Constantly in this negative train

[PocketRocket88]

TW Suicidal ideations, urges

I honestly don't know where else to get help from... My local hospital seemed to not take the necessary step to help me out with my problem... Whenever I present to their ED they just do all the ED stuff and then just discharges me even when I still pose a risk to myself... I even verbalise to them directly that I am not safe to go home... I feel so rejected and defeated right now... I'm actually afraid to go home nowadays coz of how strong my ideations and urges are lately... Plus how vivid these ideations are... I have community mental health support but I just feel that I'm not supported enough or for them my problem is not as bad as I feel or imagine it to be...

I feel like I'm going more mental and that I'm making all these things up... The only way I sort off have to keep myself safe is by either forcing myself to sleep as soon as I get home or if I'm just at home OR I have to keep busy with work (which depends on how much shift they'd give me)... I am trying to take on a new hobby which is bejewelling a portrait of a rose that I bought in Big W the other day... I can only do so much, so what do I do when I ran out of options to distract myself? Or what do I do when I'm so stuck in my head that I can't stop myself from going thru the plan which btw is always in play it's just a matter of trying to put it off every waking day...

ive been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety. I was on meds but due to conflicting information between different doctors I decided to stop taking them for months now... Due to a very limited number of psychology sessions under Medicare, I had to spread my appointment very thin specially now that I'm only left with 4-5 sessions for the year... Just got approved for NDIS funding just waiting for the allocation of budget. I have a community mental health support worker that's under my local hospital... Even with all these I still feel unheard, ignored and/or not taken seriously specially when my suicide plan is pretty serious... Also I live alone so if I do anything without telling someone no one would ever know... It scares me a little bit but each time I get rejected and ignored my fear seemed to slowly disappears and I know that one day I won't be scared I. Feeling this way because I feel exhausted

[Bob_22]

Hi PocketRocket88,

Sorry that you've been struggling at work and no longer find it as a safe space. In response to your questions, I don't think you should continue to pretend things are hunky dory. If you need to leave work early and have the opportunity, please do so. Croix has some great ideas re trying to find/remake a new safe working environment. I always found it best to be transparent with my manager regarding my mental health and my work needs. But that's very dependent on the workplace. Perhaps try starting a conversation and see how you go?

Bob 

[PocketRocket88]

A few of the managers and HR people knows my current problem with mental health and they've been very understanding... I had to tell my manager about my mental health issue when the cops turned up into my workplace the first time... Coz of where I work and their runnings with law and stuff, I felt that I need to explain why the cops were there and that it's not anything to do with breaking the law but it's about my mental health... At first they didn't really grasp how bad it was until cops turned up again the second time... That's when HR got involved... I am truly grateful to my managers and HR people as they've been trying to find a way to help me thru this.. although not all managers know my situation, everyone has been really good with me... I wanted to keep my personal issues seperate to work stuff but unfortunately I didn't have a choice when it started affecting my work... One of the things I told them is the variety of role I can do on my shifts, which they're trying to accommodate as much as possible but coz of the lack of staff in the department that I'm in ATM hence why I'm constantly doing that job each shift... I try to sort off do things different each shift just to get some variation may it be as simple as giving the bar mats a scrub or cleaning the bar fridge.. even then the thoughts and urges just lingers often times longer than usual most specially these past week or two. So having to do different things whilst at work does help abit but it doesn't last that long...

Today I picked up a overnight shift, which is a first... Don't know how I'll cope... Again it's a new day but same crap... I'm really tired of feeling this way... Im trying to see the positives in life but I'm still coming out short and stuck in this negativity... I want this to all end but for that to happen I have to give in and let go... Which I'm a step closer to doing it... Can't take this anymore...

[PocketRocket88]

How do I ever get out of this never ending merry go round??? I tried all that I could possibly do and yet it seemed to be not enough... Am I asking for more or am I expecting something that may never come???

Work is a good distraction when it's busy but when it's quiet? My mind wonders and my inner demons are screaming in my head saying that 'for all this pain and suffering to end, one must put a dot on this story.. ... I need to get out of this merry go round...

[PocketRocket88]

TW SUICIDAL IDEATIONS AND URGES 

I woke up today full of questions in my head. Why am I here? What is my life's purpose? Why am I feeling like this? How do I get myself out of this rut? Why my life's like this? Why Am I all alone or feel that I am alone in this? Am I doing enough to help myself? How do I keep going when I feel like it's the end? Am I gonna come out of this alive? Would I ever get out of this rut? Why can't I do anything right? Why am I such a failure? Am I better off dead than living like this? Is everyone better off once I'm gone? Is there anything else I could do that I haven't done yet to help myself? Where do I go from here?

My inner demons is pushing me to go with whatever happens and to also just accept that this is how it is and that nothing will change so why continue torturing myself

[Sophie_M]

Hey PocketRocket88,

Thank you for sharing this update. We're sorry to hear you're dealing with suicidal ideations and urges today. We hope you don't mind that a member of our Support Service team will be reaching out to you privately today to offer some support. 

In the meantime, please consider reaching out to Lifeline on 13 11 14 to discuss this and work out some steps for staying safe while you're dealing with these thoughts and questions. We're here for you too, and want you to know that you deserve to feel safe and supported through these difficult times. If at any moment you feel unsafe, please call 000. 

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us here. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure some others will spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[PocketRocket88]

How does one get over this rut and loop I'm in ATM? The thought and urge are so vivid that I'm actually believe that I'm doing it.. how can I challenge this and turn my brain around .. I'm in dire need of some advice 

[Sophie_M]

Hey PocketRocket88, 

We're sorry to hear you're finding it really hard to challenge the thoughts and urges right now. Thank you for sharing this with the community. We can hear you want to turn this around, and we're getting in touch with you privately to offer some support. If you'd rather reach us directly, please call us on 1300 22 4636 or reach out online here.

In the meantime, we wanted to share with you some of most supported posts in this section. We can hear you're in need of some advice, and we think there are some amazing perspectives shared here:

Do you have a safety plan?
Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?
Suicidal? how to survive this difficult time
Instead of harming myself I now........(list three of four dot points)

We hope these are helpful, PocketRocket88.

Please remember if you're feeling unsafe, Lifeline are available on 13 11 14, and 000 is the number to call if you're unable to avoid acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Bob_22]

Hi PocketRocket88,

Thanks for the update. Sorry for the drop in replies. I seemed to have lost notifications for this thread somehow but only just discovered again. I'm sorry to hear that you're in that dark place again right now. If you haven't already, I would recommend contacting beyond blue or any of the following services when you're having negative thoughts. 

Beyond Blue 

Suicide Call Back Service  

Lifeline

I remember last time we left off that you found work was a good protective factor for you. Is that still the case? How about your support team? 💙

Bob

[PocketRocket88]

Work is still a protective factor for me at this moment but there are those little instances where I lost control and acted on the urge whilst at work... Today was nearly the same... My mind was racing with million thoughts and the urge just kept building up... But I got myself thru the shift with just a little cut on my finger... Now that I'm home alone, its so busy in my head everything just came rushing in one after the other... I don't even know which one to pay attention to...  I need to shut my brain off, for me to be able to do that I have to do something that's risky on its own... I've tried reaching out to my local acute care team but I kept missing their call but I call th back each time and now they haven't called at all... I've tried all other services like lifeline and all, I find this forum is better and truly helpful most times... I've got a safety plan in place which I'm trying to put into action... My support coordinator is aware of my struggles lately and is trying her best to come up with a solution...

[therising]

Hi PocketRocket88

While inner demons speak in such obvious ways, inner angels can be much harder to recognise. Inner angles will typically lead one to questioning. Questions such as the ones you ask become valid questions, soulful questions. 'Why am I here? What is my life's purpose? Why am I feeling like this? How do I get myself out of this rut? Why my life's like this? Why Am I all alone or feel that I am alone in this? Am I doing enough to help myself?' etc. While appearing collective, they are all individual questions requiring individual answers.

Rephrasing some of the questions can lead them to sound far more angelic that what they do. For example 'Why am I such a failure?' rephrased can become 'What am I failing to do, time and time again?'. The answer could be 'I am failing to find the right person to help me manage these inner demons like a pro?'. So, it's not about you, it's about the lack of constructive guides around you. It's not your fault that you've not yet met the person who holds the key to such management. There are people who do hold the key but you have to be prepared to search for them. You'll know who they are when you feel what works. You can come across 1000 people who do not hold the key and each of those people will lead you to feel depressed and alone in your struggle. Then you may come across person 1001 and you feel the change, the shift. You know they're the person you've been looking for. This may help answer a 2nd question on the list, 'Why am I feeling like this?. We are designed to feel and therefor will feel all that's wrong and all that's right. We'll feel true north and when things are heading south. We feel because we are born with a compass.