Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Doolhof]

Hi Paws,

I want to congratulate you and encourage you with your endeavour to change your life into one of energy, expectation, acceptance and achievement. 

Struggles may be inevitable or call them momentary setbacks. Learning and being aware of the issues, situations, thoughts and emotions that hold us back is worthwhile.

It sounds like you have given this a lot of consideration. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and planning ideas. I wish you well!

May strength, perseverance, motivation and acceptance be with you on your journey.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Paws,

Well done on writing out a list of things you want to achieve…braking them down is a great idea

We set ourselves goals, achievements we want to reach and do, and then get disappointed in ourselves for not completing them…maybe when we’re not depressed we write out that list and feel capable of achieving them….then depression strikes us down and that list becomes our (enemy)..because now depressed, we start reading it, then we start feeling overwhelmed and start to belittle ourselves with words like  lazy, useless etc…for something that we have no control over…

Its important to take everyday as a single day, when out of depression we can do things on our list for that day, or the next day…if we find ourselves in depression..from then until it leaves us…don’t look at your list..for that day or those days…..be very kind and caring towards yourself…give yourself the compassion you deserve….if you need to stay in bed..do that, if you feel only to watch TV or sit outside only do that…because that’s okay too…and your doing your best to get through those dark days…when the depression lifts and if you’re feeling up to..then you can again read your list and do only what you feel to do….even if it’s just washing up or washing your clothes….

Remember dear Paws…every little thing you get done off your list is a huge achievement…and it doesn’t really matter how long it takes to get through your list…

Sending you my care, love and hugs…🦋❤️🤗…

Grandy..

[mmMekitty]

Hi Paws, & everyone

Congratulations on making the list. It's great to have a clear understanding of what you want to achieve. 

Since you specifically mention losing weight for health reasons, may I ask, is that the first & most important thing you want to achieve?

I'm sure you know, I've been working on losing weight for my own health, because, as I understand, being overweight in itself increases my risk of developing another cancer somewhere else in my body. I've had two, so I don't want more, thanks very much! Also the basic idea of being fitter & stronger appeals to me too. If I had to, being unfit & overweight I don't feel I could physically defend myself. I don't like feeling so physically vulnerable. Getting myself to a healthy weight, developing some muscles, some sense I will have the strength & power if I do have to use those muscles will help me feel more confidence in my body & myself.

Yeah, I think it will help me feel more confident when out in the world. Psychologically, I think I will feel less vulnerable, because I will feel able to defend myself - I think feeling physically stronger will help me feel mentally stronger.

Although being told about the increased risk for more cancer was what initially motivated me, more importantly are my own, very personal reasons for wanting to lose weight & become stronger.

That's how I quit smoking & drinking. I had my own reasons. Drinking wasn't doing anything I wanted it to. Smoking wasn't either, & costing me money which went to companies wosee owners were lying to the public, including us customers, for years, too. I got angry about that.

Before then my reasons were vague & I made no firm commitment to myself to once & for all, quit those things.

that's why I think making a very firm decision, for yourself, (no-one else), for definite reasons.

Maybe one of your goals is getting your home clean & tidy, & maintaining it in (what you define as) reasonable condition.

Maybe you will need help to get the ball rolling.?

Maybe writing down why to regularly clean & tidy. How will it feel to achieve that? I think, like for me, asking, who am I doing this for, is also an important question.

Making big changes isn't easy. Making small changes is easier.

Effort is not a failure, either. Maybe what you plan for a day is a little too much, so you don't get it all done. Amend that plan to a two-day plan. ??

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Paw Prints]

Hello Dools, Grandy, mmMekitty, 

Thank you for your support & suggestions, I really do appreciate it.

Grandy I haven't set myself "to do" dates with my list of things because as you say that could be overwhelming or just add to my depression if I didn't meet that timeline. I've listed the things that need doing or that I want to do as things to aim for. My writing down what activities I do each day will include simple things like getting out of bed, having breakfast etc, as well as any progress I make with my "to do's". I will also be noting things I do that I wish I didn't, like eating lollies & my moods. What I am hoping is that I might see any patterns or habit responses so I can be aware of when & what & perhaps why I do things.

Kitty I have been trying to lose weight for so long as I know that a lot of the pain I have is exacerbated by my excess weight. Plus I have a number of health issues including an enlarged heart after a heart attack damaged it, so I really need to reduce the stresses on that. What I need to learn to do is to care for myself as well as I care for Woofa, I am very focussed on giving him a healthy diet, exercise to suit his age etc. I need to stop comforting eating & snacking plus I need to start getting exercise. I ate healthily & had a healthy weight up until 30 odd years ago, things have gone downhill since as my mental heath deteriorated. So now I'm trying to convince myself I can do it again. 

Hugs

Paws

[mmMekitty]

Hello Paws, woofa & everyone

It's been a while, so I'm wondering how you are going with your lists; how's your aim been? I hope you've been hitting some targets.

Sometimes I feel the progress is so slow. When I think that I remind myself what my ultimate goal is & what the downside will look like if I do not persist & keep going.

I think exercising with someone, maybe a friend, or if there is a group you can join, helps immensely. I have my support worker helping me use the gym equipment, setting them up, counting repetitions & watching the time. She encourages me too. NDIS pays for the support worker, but not the gym fees. NDIS also pays for the session I have doing hydrotherapy with an exercise physiologist, who acts like a trainer, too. But while they don't pay for the group exercise classes, NDIS pays for my support worker to help me participate in them.

I realise, doing exercise alone at home is really quite difficult to sustain, so I am very happy NDIS pays for some of what I need to get myself fit & strong, so maybe I can minimise the chances of more cancers developing in the future.

Who is going to care more if I get another cancer than I will? No-one.

I guess it's about how we think about what we are doing & what we want to do & achieve. Maybe I am tying my brain cells in knots to make me accept I have to do this because no-one will, no-one can do for me, but me - if that works, ain't that great?! I can live with with some mixed up brain cells.

Schnozbops & hugzies

mmMekitty

[Paw Prints]

Hello mmMekitty,

I have only achieved a part of one item on the long list of one off items, but I have managed not to beat myself up over not achieving more which is an improvement of sorts. I have managed to do some of the repetitive things which is good & I had a lovely long chat with a relative I rang. I've been doing lots of jigsaws which I do to settle myself & I've had a valid excuse for being up all night lately as I've been watching the test cricket which I enjoy. Yes I am one of those strange creatures who enjoy test cricket, though I'm not such a fan of T20 or one day cricket. Other than that I've been spending far too much time in bed, though Woofa has ensured I get up every two hours to attend him with his wandering about. I swear he has an internal clock.

Speaking of his Woofiness, he had his 10th birthday which he celebrated by getting some yummy prime mince beef. I definitely got that look of disapproval the next day when he didn't get any mince with his kibble. 

I don't think exercising with someone else would suit me at present, apart from the long distance I would have to travel to join any group, I need to do my exercise in very small bites at present as simply walking about for a few minutes can set my heart rate soaring & leave me short of breath. Yes I am that unfit & overweight.

I have been following your shenanigans on Croix's iceberg, I think I need to pop on there & have a word with that LRC & her sidekick ER.

Hugs

Paws

[mmMekitty]

Happy Birthday Woofa! Extra schnozbops for you! & I will lay beside you & purr especially nice for you when you want to relax & snooze a while in the sun.

Well, done, to you, Paws. Getting one thing done, & not & not beating yourself over not doing more, which I presume means, you were kind & gentle with yourself. It's good to keep up the regular routine things we do.

Jigsaws: I can imagine how you could become engrossed in them. I never felt I was any good at doing them, because everyone else in my family seemed to find pieces that fit more quickly than I did. However, I did find drawing & painting would hold my attention & I found it was calming too, until I wanted to draw or paint something beyond my ability. Later I used my PC to make pictures, but now that is not possible for me  anymore.

Cricket: sorry, I never have enjoyed that. I recall being appalled when the commentator seemed to find the only thing to comment about was a woman in the audience who was eating ice cream. Or it was pigeons on the field.

Must go, to you, Past midnight, so goodnight Paws & Woofa,

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Bearing what you say about your fitness & weight & certain health concerns, maybe it would be best to get advice about how to proceed with exercise. I don't like the idea of overwhelming your body & your heart in particular. I'm not sure how & where to get good advice where you live. Your GP, of-course, ought to be the one to help you with finding help.

I know it sounds odd, but it seems GPs don't seem to know much about diet or exercise, because whenever I've brought up the subject, they are reluctant to say much else other than eat less & exercise more, & maybe they will offer a referral to a dietician.

I'm glad Woofa gets you up & keeps you moving. 

[Paw Prints]

Hello mmMekitty, 

I wouldn't expect the GPs here to know anything about diet or exercise, they are pretty useless about most things. After my heart attack I was shown how to begin to exercise & how do it safely. Then again when I was an out patient of the MH unit one of the things they had me attend was an exercise/diet consultation. What I need to do is to regularly do the exercises I've been shown, which is what I haven't been doing.

Thankfully I never did jigsaws with other people, I can understand it putting you off doing them. I am envious of you being able to paint. The average 3 year old can paint better than I will ever manage, I just can't get proportions right when I try to draw or paint.

I would regularly mute the sound when watching cricket because of the commentators talking about everything except the game being played. I've found it is better now, since they added female commentators to the mix they now focus on the game.

Hugs

Paws

[mmMekitty]

Hi Paws & Woofa

Sorry it's been almost a week since your last post here. I think I'm relying too much on people supporting my posts, so I'll get a notification when they do, which acts as a reminder to me, thats helping me to keep in contact with at least some people here. Too much slips my mind ... all I can do is apologise.

When I could paint, I was not accurate about proportions or perspective - these things take a keen eye, much careful observation & practice to build these skills. I would certainly have liked to be technically a much better painter than I was. I had got caught up in trying to make the painting look like image in my head, rather than allowing for more spontaneous expression. & that is also something I would have liked to do - just allow myself to paint without being so critical of what everything looked like - to let the painting be more about expression of the feeling, which was why I'd wanted to paint in the first place.

I might not like it, but I did benefit from seeing someone, a GP, a Physiotherapist,  or even my support worker, who could ask me regularly about how I was doing with the exercises I was given after my surgery. Now that doesn't happen so often, it's become more difficult to keep myself getting up & doing some of the exercises here on my own. 

It' was suggested to myself & my support workers, that they could assist me when they come to my place, or even just to ask, but that hasn't happened, & won't unless I have more time, like before or after going out, when I can remind them of the exercises & to ask them myself.

I don't know - going to have to work something out somehow...

Hugzies & schnozbops

mmMekitty

[Ggrand]

Dear Paws, mmMeKitty and everyone…..🤗..

A very happy birthday to gorgeous Woofa….sorry a bit late..

Very well done Paws, doing any thing off your list is a step forward to the job…there’s no hurry sweetheart…when the time is right and when you’re ready to do the next on your list…is good enough….I have learnt that each thing we do is a huge achievement for us…..I’m pleased you didn’t beat yourself up….a little bit of self care and compassion goes a long way towards self like/love….

I admire you for being able to do jigsaws…I have tried many times but after I get the edges done….I’m done😂…and end up re boxing it and donating it to my work place….Paws, exercise at your own pace, a little walk, even a few minutes is better then zero minutes…my exercise comes from my volunteer job, the days I don’t volunteer I just eith lay around or sit around playing internet games or watching tv…I am nearly 25 kilos overweight and definitely need to work on loosing it….motivation isn’t existing for exercising…plus I like the wrong kind of food😢….

Paws, you can only do, what you can do…which is more then okay…..

Sending my love, care and hugs beautiful friends🌈🦋💕🤗…

Grandy.