Worried about other users - how are we all doing?

[Chris_B]

Hi everyone,

I thought I'd check in to see how everyone is doing; while the nature of these forums is as a place of support, and it feels good to help others, we need to make sure our own welfare is looked after too.  Sometimes reading the experiences of others can be validating, because we feel 'we've been there', but sometimes it can also be a trigger for bringing up unpleasant feelings.

I've started this thread so we can have a constructive discussion about helping others and helping ourselves - how do you cope when you read about others in distress?  Do you have a self-care plan in place, and if so, what is it?

Really looking forward to hearing from you all.

[White_Rose]

It does take time and I am very pleased you are managing this. I learned the same lesson, though for me it was answering emails. They sure came back to haunt me.

Mary

[Dr_Kim]

Hi all,

I was looking through these posts and wanted to add a couple of thoughts in self care and in how to be most effective to people in need .

One important point was touched on in one of the posts - the point on just being there and allowing the person in need to feel that someone is TRYING to understand them . You don't have to nail it , you don't have to have sage advice , you don't have to have awesome solutions but you do need to bring your ears and your empathy.
I find this helpful as for many people there are no simple or easy answers - so you are going to really feel awful if you expect yourself to solve stuff for them. However just about everyone can use an ear to really listen to their story and a heart to really try and understand their hurt .

Which brings me to the second point. If you are not in the position to listen with an open heart to someone's story, best not to put yourself in the position of trying to do it, as you will feel awful and the person may also wonder if it's their story that is the problem.

So the advice to take a break and only support others when you feel up to it is important and also responsible.
I had the opportunity to meet some of the community champs who post on the forum recently and I was struck by their integrity, their generosity and also their ability to know their strengths and their weaknesses. It's such an generous and kind act to support others in need but it is also vital to know ones limitations especially when dealing with fragile people.

There is much safe advice here on that self care and it is great that it is an open topic .

I often use the metaphor that if an airplane's air pressure drops, you are asked to fix your own oxygen mask first BEFORE helping others to fix theirs .

[startingnew]

thanks for the extra tips Dr Kim

[Guest_9809]

Yes, I agree with startingnew - good sound advice and I thank you Dr Kim. I think I need to heed your advice!

Taurus

[startingnew]

what if you have written a post and think it was the wrong thing to say?

what do you do then?

[Croix]

Dear Startingnew~

Obviously one tries to post so that at least it does not hurt others. I guess there might be an occasion where things came out the opposite of what you meant or you realized later it was harmful.

You could of course post again and explain what you realty meant.

Under some circumstances, if the matter is indeed serious, you could report your own post using the Report Post link top right in every post and in the resulting message area tell the Moderators of the problem and leave it to them to make a judgment and take action if they feel it appropriate.

While I do not think this would be a good thing to do often I'm sure they would understand in an emergency.

I hope this helps

Croix

[startingnew]

Thanks Croix

I havent done anything harmful that required the report post but i have jumped a few times and it came out totally wrong. Even after reading it twice. Ive posted and then othershave posted and ive totally misinterpreted what that member has said

I felt really bad about it sometimes wish i could edit it.

[Guest_829]

i agree with what you and i'm not too fussed if someone wants to jump right in and give me some advice or offer some insight into their own lives.i find any response worthy and just appreciate that someones around.im not bothered if someone hasnt got perfect grammar or isnt word perfect.for me its one of the best feelings knowing you all are sometimes on here,helping.theres still loads of great people in the world

[startingnew]

hi guys

im in need of some advice regarding being here and triggering posts

im wondering how others deal better. i have given my tips about restraining from posting and the tips ive given others ive taken on board myself but i talk to this person quite a fair bit, the post was going well then right at the end of it, it really triggered me. i can handle the other content and can respond accordingly but i cant seem to get back to that thread. they arent even aware they triggerred me and i feel really bad because of it

any tips?

[Croix]

Dear SN~

In an ideal world there would be an answer you could use straight away to fix this problem, unfortunately it does not always work out like that.

Sometimes you have to wait until either circumstances or the way your mind thinks about things changes. I'm in the situation where I avoid a thread I made several months ago, too confronting.

You, I and the others here help where we can - but it is where we can, not everywhere.

Please don't push ourself too much. you do an awful lot already

Croix