Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Paw Prints]

Hello everyone,

LRC Woofa is way too special to demolish mere shoes... his object of choice as a puppy was chewing the corners off all my wooden furniture... buffets, tables, chest of drawers etc... now he is getting on (don't tell him that) his go to destruction is remaking my bed to suit him... I used to have some very soft lovely pure wool blankets which he redesigned into streamers of material... & he freed the feathers from the feather quilt... of course he doesn't damage the cheap throws I now use... he just un-makes & re-makes my bed to build himself a comfy nest... I've given up making it properly... 

hmmmm? I was wondering about his new obsession of needing to have my dressing gown to sleep on?..  should I be suspicious about a little red cat whispering in his ears?????

I saw a wedge tailed eagle up close today when I went out to fill my bird bath... it was in the paddock next to my place just by the fence line... gosh they are so big... the wingspan is amazing... they are such beautiful creatures... usually I only see them flying hereabouts... often riding the thermal air columns in the mornings... I can see why they are at risk from cars... it was so slow getting into the air from a ground start... 

Sorry I haven't been on bb much lately... haven't been in a good headspace... 

Hugs 

Paws

[Paw Prints]

I've really been struggling over the past few weeks... my house isn't just untidy... its a major mess... things that were moved when the snake catcher was here looking for the snake are still where they ended up... that was before xmas!... I've done nothing about any of it... used cups are rinsed but just left on the sink/benches needing a proper wash as have been the mugs when I ran out of clean cups... empty packets/boxes/junk mail have just adorned any surface they have happened to be left on... the dog hair has formed drifts around the floors in every room... the floors need scrubbing as do the windows... every room needs cleaning... that is before all the half finished jobs even get started... the tiling is still not done, nor have the doors been painted or the laundry's painting finished... plus add on all the things that need doing outside... 

It has reached a point where it scares me that I've let things get this bad... so today I tried to do some housework by setting myself very small goals & having a jigsaw puzzle to do between bursts as a way of settling my thoughts... I have managed to do multiple sinks full of dishes & cleared & cleaned some bench space... I've also put the clean dishes away & gone through the lounge putting all the books that have piled up about the sofa back in the bookshelf where they belong... & just clearing away some of the clutter... there is still some of today left so still time to get more done.

I need to put this here... I'm embarrassed/ashamed about how I've let things slip so badly... today is day one of making changes... I need to document it otherwise the days will just blend together & I'll find more weeks have passed with no change... putting it here means I have a permanent reminder/prompt to keep doing more.

Healthier eating/exercise are still aims... doing all this cleaning is a start for the exercise... 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Paws,

Please don’t be so hard on yourself beautiful friend….It’s okay Paws, it really is…my house is a mess and even though I feel ashamed of it..I can’t seem to tidy up much at all….I decluttered most of my mugs, plates, glasses etc to only 6 of each…that way, I have to wash my dinner things up at least 3 times a week….or buy paper plates….no one ever comes to my home, so I have enough for me…😁.

Paws, it’s hard sweetheart….It really is..to motivate ourselves enough to clean, especially when it’s just us living in our house….You’re doing your best dear Paws, and that’s all you can do…

I do find though, that if my kitchen is on the clean side the rest of the house doesn’t seem to bad…well done tackling your washing up and putting things away…you done very well…but please don’t try to do everything in one day or you will get a sort of burnout…Maybe paws, set an hour or two a day to do something…then relax for the rest of the day…maybe you could try to kind of make an easy daily routine for yourself….without really having a list of things to do….I find if I make lists of things I need to do…it overwhelms me too much and I don’t know what job to do first, don’t know where to start and more then not, I’ll just look at my list and cry….

Not sure if you’ve checked out the thread…”Depression and our daily routine, we need to get it back”….it has some good ideas about setting  ourselves a daily routine for house cleaning, sleeping and more…if you’re feeling up to to…and want to, maybe something in that thread might help you in some way….

You’re doing the best you can, and that’s more then good enough….please be gentle on your beautiful self…

Thinking of you with kindness, care and sending you and gorgeous Woofa big hugs..

Grandy..

[Paw Prints]

Hello Grandy,

Thank you for being here for me... I do appreciate it...

I woke this morning with a shocker of a headache... it was not helped by how hot it got here today... thankfully the otc pain meds have worked & it is finally gone... I have managed to do a couple of little things, but I'm not pushing myself this evening...

I did look at the Routine thread & I see I was the last person to comment on it back in 2021... I had lost my link to it with the forum changes... I re-read it & it is a great thread with a lot of helpful ideas... I do remember how when I was in hospital they said how important a routine is... I wish it was as easy to get into good routines/habits as it is to get into bad ones... I don't even have to try with my bad habits. 🙄

Hugs

Paws

[smallwolf]

Hey Paws,

Sounds the worst having a headache like you described. I recall writing a story in a few places about a sheep in a paddock... and flip flops between 2 paths. This is in relation to routines and doing something or not. Please don't be hard on yourself for not finding the routines just yet. I am hopeful you will get there in time 

[mmMekitty]

Hey Paws (& Woofa)

I'm sorry I don't get around BB so much eiher.

I have had a long-standing problem with housework. It really got bad at one point, when I was unable to remove rubbish.

Eventually instead of being evicted, I hired some help to remove the rubbish, which I had bagged. Yes, I felt embarrassed, ashamed & Humiliated, although the removalists I hired were entirely professional & made no comment within my hearing about the job I had them do.

It wasn't long after that I moved anyway. In the next place, I still had problems with the housework, but I did manage to remove rubbish.

When I moved again, I don't suppose the 'State Gov Housing' people were much impressed with my effort to leave the place clean.

Here, where I am now, when I wanted to get a cat, I also had to make a huge effort to get my place ready for Mekitty, when she came. I didn't want the place to be untidy, dirty or unsafe for her. I realised I needed help to keep up with our needs.

& first I wanted help with some decluttering. I was seeing a Psychiatrist (this one was not for so long), who was helpful with such practical things & helped me find someone to get the decluttering done. & from there, helped me get regular support in my home. 

Well, NDIS does pay for this help I still have. My place is not so awful looking now & I don't feel like it's too much to bear to see around me. I'm doing some myself, but need their help to keep up. 

& I've always wondered just why it is so easy for 'bad' habits to form, while 'good' habits take so much effort?

My eating breakfast every morning, (a relatively new habit), came about more easily when I made a decision based on looking after me better, quitting coffee, needing something to replace my morning ritual = Breakfast!  I used to find it so hard to do before, but now, suddenly, it's easy.

I think there's a theory that says how our homes look reflect our psychological state of mind, how we feel inside & how we feel about ourselves; our homes being as an extension of ourselves.

We get help with ourselves, why not our homes, too?

Wgat do you reckon?

Hmm, your dressing gown has a lot of your scent on it & Woofa likes being near you. Comfort?

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Doolhof]

Hello Everyone,

I have read back through a few posts here. I want to thank everyone for so openly sharing your struggles and your successes. 

End of last year I had 3 days of work taken from me. I have been struggling with the adjustment. I have all this time at home now and struggle even more than ever to accomplish what I would like to do housework wise and for my own pleasurable activities.

Like others have mentioned it all seems to overwhelming. I try to make a list that is achievable, look at it like others have mentioned and just walk away to read a book, wander aimlessly in the garden or watch T.V. I am not really sure what is going on in my mind.

I'm becoming a bit of a recluse since the cutting of my shifts and have not ventured out to try to connect with friends. I am having trouble trusting people I think as work mates and people related to work discredited me.

I know I need to change my thinking, find motivation, be thankful for what I do have and discover ways to move forward.

Soon I am going for my walk. I will then clean the bathroom on my return. I will put the cleaning stuff out ready for when I get home. Right, I have a plan!

Wishing you all well with endeavouring to find ways to achieve a balance. Regards form Dools

[Paw Prints]

Hello Grandy, Smallwolf, mmMeKitty, Dools,

Dools I'm sorry to hear your hours have been cut... to lose 3 days is a lot in one go... I'm not surprised you are having trouble adjusting... including having trust issues... it must feel like a major betrayal especially as I get the impression the work is still there but now being done by someone else... 

mmMekitty... I don't want to get anyone to help me keep up with my housework... apart from my not liking having strangers in my house... I want to be able to manage by myself as long as I physically can & I need the exercise/movement housework gives me... yes doing things now takes ages longer than it used too & it hurts... but it is good for me to do it myself... now I just have to convince my missing in action motivation & my misbehaving mind... I would love to get help with the outside of my house though... just odd jobs like cleaning gutters/mowing/clearing out clutter... I've found that being rural makes it surprisingly hard to get trades people... especially when I say I'm on 2 acres (plus 1 acre of roadside reserve) they just aren't interested... 

Well I spent most of Wednesday/Thursday/Friday in bed.... not a great follow-up to my starting anew... but I did manage to get more things done last night... & I mean night... I started at about 2am... I surprised myself with how much I got done... I cleaned my fridge inside & out... washed all the cupboard fronts... did more dishes... cleared the last of the bench space... & put lots of things away or in the bin... I can look at my kitchen now & it looks clean & organised... I'm really tired now so once I feed Woofa at noon I'm going to have a nanna nap...

hugs

Paws

[mmMekitty]

Hi Paws

Well done on the kitchen cleaning!

I like my privacy. I have been very uncomfortable with people entering my home. I never wanted people in to help; it was that I needed to permit this help to happen.

I try to do wat I can,

Recently, I realised what you know already, about how much exercise doing some housework gives us, so I'd like to try to do more again.

However, it leaves me feeling more pain, & wrecked about afterwards. So, it doesn't feel good. Feeling pain & exhaustion is a disincentive to me, too. I'd like to change my perception about being tired or in pain because of effort & exercise, so it wouldn't feel bad, almost like a punishment. In this state of mind, I don't appreciate my effort or achievements.

Still a lot of work to do on me.

One goal I have is to not actually run out of dishes before I will tackle them... & therefore, won't have so many to do, too, by the way. I'm okay with breaking up that chore into smaller parts as well, when I need to, because my back hurts, fore example. It's okay to have to do it in three smaller lots, with the breaks in between.

My new vacuum cleaner is quieter, so I am wanting to do some of that for myself, too. Primarily around those areas where it gets dirty quickly. Kitchen, around my desk & table. I can do that without hurting myself too much. Because I have someone coming in once a week, if I miss some, it's okay.  My main point here, is: I'm not breating myself in ways like my (ex-)step-mother had, & if I'm not careful, will still do in my head.

I hope you appreciate your own efforts, Paws.

I'm also working on the idea that it doesn't matter because it's just for us - as if doing something for ourselves isn't worth the time or effort, what??!!

I challenge that. We are worth the time & effort. You deserve a clean home, just like anyone else does.

I hope you are able to find someone to help with the outside areas. Looking outside here, I wish we had people who cared enough to keep it nice & tidy, both those hired to mow & trim bushes & the neighbours who litter everywhere... I'm tempted myself, but I don't have the funds to pay for someone to care for the whole property. That would be expensive. for me.

Hugzies & nosebumps where appropriate.

mmMekitty

[Paw Prints]

Hello mmMekitty, wave to everyone,

Well I didn't have that nap, but I didn't get any more done either... 

I find the pain & exhaustion from doing stuff a disincentive too... I'm trying to keep reminding myself what my old doctor used to tell me... that as I do more I will get fitter & hopefully lose weight... strengthening my muscles should help support my back & joints better... losing weight should take some of strain off & make moving easier & less painful...

The above bit of this post is what was autosaved from the start of my reply I did earlier this week... there was more to the post & it did say it was submitted successfully... where it went I don't know.

Hugs

Paws