The sound of the rain doesn't last long enough

[lilly2016]

I love the smell and sound of the rain as it falls onto the trees outside, it makes me feel protected for a short time. I try and sleep as much as possible so I don't have to think, I dream a lot and sometimes I wish I was stuck in that dream for eternity without the harsh reality of waking up and accepting things how they are and facing my worst fears.Tthe rain creates a blanket of security for me as long as I'm inside. When the sun is shining it makes no difference in my world, i wish it did. Having no interest in anything is debilitating you have no real discussions no enthusiasm and you come across incredibly boring, which is in my case.Everyday tasks take an effort and my body is tired as as is my mind. I need more hours in the day so I can dwell on the things that are causing this crippling pain so I can somehow come to a solution.

[lilly2016]

Hello, I previously sent a long reply and the whole thing disappeared! I was thanking you for your advice regarding writing a letter, well I sent a letter to my boss and explained my situation so whatever happens, happens, at least I've had the chance to express myself because face to face, I'm no talker, I usually get all chocked up,Then I was writing about all the deaths in my family due to mental illnesses and how it's always in the family. Then it disappeared. Well I saw my GP he was okay, he prescribed me medication and referred me to a psychologist rather than a counselor, if it makes any difference. I have no idea of the future. I'm a nervous wreck. My brother said to me before he died, we come from a dysfunctional family we have problems just explain that to people, then not soon after he died and left me hanging with that. I miss him everyday, I miss all the family I've lost. I find that people with every day normal lives just don't understand. I can feel I'm going to crack it soon, I can't hold these feelings in any longer.

[SPOONO]

Hi lilly,

You sound like you're me! hehe. If you love the sound of rain, there is an app for iphones and ipads called Relax Melodies. It has recordings of rain, surf, storms, various relaxing music. I use it every night and wouldn't go to sleep without it and my sleep is 10pm to 6am. I personally have absolutely nothing to do with the company who make it and am not advertising 🙂

Cheers

John aka Spoono

[lilly2016]

Thankyou.

[lilly2016]

Hi Croix,

I sent that letter, I received a reply but it wasn't a very good reply but at least I was able to get my voice out there. I have come to the point and decision that it's probably best I leave and start afresh. I can probably get another job and at least it will be a fresh start, if not in the interim I can really work on myself to get better and try really hard this time, I am very sad about this decision and no doubt it will affect everything around me but I feel it's the right thing to do.I cannot go on like this and being told the things I've been told without any understanding makes me think well why do I want to work in that environment anyway. It could be worse some where else but at least it will be a fresh start.

[Croix]

Dear Lilly~

Yes the Internet eats my posts sometimes too, a right nuisance.

I read you saying really work on myself to get better and try really hard this time. Um, not something I could ever do by myself.

Anxiety, depression, all these things are illnesses, and need proper treatment, not just you trying by yourself. True if you see a psych and are given exercises, homework to do, then you should do them, but that phase 'trying really hard this time' is another way of blaming yourself for the past, and that is simply unjust.

Seeing your doctor was good, and the referral is good too. It can be an avenue to big changes in time.

Do you mind if I mention something? When circumstances get very stressful, as they are for you now, there is a temptation to rely upon alcohol again. Do you think it might be worth having a contingency plan so you do not undo all your effort in giving up? Our 24/7 Help line (1300 22 4636) should be able to tell you of support organizations and groups in your area.

I don't know the answer to this job or another, I do know when I look at myself I often have a very strong desire to leave and start again. Maybe that is wise. I dunno, as the person on the spot you are the best judge.

I like your relax-a-pup avatar

Croix

[lilly2016]

Hello, yes good advice, although I cannot stand the thought of alcohol right now, I'm very sick, it's like my body is broken down, but if I have any urges which I'm sure I will, I will seek help. I'm not getting too much support on the home front, I do get you've got to pick your self up and why do you do this to yourself, I don't reply, I cannot. It's hard and unfortunately for me it's going to get harder. I'm going around in circles at the moment. I wish I had a solution to these lifes problems.

[lilly2016]

Yes it's a very cute puppy, looks exhausted, or he or she could be chilling out. I'm pretty sure people don't know what to say to me anymore, I feel like I've exhausted all avenues.

[lilly2016]

Whoever said screaming into a pillow twenty times helps, was wrong, not only is my throat sore but all the muscles in my upper back behind my lungs hurt. I don't advise this.

[Croix]

Dear Lilly,

Whoever said screaming into a pillow twenty times helps, was wrong,I'll certainly bear that in mind. Perhaps a walk instead?

As for people not knowing what to say to you, I suspect you are not exactly right. Often it is not so much a question of giving advice and trying to 'fix' things, just a presence, and care.

Understanding is not everything. When I became really ill with PTSD, anxiety and depression my partner had no idea of what it was like inside my head. Without similar experience how could she? She could just see an angry, confused exhausted person who wished others would go away. Trial and error helped her learn what was needed, not deep understanding.

Her presence made the world of difference, I'll always be grateful.

Perhaps it is not so much finding solutions to all life's problems, I've found life has the tendency to keep providing new ones anyway. Maybe it is more riding with the blows, i.e. coping skills. When bad news or a horrible event happens, and it is not something you can sort out straight away, the mind wishes to dwell on it, and conjures up all sorts of terrible scenarios.

Steering the mind away is such a skill. Hard, but with practice one can have some success. That's why I reach for Smiling Mind, or exercise and so on.

Do you have to wait long to see your new psych?

Croix

[lilly2016]

Thanks again for your reply, thankyou also for the in depth responses and advice on treatment options, relaxation tactics and thanks for being understanding, I'm grateful. My mind is very complicated, a mess of thoughts and feelings, something is holding me back from my true potential, I just hope its not for very much longer. I realise I need professional help and I hope I can make progress, I also realise I need to be patient. Time will tell, I want to enjoy life, I want to be happy, I want people to be happy with me too.