Don’t know if this is good or bad

H-c · ‎30-06-2020

Hi, so a while ago I was feeling really how do I describe this? down in the dumps. Last several months including last year . So um I still have these thoughts and all and I’m still irritated 24/7 to the point where ppl asks why I’m always mad. How do I tell them I’m not and I don’t know why I’m feeling this way either? I still have mini panic attacks and feel like disappearing every time... Everyone still assumes that I’m okay and I’ve got everything figured out but why couldn’t they see (I mean of course they can’t see) that I can’t sleep, and stay up till 1-3 trying to sleep because of all these thoughts and trying to figure out how I wouldn’t disappoint them or let them down why am I expected to know everything. Like I’m not some superhuman or anything.

So yeah... that’s basically it I don’t know if it’s good or bad. If it is on a scale of one to ten on it being bad ten being the worst how bad is it.

Sophie_M · ‎30-06-2020

Hi H-c,

Thanks for reaching out, it sounds like you're struggling at the moment. We're sorry to hear that you're having trouble sleeping and trouble with unhelpful thoughts. We've reached out to you privately to offer some extra support. We would strongly recommend that you get in touch with Kids Helpline - https://kidshelpline.com.au/ It might help to talk it out whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 by young people 25 and under via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided.

You might also be interested in taking a look at some Beyond Blue resources to help you through this time:

"Staying well" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/staying-well
"Young people" - https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/age-13
"Sleeping well" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/staying-well/sleeping-well

If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you through this difficult period.

sisu100 · ‎01-07-2020

Hi H-c,

Thank you for taking such a brave step in sharing this with us. I’m so sorry for all you've been through in the past few months- it must have been tough to reach out with everything going on in your life. Indeed, you are not a superhuman and are not expected to know everything or handle everything on your own. I want you to know that you’re not alone and that we’re here to support you.

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling so low recently. It sounds like you’ve been dealing with many thoughts in your mind throughout the day, and even when you’re trying to sleep. I am also hearing that along with managing these thoughts, you’re having to cope with your feelings of irritation and panic attacks. I imagine that it must be really frustrating when others ask for answers from you, when you yourself don’t know the cause of these feelings. Your rating of 10 tells me that you’re finding your situation quite overwhelming, would that be correct? Please know that there is help available to you- whether it’s with some of the resources that Sophie_M has listed, or also here in the forums.

It sounds like you’re worried about disappointing people around you by your thoughts and experiences lately. I am wondering if you have tried reached out to anyone close to you about how you’re feeling lately? Remember we are also here to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Please do check in and let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.

H-c · ‎01-07-2020

I’ve told some people and talked to them, honestly all they reply is you’ll be okay just meditate or take a rest. How am I supposed to take a break or rest when my mind won’t stop having these stupid thoughts and it won’t let me rest.

sisu100 · ‎02-07-2020

Hi H-c,
It's great to hear from you, thank you so much for checking in and replying! 🙂 How are you feeling today?
I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through such a difficult time. These constant thoughts must feel awful and exhausting. Although I’m sure other people you’ve talked to mean well, perhaps they don’t really understand your situation and end up simplifying things and providing unhelpful advice. I understand this must be frustrating for you when you would like answers for the way you’ve been feeling. Please let me know how I can best help you during this time. We are here to provide you with as much support and conversation as you need.

If you’re comfortable in sharing, I was wondering if there was any particular advice or help that were hoping to gain from the forums? Once again, please check in and update us on you're going whenever you are up to it- I’d love to hear how you’re progressing.

leesy_lou · ‎02-07-2020

100% - it almost sounds like taking a break and meditating with life how it currently is at the moment does not match with how you are feeling. I like to think of my mental health like a mountain. If I'm half way down already maybe I can walk myself back to the top (more independent support - self-care, walking, friends, mindfulness) but if I'm all the way down then I need a helping hand or a "car" to come pick me up (external support - doctors, psychologist, counsellors, my parents).

From what I understand a while ago you felt super low - continuous negative thoughts not sleeping till early parts of the morning, feeling super irritable. You have also said that anxiety had been popping its head up during school and making your heart beat quick and breathing tight. is this still the case this week, today? Where do you think you are on the mountain today?

H-c · ‎02-07-2020

Hi sisu100

so I’m basically lost, i don’t know what I’m hoping to get by sharing here honestly. I wanna get help i want these negative thoughts to go away i want to sleep early and wake up fresh i don’t want to be me why do i have to be this way?

H-c · ‎02-07-2020

Hi leesy _lou,

truth to be told its has always been like this, And to top it off i get constant headaches as well so that’s fun. On the mountain scale I’d say I’m at the bottom and I dont know if i need a helping hand or something else to pick me up. I thought i was doing well and in the middle but every time i feel like I’m in the middle somehow i “trip” and falls back down to the bottom of the mountain. I’m trying so hard to overcome it but i cant and I’m sick of it.

leesy_lou · ‎08-07-2020

Hey H-c,

I really like your metaphor of "tripping" on the mountain I hadn't thought if it that way before but you are so right. It can feel so defeating when life decides to throw challenge over challenge over challenge (over challenge ...). The journey can seem dark and long I totally get that. It really is a uphill battle. There are always meaningful moments though, glimpses of happiness, love. It's not always about getting the top, it really isn't. Sometimes we need to take a break and "look" around (think). To remember there is always good and beauty around and this is just one tiny moment, which is weirdly relaxing for me. I truely believe this, what do you think? (feel free to agree, or agree to disagree!)

Personally think it'd really inspiring to hear that you had the strength to keep climbing despite feeling like it has always been a challenge. I hear you say you are sick of it and tired but I'm hear to remind you to rest instead of stop. I say this with honesty, please keep telling your story I don't think you realise how powerful, strong and connected it makes others feeling. It is your story, your journey and it's no where near finished. You are never alone.

therising · ‎08-07-2020

Hi H-c

Wondering whether you're naturally analytical. If this is the case, all the thoughts or questions that run through your mind could be thoughts or questions that naturally require analysis. Having lived both inside and outside of depression, I've discovered the same thoughts and questions can come to mind yet we can find our self analysing them from different viewpoints. When it comes to understanding our self the questions can be valid:

In depression (where the questions can feel degrading or depressing)

What's wrong with me?
Why can't I be more social?
Why do I feel so hopeless?
Why can't I calm myself down?

With a different perspective

What's wrong with me? What circumstances are leading my perception and brain chemistry to alter in such a way? Are there people or situations in my life that challenge me to the point of discomfort? Who or what are they and what are the challenges? How can I manage them? Do I need to gain new skills in managing them?
Why can't I be more social? Do I actually enjoy the social settings I find myself in? Am I sensitive to noise? Is this a factor that puts my body into a state of hyperactivity or anxiety? Are others less sensitive than me, which is why they can tolerate the noise? Do people trigger me to intolerance through their behaviour? Why? How? By the way, being sensitive offers us many incredible abilities. Once we explore these abilities, a whole new world can open up
Why do I feel so hopeless? What or who leads me to hope for less or feel hopelessness? 'Leads' is a key word. We don't want to play 'follow the leader' when what's leading us is depressing and/or intolerable
Why can't I calm myself down? 'I've never learned how to' might be the answer. Personally, I was never really great with meditation, until I found what made the difference. I have to be meditating on something specific for meditation to work for me. For example, to calm myself down I will meditate on my out breath. If I'm feeling pretty 'powered up' (angry or stressed), it's the breath that's going to exhaust the build up of energy in my body. If I'm looking for inspiration, when it comes to questions I need answers to, I'll meditate on inspiration. I'll ask my question and see what naturally comes to mind. You know how when something pops into your head and you think 'That's brilliant, where did that come from?' Inspiration works through us not thinking

I imagine you have many valid questions worth finding the answers to.

🙂