Confused about my grief

[Nicksmum]

My son died 9 weeks ago. He is my middle child and we had a very special bond and I loved him more than life itself. He was a much loved and desperately wanted IVF baby. I’m just not understanding my grieving process. The last 2 days it is like nothing has happened or changed, I just block it all or feel nothing and carry on as normal. I feel so guilty and like I must be a monstrous human being. Have I gone into denial? How can that be possible given my previous overwhelming grief? Tonight I’m back to crying…it’s a roller coaster. His father also suicided when my son was very young-2 and a 1/2. My youngest child (different father who also has significant mental health issues) is currently in a private health clinic for their grief further complicated by their pre existing mental health issues. I think I kept trying to rescue the men I married but just made things worse. The common denominator is me. I think about ending my own life because I am a failure as a mother and a human being. And I miss my son and want to be where he is, or if he isn’t anywhere, then not feeling so useless, hopeless and in pain. But my (now) husband who is completely wonderful has been so supportive and strong I would hurt him immeasurably if I died and I don’t know if my youngest would survive. I always told my son who suicided that when he was depressed or placing himself in dangerous situations to think about me because I would be right there with him, if he died, I would too. It was like a pact. So how do I choose? I’m trapped. I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense, nothing makes sense to me at the moment. I feel like I’m losing my mind.

[white knight]

Hi Nick's mum, welcome

What a wonderful mother you have been and always will be.

I gravitated to your post for several reasons. I'm 66yo. My late older brother suicided in 1979, my sister and myself attempted and we all have bipolar.

Guilt!. Guilt is terrible and I suffered like you. "why didnt my brother ring me? Why didnt he give any indication of his plans, his depression?". Some things in life cannot be explained yet they leave us with guilt. Sometimes guilt is so entrenched you need grief counselling, so consider it please. Eventually I accepted that I'm a mere mortal that had no control over my brothers decisions but I did have control over my own life and its direction, which led me to here in 2013 to give to other people in distress. That leads me to the best thing about all my actions to cope with these issues- distraction.

I've got a few threads helping you do this. You only need to read the first post of each. It will be worth your while dear kind mum. I've also posted a poem I've re-written for you.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-best-praise-you'll-ever-get

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical-

THE HOUSE OF WAX

He was busy with the pouring
This old man’s name of Max
So I toured his workplace while he toiled
This holy house of wax

There were inventors of a kind
And starlets from the stage
There were master minds of talent
From another age

There were heroes of the wars
And leaders of a group
There were figurines of wax
From every allied troop


I stopped to admire him work
His name tag read just “Max”
“You really are a marvel
How you recreate with wax”

I focused on his one off mould
And marvelled when it set
This figure of a lady
on a forum I had met

Her arms were open wide
as if about to fly
I asked a simple question
I asked a simple “why”?

Because she is cradling her kids
Even though you cannot see
It is the stance she had
When they were young and free

He continued to work away
As his making of a sign did end
And I was in total awe
Of a mirror image of my friend

He rolled out the final cast
To place at Nick's mums feet
This house of wax curator
That I was glad to meet

He placed the sign just right
This single cast of one
The sign read appropriately
“This is the perfect mum”

Repost anytime. Talk away

TonyWK

[Sophie_M]

Dear Nick’s mum

Thank you for posting in our forum. We would like to compliment the significant courage you displayed by posting. You can use your considerable strength to help you successfully navigate through your normal grief.

We understand that your grief is confusing you because it is different from what you expected it to be. Please try to be reassured that there is not any 'right way' to experience grief.

We hope the following resource might help.

The government provides GriefLine, free for people across Australia.
1300 845 745 - from 6 AM to Midnight, AEST, every day.
https://griefline.org.au

We also encourage you to discuss your experience of grief with other supportive members of our community here on the forum.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[That Other Guy]

I'm so sorry. I'm crying after reading what you wrote. I can't imagine the things you've gone through. That you're even still here tells me you're a strong person.

You obviously feel grief. Your post screams that fact to me. You're dealing with things i can't even imagine coping with. Don't be mad at yourself for how you feel when you've been dealt such a blow, humans are complex and your brain is trying to protect you from being overwhelmed. Don't judge yourself, accept the support your partner is offering and just deal with things as they come. Theres no guidebook for this, no set of rules you need to follow. You don't owe anyone anything. You need to focus on being kind to yourself.