Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I'm so pleased you are feeling on the up, especially that the loneliness you have been experiencing has largely dissipated.  The insomnia isn't good though as you're body needs that down time.  Are you sleeping at all during the day if not at night?  

I was awake all last night, but it wasn't insomnia, it was simply I could not get comfortable... it didn't matter how many times I re-fluffed my pillows, added or removed the blanket, chose a sleeping position.... nope after less than 5 minutes each time I had to try something else.  I did finally fall asleep sometime after 8am & slept until early afternoon.  I don't know if you have seen the comedic movie I Was A Male War Bride with Cary Grant, but there is a scene where the only spare place to sleep one night was in a bathtub & his inability to get each limb in a comfortable position within the tub is exactly what I was like last night.

I woke up to a horribly humid afternoon & it still is awfully sticky.  I've got the fan on just to move the air about a bit.  I think your cool overcast day sounds perfect by comparison.  

Now I'm wondering if Fred doesn't like the moniker you have given him & is staying out of sight until you come up with something more spectacular to suit a shark of his fame. 😁  Either that or he is feeling the need to avoid the paparazzi that may be lying in wait for him.  It's a pity all the penguins & kiwis are still on Croix's iceberg, we definitely need some oceanic spies to come to our aid on this.

Wishing you a peaceful nights sleep.

Gentle hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Paws,

I have been sleeping some afternoons and some mornings. That sounds like a very uncomfortable night you had. I haven't seen that movie but I imagine the clip of the bath scene may be available on YouTube. Sometimes I find giving up and reading a book can be a good thing to try and then sometimes that has made me able to sleep eventually. However, it sounds like the primary issue was getting comfortable so I don't know if it would help in that case.

I hope today was a good day, whether you were active or rested. Yes, perhaps Fred should be something like Fernando instead. I haven't been looking for him with my camera so I don't think it's camera shyness.

I've had an extraordinarily rough day full of grief regarding the loss of a close friend from my past. I'm in a strange state of shock. If I disappear for a few days I am just in grief and kind of stunned at the moment and may not find it easy to communicate.

I did have lots of small birds visiting my garden today. There were many Red-winged Fairywrens and Splendid Fairywrens, plus even a White-breasted Robin. Also a Western Spinebill, Silvereyes, New Holland Honeyeaters, Twenty Eight Parrots and White-browed Scrubwrens.

I hope you had some good sleep last night and can get some restful sleep tonight too.

Gentle hugs to you too,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello Dear ER,

Lass I wish there was something I could say to help at this time.  Know I am sitting with you in spirit.  

Take all the time to do what feels best for you at this time.  Grief doesn't have a set way to be, especially with an unexpected loss.  Lass there are grief helplines if you feel reaching out to hear a human voice.

Know I'm thinking of you

Gentlest of hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you kindly Paws,

It’s been a very tumultuous few days. I don’t think I could even begin to explain here. Feel like my soul got ripped out but also have had healing experiences in relation to the meaning of this person in my life at a spiritual level. It’s like I’m learning a lot emotionally and spiritually in just a few days already. It’s too much to explain here.

How are you going? I hope you have been able to make a bit of progress at a rate you can handle in cutting back and removing vegetation. I hope it is less humid too. I read about how dry it is in Victoria.

Take care and gentle hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Words often can't convey with any true insight what we go through when we lose someone important to us.  Your emotional state will flow in many different directions as you try to process your loss, that is natural & I think tumultuous is a good word for describing it in part.  It is completely up to you to share or not share what you are feeling or what your friend meant to you.  Only you will know what you will find helpful at this time.  Lass remember it is ok to focus on yourself & your needs as you find your way through this.

I've done nothing outside over the last few days.  Inside has been little better.  Though I did wash the accumulated dishes & now just have the mugs left to do.  I need to go to the chemist in big town, so hopefully will get there tomorrow & will buy more water from Woolies as well.

Gentlest of bear hugs

Paws

[Croix]

Dear ER and Paws~

The water situation sounds horrible, I love the way you thought to fill the bird bath, birds are so tiny relatively speaking (except for penguins) and surely wold not be able to that long without a drink.

ER mentioned Bunnings which reminded me. I use a rubber ( or maybe plastic) mat in my shower, and it has umpteen tiny suckers on the bottom side and a non-sip upper side. Not that expensive and fits well in a bath. No possibility of leaving any marks and makes me feel a lot more stable. Even treading on the soap is fine.

ER that greif is hard, and I can understand what it feels like to have half one's soul taken away as it has happened to me. I have found if I try to concentrate on small nice pleasures, such as fluffing Sumo's whiskers (to his great annoyance) gives me somethng extra and a litle relief. A small help maybe, I'm not sure htere are many large ones.

Also other memories -not necessarily your own. try 'the cat tent'

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws and Croix,

Thank you for your kind thoughts and wishes. Croix, the person who died was also the other half of my soul, someone I connected with deeply many years ago. I feel greatly for you that you went through that too. It has for me been the most powerful grief I have experienced and yet there has been a deep healing as well, all in a matter of days, both of which are ongoing processes. I knew the exact moment he passed and felt it. His presence is with me now.

Thank you for the cat tent. I remember reading it before. Yes animals are so healing. Just a few hours after he passed on Wednesday I knew I needed to walk. I was walking just close to here and a kelpie was watching me from the other side of the road. I could tell she sort of wanted to approach but was a scared dog who seemed to have a trauma background. I just sat down on the ground and slowly and tentatively she approached me. I didn’t reach out to her as I knew it would startle her but waited for her to nudge me with her nose, and then I was able to pat her and she pressed up against me and gave me cuddles too. We could read each other and feel each other’s emotions.

Paws, I hope you are going ok with everything and just doing whatever you need to do, resting if that is what you need. I hope you were able to get to big town including the chemist and Woolies. We had some lovely rain here a couple of nights ago.

Take care and big hugs to you both,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Paws,

Just checking in to see how you are going? Absolutely no need to respond if you don’t feel like it. I just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going ok. 

Sending big hugs to you 🤗

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Sorry lass, I missed seeing your post from Wednesday.

What lovely serendipity to have that interaction with the Kelpie just as you most needed a friendly shoulder.   I'm sure she would have taken away a lot of comfort as well from the gentle way you allowed her to choose to come to you.   

It is good to hear you are experiencing some healing at this time lass, especially given how deeply you are feeling this loss.  Lass any loss, but especially a major one, can throw a person completely out of their normal routines & self care, so I'm putting my mother hen hat on & asking if you are getting the food & sleep your body needs.  

The  past week here has been in the mid to high 30s & apart from this coming Thursday (29 expected) it will continue to be in the mid to high 30s for the foreseeable outlook.  The nights aren't dropping below 18 which for me is way too warm.  My aircon keeps the lounge area cool, but not much elsewhere in the house.  I've done nothing outside & that won't change until the weather does.  I did manage to get another 10 litres of water late last week, which as I'm drinking milk, is plenty for a sponge bath every few day's & to wash the one cup & bowl I've been using.  I spotted the general store in my village has a 10 litre pack of water tucked away in the far aisle, so I will grab that when I go for milk on Thursday.

Gentle hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Yes, she was a lovely dog. She was a brown and tan kelpie. She had a collar and everything and I could tell belonged to someone visiting the property I was next to who had left their ute in the driveway and the kelpie was just hanging out by the vehicle.

Yes, I am eating pretty normally. I had a couple of days where I didn’t but I’m ok now. Some nights I sleep ok and some I am awake a long time like last night, but it’s all ok. The person is with me in spirit and I am learning so much from the situation as I process things which is happening in a very automated way, not like I am having to try and process.

That sounds like such uncomfortable weather and so drawn out as well. It is sensible not to be out there exerting yourself in the heat. I wonder if you can sleep in your lounge to keep cooler? I don’t know if you have a couch that is comfy enough for sleeping for an extended period? You don’t want to wake stiff and sore so you’d want it to be supportive for sleeping.

I’m glad you have been able to pick up a large water container and can get another one from your local store. Another thing I thought of as a possible solution is having someone there with you like your sister so that you could have a tradesperson come in and know that you have company. But I don’t know if you feel comfortable asking that so ignore that suggestion if it doesn’t feel ok for you. I’m just trying to think of ways for you to be supported in your situation. I really hope the hot weather doesn’t go on too much longer.

It is autumn-like here now. It has been quite lovely. My garden has been full of Red-winged Fairywrens each day over the past couple of weeks. I’ve just been out hanging my doona (or quilt as it’s otherwise known) on the washing line. It only just fits in my washing machine and had been sitting out for a few weeks waiting for me to wash it. I still won’t need it for a bit but it will be ready to go when things get more wintery.

I’m off to my version of big town this morning. When I went to my local supermarket yesterday stocks were really low. I couldn’t get quite a few things. Whereas the town I’m going to today has multiple supermarket options. We have some thunderstorm activity forecast in the next couple of days after today.

Take care Paws and sending gentle hugs to you,

ER