Supermarket shelves

[white knight]

We as humans have control over many things. And we have no control over other things. I can vividly recall words yelled at me as a child "Tony....have some patience". These words were justified in one sense..I'd woken up at 3am on Christmas day and opened up all my presents and in the process woken up everyone else.

My problem was, I didnt know how to find patience and for many years I was tormented by this. How do I find it? Do I develop it? Do I study for it? What I didnt know as a child and in early adulthood that anxiety had a lot to account for my lack of being able to wait. So anxious, Christmas morning early wake up was uncontrollable. No words aimed at my behaviour would have made any difference...medical intervention was the only way.Fast forward my later adult life and now I realise, being an anxious person I was going to hit a brick wall eventually be it marriage breakdown, work related conflict or other crisis.Those traumatic events were triggers that exploded my illness I didnt know I had

What does this mean? We read almost daily someone we have compassion about,write about a situation they have found themselves in, say a work situation. This happened, then this, then that, leading to that happening. Often a situation of injustice in the mind of the confused who is the victim. So why did this person get involved in this particular situation of trauma and not someone else? I'm suggesting that in some situations of hype or disagreement, those with a mental illness might find themselves falling into such a conflict easier. Why? A lot of reasons depending on the individual. But those with a mental illness can have traits like sensitivity leading to over reaction, withholding anger due to abuse, less wise due to poor mental growth or enduring depression due to pride etc etc.

Things like patience, tolerance, wit, etc do not arrive naturally in some of us and we will not develop these important qualities by just being told to get them. They are not purchasable on supermarket shelves. But some are obtainable. They can be developed by means of therapy, learning and maturity through aging. Aging gives up wisdom through experience, tolerance through acceptance learned from years of human gatherings. Wit is one that would be harder to achieve.

So, if you find yourself in crisis after crisis, you think your life is full of bad luck and incidences. You might have an underlying illness. You are unlikely to find stability unless you get professional help.

Tony WK

[Doolhof]

Hi White Knight,

Thanks for your interesting post. There is a lot there to ponder and consider.

From Lauren

[Jacko777]

Good on you Tony WK, thanks for sharing this.

From the pain and suffering you have experienced comes the White Knight, the care and support you give to others on this site is phenomenal.

Jacko

[White_Rose]

Hey Tony

Were you writing about me?  How did you develop ESP? I must be one of the most impatient people around and I want things to happen at least today, if not yesterday.  Tomorrow is far too late.  As my psych says, patience is not one of my virtues.

Yes I get caught up in situations by rushing in for whatever reason instead of standing back and looking at the options first. Now I should have reached the maturity stage in the patience journey, but alas I still frequently fail. Getting better though.

One of the characteristics you mention is wit. By this do you mean humour or wisdom? Despite my lack of patience, or perhaps because of it, I believe I have learned some wisdom and this has led to more tolerance. Age generally lends itself to mellowing, or maybe we learn to fight the battles we can win instead of trying for 100%.

Great post.  I hope others will respond.

Mary

[white knight]

Hi all,

Thankyou Jacko777, that was really nice to say....tears me up a bit.

White Rose, yes I was refering to wit with wisdom.  you know, when someone take a quick shot at you and you cant find a reply quickly to defend yourself. I had a partner once that was oh so quick to reverse the situation to shock the bully for example. They wanted to crawl away after dealing with her.

Wit has eluded me. We can survive well without it, but with it, it makes things more tolerable as you do less dwelling because you got it off your chest quickly and if you dont then the aggressor thinks they can do it again.

Its a ruthless world out there.

Tony WK

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

You don't have to be witty to get things off your chest and stand up for yourself.  The meaning of the thing you wish to express, in itself, is probably good enough to be worth saying.

Interactions shouldn't be "fights".  They should be exchanges of ideas in order to arrive at some new understandings.  When done correctly, there isn't one "winner", but two.  One should avoid becoming defensive when being argued at; being shown that you are wrong about something is a good thing - you should thank the person who has shown you this.  You are now wiser.

[white knight]

Hi OB,

Totally agree with that as an ideal and something to aim at. As my siblings have similar issues like depression, anxiety and my late brother no doubt in my mind had bipolar 2 like me. Hence the whole family had mood issues.

Being told something to any one of us would always be taken negatively. Isnt that sad in itself.

So in terms of "wit" I'm always using that word (for my low level wit) as to my slow and focussed attack for my defense purposes only during times of nasty comments. Over the years, with experience I've had less need for such reaction due to considering what the person has said and thinking about it quickly. If honest I reply accordingly even if it appears nasty. Then I'll ask them why they are being so nasty about the issue. Often their response is "I wasnt being nasty". Such is my sensitivity.

So, you are certainly right. An exchange of ideas and a fluid conversation is sort after.A good goal.  Thanks OB

Tony WK

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Even when you're being attacked, you don't have to respond with an attack of your own in order to defend yourself.  Defence can just be defence.  Like if someone says "Your oral hygeine is below par!", you can react offensively ("Oh yeah, well your nose is leaky!"), you can react defensively ("No it isn't!"), you can informedly defend yourself ("No it isn't, and here is why.  I have taken a global survey of mouth health and third party opinions of mouth health, and published my findings in Oral Health Journal, March 2004."), or you can take in what's said and contemplate it ("Hmm.  I had not considered that; and *sniff* my breath smells fine to me; but I will ask for other opinions on the matter, further investigate whether or not it is actually a bad thing to have bad oral hygiene, and whether it is something that's feasible to change at this life juncture, or rather should be left on the 'to do' list.".

I think the simple "No it isn't!" case achieves the same level of self-defense as the "Your nose is leaky!", but does less damage to the conversation and relationship.

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Actually, there's even another stage between "Oh yeah, well your nose is leaky!" and "No it isn't!".  That of "Oh yeah, well your nose is leaky! ...   Oh.  I'm sorry I said that.  That was out of line.".  That can be particularly hard to do -  to admit you've done wrong in the heat of the moment, if you can even notice it.  Anyway, one gets better at these things with practice, as it seems you have.

[white knight]

Hi all

I thought I'd respect my thread here to talk about patience.

In my first post of thus thread I mentioned that you can't buy patience on supermarket shelves.

So where do you get it?

Im pleased to declare that in the past 12 months I've definitely "grown" patience...how?

Medication, about 18 months ago I fine tuned my meds for bipolar2, depression and dysthymia. Mood stabilisers were the ones out of quantity. Getting them in the "sweet spot" made an enormous difference.

Stress reduction. I'd retired 3.5 years ago. It took 2 years to deprogram myself after 42 years of shift work.

Dividing responsibilities. For me there was a need to eliminate myself from the household finances. My wife and I sat down and revamped things. Some bill were placed on direct debit. We started a savings plan.

Holidays. We toured Australia for 13 weeks. We had issues with our travelling friends but we thrived after that and it was hugely beneficial in terms of life with fulfillment.

So there are indirect reasons I've become calmer and happier. When I'm more content I'm more patient.

What do you think? Have you ideas on how to get patience?

Tony WK