The labyrinth of friendships

[white knight]

Many of us are withdrawn, we aren't as outgoing as those around us. We look around and say to ourselves "I have no friends".

If we need to work we prepare a resume, look for jobs, attend interviews and its not easy but we rise to the challenge or we simply won't get work.

Yet in finding friends we tend to think they just should be there automatically. That popularity among your own age group is a given. Why don't we accept that finding friends also needs effort and planning?, like looking for work or building a shed?

For example. If you weren't the sporting type but to enable you to mix with a new group meant joining a table tennis or badminton team would you do it? If you weren't all that keen on gardening but to make friends you joined a basic florist course would you try?.

The point here is that for those that feel they are suppressed in mood or other issues that reduce their outgoing ability, it will take effort to counter this.

Put it this way, enduring cycles of depression or even negativity, loss of confidence will take some effort to seek out new friends.

We don't need swarms of new friends. We really only need one or two. My wife met her best friend at a ceramic class and one at a sewing group. I met mine at a car club one at volleyball and another at a relaxation class.

You also might need to wait until your mood is on the up cycle to find the mental energy to try such activities. Don't be too hard on yourself but do challenge yourself when you feel good.

Just like looking for employment, finding friends needs some determination, planning and selling yourself. Sometimes moving on from friends that don't add value to your life.

New friends won't come knocking on your door.

Finding a new friend is entering a labyrinth. Meeting and considering if this one or that one will be compatible. Until one falls into place where the care is mutual and wonderful. Then you'll be so glad you tried.

Tony WK

[Doolhof]

Hi Kiag34,

Thank you so very much for sharing your story with us. I'd just like to point out that this thread has not been used for quite some time. The original author of the thread is also no longer with this forum, so I am not sure how many responses you will receive here.

Are you comfortable starting up a thread of your own, that way you will receive more comments.

I'm so very sorry you are feeling the way you do. Friendships and relationships are important. It can be very hurtful when we feel like we are not included or accepted for some reason.

Recently I have felt a little invisible in a group I am involved in. Last week, 4 people of that group were not present, so I sent each person a text or email to let them know I missed seeing them that day.

These people wrote back saying they appreciated that I did that for them!

I decided that if I felt awful because people didn't reach out to me, than other people may feel similar if people don't reach out to them!

I have decided to keep these people on my radar. Nothing may come out of it. We may not form close friendships, I will feel more able to chat to them when I see them next.

Is it possible for you to reach out to someone and ask them if they would like to join you for a movie, a coffee or what ever.

If the answer is no, that is okay too. We don't all get along well with each other, or that day and time might not suit.

Hopefully you will gain a few replies here, if not then maybe try a thread of your own as I suggested if you are comfortable doing so.

Cheers to you from Dools

[RainbowSunshine]

Hey Kiag34,

First of all, what you're talking about is a similar problem that I still have to try to overcome at times, and it takes guts and courage to share your experiences with us so thankyou! It sounds like you're having trouble transitioning from acquaintances to friends, and that's completely normal, we have periods where we feel lonely in life (although I know it's extremely painful). What you have to do is trust yourself, which takes years and years of refining but it will serve you so well. I've only very recently made an effort to trust myself after years of doubting myself 24/7 and it's changed my life already. When you don't feel like sending that text message because you're scared that you might say the wrong thing, try to encourage yourself to trust that whatever response you've formulated is valid and okay (as long as it's not hurting others). It's difficult, it really is, and it takes a while to make it a habit, but I believe in you 🙂

And also, it sounds like you have a bit of a low image of yourself from that pillowcase story. I'm sure many people would fill up your pillowcase with lots of compliments and positive things, you seem like a wonderful person! This is such a hard thing to deal with, socialising and social lives in general are difficult, but you've got this and you will find the people who you click with! Oh, another thing, to deal with that negative self-talk, anxiety and not feeling present, I highly encourage you to get into mindfulness exercises. They are plentiful on the internet, I personally love calm.com (they do multiple free mindfulness sessions but it gets to a point where you have to pay).