Feeling blah

[notsurewhatusernametouse]

Hi everyone,

Idk if this is the right place to post this but today, I just have the overwhelming want to just disappear. Not in a suicidal way - I have no urge to kill myself at all. But more in a “I don’t deserve to be here, and whether if I’m here or not won’t make much of a difference so what’s the point anyway?” Kind of way. I usually feel like this when I feel like I’ve hurt someone’s feelings (even if it’s unintentional) or if I have done something wrong in general. And I usually turn to scratching and picking at my skin to deal with feeling like such a terrible person and wanting to disappear because I’m such a terrible person.

It feels weird posting this here because I don’t feel like this all the time, and it feels like my brain is almost faking it. Most days I feel happy to be around my family, friends, and my boyfriend and although work is stressful, I enjoy what I do. But when days like today roll around, it feels absolutely unbearable that I can’t even comprehend how the good days can be so good. These days don’t happen that often (maybe once a month or so), so maybe I’m just overreacting.

I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I guess I think I just want to know if it’s normal to feel like this and I’m just overreacting. Is this normal? Does everyone usually have these thoughts when they’re upset? I’ve been thinking of seeing a therapist and I’ve put it off for so long thinking that I’m not “bad enough”. Plus, I don’t even know where to start looking. Am I taking this out of proportion or is this something I should consider getting help for?

[Sophie_M]

Dear notsurewhatusernametouse,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 

[Croix]

Dear NSWUNTU~

You did the right thing coming here so you can get other's perspectives on your thoughts and feelings when you feel bad, mainly becuse they have had similar too.

Of course you should get some help -no question about it, those thoughts are real, not normal and you are not overreacting. Actually you are being very sensible. The fact at the moment you scratch yourself and pick at your skin shows the depth of feeling you are having.

I'm not saying you are the same as me but I went from "I don’t deserve to be here, and whether if I’m here or not won’t make much of a difference so what’s the point anyway?" to attempts to take my life.

I'm very different now and am glad to be alive.

The fact you have good days is good (seems obvious) however on those days you can do planning and take action.

May first I suggest you go see your GP and in an extended consultation explain how you feel and ask about therapy.

Secondly may I ask if you have anyone you can talk to frankly, and contact when you feel bad? They do not have to fix things, just listen and let you feel cared about. Going it alone is extra hard.

Third plan for the times you are right down. I use a safety plan, something I can reach for without thinking and help myself feel better. (I can't think when in distress)

There is a good free one here that fits in your smartphone:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

It's called BeyondNow and apart from names and phone numbers you fill it full of things that might give you a lift, things you have enjoyed in the past and may again. That's surprisingly hard to do and I needed someone else who knew me well to help fill it in. I'd not remember what was was good, but they did.

You need it be specific, I won't have just"listen to music" but will have specific artists and titles, together with comedy routines and other interesting things. YouTube features a lot, also books, movies, pets and more.

As you find something new that fits the bill add it in, BeyondNow should be an ever-changing list as you live your life.

I hpe you come back and talk some more

Croix

[LanLan123]

Hi,

Sophie and Croix had such helpful advice, I can't really provide anything more. I can say though, at times I feel the same. It's that sense of being overly critical and judgemental of yourself and your actions. I mean it sounds as if you are over analysing and criticising what you may have said or not even said.

Look I don't have the answers, but being able to communicate to others, either your friends, family or a health professional is a first step in realising that you aren't alone and you definitely deserve to be here.

Thank you for sharing, we are listening, we are here.