What came first, the chicken or the egg?

[Itsnotyouitsme]

Well surprise surprise this isnt really a post about chickens or eggs its more a question of whether the depression and anxiety preceded the alcohol abuse or the alcohol abuse exacerbated an already susceptible mental health concern...

I wont go into the backstory too much except to say that i struggled (a lot) with depression from as pre teen years as far back as maybe single digits as i grew up at the mercy of a violent alcoholic parent. I escaped into foster care for about year at about 14 or 15 and was medicated for depression i think for about 12 months and though ive had extensive counselling and psycholigist sessions over the years im ultimately pretty damaged from it all.

It took me the best part of a decade to get my shit together but not before getting into recreational party drugs for a few years which further played havoc with my brain chemistry.

But i got my shit together by my mid 20's, got a good job, started studying and then pretty much spent the next decade working full time and studying part time (and takjng the edge off socially and unsocially) with alcohol.

I cant remember when it got out of hand but i can recal as far back as about a decade now having no issue in kicking off on the couch to a bottle of wine. I always worked in a corporate industry so raging friday night drinks were an acceptable norm.

Fast forward to moving in with my now husband about 9 years ago and as he was a big drinker (often) and i was a big drinker (binge) i feel that we too a degree enabled each others behaviours.

Ive never been an all day drinker but for a time over a few months last year when i was suffering sever anxiety and then again up to a few months ago i had no qualms (well maybe a few qualms) about taking the edge off with a bottle of wine a few nights a week.

I stopped drinking almost 2 months ago and though a felt good for the first few weeks (its amazing what waking up without a hangover can do) but.... My depression and anxiety is absolutely out of control. I always took the edge of 'sad', 'stressed', 'angry', 'anxious' and now that i cant self medicate i feel like i have lost all equilibrium. Lowest of lows and wired anxiousness.

I dont want to medicate as we are considering trying to conceive in the near future but i dont know how to achieve calm n chill.

Ive ditched alcohol, cut out most social media, im burning essential oils, taking baths, trying to exercise (but my energy levels are so low).

I need help.

[jess334]

Hi itsnotyouitsme,

Welcome to the forums. I hope you find some calm here.

First, well done stopping drinking! That is a huge step. It's great that you were able to recognise that you had a problem.

I'm not sure it really matters which came first, but since you have dealt with the alcohol abuse, you are now free to deal with the anxiety/depression. I would suggest speaking to your GP. I completely understand about not wanting to start medication before pregnancy (although some antidepressants are safe for pregnant women) - but as someone who has recently had my first child I promise you really want your mental health to be as good as it can be before you have a baby. Because after they are born it will get shaky again for a little while - the sleep deprivation alone is insane.

Your GP can also talk to you about options other than medication too. They can refer you to a psychologist at a reduced cost.

You can also try some mindfulness exercises which can help you deal with anxious thoughts in a different way. I like the Smiling Mind app. This app also helped me out a lot after my baby was born.

kind thoughts, Jess