Vent and then let it go...

[Guest_1055]

Not sure about anyone else but sometimes I just need to vent, including venting any frustrations, fears, hopes, worries, longings and anything else. Most of the time I don't want any advice or any responses. Just need a way to get it all out from within me.

So thought this thread could be for those sort of things. No one replys to you with words or anything. It's a place to let it all go. Just dump whatever it is you want to say and leave it here.

So yeah no replys please.

[mmMekitty]

You're very welcome, Guest. I know it can be hard to think of what to do to help ourselves at these times. We tend to forget what we can do or think nothing will work so why bother trying. Is that how you feel?

Even doing routine things take the focus off how I'm otherwise thinking & feeling, even for a few minutes at a time. One day, I realised, I'd climbed up & out further than I had thought possible. I was surprised to realise I wasn't beneath the surface so much anymore.

I'd been alone there for so long, I hadn't realised how alone I was, like I'd forgotten. What happened was I had disregarded myself, as unimportant & insignificant, so no-one would care, & I didn't either. 

I imagine that's what you are going through. It's an awful place to be.

We're here because you are important, & we care &, no, you are not alone.

Big Hugzies

mmMekitty 

[Guest_1055]

Just need to get this out I think. I don't expect any replies because. I am unable to know how to reply back, which is part of the overwhelming feelings the lack of knowing how to respond. Same in life away from here. Except for my sister. I am very thankful to God for her being in my life.

I have had enough, so weary of existing. So tired of trying and striving and I never make it. The loneliness is so bad. Even though I don't live alone. Or maybe it is alone.

I have been working at why this is.. I don't have the skills to emotionally connect to people. I feel many emotions though. Such a heaviness about them. Then other times, there is nothing, I just sit there in an empty stare. Not purposely going far away or tuning out, but finding myself there all the same.

I have done things to help myself. Walking, singing inside the car by myself as I drive along. Even just getting out and driving. 

I am just so weary of it all. The thought that I am wasting my life away by not truly living it plays in my mind. How does one fix yourself deep inside ones soul. That seems to be where I am broken. I cannot fix it. I thought about the so called band aid, then thought it can be like something protecting oneself whilst the healing takes place inside ones being. 

I hardly can emotionally connect to people at all. 

I am just sitting here in the living room. Typing on this phone. At times find myself staring upon nothing at all. 

I am indeed safe. As I would never intentionally hurt my sister or son. 

But this is just existing, I don't even feel alive. I am not taking care of what I eat. I know from personal experience this can be a downward spiral for me, as processed junk affects me negatively. I do know this. But don't seem to care at the moment.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Guest

Just wanted to say I can hear you, including the feelings of aloneness and isolation. I’ve been particularly withdrawn in the past 2 years, living on my own and feeling like my life is an endless cycle of daily survival tasks. Wake up and do it all again in a void disconnected from others.

 I’m wondering if what’s happening for you is similar to what’s happening to me, which is a kind of frozen stuckness. I think quite literally the nervous system, the mind-body complex, becomes immobilised through stress, overwhelm, exhaustion etc from past efforts in life and it just says I need to stop now, stare into space etc. Included in that is a difficulty connecting with people which can just feel too hard.

 I think it’s possible to come out of this but it’s a gradual process involving being kind and gentle with yourself. For me it’s involving tiny steps. I started doing voluntary work in an area I used to work in, no more than 1-3 hours a week. Even that was almost overwhelming at first, including interacting with people. But I think it’s possible to make very gradual efforts to reach out to the world at your own pace when you feel ready, with whatever feels right for you.

Sometimes these small things help to start feeling a bit better and less like we’re in an endless cycle of aloneness. Sometimes even just going to a cafe to have a coffee and read the paper or a book means we’re amongst people, without having to interact unless we want to, but feeling more part of the world. It’s like having company without any pressure to engage but we can if we meet a friendly person and we feel up to it.

What you say about protecting oneself while the healing takes place inside one’s being just makes so much sense to me. I think sometimes we’ve got to a point of temporary shutdown where this is how our soul heals itself, because we are so tired and weary and not able to keep striving.

 I think this is where letting go comes in. We actually cease striving and just be gentle with ourselves. Then slowly, almost imperceptibly, we are actually healing. We start to turn at a certain point and come out of the rut we’re in.

 I think human connection is important but can’t be rushed. It’s just finding the smallest of ways to start making connections when we feel able. You are doing that by posting your thoughts and feelings here.

[Guest_1055]

 I am hearing you too Eagle Ray .You are so sweet. I am not entirely sure if what I am experiencing is similar to you or not. But it does sound a bit like it doesn't it. I feel very stuck, well it is not even a feeling. You may be onto something there regarding the nervous system. There has been so much emotionally heavy stuff happening with my extended family. My 2 sisters. And my own marriage too. I just can't work it out anymore. I do like the idea of letting go very much. Perhaps I am just holding on to tightly. I don't know. And then there is the over thinking on such a deep level that scrambles my head that has been happening. 

Yeah the aloneness feeling is not a nice one. It feels like it tears at my heart or even a deep ache. I know us humans were created for connection. 

Shell 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Shell

What you say about being stuck not being a feeling makes sense to me. It’s kind of like a non-feeling, blank space or disconnect. I’m guessing this may be what you’re describing?

I have certainly held on too tightly, especially when I’m trying to solve something in my head. I’m gradually finding that when I do let go, things that I was struggling to solve no longer feel so burdensome and ways of dealing with them start to emerge that aren’t nearly as difficult as things seemed while I was still grasping for a solution.

But the letting go is a kind of organic thing which seems to happen kind of spontaneously when it’s ready. I was lying on my bed recently when issues relating to a family situation that had been bothering me for about 2 years just up and left my body. I literally felt all the tightness I’d been carrying just release.

Since then I’ve re-attached to some of it, then I’ve experienced more letting go, more attaching etc. It’s like a pendulating effect where there’s a kind of rebound then release again, which I think is how the body gradually learns to let go of stuff. It’s like a process that will eventually bring us back into balance if we let it play out, instead of trying to control outcomes and situations by intensely thinking about them.

I’m not sure if that makes sense? I think there’s actually healing work going on at times even when it doesn’t seem like it.

The aloneness tearing at the heart is something I can so relate to. I agree we are made for connection and it’s the most painful thing to feel apart from that connection. Small steps towards connection seems to be the answer. For some of us it’s hard to trust based on past experience. But I think the potential is always there and that letting go of struggle while being gentle with ourselves is the beginning of reconnection. I’m still figuring these things out. But I find gentle, gradual reconnection with the right people opens the heart and nurtures the soul.

[Guest_1055]

Sitting on the floor in this bedroom, on holiday. Tears. I don't want to be here. I can't do this life anymore. I am safe. But can't do it. I feel so very sad, so much grief is here. Just feel like curling up in a tight ball. I want out. The touch on my shoulder....I just didn't want it. My body feel like rebelling against it. He feels like a stranger yet not. No connection at all. A wall of sorts is there. It hurts so bad. The one person on this whole earth who I want to feel some kind of connection to the most , well it's not there. I wish I could explain in, but I can't. 

So many tears are in me, I can feel them me. Great sobs of them. 

Resting sometimes leaning against the bed.  When my heart is overwhelmed led me to the rock that is higher then I. I cry out to you my God, please hear my cry. Nowhere to go

[Guest_1055]

Rock back and forth. Typing here. My alone place

[Sophie_M]

Hi Guest_1055,  Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. It’s a really good place to have come to hear from others who understand what you’re going through. We can hear how difficult it has been lately, we’re so sorry that’s been going on.  It sounds like it would be a great time to update the GP on how you’re going, especially since you’ve been having thoughts about suicide.   We’d also really recommend calling the Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. The counsellors there are super kind and supportive, they’re understanding and can be good to talk to right in the midst of these feelings, or at any moment so that you can work out your next steps in getting more support together with them on the phone. You can also reach them via webchat 24/7.  If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).   It also sounds like the Beyond Now suicide safety planning app may be a helpful resource to you. You can read about how it works and where to download it here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning . You can even call Lifeline (131114) and compete it together with one of their counsellors over the phone  We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.   Kind regards,  Sophie M 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Shell

I really feel for you right now and want you to know there are people here for you and you are not alone.

I have been in the place you describe, crying out for help and feeling so alone, so I know it feels absolutely awful. But as terrible as it feels, things can and do ease with time. I actually had a really bad spell myself this morning, feeling very alone and crying desperately, so I feel your pain and wish I could remove it for you.

Curling up in a ball is a really natural response to how you feel right now. It’s like a form of self-protection. It’s ok to just rest as much as you need. Sometimes just allowing yourself to breathe, knowing you have support if you need it, can help. Sometimes resting your hand on your heart as you breathe gently can help, just calming how you feel.

There can be a stormy time of tumultuous emotions just before we find some balance again. You are just in a really difficult moment right now. The storm will pass.

Sending you much love and support.

[mmMekitty]

Guest, if you want, I would hold you, rock with you, help you to keep breathing while you cry. I'm sorry you feel so alone & feeling that lack of connection, even when with someone you want to be with.

I can only be here as a distant voice, saying, these storms pass. He can be there in the ways I cannot. Try to let him support you. The connection might not be there immediately, but maybe, if you let him touch your shoulder, that feeling might be something to hold onto, to focus on. Maybe after a little while, when you feel the warmth & gentleness of his touch, you will feel something like a connection begin to form again. Maybe, huh, if you give it a chance? 

mmMekitty