The sound of the rain doesn't last long enough

[lilly2016]

I love the smell and sound of the rain as it falls onto the trees outside, it makes me feel protected for a short time. I try and sleep as much as possible so I don't have to think, I dream a lot and sometimes I wish I was stuck in that dream for eternity without the harsh reality of waking up and accepting things how they are and facing my worst fears.Tthe rain creates a blanket of security for me as long as I'm inside. When the sun is shining it makes no difference in my world, i wish it did. Having no interest in anything is debilitating you have no real discussions no enthusiasm and you come across incredibly boring, which is in my case.Everyday tasks take an effort and my body is tired as as is my mind. I need more hours in the day so I can dwell on the things that are causing this crippling pain so I can somehow come to a solution.

[lilly2016]

Dear Croix,

I did go to the doctors and she said I was suffering from severe depression and anxiety, but I feel there is so much more, I've read so many inspirational posts and not just here, all over the web and although I enjoyed reading them and got something from them, it didn't help. I've prayed hard to god, my prayers just seem to bounce off the ceiling, what I need is a miracle. I'm not even sure he hears my prayers anyway, as I haven't even been baptised as such, I can't seem to pull myself out of this mess. I was hoping that I could. Things just seem to be escalating into a mammoth ball.

[lilly2016]

I fear everything now, starting to become a recluse. My mind is really really racing and it's exhausting. I cannot see a good outcome although I have tried too. I'm starting to feel really alone all the time with these fears. I cannot communicate properly with others, everything is too hard to talk about and my answers to questions are short, muffled and unclear. I would say I'm going down hill oppose to up hill, I have made no progress and something's eating me up inside, I suddenly feel alot of guilt, shame, intense feelings of helplessness. My future is unclear and I really need a crystal ball. I also now feel like a bad person, a boring person and a less than normal person. I can't lock myself up forever. I'm letting everything fall apart around me and I cannot stop it as the fear I feel is equivalent to facing death, even though i am not, it's just so irrational. I don't want to face anything, I can't. I wish I had better news for everyone, but I do not.

[Croix]

Dear Lilly~

Going to the doctor and being diagnosed is an excellent thing. To find you have specific illnesses, depression and anxiety, is good. That might sound a bit weird however it means with a known diagnosis specific treatments can be made that target those things. Not an instant fix, but a start down the right path. Your doing good!

I've often wondered about inspirational books, videos and all the rest. Frankly when I really need something they don't do a thing for me.

There are things that do, and they revolve around hope, others being like me and getting to a better state, not remote people but ones I can talk with, relate to and discuss with. As well I find practical tips good, like which app might be the most effective - things like that.

"Pulling yourself out" is not really that easy, I found I really needed outside medical support, I got worse without it.

You are not bad, or boring or any of those other negative things you have been thinking, it is the depression doing your thinking for you - subtly so you do not realize it. It is not you that is letting things fall apart, it is the limitations imposed on you by your illness, just as it has been mine at times.

You don't need to give us, or anyone else 'better news'. Just say how you are, good or bad, that is what we are here for, just as others were there for us in the past.

Hang in, it gets better -believe me.

Croix

[lilly2016]

Hi Croix, I just want to thank you for your support when I was so down and out, I was truly in a very dark place and just you replying to me and giving me advice really helped me out. Thank you.

[blondguy]

Hi Lilly2016

I understand you as anxiety/depression can be a awful place to be in Lilly. Its been nearly 35 years of these awful symptoms for me even though I am in recovery..

How are you Lilly? Its a hard road when our brain is leading us astray and thus making our life more complicated than necessary. Great to read Croix's post above by the way..He is spot on

you are not alone in any way

Paul

[lilly2016]

Hi Blondguy,

Thankyou for your post, I'm actually doing a lot better now, I have been down a very long rocky road and I didn't even know if I would survive it. I'm still having panic attacks which is actually causing chest pain quite frequently, so if it doesn't ease up I might just have to go to the doctors regarding that. I quit my job due to depression anxiety/fear and had about two and a half months off or more, it helped me personally, probably didn't help anyone else though. I start my new job next week, so I'm back into the workforce, I do hope it all works out for me, I hope things work out for everyone, not just me.