Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Croix]

I find recognizing people hare too. This is particularly if they are out of thier normal context. I remeber when greeted on hte street I'd be stumped, someone I had put away, a fellow student, a friend of Mrs C ....?  Very difficult to think up an all-purpose response.

It's even worse nowadays wiht so many video conferences, you can guarantee the host and a few others will have the names "admin@xyz.com" or similar instead of a normal name. Wiht different hosts in subsequent meetings it is more than confusing.

I dunno, I think it is a case of cruelty to inebriated kiwis. You must be aware they normally drink top-shelf as a little has to go a long way in their tiny feathery bodies. Encouraging them to drink been instead means they will have to make many trips (for obvious purposes) when in better times they simply sat in corners and sipped.

I believe they may be the only example in nature of an animal having a natural drinking straw (evolution strikes again:).

I suppose you scamps have plans for New Year's Eve too (if you have recovered in time).

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Croix and Paws,

Yes, it’s so difficult with recognising people. I’m starting to explain now to people that I have trouble recognising faces, though I’m not quite sure they understand. I think it’s often a case of fumbling through.

I think the kiwis consider their new special craft brew to be top-shelf. They’ve branded it with a kiwi on the bottle. I think they consider it an exquisite beverage for the refined kiwi. We shall see what happens during the Christmas celebrations. After hearing your insights about their specially evolved beak (aka drinking straw) they have decided to name their beverage Evolve. I wonder if this will make people think if they drink the beverage they will start turning into a kiwi? Professor Porpoise just advised he might be able to actualise this potential, but I said it might lead to lawsuits and it might be best not to meddle with the brew. So he has gone back to replicating penguins instead 🐧🐧🐧🐧🐧

Right now I’m sitting by my glass sliding door and I’ve been watching two wattlebird parents feeding their baby on my back lawn. They find something in the grass and then feed the squawking youngster. I expect it is these wattlebirds who pulled apart the nylon on my washing line to make a nest for said baby. Well I guess I’m glad I helped the next generation even though my washing line now looks worse for wear.

Earlier this morning, around 5:30am, I saw a creature in my back garden that could have been a rat or a young bandicoot. It was hard to tell as it was more rat-sized but it had a hop-along gait more like a bandicoot. The bandicoots have the more longer slender nose, but the juvenile ones not as much. I went to get my camera to photograph it but it had gone when I came back. I hope it was a bandicoot, but that could be wishful thinking on my part.

I’m drinking coffee trying to get my body going. I’m driving north today to stay at another town on my way to the city. My former elderly neighbour is now in a nursing home in that town and we are going to catch up tomorrow. She sounded so excited on the phone to have a visitor and I so look forward to seeing her. She is going to show me around the grounds there and has invited me to stay for lunch. It’s cool and cloudy here so it will be weird on Tuesday when it’s going to be 35 in Perth.

 I hope all is going well for you Paws and it’s not too hot. I saw that it’s very hot in Melbourne today! So I’m guessing you are getting some heat where you are. Melbourne is further south than here yet gets temperatures that are both hotter and colder. It’s certainly climatically diverse!

Take care Paws and Croix and I hope you have a lovely day.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Croix,

Sorry I've been missing.  I fell down a black hole mentally in the wee hours of Saturday morning & didn't come out of it until very late Sunday.  I basically spent the two days curled up in a ball on my bed.  I felt much brighter yesterday & would have popped in here then, but Telstra managed to have problems on the nearest phone tower. So no internet or at times phone signal until 11pm last night.  Just what was needed on a day of high fire risk... not.  Yes it was hot here yesterday, 30 by 9am & 41 by 11:30am, thankfully the cooler winds came through just after 1pm & dropped it right back. 

How lovely being able to watch the wattlebirds feeding their youngster, I've not seen any parent birds feeding their young here.  It sounds like you need to leave out some alternatives to your washing line next nest making season.  Hanging a small string bag filled with suitable nest making material can help.   

Of course the kiwis brew is top shelf.  None of this mass produced swill for them, they consider their brew to be the finest in artisan craft beverages, equal in its affect to the finest of spirits.  My kiwis set off Friday evening after getting confirmation your kiwis had the decorating in hand.  I hear from the ship it will soon round the Cape of Good Hope & be in the final stretch south.  Apparently some of the passengers have been practising their dance steps causing the ship to rock more than usual, but it is holding up.  

I'm so pleased for you that you are getting to catch up with your old neighbour.  I can understand her sounding delighted that you haven't forgotten her & wish to visit.  I think losing touch with people when you move into a nursing or care home can be one of the biggest fears & greatest source of loneliness.

Safe travels

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

Paws I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling so low. It’s absolutely awful when the only option is curling up in a ball, but it is like a self-protection when vulnerable. During some similar episodes myself I’ve sometimes called one of the helplines and talked to a kind person which has at least partially broken up how shutdown I was feeling and given me a bit of a lift. I’ve found it does sometimes involve calling more than once if you don’t get the right person to speak to the first time. Lines like Lifeline will still talk to you even if you’re not at risk as such and the last woman I had there was profoundly supportive and present with me. She really truly listened and offered lots of helpful ideas too. So just a thought if you feel it may help to chat. Sometimes when in that shutdown state it can feel too hard. But it’s fine to say something like “I’m really shutdown and don’t know what to say at the moment” and then let them guide you a bit.

That’s no good about the internet and phone signal. I saw in the news about current fires in Victoria and I hope none are near you. You know it’s going to be a humdinger of a day when it’s 30 by 9am. Sat, Sun and Mon here are going to be 37, 40 and 41, so I’ve chosen a hot time to be here 🥵 Silly me decided not to put my bathers in at the last minute. And I’m near the beach too.

I visited my lovely friend in the nursing home this morning. I spent 3 and a half hours there. She really enjoyed having a visitor and I so enjoyed seeing her again 🥰 We had a morning cuppa and later lunch with a group from there. It’s quite social with opportunities to mix but people can choose to keep to themselves too. Some of them are such characters. At morning tea a male volunteer came and sat with us who was lovely. One of the women there exclaimed enthusiastically, “You’re a bloke!”. One of the others then said, “Steady on dear, don’t get too excited” 😂 They were like a bunch of comedians with a wicked sense of humour.

I didn’t sleep at all last night. It was nothing to do with the place I stayed. I’m actually experiencing really strong emotional turmoil in relation to issues I’m dealing with with my brother. I know that’s why I was wide awake all night. It’s very conflicting and distressing where whatever I do it hurts. But one path is still worse than the other. I’m still feeling sick about it though and about to message him. I’m breaking old patterns of being so agreeable in a situation that feels like I’m being subjected to coercive control behaviours. I’m having to name it for what it is and protect myself instead of protecting the interests of the other person. It’s so hard to break such patterns that were ingrained from childhood and he’s used to treating me a certain way. But I have to be strong and firm. It was very hard driving today on no sleep so I really hope I sleep tonight. I have my biopsy in the morning. I guess at least I might be nice and relaxed for it if I’m sleepy 🥱 

I’m staying in one of my old suburbs where I used to rent from 2013-2015. I’m enjoying the familiarity. There’s a favourite park a short walk away with a lake and water birds. I found an absolutely beautiful wetland this morning just before visiting the nursing home in the regional town.

I’m glad your kiwis are on their way. Mine have finally managed to pull Eddie the Emperor Penguin out of the chimney. They have decided to decorate him as a Snowman ⛄️ I advised I think they need to get going and catch up with your kiwis. They are putting their decorations onto inflatable craft. I might need my team of stingrays to contribute some jet propulsion to push the craft there quick enough. Well just about a week now to go. I hope you are excited Croix at the prospect of your iceberg heaving with revelry 🎉🥳🎊🍾🍻🎄

Hugs,

ER

[Croix]

Dear Paws and ER~

I'm not sure 'excited is the exact word I would have chosen, still I'm please Eddie is no longer being used as a chimney sweep. and if it is the iceberg that is 'heaving' that is one thing, if it is assorted bird-life that is another.

I think ER may be right and staying curled up in bed may well be a bit of self-care. I found sometimes the mind cannot deal with anything extra, not even everyday matters, so not trying to stress it seems  a sensible thing to me. I used to retreat, not to bed, but to my room and sit for many hours wiht no noise and not doing anything. Maybe the same sort of thing.

ER that wetland sounds tailor made for you.

With you brother you have already done the hardest thing - saying no or its equivalent. At the time I"m sure you suspected it would remain with you for a long time, it is natural, however even now you are suffering the effects of his pushing your buttons in the past. Like most things there are ups and downs, they do diminish and become more manageable in time. A visit to that wetlands, camera in hand, might help.

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Hello again Croix and Paws,

Your words are wise and true Croix. Yes, I fully intend to return to that wetland with my telephoto lens which I didn’t bring on this trip. It’s truly deeply healing. Many birds perched beautifully for me today including cormorants, welcome swallows and purple swamp hens. I did have my camera but only a 33mm lens attached, so not suitable for wildlife. I love finding new locales that become future projects.

I think it may be assorted bird life that is indeed heaving, including the kiwis piled high in your igloo to avoid their inebriated bodies being a trip hazard on the dance floor (aka iceberg). 

Sleep well you two 😴

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Croix,

Lass setting boundaries with your brother will feel very hard to do & keep doing at first, but you can do this .  When you find yourself feeling distressed or conflicted by sticking to you boundaries, remember you are entitled to & worth being treated respectfully.  Another thing that may make it a bit easier for you, is that by doing this you are teaching your brother what is & isn't acceptable behaviour.  Whether he learns the lesson is up to him, but it might with time make him take a good long hard look at himself.

Your visit with your old neighbour sound like it was a very enjoyable few hours for everyone.  It must also of been nice for you to see her happily settled.  

I'm pleased you were able to spend some time in the wetlands & nurture yourself there.  

I hope your biopsy went smoothly & that you are now back at the place you are staying at.  I think an early night is best after all the ups & downs of the last few days.  Sleep well.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

Thank you Paws, yes, I think my brother will be getting used to a new me that chooses to make decisions in my own interests rather than automatically meeting someone else’s demands. What happened Monday was he wanted to catch up while in the city and I started to fall into a false sense of security that it might be ok. But the end of the phone conversation was him inviting himself and his partner to my place again, not asking, just saying they’re coming. That’s not ok with me and he knows I don’t want to be around her. I know they are trying to force things for the sake of social appearances whereas I only care about genuine human relationships. I just knew seeing my brother up here was not going to be healthy for me and by making the decision not to, I can feel this deep healing and like positive things open up for me instead when I say no to what I don’t want.

The biopsy went well. The doctor was very good at explaining what he was doing. Afterwards I went to the nearby big shopping centre. I found myself drawn into a dress shop. I found a dress I love and just bought it for myself as a Christmas present. I had a nap in the afternoon and then went for a walk to the nearby beautiful park and lake. I saw black-faced cuckoo shrikes and crested pigeons among others. You would have liked the ravens there. I remember you writing about the crows in the pine trees and there are pine trees by this lake too that the ravens like. And before I went into the shopping centre there was a raven outside that had a few white feathers. I’ve seen this before. Apparently you can rarely sometimes get an all white raven.

Yes, it was very nice to see my friend settled into the nursing home. The staff there were lovely. She does have noticeable cognitive lapses. When I first spoke to her on the phone before going there she initially didn’t know who I was and I felt sad that she might have really declined. But then she called back much clearer, now remembering me well and really keen for me to visit. On the way out of the nursing home I was talking to a rainbow lorikeet in the reception area who was talking back to me 🦜 😂 when my friend’s daughter came in. She was so glad I’d visited her mum. She said her mum sometimes doesn’t recognise her now which must be very hard.

I’m feeling full of gratitude this evening - for life and all the rich experiences I’ve had and can have into the future. I feel very positive at the moment like the parts of myself that got broken are healing. I’m really enjoying my time here and reconnecting with places I used to frequent such as the park I just walked to. It’s like everything is cohering.

Paws and Croix, I hope you’re having a lovely evening ☺️ I am so grateful to you both too for being so kind to me and wise and supportive. It really means a lot 🙏

Sending love and hugs 🤗 

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Croix,

Lass I'm so glad the biopsy went smoothly for you.  Did they say how long you will have to wait for results?  With it being this close to the xmas/New Year break I hope it isn't delayed until January.

Yes you are right about my love of crows & ravens.  They are such intelligent & amazing birds, I can & have sat for hours just watching them.  They do recognise people & will come quite close once they get to know you, even if you don't feed them, they will also carol back to you when you talk to them.  I think it is so unfair they get a bad rap in scary films, especially Hitchcock's The Birds.  I've not heard of ravens ever having white feathers, I wonder if that is something particular to WA's birds.

It is difficult for the friends & especially the family when someone's cognitive ability declines.  I've never had to deal with it in my family, but the old neighbour from across the street where I used to live deteriorated badly over her final decade.  One of her daughters moved from interstate to live & care for her during this time & we would often talk about how hard it was for her when her mum no longer recognised her.  Over those years my neighbour stopped recognising me & every time I went over for a cuppa she would greet me as a different person from her past.  I never corrected her as she was happy being with the people she remembered & loved having visitors.

It is wonderful to hear you sounding so positive, especially about dealing with your brother.  Knowing you are strong enough & not only can, but have set boundaries is such a liberating feeling.  

It has been hot & smokey here today.  The smoke is I think from the larger blazes that are not yet under control, though far enough away not to be a threat here.  The fire nearest me which is the same one from weeks back is at least now under control.

Safe travels home

Paws

[Croix]

Dear Paws and ER~

Not all ravens have a bad rap. the ones in the Tower of London lead pampered lives and are of great interest to visitors. There is in fact one Beefeater whose job is mainly looking after them and leads them to shelter of an evening. They all have names (that's the ravens, of course the Beafeaters have names too).

White is not common in many species. I remember after my first wife passed away and I remarried and introduced my new wife to my home. As we approached we saw a snow white hawk -a most rare animal - sitting on hte roof and Mrs C took it as a sign from  my late wife as a welcome. She had been apprehensive entering my late wife's "domain" but now felt comforted.

ER I am glad you have this more optimistic sense. I'd suspect you have had a large hole in your psyche by giving in to your brother, in particular - as well as others. Stitching that gap up wiht refusals and valuing yourself must certainly be healing.

Croix