Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Hanna3]

Sorry Paws and mmMekitty I haven't been able to get through and it's getting late now and I'm just home.  Yes sometimes Housing decisions are ridiculous.  The vacuum having to be emptied often sounds like a nuisance.  

Sorry I have to be short, just checking that i am able to get through, there must have been a glitch earlier.

[Paw Prints]

Hello mmMekitty & Hanna,

mmMekitty I only vac a small area then take a break, then later do another small area as I find standing painful & my hands can't hold onto things for very long. I was talking to my sister about how the doing times get less & the rest times get longer as the day goes on & she is just the same. Long gone are the days where I could do most of the house in a morning.

I have managed for the last three days to choose one thing that needs doing & by breaking it into smaller chunks I have done either the whole thing or the majority of it. After not doing much over the last two weeks I'm pleased that I'm getting something done each day. 

I'm still finding myself looking for or expecting to see Woofa. I miss him so much. 

I've been meaning to ask, mmMekitty how are you going with your healthy eating? Better than me I hope.

Hugs

Paws

[mmMekitty]

Hi Paws & Hanna 

I hope you, Hanna, have noticed your brief post of Monday came through alright. 

Paws, that's a great strategy for getting things done. I'm proud of you for keeping at it & completing the housework.

I am still eating well, except for occasionally, when out & healthy food is difficult to find. I might find salad sandwiches, but they will be on white bread. Things like that make it so difficult. Now the weather is warmer it's not convenient to bring a lunch I've made at home. I don't my lunch getting too warm before lunchtime.

Makes me wonder, how did we not manage to not make ourselves sick eating our warm sandwiches we'd packed for school at least 4.5 hours earlier in the morning. I didn't have an insulated lunchbox or anything, then we'd put the school bag into metal shelves, which did get direct sunlight on the top & back panels. No, no ice block in there either.

What I find difficult without Mekitty, is thinking things are worth getting up & doing only for myself. It was easier getting up & doing things for Mekitty, or even for us, but as it was before I had Mekitty, I have to do things for myself. I'm not as neglectful of doing things for myself as I used to be, but the feeling is still there, below the surface. I still have to give myself a little shove & try to appreciate that doing things for myself is worth the effort & even that I feel better for achieving every bit of self-care I do.

It's easier when I think someone else will be pleased with what I do, like I'll do it for them, because they & their feelings & opinions are more important than mine, still.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Paw Prints]

Hello mmMekitty,

Yay you!! 👏👏👏 You should be so proud of yourself keeping up with eating more healthily, you have been doing this for quite some time now. 

I think we were just used to eating warm sandwiches as kids, it went with the milk that was provided & never refrigerated, just left to get warm until it was handed out. As I made the sandwiches for lunches for the family throughout my high school years, in summer I would often make them the night before & freeze them, so they would still be at cold or at least not warm by lunchtime. It did make a difference, though lettuce etc didn't stay crisp. Have you thought of getting an insulated lunch box so you can take your own meals if you prefer to?  I've not tried them, but my nieces use them for their kids lunches & seem happy with them.

I do wish it was easier to get past that mindset of being able to do things for others, but struggle to do things for us. It does seem a lot of us here on bb have this problem & there seems to be as many possible reasons why as there are people. I'm trying to use getting a new four legged friend as motivation. There are a number of projects that need doing (like finally painting my internal doors), & I've gotten stern with myself that I am not allowed to even start looking for a puppy until they are done. Even keeping up with the everyday cleaning is something I will have to be doing a lot more consistently. I am finding it is helping a bit with my motivation.

Hugs

Paws

[Hanna3]

Hi mmMekitty and Paws,

Finally got through for a bit - I've been so busy here as well with car repairs and family stuff and it's very muggy which I find tiring.  Mmekitty I know what you mean - having a pet means (if they are a dog) taking them out for a walk for one thing - and pets are good for people living alone because we have to think about something other than ourselves.  My routine is out - the things I had to do for little Sam - walks, prepare his food, refresh his water bowl, play the games he liked to play - have stopped and I suddenly have more time with just myself to deal with!  Plus there is no longer another living thing in the house with me.  

I am keeping a little memory box for Sam - photos, his collar and tag, cards people sent etc etc.  It's nice to have these memories of him to keep.  I notice on reddit, which I often read, lots of people purchase a locket on a necklace and keep some of their pet's ashes or a little lock of their hair in it and wear it around their neck.  Reddit has lots of people talking about the loss of their pet and how to cope.  

Paws that's a good idea keeping in mind the new dog and getting the house ready to motivate you.  With learning to keep the house clean and tidy, I was told long ago to at first just focus on keeping the kitchen sink clean and shining - just that and no more.  Once I got into the routine of doing that every single evening - and feeling glad at how great it looked clean and neat and shining - I gradually extended to the rest of the kitchen and then the house.  The idea is to start small and reward yourself for getting into a new habit - cleaning the sink every evening - and then move on from there.

Cheers.

[mmMekitty]

Hello Hanna, Paws & everyone.

thanks Paws. I have some hiccups, but I can't allow them to keep me from getting right back on track. I still struggle to have portions which are not 'too big', or to simply devide up what I've cooked into two meals & keep one for the next meal. I guess another thing to get around to is to find a dietician who will help me with this. 

I think I'd feel more excited & pleased with myself if the shape of my body would just seem to be becoming more streamlined, like I feel I want.

But I am happy to think I'm getting some muscles, though they are a chore to keep. A couple weeks there without support workers & I could feel my fitness had declined. I had to reduce the weights & the resistance on the machines I have been using.

Lately, I've been feeling my arthritis more. It had become worse during winter, but now it seems it's getting worse some more. I'm not certain about how much to stress the joints while exercisin, which does no good for my motivation. I need to feel sure of what I'm doing, that I'm doing things right, that I'm not going to cause any injury, things like that.

That's a good approach, Hanna, to getting things done - acknowledging your achievements along the way. I try to do that, too, but I don't always feel any sense of having achieved anything. Maybe Hanna's methods would help you, Paws? I certainly hope so.

I like the memory box, too. I kept some of Mekitty's things, up on a shelf, with other things I like. 

But, yeah, that time we now have, it quite amazed me how much time I had spent caring for Mekitty, talking to her, seeing what she was up to, sitting & petting her, just wanting to have some interaction with her. & then, it's like, well, now what do I do with myself?

I think, doing things around the place, in preparation for a new dog, Paws & Hanna, is a productive use of your time. In preparing your places ready for a new dog, you are already caring for them.

Hugzies

mmMekitty 

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws,mmMekitty and everyone

I just want to let you know that I am involved with an online organization that is trying to do something about baby monkey videos on utube.  Please do not watch any video that has monkeys dressed in clothes - especailly baby monkeys - if you watch a channel called The Monkey Sentinel, she will explain it to you - she started the group I belong to.  We are trying to get these stopped completely but they bring in advertising so it's hard to get them off. Thanks everyone!

[Hanna3]

Yes mmMekitty, we have a routine with our pets and when we don't have them, that is thrown out and it feels strange.  I still forget sometimes and it feels strange still not having little Sam around.  I was chatting to people in the dog park this afternoon and they were saying how they went through that when they lost a pet.   I can imagine your kitty was a very important part of your life and it must have been so hard losing her - how long ago was it mmMekittty?    Would you consider getting another?

Paws any more thoughts about the new dog you will get, and/or how is the house going?  A lady in the dog park today had a five month old female Dalmation that she said has crazy attacks regularly - she has had a trainer around to her home to help.  I didn't know Dalmations were subject to behaviour issues.  You probably know more about it than I do!  

I got home late and am about to have dinner - lunch with an old friend at a cafe tomorrow - not sure if I'm looking forward to it or not!

BTW on utube - people think baby monkeys in clothes look cute - it's actually terrible behind the scenes - they are wild animals not pets - I think it's horrible and they are usually kept in tiny cages when not being filmed.  We are trying hard to stop this.  

Have a good evening everyone!

[Paw Prints]

Hello mmMekitty, Hanna,

mmMekitty I would hope the physio who oversees your exercise at the gym would be taking your arthritis into account when setting things up for you. Have you mentioned to him/her that you are feeling more pain? 

Hanna I don't watch anything on utube, but I am aware of such mistreatment of animals just to get likes. I'm also aware there is a growing industry of people purporting to be raising money to stop these things & some are just scams trying to fleece kind hearted people... please do double check the group you are with, some are genuine, but unfortunately many are not. If it is a genuine group then I think you are wonderful for taking the time to try to stop this happening, it is so easy to feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of these things, but if you can stop utube from showing them in the first place that would be a fight worth fighting.

I only learnt in the last month or so that even some posts on facebook, which seem to be doing nothing more than alerting people that a genuine dog is in a genuine shelter & in need of adoption, can be part of a scam. It is just a way to get people to respond to the post & then the person who originally posted asks to be made a friend & the scamming starts from there. I would never have guessed that something that seemed so altruistic was actually a scam. People appearing to be concerned for animals is apparently a growing scam bait. I'm becoming very wary & I'm afraid cynical about what's online these days. 

At 5 months old her dalmation is probably just getting the zoomies & running around like a mad thing, which is perfectly natural & best directed outside to do it. It's a bit young to be going through the teenage tantrum, testing of boundaries phase, but every dog is different.

Paws

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws,

The two people I follow are legit - I don't give any money at all - the channel for The Monkey Sentinel is not monetized at all.  I got two videos removed from utube yesterday thank goodness - it takes a lot of reports to get them off.  There are bills going ahead in the UK and USA to make utube and facebook responsible for showing these, so we hope these get passed - it's all about money.  '

I didn't see the Dalmation misbehave, she is a young energetic dog and the lady is not young - I sometimes think older people should not get such young dogs unless they have a lot of space and energy.  Where I lived before there was an elderly man who had two very young energetic big dogs and he was always yelling at them for pulling on their leads, but he walked at a snail's pace and the poor dogs wanted to burn off some energy!

Had lunch with old friend today but I dislike the greasy fast food at the cafe - all fatty hamburgers etc and I don't usually eat lunch at all.  Was tired today and glad to get home.  

Going to have a quiet evening!  My neighbours sit and smoke non-stop - they are pleasant people but will have major health problems in the future, it's a shame.  We had some trouble with the other neighbours having a noisy party last night too, so hopefully tonight will be quieter!   

Hope everyone has a pleasant evening!