Stressed

[Sammy]

I felt very unloved , alone and unspecial 

I got divorced from bipolar spouse 10 years ago. We are calm and supportive of each other in terms of being cordial and caring.

I had 2 girls who are in 20s now and moved to another country as ex refused treatment and was using more alcohol to medicate and was verbally abusive and was accusing me of sleeping with other men etc but I was putting it down to his love for me etc and left when he became physically abusive.

I am now 50 dating a man who is 58. We are ok but kind and respectful and it’s going ok

recently in a funeral met my ex. We went out for breakfast. He has now married his childhood sweetheart. I was married for nearly 20 years.

he said that he wanted to leave me as I was working too much and that’s why he went crazy etc . His new wife is living with him for a year. I feel like 10 years of loneliness has made him come to terms with his illness and maybe he accepts it now and takes treatment and doesn’t drink or he is still denial of his illness and his new wife will take time to find his irrationality. We tried getting help but he declined any treatments saying he is fine and on alcohol overuse he will play up.

now I feel guilty and failure if I have done something wrong? Have I been a bad partner , or is the new wife love turned him better …. I had enough of him by 20 years as slowly he got worse and was in total denial.

Am I incapable of love and care ?

I can be a bit like self care, me first but I am always easy going and chilled person. A girlfriend who was with him for 18 months was a psychologist and she left him saying he was alcoholic and workaholic.

I felt he was having mood swings and won’t do anything in the relationship but at the same time he used to be flat mostly but I didn’t mind that as he was helpful. Slowly when he started becoming paranoid and abusive after alcohol it was too much to cope.

how is this new wife coping ? She is widowed and had difficult life and hence maybe she will stroke his ego soo much that he might be better ? Or bipolar relationships untreated is always difficult to handle for anyone ? 
I also have to work on my own flaws like money focused , more self focused but at the same time cares for partner and a friendly partner too.

Not sure if I am selfish/ self centred 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

I hope I can help. I'm bipolar 2, I'm 69yo diagnosed and  medicated since 2009 prior to which I had a roller coaster life with moods and relationships. 

Often people with bipolar attract patient empathetic partners that are suitable for their unstable condition. While that's ideal, even medicated bipolars are hard to live with. Uneducated bipolars are very lucky to have partners at all such is the intensity of their mood swings from depression to mania. Medication only allows us to become more stable but we remain on the boundaries of society in terms of function. We never blend in! Our moods are less not erased.

Alcohol merely places a mask on our mental illness and numbs us to suppress the issues. It is certainly not an answer to the illness and often causes new issues. 

Guilt can be created by the carer especially if they are empathetic, kind as you are. Such people reflect often on ways they could have done things better yet, they are not professional medical people. Your expectations of yourself is far beyond reasonable imo and this is why, after talking to your ex, he has unintentionally planted the guild seed. "...working too much that's why he went crazy". In reality he chose not to medicate and chose alcohol so its the blame game and that's not fair on you nor realistic. It reminds me of my ex "your depression was ok but your mania drove me to drink more and become a bad step mother". 

This is a form of guilt distribution often used to elevate themselves or deny fault at the cost of their partners wellbeing. 

So in answer to your question- you were a good spouse, a caring person that regardless of your high level of empathy, as he was unmedicated, no amount of kindness could  ever be enough.

You are a beautiful person to have tolerated and unmedicated bipolar for so long.

"Those that need to reach for the alcohol on the top shelf often stand on the shoulders of their partners..when youre no longer there they claim its your fault yet medication is reachable always." (TonyWK)

Finally, meeting with him is not in your best interests. Charity begins at home. 

Google- beyondblue guilt the tormentor 

I hope that helps.

TonyWK 

[Sammy]

Thanks a lot Tony

i cried a lot reading your message as finally someone acknowledged my pain and said caring . Don’t have data or wifi so will text when I have it Thanks a lot

[Sammy]

We meet very short only in death ceremonies or very important times as have 2 daughters together. That upset sadness lasts mainly a day or 2 . But unable to avoid him as we are friendly otherwise and it’s like saying hi to an old friend. Hoping that pain maybe won’t damage me if I am aware of it 

[white knight]

Relax, reply when you feel ready, I'm here daily so when I log on I'll see you reply and respond. We can discuss in more detail whatever bothers you .

TonyWK 

[Sammy]

Thanks Tony for your lovely long message.

soo sorry to hear you struggled with it . Hope you’re feeling better and things are going smoothly for you. Yes I went through hell without realising what’s the matter and on top of it guilt and not good enough. Ex used to blame his drinking and his erratic behaviour on be being bossy and tough etc to make him feel better about his alcohol.

I am now living away and feeling like calm away from storm. Because we have kids together, occasionally we have to meet when major events happen. Those times I become soo depressed and then when I look back it’s the past haunting me. Soo glad to be here and looking forward to future. Future scares me …. As you can only do soo much and luck also plays a part.

I must say that your message consoled me and brought out calmness and felt happy. You are soo good at putting things in perspective and god bless you for soothing me yesterday.

thanks again 

[white knight]

You're welcome, it's what I do.

There's more to unpack here Sammy. See my 1st wife (not the alcoholic) was nasty and lazy. After 3 months separation I missed my 2 daughters so much I considered going back. A wise old friend said "never go backwards". Well she met a nice man that was a good step father. They married. 2 years later while dropping off my kids he approached me and asked my advice. I said "you don't have to tell me, she is lazy, you can't get her out of bed to go to work, she doesn't do chores or cook, she'll never discuss problems, she just watches TV." He said you're right, how do you know?. "I divorced her remember". 

So leopards don't change their spots. You deserved better.

The dreaming of the past can't be stopped but time helps. I'm amazed you both can still chat (great) also, but moving on more is your salvation and your greener grass is ahead of you in how you sow it and cultivate it. Many return only to face the exact same issues with deep regret. Meeting up with him is good but not long enough to feel the swings and roundabouts by living with him. So keep it brief.

A good example- 3 weeks ago i ran out of anti depressants

 My wife collected them but I forgot to put them in my daily dispenser. 4 days later I was a mess and we couldn't figure out why. Then we did. I'm lucky I have insight, those that refuse meds don't have the ability to see how their unmedicated brain works. It's always someone else's fault, "nothing wrong with me" attitude. Indeed stubbornness can be so bad they'll stop visits to a psychiatrist and declare "the Dr needs help"

We reflect on our past actions and wonder could have we done it better? The real fact is, you would have done exactly the same actions and reactions. But when they point and criticise it's a form of release of responsibility for them. This works really well against empathetic low self esteem souls like you and me, that allow others to convince us we're guilty. 

"The heart of a good person is easiest to manipulate. It's cooked slowly until all fault is taken on board releasing the dominant to live problem free". "They might as well say its all your fault but when they don't admit any fault of themselves you know they want release from their own mistakes"

In summary "it's all your fault" in their eyes.

You are not your ex's therapist nor his wife, you are free, you tried hard so value your pride, dignity and every breath to run into every sunset laughing uncontrollably.

https://youtu.be/BhrtbBrMQ1Y?si=iF3TebVYm0gfocnj

TonyWK 

[Sammy]

I agree with you Tony. Wise words 

yes will try to stay away and protect my heart as much as possible