Exhausted

[Gob]

I've been struggling hard for 4 yrs and things are just getting ridiculous now ,I wake up and my eyes fill with tears my heart feels heavy with pain and sorrow  and I feel so tired even though I've had a good night's sleep.more frequently I have thoughts of killing myself and how I would do it ,how good it would feel to just breathe out my last breath and be done with it .the suffering I feel is unbearable these days I struggle hard to smile and find hope in that each day im closer to something better.i find myself overwhelmed  with intense sadness and desire to just starve to death ,im trying to over come and recover from an  ED aswell and its insanely hard .And what makes it worse is that I Can't. I cant kill myself.i can't do that to my family .but then what ? Am I to suffer forever? I pray for others that go through these struggles ,that you will have strength to get through each day.What do i do then ? Im so alone in my life and no one seems to understand, im shut out by ones that I thought would be the only ones to understand.then I turn to substance abuse to softent the voices,and to dull the pain for a short time ..I wish I was what people wanted ..I wish I could be what I wanted ...I'm going insane ,I can't stand it for much longer I feel myself growing weaker every day I feel no hope .im so very alone 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Gob,

We’re really glad you could come to the forum to share this with our community. We know it isn’t easy to share something like this, but we think it’s a powerful step and we really appreciate your openness and bravery in sharing. We're really sorry to hear how dark and difficult it's been for you though. We're here for you Gob. 

We’ve reached out to you privately to make sure you’re ok, please check your email inbox. If you want to reach out to our counsellors to talk this through, we’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach us online here. There’s also our friends over at the Suicide Call Back service on 1300 659 467, or Lifeline on 13 11 14.

We’d really like to recommend you have a look at the Beyond Blue safety planning app. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline and complete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like. 

Please keep sharing your words on our forums. Many forum members may have experience with some of the challenges you mention and we think you will find great value in all of their kind and supportive responses.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Junior1962]

You’re not alone. You’re here with us. 

I want to encourage you to take up the offer to speak to someone either here at Beyond Blue or Lifeline. It’s clear that you need support and you need it right now.

please let us know how you are doing. 

[therising]

Hi Gob

Stuck between who you once were and who you're going to be (which can be far from clear) can feel so deeply depressing, so grief ridden, so heartbreaking, so unbelievably exhausting and so incredibly lonely. My heart goes out to you as you face what feels so soul destroying and undeniably intolerable at this point.

As a gal who's faced long term depression in the past and still faces the occasional deeply depressing challenges, I'd say finding people who can relate to what it feels like is so important. Finding people who understand how deeply depressing things can get can offer relief to some degree. These are the people who will feel for you, based on their own experience. They're ones who will relate to the horrible internal dialogue or those voices that just never seem to let up.

I know you're a hard worker because you are still here after 4 years. It takes a lot of hard work to manage long term depression. I believe those who feel life, feel their challenges, feel their emotions on a deeper level are ones who work harder than most. While the ability to feel can be a gift at times, it can appear more like a curse when you've got no one showing up at your front door to explain how it all works. So, you're left twisting in the wind simply feeling everything and struggling to understand how to manage it all.

Perhaps a starting point could be...'The people I cannot feel raising me (including those who bring me down and those who leave me vibing in down) are not my 'go to' people for managing what I face. The circle of people I now form will only include those who I can feel making some difference'. If a difference is what you long to feel, trust in your ability to sense a difference. If no one's led you to a difference, they've simply not found the best ways of doing it. Believe me when I say the ways are there.