Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oh you made me laugh out loud... what a hoot forgetting you weren't fully dressed 🤣  plus calling a big burly guy little fluffy   🙄🙄

Rock pools are magical places & they can hide such a variety of creatures all in one small puddle.  On Jersey in the Channel Isles there is a rocky causeway, leading out to a small light house at the tip of the isle.  It was fascinating to see that the rock pools on the lee side of the prevailing weather had far more creatures & more of them were inhabited compared to the ones that bore the brunt of the weather.  I'm sure the other tourists must have thought me daft as I popped from side to side rather than just going out to the light house & back as so many did.  Actually that was something I noticed a lot in my travels, how many people seemed to just be ticking things off a list, rather than spending time & noticing what there really was in each place to experience.  

I made it into Big Town & was home before the day warmed up.  My bird bath has been extra popular today & despite my filling it mid afternoon, I will have to top it up again in the morning. 

I hope your meditation session last night went well. 

Hugs & pats

Paws

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,  ** I thought I posted this yesterday, but as it was still auto-saved it didn't go through

Oh you made me laugh out loud... what a hoot forgetting you weren't fully dressed 🤣  plus calling a big burly guy little fluffy   🙄🙄

Rock pools are magical places & they can hide such a variety of creatures all in one small puddle.  On Jersey in the Channel Isles there is a rocky causeway, leading out to a small light house at the tip of the isle.  It was fascinating to see that the rock pools on the lee side of the prevailing weather had far more creatures & more of them were inhabited compared to the ones that bore the brunt of the weather.  I'm sure the other tourists must have thought me daft as I popped from side to side rather than just going out to the light house & back as so many did.  Actually that was something I noticed a lot in my travels, how many people seemed to just be ticking things off a list, rather than spending time & noticing what there really was in each place to experience.  

I made it into Big Town & was home before the day warmed up.  My bird bath has been extra popular today & despite my filling it mid afternoon, I will have to top it up again in the morning. 

I hope your meditation session last night went well. 

Hugs & pats

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

I know what you mean about people going only to set tourist locations but not necessarily seeing much of what’s there. My favourite rocky hill, which is next to my favourite rock pool, is right next to a tourist site. Yet very few people venture there and don’t seem to go 50m beyond the car park or main tourist spot. So I often have it to myself. They would have no idea of all the creatures in the rock pool and perhaps that’s a good thing for those creatures, not being overburdened by a lot of tourists. I just googled “jersey causeway lighthouse” and I think I can see the place, Corbiere Lighthouse? It looks like a lovely place for rock pool discoveries and is a little like my favourite place with the granite rocks.

I’m glad you got to Big Town before it was too warm. I’m sure your bird bath is providing very welcome respite for the birds and possibly other creatures too. I was reading about the heatwave across all of Victoria but that southern parts will get a cool change soon. I’m going to be leaving Perth on Tuesday morning just before it really heats up here again.

I’m having afternoon rest and snooze time with fluffy cat. I did have a nice meditation session on Friday night and last night had a lovely evening with my friends, their little girl and another couple they are friends with. All such lovely people. My friend asked me the other day if I’d think about renting again. Initially I said I was too scared to as it feels insecure. I realised now I think she’s thinking that as they are considering buying another place, perhaps I would want to live in and rent with them. They have had a tenant where they are now which is a tiny unit but they are thinking of somewhere with more space.

I’m now starting to think maybe this is a possibility. It would certainly remove my loneliness. I do have this strange feeling of confusion and dislocation at the moment about where my home is. I really haven’t bonded with my place and I’m genuinely anxious about my capacity to maintain it in the long term. I appreciate it but it still doesn’t feel like my home. I live in a beautiful and peaceful location nature-wise, but I feel totally out of sorts in the town. I feel more connected with people here in the city and there are many more opportunities for so many things of interest to me. So I’m in a very strange feeling liminal zone at the moment.

Anyway, I’m trying not to stress too much about the future. But I think the decision to move where I did was, in retrospect, not the right one for me. It’s been way harder to find meaningful human connection there than expected. I’ve made things harder for myself than if I’d stayed in the city. A nice couple I got to know in the town have already left, expressing similar feelings of not being able to connect and belong there. Like me they thought it would be idyllic but they felt a kind of alienation and that it wasn’t the best place for their kids. I think I have to trust that by following my intuition I will find something that feels like home for me.

Sorry for rambling on. I’m just quite unsettled today and realising I’ve been unsettled ever since I moved to the town. I kept thinking I’d start to belong at some point but my gut feeling really tells me that’s not going to happen. The only place I feel I belong there is my favourite ocean spot, but as soon as I’m driving back into town from there it always feels wrong. It’s a strange feeling.

I’ll be off to the local park shortly with my friend and her little one. Her little girl is so curious about everything along the way - letterboxes, cars, trees, birds etc. It’s wonderful seeing the newness and magic of the world through the eyes of a young child ✨

I hope you are having a lovely evening Paws. It’s still daylight here. The Red-tailed Black Cockatoos are calling at the moment and were vocal yesterday too. This suburb used to have a lot more tree cover which has largely disappeared as housing density increased, but the cockatoos are still finding a few gum trees with gumnuts to feed on.

Fluffy cat is making little noises in her sleep. I think she must be dreaming 😴🐱

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I do understand the uncertainty that would come with renting.  It isn't something I would do unless I was forced to by circumstances.  You will need to think carefully before choosing to live with your friend 24/7.  It could change the dynamic of your friendship, it may even cause difficulties for you to feel like it is your home, especially over time, when it comes to things like having your own friends come around or getting a pet.  Also, if you sold your current place & didn't buy somewhere new, that money being saved would affect your DSP.  While it might sound like a good fit for you to help with your loneliness right now, I do think you would do best to consider whether that would be a good long term solution.

Just from the differences in your health & moods that I can sense from your posts, I do agree that you are much more content & seem happier in yourself when you are away from where you currently live.  I'm sure it is the town that is the problem, you clearly are someone who people enjoy interacting with as shown by how many people you chatted with in just one nights stay at the caravan park.

I'm keeping everything crossed that the cool change which is due Wednesday will last longer.  The thunderstorms that came through late yesterday were worrying as, though I could see other areas like Geelong actually got rain, hereabouts only had a few drops, I could literally hear each large droplet hit my roof, they were so few.  While there are now more fires in this region due to the lightning strikes, these aren't too close yet.  There is thunder rumbling to the south of me as I type this.

I’m getting quite attached to this year’s magpie youngster.  He/she is such a clumsy clot.  Landing is still not his strong point & it doesn’t matter what he lands on, he usually lands with all the style of a wet bag of cement.  He is becoming a regular at my bird bath (the other magpies very rarely use it) & hangs back until all the other birds have gone & then just sits on the rim watching the world between sips. 

Safe travels on your trip homewards tomorrow

hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I’m just back from reading “I’m a Dirty Dinosaur” countless times to little miss, trying to get her go to sleep for her afternoon nap. I’ve been playing with her for several hours which has given my friend a chance to attend to a few things which is not easy with a very active toddler.

I haven’t discussed the rental idea further as yet. My friend and I do get along very easily and we are of very similar natures. I understand what you mean though about living with people. I realise most of my adult life I’ve been in share houses and twice I was in a granny flat at the back of someone else’s place, in regular contact with them and their pets. I’ve never been as alone as I am now and I realise it’s not optimal for my mental health. I’m someone who does better with others around a lot more. So whatever I do, somehow human contact needs to be much more a part of my life. Yes, I don’t know the ins and outs of the DSP and renting and would need to ask Centrelink how that would be affected. I do feel I’m at financial risk staying where I am as I think it’s going to only get harder over time maintaining a property where things keep going wrong on it. I feel scared and overwhelmed by it to be honest and just want something really simple I can call home.

This morning I woke to find someone had stolen a plant from the front by digging it out. That’s happened multiple times here in what can be a dodgy neighbourhood. There’s a lot of crime, drug issues etc. I do use the local shops but my friend said people have been complaining about being asked for money there and then threatened if they don’t give it. The first time I housesat here someone set the kebab shop on fire at the shopping centre. So it can be interesting here at times. While I’ve lived in suburbs very similar to this one across Perth, perhaps I’d prefer being in one a little safer if I did buy up here.

Yes, I really hope the cool change lasts longer for you. I know what you mean about those big rain drops where you can basically count them because there’s so few. It’s like the clouds are trying to squeeze them out with difficulty. I’m glad at least the fires from lightning strikes are not close by. 

The young magpie sounds entertaining and delightful. Yes, they can seem a bit uncoordinated and bumbling which can be quite comical. I’ve watched them dash about making their high pitched baby noises while randomly picking up objects they seem to be investigating as possible food sources before deciding that they’re not edible. I love that your local one is enjoying the bird bath.

Fluffy cat has a different dynamic with birds than most cats. She is more under threat from them than they are from her. I’ve never seen her stalk a bird actually. The wattlebirds in particular will swoop her and I have to go out and shoo them off. She’ll be hiding timidly under some plants. She also doesn’t rub against you like other cats. Her behaviour is quite different which I think is the breed. She’s out the front at the moment enjoying the breeze ruffling her fur. She’s had a summer haircut so is not quite as luxuriant fur-wise and even looks a bit like a mini lion with her current fur-styling 😂🦁

Wishing for more rain to come your way Paws 🌧️💧🌈🙏

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

It does seem there are things you need to look into before deciding to either rent or buy.  What sort of low life steals plants from someone's garden, it doesn't sound like a safe neighbourhood where you are staying if people get hassled just going to the shop.  Yes if you do move back to Perth I think a location where you can feel safe would be very important, especially if you were doing evening activities & coming home late.  Even if you don't end up living with your friend, it might be possible to get somewhere close by & then you could have her little girl come over to Aunty ER's for visits or sleepovers & you would be close enough to pop in for a cuppa etc.

Well I'm not going down to my sil's on Saturday.  My car will be in getting fixed.  When I left home to get milk my car was very sluggish & I couldn't get up to speed, some warning lights also lit up on my dash.  There is a mechanic in the small village near me, so I called in there.  The mice having been driven from my house have made a home in my engine bay & chewed through a lot of cabling, plus my accelerator needs replacing.  Apparently modern cars (mines 10 years old) have electronic accelerators not cable connected ones & mine is about to stop working all together. So I was allowed to drive it home from my village (10 minute drive),  I'm to drop it off in the morning & they will run me home.  If it stops working in the meantime they will come & tow me.  It will be off the road for a bit as the mechanics is booked up & they need to get the parts in.  I'm dreading the repair bill & being carless.

I like the image of you pet sitting a mini lion & I'm sure Fluffy Cat feels regal enough to be a queen of the jungle.  I don't know much about cats, actually what I know could be written on the head of a pin.  I do know some cats are more standoffish than others, but given FC comes to you for pats I would have assumed she would do the leg rubbing thing.  How strange... I wonder if you are right about it being a breed trait.  Poor FC being picked on by nasty birds.  It is alright, I won't blab about it to the cat grapevine, her secret is safe with me.   

I wished you safe travels & then forgot to ask if you were breaking your journey or driving straight home.  I've a mind like a sieve.  I hope the drive doesn't take too much out of you.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Paws,

Oh what a bummer with your car 😞 It sounds like what happened to someone else I know who last year had the same kind of issue with car damage from mice. I didn’t know anything about electronic vs cable accelerators. Do you have enough food supplies to get you through while your car is in for repairs? I wonder if the village store does any deliveries if needed? I hope maybe you were able to pick up a few things as well as the milk while at the village. Hopefully it won’t take them long to get the parts and do the repairs.

Although fluffy cat is very affectionate and loves pats she doesn’t do the rubbing her head on the legs of humans at all. She is a Persian and they are apparently known for being calm, gentle and quiet. She doesn’t climb much or get up to mischief like some cats either, apart from her occasional delightful zoomies. Basically she is very easy to look after. While she is affectionate to me, they can apparenrly be a bit selective about who they open up to. So my friend and her mum (owner of the cat) tell me I’m privileged in that she isn’t always this way with everyone. I really respected her space when I first looked after her so I think that earned her trust. I can pick her up and carry her around on my shoulder like she’s a young baby 😂 She really is a dear little being and I love her very much 🥰

I think what made me feel drawn to the rental option was the memory of really enjoying being in a household with others. In my last share house, for example, there were four of us. We’d sit down to breakfast together in the morning before work and have a chat and have each other to ask about our day when we got home. One of the housemates and I did a lot together - movies, walks, concerts, music festivals etc. The other two I had a holiday down south with at one point and we did a great day walk on the Bibbulmun Track in the rain. They are valued memories now. I am really a family-oriented person and I’m trying to think of how to go forwards so I feel my life is more family-like again.

What I am thinking now is that given I’ve recently turned 50 I have just 5 more years until I’d qualify to go into one of those over 55s retirement villages. They are a little less expensive to buy into than the regular equivalent real estate. I’m managing ongoing health issues and perhaps something like that is a more secure environment for me with services onsite as well. At the moment I’m having a fair bit of trouble with my left knee and a long term injury issue with my right arm, aggravated in recent days carrying my friend’s little girl around. Along with the liver condition, I’m getting reminded that I am vulnerable and it may make a lot of sense to be in one of those villages. I struggle so much with basic things at home such as even the relatively small garden and the maintenance issues are definitely too much for me on the unit itself. It’s a thought at the moment anyway.

Thank you, I did break up the journey again and I’m lying under the aircon at the moment in the donga-style accommodation in the caravan park again. I’m so glad I stopped here as really didn’t feel good driving and I had to stop at one point as my eyes were almost closing on me. It will make my final leg home tomorrow so much more enjoyable and leisurely.

Have a restful evening Paws ☺️

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

The retirement villages that offer nurse on call & the ability to live completely independently or with degrees of assistance do sound like a good option.  It would be a case of research, research, research... to find a good one that would suit long term & not charge ginormous extra fees for everything but the basics or when you try to leave.  When here gets too much for me I have thought about moving into a unit on it's own lot in a township & have the in home care, be it someone to help with the cleaning, meals on wheels, garden care, nurse visits, someone to help with shopping, having the unit modified to make it safe etc. It would be nearly impossible to get home help here being so far from a large town.  Then possibly later a move into a unit in an aged care facility, rather than a retirement village.  The aged care places don't have all the community facilities that a village offers, but they do have nurses on call & are often cheaper.  Of course that can make them hard to get into.  You are too young for aged care support, but it might be an idea to see if you are eligible for NDIS support or if there are local charities or possibly the council where you want to move to that offer free or low cost services like home maintenance or garden care for people on the DSP.  

Well some good news re my car, it is all fixed & the accelerator didn't need replacing.  The mice hadn't made as big a mess of the wiring as feared, but they did damage the wiring associated with the battery, alternator & to the electronics, that turned out to be why my accelerator wasn't working properly.  It also turns out it had affected my power steering, I had been thinking for a little while that the car seemed heavier to turn but just put it down to me, nope... now the electronic bit works, so does my power steering... no more hauling the wheel with all my strength.   Now I can go to my sil's on Saturday.   

I had to google Persian cat to see what they look like, they are very fluffy, now I can see why she deserves the moniker Fluffy Cat.   I've also learnt that the original breed had a small snout, while some modern breeders are choosing to breed then with more of a flat face... so the big question....  which type is FC???   It was good of you to give FC her space when you first met her, I wish more people did that with all animals.  

I'm glad you stopped off at the caravan park too.  I hope after your lay down for a bit, you get to go for a walk in the evening light.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

I’m so glad your car was repairable quickly and you can still visit your sil this Saturday. I really hope it is nice, cooler weather too for driving there. I’m glad the accelerator didn’t need replacing and I hope it wasn’t too expensive.

With retirement places, there are some where there’s a combination all the way from independent retirement units to a nursing home section. My dad’s former sil is in such a place. She has her own unit at the moment but can move into the nursing home section when she can no longer be independent. I know there are other places that are one or the other, so a retirement village only or a nursing home only. I already pay strata fees here and I understand it’s the same in at least some retirement villages that are based on strata title. I have noticed what you get for an equivalent price is a bit nicer in over 55s retirement villages compared to what you get in regular real estate. For the same price as a one bedroom apartment in not great condition in an old run down complex in the regular market, you can get a quite nice two bedroom unit that looks in much nicer condition in a retirement village. Several times I’ve got excited when I’ve seen the pictures of the nicer unit, only to realise it’s for over 55s only. So I’m now wondering if I can last here another 5 years and then get myself into one of those places. I’m starting to have trouble with the stairs in this unit, so thinking I’d prefer a unit on one level too and not a complex involving stairs.

Fluffy cat has a fairly squashed in face, not the flattest I’ve seen from photos of Persian cats, but not the more pronounced snout either. She does get some respiratory issues because of it and I always feel sorry for animals dealing with this aspect of breeding, such as Pugs and French and English Bulldogs. FC can seem to have a grumpy expression too because of the flatter face but she really isn’t like that and is actually very sweet. I prefer seeing animals with a more natural snout. But FC is still a loveable little muffin and I find her very cute 🥰 

Well I’m in some rotten pain at the moment which I think is my gallbladder. The naturopath did say the hormone that I’ve restarted can slow the motility of bile in the gallbladder and cause problems so that may be happening combined with eating some food today I probably shouldn’t have. The hormone has undoubtedly lifted my mood and helped with sleep but I may have to come off it again 😞 At least the naturopath has a backup plan with supplement suggestions, so I think I may be giving that a go next. One supplement encourages production of that particular hormone without the effects on the gallbladder from taking the hormone directly. I believe I’ve had deficiency in this hormone for life as if you’ve had chronic cortisol depletion (e.g. from relentless stress, trauma etc) this hormone is converted to cortisol in the body to compensate, causing an imbalance. I’m pretty certain this is the case for me and it explains a lot.

Well as usual it’s lovely and cool here after arriving home compared to everywhere else I’ve been. It was pretty hot driving down. I did have a walk yesterday leading up to sunset but forgot about the ubiquitous mosquitoes in that location. Hence I became dinner for them. I was slapping myself non-stop 🤣 But I managed to take in some of the atmosphere and lovely light, nonetheless.

Wishing you a peaceful evening and lovely day tomorrow Paws.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oh lass that is not good that you are in pain.  I hope it was just down to what you ate rather than the hormone med.  Do you think you will keep taking it for a little longer in case it was just the food?  

No I don't the breeding of animals with flat faces or any of the breed standards that call for meeting a standard that affects the animal's health or quality of life.  I am pleased that in Australia is is illegal to crop ears & dock tails unless for medical reasons.  Unfortunately the battle to stop puppy farms continues, as does trying to amend many breed standards to reflect animal health over looks.

I am aware of the retirement places where you can start off in an independent unit & move to greater care as you need too.  A couple of decades ago a friend's parents moved into one, but it was extremely expensive 😮. Although it's location in a posh suburb may have contributed to the pricing. 🙄   I haven't looked into such places for myself as I've just assumed a) I couldn't afford it & b) they wouldn't allow pets.  Perhaps I should give them a look.  It is hard that these places have minimum age limits that you haven't reached yet.  When you think how fast the last 5 years have flown by, perhaps staying where you are for that much longer might not seem so bad??   Plus it gives you more time to get those things on your list to be fixed done, before you sell.  That might make it easier on you & your bank balance.  Sometimes simply having an end date for something can make things easier to put up with while you wait.  

To answer your earlier question, which I missed answering before.  Yes I would have had enough food to last if I was without the car for a week.  I always keep enough canned & dry food in the pantry & veges & meat in the freezer to last me at least a month if I needed it to.  A habit I got from my mum.  It would get very repetitive, but that isn't unusual for me as I can have the same thing for days running without it bothering me.  Though I did pick up a weeks worth of milk before dropping the car in, as I couldn't cope without my fresh milk.😁

It was hot here today, but cooling off over the next few days, before heating up again mid next week.  It should actually be nice for my drive to my sil's on Saturday.

I hope you slept well after your drive

hugs

Paws