Can't get better

[felix mendelssohn]

Just venting into an outlet where this speech may perhaps be permissible, hoping it makes me feel better and dissuades from action

So sick of who I am. Nothing is for me. Not study, not work, not idleness. There is no way to find contentment, only numbing relief through intoxicants. There's no point to life without pleasure, and it is an unreasonable expectation that I should persist. The only argument is not to cause pain to people who care for you. If you retreat over enough years, cut connections, burn bridges, make yourself an unpleasant memory, no one will notice you go. I've undone so much progress towards that but I think it was a mistake. I tried to kill myself last July but couldn't follow through. Increasingly I think I should have and I hate that but how do I combat it?

I just want a reprieve for a year or two so I can put something positive in motion please. I want to outgrow this

[Sophie_M]

Hey felix,

Thank you for sharing such a brave and open post. We know that isn't easy, but we hope you can see that it's a really powerful step to have taken.

We can hear you really want to find a way to stop having these thoughts. It must be incredibly difficult to deal with this pain, but it's really good that you're thinking about ways you can get something positive in motion. We’ve reached out to you privately to check you’re ok, and we really encourage you to give our counsellors a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service whenever you want to talk it through. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or online, and the team are really good at talking people through moments like this and working out options for more support.

It’s really important that you are kind to yourself and keep yourself safe. Please remember that if you feel unsafe, or unable to avoid acting on thoughts of suicide the number to call is 000.

It sounds like the Beyond Now suicide safety planning app may be a helpful resource to you. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline on 13 11 14 and compete it together with one of their counsellors over the phone.

We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Sea_Turtle]

Hi Felix

My last attempt was 2 years ago in February. I know the argument well that you are referring too, it is painful.

I wonder what sort of help your getting because I know for me it persisted and persisted till I got help where people took me seriously and had experience in my particular condition. Meds can be a funny one too, what works for one person won’t work for the next. I was terrified of meds so much so I avoided help because I knew they would just say meds.

Two years on I can actually recognise how helpful the meds that I’m on are. I have no intention of death at all. I want to live. I really mean that. I’m not perfect but I want to live.

As for burning bridges, I know it feels important because you don’t want to hurt anybody but the reality is that some people don’t want you to burn that bridge, and that the connection you had with them was possibly actually giving you love and comfort which you need. Humans need connections, I know it probably feels like you can’t connect with them now anyway but you will again. You deserve to have people in your life.

take care Sea_Turtle

[geoff]

Hello Felix, numbing yourself through intoxicants may only help you if you're in the mood, otherwise it can detrimental not only for your health but also in being able to make sensible decisions and a time when you can easily lose people you thought were your friend/s, and because of this people fade away from you.

We may try and cope with this in our own way, but after a few days we slowly begin to wake up and realise that all of this has been a bad dream, and decide it's time to reaccess our position.

To do this could mean you have to forget about your friends because their memories may not forget, so you have to start elsewhere, but firstly you need to come to terms on why this happened and to whom by getting someone who is trained to understand your predicament, this will enable you to move forward, allowing you to attach yourself to new people.

It's not so much 'as combating it', as you say, but to realise and accept that there were problems that you hoped these 'intoxicants' would help you, weren't the answer you were looking for, and I can say this because I also tried.

We are pleased you are safe and want to help you along this journey.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi felix

I feel for you so much as you face the mind altering experience of depression. Based on my own experience with depression, I can relate how seriously bad things can get. Btw, if there's one thing I'm so glad to have failed at it would be my attempt to leave this world, when I hit the absolute depths of my depression, some years back. The reason is based on the fact that I would have missed out on all I've experienced between coming out of my depression and now. I wouldn't have had any of it. Right up to the moment before coming out of my 15 or so years in depression, I never believed I'd ever come out of it. You never know what will bring you out. You just never know until you meet with it.

I've come to use the analogy of a well, when I think of depression. While you can't feel yourself entering in and you don't necessarily feel the first so many meters down, at some point you begin to feel it. And when you meet with people who know what the absolute depths feels like or what absolute rock bottom feels like, they'll relate to it as the feeling of 'absolute overwhelming despair'. Nothing compares to that feeling, nothing. While I was a gal who drank while I was down there, to numb the feelings that come with that experience, I can now relate to how depressing drinking can get. With the experts declaring alcohol as a depressant, based on what it does to our way of thinking and our chemistry, I can relate to the natural impact it has. It stops us from feeling the depressing challenges that are pushing hard for change. Sounds a little strange but one of the reasons I no longer drink is so I can feel what's depressing. I need to feel it in order to remove such depressing factors from my life. If I can't feel the push to change things, such things remain.

'So sick of who I am' is something else I can relate to, even these days. Throw a 'because' in there and it changes things up, perhaps offering a little more clarity. 'I'm so sick because of who I am'. For example, if I am sick of having no constructive guidance in my life, I am sick because I'm someone who isn't 'A seeker of constructive guidance'. Plenty of destructive guidance out there, btw. If I'm sick of the job I'm in, I'm sick because I'm not 'A job seeker, of a different job'.

I recall, in the moment of coming out of depression, the question I asked myself, 'If I am not my depression (with all its traits) then who am I?'. I had no idea.

A strange question perhaps, 'Do you know who you are?'

[felix mendelssohn]

Hi all,

Thank you for your replies. I'm feeling much better right now.

I swear the majority of the time I'm actually coping alright, but I get these crushing episodes of despair for no good reason and there's nothing to be done about it. Once those moods have passed, the only way for me to take what has happened seriously is to actually have some documentation of how I felt, like my post here, or a photo of myself in tears, or some physical injury. Otherwise it just all seems like a bad dream. So I hope it's okay that I've used here as a tool in that sense.

To meaningfully respond a bit, yes Sophie I've had that app on my phone for a couple of years. I've had a bad experience with lifeline but that may have just been the particular person on the other end of the line.

To Sea Turtle, I've tried about four different medications and none of them did much. The side-effects far outweighed the benefits in any case. I'm glad that you've found something that works for you and that you're in a much healthier state of mind 🙂 I'm very reluctant to see a gp about any of this again as I know they're just going to prescribe medication or some other scary intervention.

I have come to agree, Geoff, that intoxicants are not really helpful. I honestly don't know if I'm addicted to alcohol. I don't think I am. But neither can I go more than a week or so without feeling a horrible episode coming on and feeling like self-destructive drinking is an attractive option. I'm not sure what's going on here, and despite seeing a psychologist for several years I still don't know.

Thanks for again offering support therising. 🙂 The argument is always that depression is a temporary thing and there are good things that will come once it passes. I don't think people who are depressed are capable of fathoming a positive future. I think using that 'because' trick sounds helpful. It might help to challenge some of the entrenched, automatic thinking patterns that I recognise are typical in depression. I'll give it a shot next time I'm feeling in a state. No, I don't know who I am.

Felix

[geoff]

Hello Felix, there are so many definitions of what people believe an alcoholic is and it differs from one person to another, although the medical profession have their standard interpretation, but this doesn't necessarily mean they aren't one themselves.

Many people have their own reasons why they drink and I'm not going to profess that I can call anyone an alcoholic, even though I used it to self medicate while in depression.

Best wishes.

Geoff.