can't take it anymore

[britishtvfan]

i'm having such a hard time lately. i had some person in the uk who i thought was a good close friend of mine. there were so many red flags that i didn't see - they didn't show me what they looked like & when i politely asked them they kept making excuses like "so what if i am an old creepy man, it wouldn't make a difference?" & things like that. i get being insecure but she knew what i looked like. i knew her name & age but that's all. i started talking to her on a blogging website because we both liked rock & metal music, old british sitcoms/comedies etc. she was also a violent person as she told me she's beaten people up before in real life. & she shares what she calls "art" which is violent things of blood, people being hurt etc. i should've cut ties with her then. we had an argument because she told me she was going to be there on a certain day after christmas & then she sends me a message an hour before we talk (used to be 3am for me but then 4am because of daylight savings over there) & her message wasn't even apologetic, it was like she typed up some excuse & copied & pasted it to avoid me. i kept apologising to her & admitting my mistakes, trying to work things out for both of us. i liked talking to her because we had inside jokes, we talked about things in common, we roleplayed which i enjoyed (stuff like fanfiction, so we'd act as the characters in a show we both liked & do romance, funny stuff, drama, etc). it made me happy. she was threatening to me although she can't do anything. i'm so hurt & upset by this & i feel so stupid & regretful that i ever joined & talked to her. i can't afford therapy. idk if my meds are working. i just stay up late & sleep in late & my parents get annoyed with me, i understand why but i don't feel like doing anything like going out of the house anymore, i haven't for months, even when i was on good terms with her. she said good things about me like she doesn't want to lose me but she cut ties with me yesterday saying she wants nothing to do with me. accuses me of stuff i never said & did, calls me a narcissist, manipulative, & other hurtful things. i'm in a group online which is for mental health suffers worldwide of all ages trying to support each other in a friendly environment. but i post & they seem to get ignored, like my comments, even when i put trigger warnings. but everyone else's, even worse posts, get approved. i get they're busy. i get left on read & avoided by everyone. i wish i was never born.

[Croix]

Dear Tayla~

I'm pleased you are still watching old British TV, it did give you some pleasure in the past and I hope it still does.

You did say you didn't know about anything anymore. Would you like to give some idea of the sort of thngs you meant? It would be nice to have answers to troubles, unfortunately I've found for me it does not always work that way and I just have to keep on going and hope for the best -which can be pretty hard

Frankly I don't beleive you when you say you are a failure and everything bad. The trap is to judge yourself as if everything was fine for you - and that's not right, and not fair either. Living with depression is not the same as living when all is well - it's very different but you are managing somehow to cope, and this is a bit of a victory, not a failure.

As for being bad, all hte time I've known you there has never been anything to make me think of you as bad. Again I'd imagine unrealistic expectations as you are unwell leads you to think that - and it's wrong.

Croix