Trying to make better changes in my life but surrounded by judgement still need some guidance

[JMarch15]

my current issue was longer but wouldn’t all fit… for my first BB post.

Ive got to the point where I needed to make changes in my life I’m cigarette free for over a year cut back completely on drinking  and had developed a drug habit so have cut that off aswell but mostly after being on anti depressants since I was 18 and I’m almost 34 they wearnt helping me they were just numbing me to my problems and made me more lazy. Have spent the last 6-8 weeks correctly coming off them as my GP would do whenever I had to change anti depressants every couple of years because I thought they had stopped working so we would try a different brand, trial and error with all anti d’s.

And my plan I’ve put together is to go back to a psychologist and rather than continuing to take anti depressants work threw my problems and demons Asap.

My main problem now is that I’m stuck in this hole where all I feel is that I’m being judged by the people around me, feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells around my father mainly because once my parents found out about my blood disorder Haemophilia they shelved me as not likely to accomplish anything but we also do have no communication skills between us, and as for the friends I see often I feel like they sit back and judge me for still being on painkillers despite doing my best to cut back and stay off all the other addictive things alcohol, ciggys, drugs etc alcohol being my Achilles heel I guess I’m just looking for advice as to why I keep feeling there’s no one supporting me and only judging me I’m doing my best one day at a time to create a more positive outlook on life but being stuck in a small isolated community and getting nothing but negative comments form those around me has got me to this point of really struggling mentally and psychologically that I get angry at myself and start doubting what I’m doing to try better my life there’s just no positive reinforcement not even from my father the one person I thought knowing what I’m trying to do to better my life would be full of positives to help keep me going but nothing still the same negatively. As soon as my GP returns from leave at the end of the month I’ll be getting a mental health plan and psychologist as I just feel so alone, worthless and useless at the moment and need good guidance and also thought I’d give this a go.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

What an amazing story of success and I can only hope you continue reforming. Many readers here will be in envy at your progress.

Imagine you went to space as an astronaut, came down and held a party of say 100 people. Then you tried to explain how it was. How many would "get it"?  Likely zero because you cant place them in that unusual environment. Similar to your struggles, people even your loving dad wont "get it" and its a fact thats why we have this forum where "birds of a feather flock together", where there is no disappointment because we here are lived experienced mental health advisors. We know the struggle, we know many of the answers and if we dont we point you in the right direction. Whats more unlike professional services we are open to post 24/7/365 but we are not a replacement for such assistance.

It sounds like your parents are sensitive towards medical issues and thats them, it seems somewhat sad but you are best to accept them for their beliefs, same as religion, its their choice, please try to not confuse lack of support for love, you need all the love you can get but you can only get support from eager friends or family, having expectations of support will only dampen your spirit. So essentially bathe in their love they give you and seek your support needs with professional medical staff and forums like this one.  You sound like you rely on others opinions greatly and this is the core of your disappointment. Having challenges like yours of mental disorders we crave support, a hand on the shoulder by someone saying "you're doing ok" is nice, but if you dont get it and complain to them they will only give it in a fake manner to please you. They still love you though.

I must say in the 11 years are on your way and nothing, no one can stop you going further. When you are ready branch out to meet new friends and organisations for sports, hobbies and support (group therapy) to make your future more solid. I could say that in  a short time you could be a candidate for a leader in supporting other substance abusers and believe me, it is rewarding leading people to long term paradise.

Thankyou for posting, hope to see you more here and post anytime.

TonyWK

[BlueLily]

Hi JMarch15,

Welcome to the forum and it's great that you have shared your experience here.

When I see parents acting or treating kids unfairly I always think to myself, parents are human too and they are sometimes incapable of understanding their children or helping them the right way. 

To answer your question, "why I keep feeling there’s no one supporting me and only judging me", perhaps because everybody around you are not people with lived experience as white night mentioned. Unfortunately when it comes to mental health, unlike a wound on the surface, it's not easy for others to comprehend.

However, it's great that you are posting in this forum where you will receive support. Also great to hear that you are planning to visit a psychologist because they can provide you tailored guidance with what ever you are struggling with. 

Do not give up and good luck with your journey!