Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

It is good to hear you are feeling a bit better.  Yes I think after having such an intense negative response to the EMDR you are wise to not do it again.  

Lass now I see I didn't word things right in my last post & I am truly sorry about that.  From your reply I can see that you read it as me not taking your current state seriously & I want you to know that I truly do realise how hard things are for now.  I often find hunting online for things a good way to get out of my head & a way to help refocus my thoughts even if only for the time that I'm doing it.  With that in mind & knowing how much you enjoy interacting with little folk, I thought if I mentioned that I was up for suggestions for a gift, you might find it something that would give you a break, however brief, from all the distressful emotions & thoughts you are currently experiencing.  I want to say again how sorry I am for my mistake in how I wrote & that it caused you hurt.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

I did not think at all that you were not taking me seriously, nor did you cause me any hurt whatsoever. I was just expressing that my brain wasn’t working very well in relation to having any gift suggestions at the moment. That was in no way a reflection on anything you said at all. You are so lovely and kind and I would never think otherwise. It’s just that literally my brain function has been seriously altered and it’s taking a while to recalibrate. But things have improved over the course of today. I spent the afternoon by the river again lying on the big rock next to the water, soaking up the sun. I have been very shaky and had to space out for a bit with my brain, but after that good rest I could feel some balance and normality restoring. Basically my brain has just had a really big shock from something that impacted it much more than expected. It’s very hard to explain what it’s like but it’s like my brain got severely overloaded and flooded with trauma memories and parts of me shut down. But I am slowly improving and I believe I will be ok.

How has your day been and have you had lovely autumn weather? The weather here is just beautiful ☀️

I am now contemplating a take away from the Chinese restaurant to avoid having to think about cooking. 

Take care Paws and sending you a very big hug 🤗 💕

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I'm so pleased that being in nature is helping you to rebalance yourself.  Little steps in the right direction are still good steps. I think it may take you some time to undo all the effects of the EMDR, but I do believe you can do it given time.  You were making such progress before, hold onto that memory it will help you to get back there.

Wintery weather has arrived here with very cool temperatures.  I've even had a few sparse showers of rain today, which is lovely.  I think the mild weather last week will be the sum total of Autumn weather this year.  The moon is just rising & the fact I can see it suggests the clouds that might have brought some more rain are now gone.  No frog calls despite the showers. 🐸😞

I'm not very adventurous when it comes to Chinese takeaway, satay chicken, spring rolls or beef in black bean sauce are the only items I choose between, occasionally fried rice or prawn crackers as a side.  Though Chinese takeaway is now a thing of the past for me as the general store doesn't stretch to that on it's menu.  Does your Chinese takeaway deliver or do you have to collect it?   I'm not ready to think of dinner yet as I slept the day away & had breakfast when I got up about 7pm.  I might have something light like soup & toast around midnight.  

I haven't done anything practical around the house, the new couch is still sitting in the entrance way needing me to squeeze past it to reach my bedroom.  Getting it manoeuvred into place & the old couch tucked away somewhere, along with moving out of the way all the boxes of stuff I have out in the lounge for sorting, is going to be like playing Tetris as I try not to block my next needed move. I've been doing a lot of pacing trying to measure out each move & how to fit it all in a small space.  

Enjoy your lovely Autumn weather & Dr Paws says take lots of doses of nature.

Gentlest of 🐻 hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

I’ve been going each day to the same nature place by the river which seems to help me. It’s been really awful but I won’t go into details other than to say it’s caused a lot of trauma flooding. The EMDR seemed to work exactly as it should in the session but opened up floodgates afterwards that has led to overwhelming brain changes. I can only go through it now. Last night I did feel a bit of an improvement and subsiding of overwhelm.

I’m glad you’ve had a bit of rain at least. I read how dry it’s been in parts of SA, Victoria and Queensland. The cold must feel like quite a change. The weather here has been sunny and beautiful. I’ve been noticing the moon at night too over the last few nights. It was very bright for a while. I do hope the frogs may become more active again soon.

I have a feeling my local Chinese restaurant doesn’t do delivery but it’s so close it’s easy to get there. All those dishes you mentioned are yummy. I am partial to the garlic chilli squid that mine does, which I know you wouldn’t be a fan of with the garlic. 

I can’t remember if you mentioned it before but do you have a place you have thought of that you’d like the old couch to go? Would it be a good verandah couch, though as it’s getting colder you may not want to be out there so much? Do take care with any moving of furniture and perhaps your sister and her hubby could help again with moving things around. I have a very large couch which I haven’t ever tried to move myself but I imagine it’s heavy.

Thank you for your advice Dr Paws 🐾 Just imagine if we went to the GP and there was a dog sitting there 🐶😂 I think that would be the best medicine!

Take care and warm hugs 🤗 

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Lass the words you use "trauma flooding"  "floodgates"  "overwhelming"  do convey a sense of what you are trying to cope with right now.  Floods do overwhelm, they do churn up things long buried, they do alter the surrounding areas.  The thought to hold onto is, floods do subside, sometimes they even clear away the detritus that has built up over the years.  The course of the waterway may be changed or not, sometimes the changes may be beneficial , if not they may be repaired.  Lass I'm trying to give you something to hold onto, as you are being buffeted by everything swirling out of control in your mind.  However low this keeps trying to drag you down... it will get better...  trust Dr Paws & picture me sitting beside you with a wet nose, waggy tail & big puppy dog eyes, holding your hand with my big paw. 🐕‍🦺  

Garlic squid!!  That's a double ick... I don't know which is worst... the squid or the garlic 🦑

My original thought was to move the old couch into the dining area (as a dog bed) & put it where a buffet used to be.  Of course silly me didn't think that through too well. 🙄😣 I moved the buffet out onto the back verandah as a potting set up because it didn't leave enough room in the dining area for people to sit on opposite sides of the table.  Of course the old couch is even deeper than the buffet, so putting it there would mean not being able to sit at the table at all. 🤔  I don't want to put it outside as it would become a mouse house. 🐭🐭   My house is open plan so the kitchen bench borders the lounge area.  I'm going to put it against the kitchen bench (the back is low enough to fit under the bench overhang) & use it to store things to be thrown out as part of my clearing out until there is enough, along with some things outside, to get a skip.  That will leave just enough room to walk past it.  My house is all tiles so when it comes to moving things they mostly just slide.

I've just dragged the footwarmer I bought last year out of the cupboard as despite having the heating on my feet are freezing.  Winter has definitely arrived.  I hope the mild & sunny Autumn weather continues where you are so you can get out in nature as much as possible.

Love & hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Dr Paws,

Thank you so much for your comforting, thoughtful and poetic words. You have expressed things beautifully. The flooding is an extreme experience. It consists of waves of extreme fear that can take 2-3 hours to subside. I only get a brief reprieve before the next wave. It is EMDR gone wrong in that all of this is supposed to happen in smaller more tolerable fragments. It is, as you say, meant to clear out detritus. It’s meant to build new neural pathways and recalibrate the brain and memory. But it’s so chaotic in my case it’s extremely retraumatising. I’m in another fear attack as I’m writing this and feel like I’m being crushed. But I’m in the flood now and it seems I can’t control it. I’m trying to find a tree branch or something to pull myself out onto to get me out of it.

I’m actually out on a walk at the moment near a neighbouring country town. It’s a path that actually goes through farmland like what you would find in England but not so common in Australia. So I’ve been walking between cow paddocks and I’m now at a creek that I hoped may have water but doesn’t yet. I am trying to ground myself as much as I can.

Oh yes of course the couch would indeed be a mouse house on the verandah 🐭🏠 You have reminded me of an episode of Big Bang Theory where Penny finds an armchair off the side of the road to go in her apartment, only to later discover there is a mousey living in it 🐁 Using the couch as a place to store things in the clearing out process makes sense. That is good you can slide things along the tiles.

It sounds like it’s really turned cold where you are with needing to get out the foot warmer. There was rain here yesterday and it’s a cloudy, cool day today, but with a lot of smoke around from prescribed burning. A mountain biker has just trundled past me on the path. I find saying hello to people helps me with my internal state at the moment. One of the important considerations with EMDR that I’ve read about post-treatment is that it’s recommended you have social support afterwards to help contain the potential side effects. I don’t have a support system around me and I feel my psychologist didn’t think that through, along with other protocols for EMDR which include doing prep work which I now know is advised. I feel blindsided by the whole experience and it’s such a struggle to get through this. At the moment I’ve started trembling uncontrollably which happens during each fear attack. Fortunately I know enough about the nervous system being trauma activated that this is part of the process of the body trying to recover and rebalance. I just feel I didn’t need to go through this process so intensely. There are much worse things I’m going through at a mental level which I won’t mention as I don’t want to distress you or anyone with it. But I would say to anyone out there if your psychologist suggests EMDR make sure they do significant prep work with you first, especially if complex trauma is present. Make sure there is a system of containment and grounding for side effects that may follow and a system of social support in place. I’m currently going through shock because those things weren’t in place and I’m having to manage that on my own.

Anyway, the sun has emerged just now. There is a soft breeze in the Marri trees I’m under. Some ravens are cawing plus I can hear some Twenty Eight Parrots. I just heard a Grey Butcherbird too. I imagine that perhaps you may be seeing some changes in bird behaviour in your garden Paws as it gets colder. I hope you’ve been having a lovely day.

Love & hugs to you too,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello Dear ER,

It is more than disappointing that your psych rushed you into EMDR without the necessary preliminary work, especially as you have had a good working relationship with her.  What you are going through must be exhausting along with being so terribly distressing.  Has you psych given you any ideas of things to try to help you cope with what is happening?  I'm thinking of ways to ground yourself or to grab that branch as you are being swept along.  Being me I have a need to try to help when I know someone is suffering.  Given the intensity of what you are experiencing none of my ideas may actually help, but I will put them out there for you to think about or ignore.  I'm thinking of something like trying a tactile visualisation might give you some sort of break.  Things like laying on your rock & trying to visualise it as the earth hugging you & keeping you safe as nothing can get to you through rock.  Or having an item that reminds you of the friend who is now your other self & focussing on how it feels & looks & what your friend would think about it & the silly things or kind things he might say & trying to sense him being with you keeping all the bad things away.  I know trying to shift your thought & feeling when they are running away from you can feel near to impossible, but perhaps my ideas might help you think of an idea that resonates & can be not just a branch but a strong log to lift you out of the flood even if only for brief moments to begin with.  

I just re-read the bit where you were walking past cow paddocks... perhaps talking to the cows might help.  I am serious... I have had some wonderful one way conversations with cows & I've found that with them being such curious creatures they usually will stay with you while you keep talking.  Sometimes they will even let you get a pat in or a good scratch.  They have such soulful eyes it really did feel as though they could understand both my tears & words.  I've found it very comforting.

Yes I remember the armchair episode a good lesson on why not to pick up furniture left by the road on council hard rubbish collections. 

Down to 1 deg last night as the skies are so clear.  The day felt like a lovely winters day, with clear blue sky & sunshine, but still with a distinct nip to the air when I went outside in the early afternoon.

I hope your walks in nature do help you to rebalance & ground yourself. 

Lots of supportive hugs.

Paws 

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Dear Paws,

I’ve had a bit of a breakthrough improvement over the last couple of hours. I think my brain may be starting to re-integrate. Thank you so kindly for your very good suggestions. With regard to my friend, he and another dissociated part have been with me through this process. That is actually part of the issue. With dissociative disorders and EMDR the dissociated parts really need to be included in the process and they were not. My psych may never have tried to do EMDR with someone with differentiated parts before, I’m not sure, but there needed to be a process that considered all of us and definitely preparation beforehand. I’ve emailed my psych tonight to say I can feel an improvement now. She did do a free extra session with me on Thursday to try to work on things somatically but I remained really not ok. Basically my brain was traumatised and nothing could reach it. It has been extremely frightening. My friend, D, I will call him, was the most severely affected and has been mostly comatose and at times distraught. My other part, T, has been like my executive function trying to stay online, but even he’s been dissociating. He’s been my lifeline though. While I’ve had other parts appear previously it’s been these two that have been with me the most and with me over the past week. It is a profound relief to feel like my brain is a bit more normal again.

I did in fact talk to the cows today 🐮 On my way back a lot of them had appeared from other areas of the paddocks. There were black, brown, and black and white cows. I said things like “hello lovely cows” and one even said moo back to me so I said moo in return. I loved what you said about it feeling like them really understanding your tears and words. That is so beautiful and it’s so true that they have soulful eyes. I have found animals helpful in the last few days, such as patting someone’s dog, which just took the edge off feeling absolutely awful. I think animals can sometimes reach us when we’re at our worst and nothing else seems to help.

With regard to roadside furniture, I’ve actually collected a bit of it myself. I was once renting a granny flat and mostly furnished it with bits and pieces from the side of the road. I collected the furniture in well to do areas where people would put out good stuff. It was surprising what I could fit in my small hatchback including a bookcase. I scored a very nice office chair too. So I think I must have a bit of Penny in me 😂

Oh that’s really cold at 1 degree! I know what you mean about those sunny winter days that still have a nip in the air. I went to Canada many years ago in winter and it was the sunny days that felt the coldest actually. When there was cloud cover it warmed up a bit. I don’t know if you found it to be similar in places like Scandinavia and Scotland, if you were there in colder weather?

Thank you, I will spend more time in nature and take things very easy in the next few days. I expect I’ll still have a bit of a rollercoaster ride but I do sense that I’m getting better.

Lots of kind hugs to you as well,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

It's good that you felt a bit better today.  I hope that continues in leaps & bounds over the next few days.  I won't say I understand because I think I would need to live with a dissociative disorder to have any true idea of how the trauma of this past week has affected you.  But I will say go gently with feeling better & I think you are right to consider it might be a rollercoaster ride, you don't want to be caught out if you hit a bump.

How lovely you mooed back at the cow.  🐄  I'm missing having cattle in the surrounding paddocks.  It is especially quiet at night which is when they used to get very chatty.  Yes I agree, animals can help in ways humans can't.  It would be lovely if Australia would let pets into more places like they do in Europe & the UK.  

That load of washing I was going to do a few days ago... I did today!!!  even if it was just after 1am.  It is now on the clothes horse in my lounge (the heater is on) making getting anywhere a good workout.  Forget getting past security laser beams like they do in the movies, my lounge at present makes that look like child's play.  

You were brave collecting roadside furniture.  I wouldn't have a problem with timber or metal objects, such as your bookcase, but I wouldn't take soft furnishings like couches unless I knew the person I was getting it from.  My old house was all hand me down furniture & even the lounge curtains were second hand.  It has only been in the last 15 years that I have let myself buy anything new, mostly that was bought to move here as I finally allowed myself to consider me worth having nice things & having the money from the sale of the old house to afford them.

I timed all my trips overseas to their Autumn, so not the coldest times.  Back then I didn't notice the cold ever.  I lived in Melbourne without heating for over a decade & only had it fixed when my Labrador at the time started getting old & he felt the cold.  My family were divided by my sisters & one brother who took after dad & loved the hot weather & one brother & myself who took after mum & didn't feel the cold unless it was actually freezing.  I was quite happy to wear summer clothes year round until I hit my early 40s & started perimenopause, though I still don't feel cold as others seem to.  I've been to the general store here & the owners have had 4 or 5 layers on & I've just been in a  long sleeved top.  Yes they think me mad.🙃  I would melt wearing a puffer jacket & such layers that I see others wearing.

I hope the weather continues fine for you to get out & about.

Hugs

Paws

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Lass I'm just popping in to let you know I'm thinking of you.

No need to reply as we all know sometimes that is just too hard.

Be gentle with yourself & remember the helplines are there if you need them.

Gentlest of hugs

Paws