Dear K_Ley,
I just fought through strong urges myself today, so I'll try to share what helped. I think it comes down to being able to internally regulate emotionally, but that can be really hard to do on your own. So that is why it is great you have posted here. Sometimes we need to reach out to others who are safe to help ourselves first co-regulate with another, and then we can start to internally emotionally regulate the distress.
I posted just before you which was my way of telling someone what is happening for me. I think if you can at least first let the feelings out, that is like a pressure release valve. It takes some of the pressure off. Then being able to recognise that there are other people who are out there who care and have dealt with similar experiences. I think that helps you feel less alone.
You may be helped by calling a helpline. Both Lifeline and the BB Helpline are still open right now if you need to talk. That can sometimes help to just regulate you enough to be able to settle, at least a bit.
Another thing is remembering some of the things you enjoy doing, that you would want to live for. That is something that is helping me right now. I love photography and going out in nature. If I'm not here anymore I can't enjoy doing that. So, as hard as it may be right now, it may help just to remember things that you value and enjoy. When you are overwhelmed you can very understandably lose perspective on the good things, but they are still there waiting for you when you recover from the current place you are in.
Your current situation does sound stressful. It is understandable you are feeling vulnerable. I'm wondering if there are supports within your workplace you can go to for advice? I think it's important to remember sometimes things feel at their absolute worst, but actually are manageable and can be sorted out, but just feel overwhelming at the time. That is kind of what played out for me today. I felt pushed over the edge, but I've realised I'm not powerless in my situation and there are things I can do about it and ways to manage it. So I think it's knowing that things will most likely be ok, but sometimes they just really don't feel ok in the moment. But it's just the moments you are going through now. Everything is in flux and you can rebalance and feel better again.
Some forms of distraction might help right now. If you cannot sleep sometimes just engaging with a non-stressful distraction may help. I have done things like watch a favourite episode of a comedy on YouTube that takes me into a different space within myself. Or listen to particular music that lifts me in a way that feels helpful at the time. You could try writing down some things that might help you to begin with. The Beyond Now App that Beyond Blue have can also be helpful as a reminder of such things, where you can input what resources you have when you do feel in a crisis.
Take care and know I'm thinking of you right now and that it is possible to settle. Even just making yourself a hot beverage can be calming. I called Lifeline once and at the end of the call with a lovely gentleman who was like a kindly grandfather, he suggested to me I go and have a cup of tea and a biscuit before bed. Such a simple thing but it helped so much. I never had grandparents in my life (apart from a grandmother in another state who wasn't motherly), so it felt like having a lovely grandfather caring for me.
Take care and I hope the feelings ease soon and you can breathe, let go and get some sleep.
