in your head? Does it lead your feet to buzz a little? Does it have some other side effect you can feel?

With a desperation to feel anything other than the side effects of depression (which can definitely feel soul destroying), feeling life in other ways is something worth wondering about. Experimenting with 'feelings', what and how we can feel, can be mind altering.