Talking to your inner critic, can it be tamed?

[quirkywords]

Do you have an inner critic ? Have you ever tried to talk to your inner critic. This is what happened when I tried. In my Be yourself thread people asked about how I interviewed my inner critic. So here it is.

This is adapted from a writing exercise to interview your inner critic about one's writing. As my inner critic has an opinion all aspects of my life I decided to broaden the scope of the interview.

Me: I welcome (well I don't really) this opportunity to find out why you always need to have an opinion that is always negative about me and my life.

IC: I thought this was going to be a friendly interchange of ideas but there you go with your anger and hostile remarks. I do not see myself as negative but as helping you, because you do need help.

I am here to help you why can't you see that?

Me: So when I am trying to sleep and you tell me about all my mistakes, embarrassing moments, how does that help me?

IC: I thought while you are in bed you would have time to consider some of your past behaviours. This I feel will only help you to improve.

Me: If you are so helpful why do I feel so worthless, so sad, so ignorant when you are around? Do you really know how low I can feel when you are constantly telling me all my faults?

IC: You make yourself feel that way- I am merely pointing out the truth. It is not my problem that you are so weak.

Me: Maybe this was a bad idea you are never going to listen to me or understand me.

IC: Have you ever thought that maybe you shouldn't listen to me if I upset you so much.

Me How can I ignore you when you are so loud at times.

IC: See this is what I mean you are so weak. You have the power to ignore me, to silence me but all you do is whinge and complain.

Me: I am ending this interview. Enough is enough.

What would you say to your inner critic and what do you want to hear from your inner critic? Maybe you can have a go at interviewing your inner critic.

Quirky

[mmMekitty]

Hello Quirky, Ems, ER & everyone.

What a constructive conversation you are having here! 😺

when I have been pestered with messages (on my iPhone) from people I didn't want messaging me, I have written down the phone number then made that into a New Contact on my iPhone, giving it a fictitious name, then immediately blocking that caller, which means I wont't receive calls, messages or Face Time calls from that contact. Of-course, scammers & fraudsters will try contacting people from different numbers, so we can't keep up & will eventually take a call from them - in which case, hang up  (hopefully), without saying anything. & of-course, block that number, too. ... The upside, & maybe the only one, is that individuals that harass you are less likely to call or text from several phones (or even computers, theses days), & this is one situation where giving them nothing but silence, no response they are aware of, at least, gives them a chance to get bored & move on. Yes, sadly, onto pestering someone else... unfortunately, unless what they are doing is severe enough for police to get involved, charges to be laid, courts to get involved, sanctions brought against anyone found guilty... all very stressful, before any resolution ... you know, & they know, tthere is very little you can do.

My parents only said to ignore the bully & they would stop. At school they didn't, but people trying to contact me via the phone don't get anywhere so they either stop or keep trying & continually feel frustrated in their efforts. That's up to them.

My inner critic tells reminds me how annoying it is, how inconvenient it is to block them each time, especially the messaging only people.

I talk over my inner critic. I'm making decisions, taking actions, feeling more in control as a result. I really DO NOT have to put up with that crap. I don't even have to be nice about it, nor apologise for not wanting them contacting me, or in my life. That's it: Done.

Your response can be made into a pre-decision, so when vulnerable, you don't have to think about what to do - you already know because you have decided 'what if this, then this', before it happens.

Hugzies to you all

mmMekitty

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Dear Quirky, MK and Ems,

Quirky, I’m glad you’re not dealing with that behaviour all the time and that you get support here at the BB forum.

MK, I think the pre-decision is a very good idea. It’s an action plan ready to go. I’m getting more and more that way when it comes to putting boundaries in place. It’s becoming automated and the inner critic is not getting in the way making me doubt myself. It makes life so much easier.

Ems, I hope you are going ok and that the coming year is a peaceful and healing one for you.

Big hugs to Everyone 🤗

[Emotions26]

Hello ER

A quick response.

The large part of my unexpected trip for a funeral was very distressing and unpleasant.

I am at most, thankful that I attended the service. I was reminded of my mum's last year. Sitting in the front row with the coffin very close.

The immediate response of shock subsided without my being aware. I believe that I was; spiritually connecting with the person being honoured as well as my mum again.  Surreal.

The entailing course of events consisted of too many overbearing personalities. Over 70 people came back to the wake. I could not cope with that number of people within one household. All honouring him I know. Just too much for me. I had had no sleep for two nights and long hours driving. There was a breakfast out the next morning with immediate family. Back to the house where widow's behaviour with loud music as well as shocking language at one stage. I actually think that she was trying to push my buttons. She was very angry, understandably; became even more controlling than normal; again grieving.

She decided Miss Empathy here was her whipping board.

I ignored this initially acknowledging her grief. She has been like this with me for some time now. Again this I allowed due to her circumstances. 

However, my inner voice (perhaps the kind one) announced quietly Enough.

Leading me to say my goodbye amidst stunned faces.

I have since been told by judgemental others that they will never speak to me. This is not unusual for this extended family of mine at all. They collude together like a herd of sheep. I left sooner than planned, returning home in shock.

My extended family has decreased in size yet again.  This is actually a relief.

No matter how much pain and grief a person experiences or for how long; 

there is no justification, to project those feelings, that they cannot tolerate, in an unacceptable manner towards another.

Every single human being has the right to be respected.

I know that you will understand the relevance of my words ER and Quirky.

A person needs to have experienced the horror of a narcissist or worse to come close in any understanding.

Words cannot describe the venom and the pain inflicted.

Please understand also that I have every respect for the grief with the loss of their loved one regardless.

A separate matter entirely.  I paid my respects.

Then yesterday I received a text message inviting me to another funeral.  Another I have been waiting for.

It does not lessen the pain; even when knowing that they are in palliative care.

Sadly there is another in palliative care aside from the above.

I booked an appointment with a grief counsellor for next week.

I hope that none of the above upsets or causes any pain.  It is so hard to know whether to write or not.

Some will judge me and think that I am wrong. 

I only hope this will help ease the pain of another who has experienced such and or worse.

Ems

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Ems,

 I am glad that you experienced that feeling of spiritual connection at the funeral. It is indeed surreal and I’ve had such experiences myself. I feel, at least, that is something of an antidote to what followed for you with the behaviour of others. It is that spiritual connection that is real, lasting and meaningful over the behaviours of others that sound self-centred and unpleasant. My own mother’s funeral was like a horror story with regard to appalling, insensitive and injurious behaviour from an in-law and cousin. What you describe about the shocking language reminds me of sitting in the funeral car going to my mother’s funeral with the in-law swearing relentlessly about unrelated trivial matters that annoyed her. Then my cousin decided to get up and eulogise when not asked to, having a go at my Mum in front of everyone. It ripped my heart to pieces in that moment. But what I learned from it is the spirit of the connection with the loved one wins out. It is far more powerful than the superficial, egotistical behaviour that people can display. My mother did not always treat me well, but in death she was powerfully with me and especially in the weeks and months following. All her behaviour stemmed from trauma, and in that passing time there is a deep healing in the person and an unconditional empathy. That is far greater than any selfish behaviours that remain among the living.

But, nonetheless, I’m really sorry you had to deal with those behaviours. But it sounds like you trusted your inner wisdom and protected your boundaries which is absolutely the best thing to do. Them saying they will never speak to you speaks volumes about them. Your extended family getting smaller can actually be a good sign. I have chosen to distance myself from some in the last few years and completely cut ties with two of them. My health and wellbeing is better for it. So it is very much as you say - a relief. Similarly I now have a very small group of beautiful friends rather than a larger number of unhealthy friendships. I think stripping it down to the kind and good is an essential move for happiness.

It does not upset me what you write because I can somewhat relate to the behaviours of people you describe and beginning to set those boundaries. These experiences can be horrible but sometimes they are the very catalyst for meaningful change in our lives and in ourselves that is in our own best interests and leads to a happier, more fulfilling future.

You are dealing with a great deal of loss and grief so I am glad you are seeing the grief counsellor. It’s important to reach out for support wherever you can find it. Please take good care of yourself and know you have support here, to express how you feel and connect whenever you need to.

Sending much care and support,

ER

[Emotions26]

Hello Er and Quirky

I am so sorry that I forgot to reply to you. I read your response and was moved by your kind words. I have been a bit of a mess and only just found this again now. 
I am not thinking clearly enough to say what I want to say to you. I just needed to let you know that your reply is so supportive and I will be back.  I do hope that you are feeling some relief. 
Take care

Ems

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Ems (and Quirky too!),

I totally understand the feeling of not being able to think clearly enough to say what you want to say. Please don't worry about when and if you respond. Do whatever you need to do right now that is right for you.

I used to go to a free meditation and talk held at a Buddhist monastery on Friday evenings. The head monk there had an analogy he liked to share. I can't remember his exact wording, but it was something like life is like growing a garden of beautiful vegetables, flowers etc. You need manure so the garden grows out of s#$t. So basically the messes and difficult experiences we have are actually what good stuff ultimately grows out of. So sometimes feeling you are in a mess precedes some new, meaningful growth out of which something good comes. It probably sounds a bit corny but I think there is some truth to it.

I have done very well on new hormonal treatments for major hormonal dysregulation. I had to cycle off one of the hormones as part of it then got worse again. But convinced my GP today to try a continuous rather than cyclical regime which I will start tonight. I know I will feel better again from tomorrow. When I'm feeling better things like grief and trauma issues feel easier to deal with (not necessarily easy but easier and a lot less overwhelming). I realise I've been struggling with hormonal dysregulation for a long time, which has also been a major feeder/booster of my inner critic. It's amazing how quiet my inner critic became as my hormones regulated as I think they filter out a lot of fear and doubt. I just thought I'd mention that for anyone who may have hormonal dysregulation as part of their mental health struggle.

Take good care of yourself Ems, and you too Quirky! You are both such thoughtful, kind, empathic souls and the world needs more people like you both. You are precious beings and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

Hugs,

ER

[Emotions26]

Hello Er and thank you

Lovely, kind words of support.

I hope that you say the same words to yourself.

I sense your sincerity.

I will write later.

I have a therapy session to organise myself for. First one back since before Christmas.

He will need a therapy session himself after mine!!

Take care

Ems

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you kindly Ems,

I hope the therapy session goes well, or has gone well if it's happened already.

Take care,

ER

[Moonstruck]

Dear quirky....have been looking for your main thread....this is the only one I can find you on...Is there another one I should use if I don't want to necessarily talk about "inner critic"...thanks..Moon S

[quirkywords]

Moon 

 great to see you. You are welcome to write anything here. 

i suppose my first thread is my main thread

be yourself but who am I.?