Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Paws & everyone

I think days of extreme heat get to just about everyone, including our furry friends. It makes no sense to be down on yourself because you couldn't get done everything you had hoped to do.

On the hottest days, even where I am, near the in south-east Qld, inner city suburban, where temperatures rarely go above 36 (I'm not sure if we had even one of those this summer) I find myself thinking how I'd like to sleep all through the hottest part of the day, be awake all night instead, & feel more comfortable - maybe. Oddly, though, I often subjectively feel hotter during the night than I feel during the day.

But I wouldn't feel comfortable making lots of noise during the night either, no matter how noisy my neighbours are.

When I came to this Discussion of yours today, the page opened to page 4 (Newest to Oldest) where you were having a very difficult time of it. & arrf, my memory, I want to ask you if you are still feeling that terrible dread & the associations with losses in your life? Do you have a therapist to talk through these thoughts & feeling?

I wonder how to stop something having such painful associations?

I think, being able to practice doing the housework, for instance, for as long as we can without the association being triggered, & when it does, to take a break, & remembering our breathing & calming practices, & tackling it again.

I think maybe that was what happened when I had someone come in to help, & we were talking & I did some myself, while distracted by the talking, & wasn't triggered. I hadn't even consciously noticed.

It's only recently, because my sight keeps getting worse & I want mor clear space on my kitchen counter, so I don't lose track of what is there & find things easier, that I am doing some of my own washing up. I only have my home help once a week, so I have to do some. 

It dawned on me a few weeks ago that I haven't felt the old feelings & thoughts like I had done before. I feel a sense of freedom; my (ex-)sep-mother isn't there, hovering over my shoulder criticising, making me feel so hopeless & useless.

I can't tell you what the links are between those thoughts, feelings & doing housework are for you. 

You might like to create another association, one you like, such as some music to play while doing housework? 

Big hugzies

mmMekitty

[Paw Prints]

Hello mmMekitty,

Unfortunately being rural means any mental health professionals are thin on the ground here... I stopped seeing my last psych before covid because she spent more time talking about her beliefs than trying to help me... I know back then the other two psychs in my area had closed their books to new clients... so I'm trying to work through things by myself... that is why at the moment I am trying to do at least one small bit of housework every day with the aim to slowly increase what I can do without being triggered... back when I was in hospital they suggested small steps for trying to make any change for other issues so I'm hoping it will help with this.

Paws

[mmMekitty]

Hi Paws & Woofa

Have you spoken to your GP about seeing someone via telehealth? Being in a rural area, I'm sure you can, whether you want to talk to a psychologist using a Mental Health Care Plan or talk to a psychiatrist or psychologist as a private patient, with the help of Medicare, all via your phone, or laptop/PC. Some people use their phones, like I do, using FaceTime or Zoom, which is more often via computer, with a camera.

I am aware there are websites around which offer to set up people with therapists, & other medical practitioners, but I'm not sure about using them. I have wondered how do they make money unless they are charging fees of the medical practitioners, who pass it onto the patients.  I have no idea how good these services are. how referrals are made, nothing really.

I would suggest talking to your GP about what options are open to you, or call Medicare, & ask questions, maybe several phone calls, to learn a little at a time. They are on Ph: 132 011, amytime.

Of-course you can continue to talk here, or phone BB's Counselling Service to help you whenever you stumble. We'll be here.

Maybe what you can do is look at only a part of one room, or target some certain aspect, like, I'm tidying up the books today, for example.

Have you tried putting music on while you work?  Try various types of music. Maybe something bright & bouncy, or would you like something to help you to stay calm, so it would be a gentle & warm sound you want? I suppose yu don't like the idea of having someone there to talk to while the both of you tackle some of the housework. I think of it because I was surprised how helpful having someone to talk to during the housework helps me.

Hugzies

mmMekitty. 

[Paw Prints]

Hello mmMekiity, wave to all,

I live in a mobile grey spot so telehealth isn't an option... family are used to our phone calls dropping out constantly with us having to wait for signal to come back to continue our call... my internet is via the mobile network so that also constantly drops out...  no nbn out here other than by satellite which is way too expensive for me... I'm doing better than some around here with connectivity... the lass who delivers my mail has to get in the car & drive 5km up the road to get any signal where she lives in the neighbouring valley... 

My doing housework hasn't been going well... but I'm trying to count each day as a new start rather than getting upset with myself for not managing any... I've actually been dreaming about doing housework this week... I wish it was as easy & pain free in real life as it is in my dreams... ok enough grumbling from me.. (I have done a bit today)

Yayyy the really hot weather has gone away after a cool change swung through yesterday earlier than expected... I shouldn't really complain, it has been a very mild summer here... yesterday was only our second total fire ban day this year... I do feel sorry for everyone still having to cope with the continuing heat... 

Woofa is lucky he's cute... 4:30 this morning he decided it was time for me wake up & feed him... which he let me know by barking at his bowl... at that hour I woke thinking he had cornered some animal like a snake... his look of innocence when I asked him what he was barking at didn't fool me... it was him doing the barking.

hugs for everyone who would like one

Paws

[mmMekitty]

"Oh, doh" I think,my brain doesn't put things together very well sometimes. My sis has problems with her mobile & internet connects too. Sorry for that, Paws. You are right. Unless you have a huge chunk of gold you can use to pay for a satalite dish, telehealth isn't much use to you.

I agree, 4:30am is way too early! Doesn't Woofa take into account it isn't light yet, at that time, unless it's Xmas?

That's good thinking, too, to 'reset' when the planned housekeeping doesn't go well. Right now, though, just look at what you did achieve, point to it & say, "Yes, I did do that, & it's good. I like what I did today, & it feels good." Put on some happy music & give Woofa a cuddle, play a little too, to reinforce some good feelings around when you achieve getting some housework done. Poo-pooo those other thoughts & feelings. The conscious thoughts & feelings you can create around housekeeping will help, for sure .. I do these things myself, (except cuddling Woofa - well, I can imagine, maybe, using a fluffy toy cat I have). Can you take credit for what you achieve? That's what I'm asking. [LRC agrees, purring at me]

Very warm in my flat, because I was waiting for my groceries, with the door partially open, so I would hear them - who came late... & I forgot the to close the lounge window earlier. I let in so much very warm air today. I hope there will be a cooling breeze soon, when I open up again to let that in.

Hugzies & nosebops 

mmMekitty

[Paw Prints]

I'm stressing at the moment... I have discovered I have two feral kittens in my car port... they are old enough to wander about & thereby be seen by Woofa who alerted me to them being here.... I've tried my council & the neighbouring one... neither has cat traps available for at least another month... my vet can't help though the vet nurse did ring around trying to find one for me, which was kind of her... & the rspca don't catch feral cats... I think I will just have to try to catch the kittens by hand tomorrow & put them in a box to take to the vet... there is no chance of me catching the cat itself without a cage... but I can't leave the kittens where they are... 

[mmMekitty]

Dear Paws

Yeah, that is distressing. I had a kitten turn up at my back door a few years ago. she came in easily enough, & I might have lured her by offering food. As it was, I kept her inside, playing & I took a few photos of her too, & as hard as it was, phoned a vet - not the vet I'd been to with Mekitty, because they said they couldn't come to get her, so I had to find another vet. I ca't recall if I had called the RSPCA.. The vet who arrive had to look around for her, when she came, but it wasn't too difficult to find her. 

It was an awful morning, & also, because she was such a wonderful kitten, so lovely having her here, too, but it broke my heart to realise I couldn't keep her.

It's sad & makes me cry just to think about it.

I'm so sorry Paws, you have to deal with this, & it will be very difficult.

My post is four hours after yours, so you may have caught the kittens already. If so, you can disregard the rest of this post.

No need to tell you to keep Woofa away from the car port.

I suppose, there is no mother cat around.

Have your box ready.

I'm not sure how old the kittens are that you have in your car port, but if sound like they are old enough, & likely hungry enough, to be lured with some warmed up mince. You could, being gentle, get them to trust you. Then, you might pick each one up in each hand & put them in the box together. If you only get hold of one, the other might run off & hide. While trying to lure out the second kitten, the first may become distressed.

The two may become distressed when in the box, too.

Big hugzies,

mmMekitty

[Paw Prints]

Hello mmMekitty,

I got up early to try to catch the kittens before they woke up, but we are fogged in here & with the fog being so thick I don't want to drive in it... I will have to wait till it clears before I try catching them as I don't want to stress them by having them in the box longer than I need too... I've got a big enough box & have put an old towel in the bottom...

Thank you for the mince idea... I didn't think of using food... I do have a tin of tuna I might try to lure them with if necessary... I will take things slow & gentle so as not to scare them...

Paws

[Paw Prints]

Kitten update...

I've now counted 3 possibly 4 or more kittens... they are hiding in a wall cavity between the carport & the shed... so I will only be able to catch them when they venture out... they are super fast & very easily spooked... it is going to be harder to catch them than I hoped... I did put some tuna out & two of them ventured over & were eating it like they hadn't eaten for awhile... I sat out there for an hour & the slightest move on my part sends them scurrying to hide... I will go back out soon to just sit & let them get used to me being about... this might take a few days...

[mmMekitty]

How are you going, Paws?

I wish I had something more to suggest. I am sorry I don't. 

Hugzies

mmMekitty