365 days.

[xcBellePepper]

There are just 24 days left of 2022. Each day that passes is one less that I need to survive. 

341 days of survival. I can't call it living, I may be alive, but at this point I am purely surviving and even then only just.

In my 34 years I have suffered from mental heath issues for about 19 of those. Over time,  I have learnt coping strategies,  ways of recognising warning signs and when to ask for help.

In my late teens and early 20s, I went through a stage of self harm and risky behaviour.  There were no suicide attempts, nor thoughts. Just a general feeling of being misunderstood and wanting to escape the world. 

My mid to late 20s, my anxiety became more prominent,  I withdrew and self isolated. The suicide ideations began during this period,  but I could never commit suicide, it wouldn't be fair on those around me.

My early 30s were a period of great upheaval. They haven't been good years. There has been a lot of loss, people, places, jobs, things, the will to continue.  I lost 2 different family friends to suicide in this period, and my own father was at times suicidal. My thoughts moved towards dying through accidental means or through terminal illness, something that wasn't my fault.

At 34, the year 2022, for the first time I find myself spending the majority of the 365 days of the year, just surviving. I have considered suicide more days this year, than not. Whilst the thoughts are just thoughts. With no specific plan, I am fearful that with time that may change. I am fearful, that the thoughts will get too overwhelming and I'll make a snap decision. 

I'm fearful I won't survive another 365 days. 

[smallwolf]

hello and and welcome.

you have certainly experienced a lot in your life so far - perhaps more than most, and you have not really indicated what happened. Not that you need to either But that yo have had suicidal thoughts may indicate real challenges, struggles, etc. And recently have had to deal with the loss of friends and that itself is quite stressful!

At the same time you have had the courage to write here and share part of your story. There are many people on the forums here who have had thoughts and made it through those periods. 

You mentioned knowing the (your) warning signs. Can I ask whether you have the safety plan?

I can say that one thing that worked me was the having my reasons to live in a message on my phone.

While i am not exactly sure what you are looking for.... If you were looking for someone to chat to, I will follow you and chat. Listening to you...

[therising]

Hi xcBellePepper

I believe few work harder than those who see and feel the world differently, more deeply to be precise. So much wondering, so much work on self understanding and so many strategies developed over time, in order to manage the difference. It sounds like you have worked incredibly hard over the years. Can definitely become exhausting, such hard work.

Simply surviving from one day to the next has a definite feel to it. To say it can be a horrible feeling is putting it mildly. While I believe the ability to feel so deeply is a gift in many ways (one that not all people have), there are times where it can definitely resemble a curse. When you can feel no one making a much needed difference to you, when you can feel the impact of other's words and actions, when you can feel the darkness in your own internal dialogue, what less hope than ever before feels like (hopelessness) and so much more, the ability to feel so deeply feels cruel and it can become so deeply depressing.

I'm yet to meet anyone who was raised to fully understand and master their ability to feel. I have met plenty who were conditioned to suppress and never question their feelings or ability to feel so easily. I've met plenty who were conditioned to see feeling/s as being a problem, as opposed to it pointing to a type of compass that directs us in so many ways. The ability to sense/feel when things are 'going south' or when we're standing still (when we're not evolving through and beyond what depresses us) are 2 aspects of such a compass. The ability to sense what 'true north' feels like (the direction we need to head in) is something few of us are taught to get a feel for. Standing still, not knowing which way to head, can feel like such a lonely experience. When we're at crossroads in life, without any form of signpost, it can feel like we're standing there simply surviving until some form of direction becomes clear.