Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I hope me mentioning about setting an alarm to get up early didn't make you worry more about the bin? I don't know if this would help, but I sometimes find it helpful to imagine something going well before it happens and it can create an inner confidence that things will work out well. I know athletes do that at times, where they visualise doing that precise Olympic dive or jumping over all the hurdles in a race fast and consistently before doing it. It's sort of like actualising something in your mind beforehand which can help to alleviate present anxiety about future outcomes. When you mentioned the snail, I had this mental picture of a snail wearing a little athlete's jersey with a number on it as if in a race, surging ahead at a snail's equivalence of warp speed 🐌🤣 I've just invented a character called Zoomy the Snail 😆 But I do think it is good you took care with the small steps. I understand completely as I am also very tentative since my fall. I've been feeling doddery on my legs. I guess with fitness, you could start setting small goals with whatever works for you. I have been known to put on music and dance around, though with my doddery state not quite up to that right now. But even starting with 5 minutes gentle movement to music might be helpful.

I was considering moving back to Perth as one possibility, but it just doesn't feel right. I think part of it is Perth holds too many difficult memories for me. Each time I go there I'm reminded of them all over the place, like I sort of can't get away from them. It's like I'm really wanting a fresh start. When I think about moving to Melbourne I feel an impetus and energy towards it. I've started to look at things like events in certain areas. When I found a particular suburb I really liked in Melbourne last year, I already noticed things like a local music venue with open mic nights and it had a sense of a vibrant community and village-like feel to the place. I met someone doing bird photography there actually in the nearest nature zone. There were quite a variety of birds. I was reluctant to get back on the train to go back into the city, not because I don't like the city (I really enjoy central Melbourne) but because I found this suburb peaceful and welcoming. I even went in and spoke to a local real estate agent when I was there. The city is not far from there in time either and Melbourne has better public transport connection than Perth. It is also much better connected regionally as well if you want to use the train or buses.

Yes, thank you, I remember you mentioning how you didn't get some things done before selling as it wasn't worth it. There would certainly be some things I would leave doing here. There would be others that I'd probably have to do. I think I know the real estate agent I'd work with here too, and he'd be pretty good I think at telling me what's worth doing and not doing. The thought of getting rid of most of what I own and starting afresh is actually really liberating. I feel weighed down here and that it's not where I want to be long term. I remember in the first few years of renting I could move all my possessions easily in my small hatchback car, as my early rentals were all furnished so I didn't need much. It was so, so much easier. I am craving simplicity with more time to be in life and feel connected. I also feel like a neurodiverse person like me with my plural identities would much more likely find like-minded souls in Melbourne. I would feel less like an oddball and not like I have to mask so much because I think there would be safer, more inclusive spaces and opportunities...

[Eagle Ray]

Sorry, ran out of room. Hope it's ok to add the last paragraph here...

With the types of parrots that visited yesterday, they don't always stay around like that when I am there. Sometimes if I just walk near the glass sliding door and they are out there they fly away. But other times they don't. I'm not sure what the difference is, but yesterday I was out there gardening already when they first showed up. That's when I went and got my telephoto lens. It was almost as if I was part of the furniture already so they decided I was fine. Do you have a chair where you can sit outside? I am wondering if you are just out there doing something like reading a book or having a cup of tea, that they might just show up and be fine with you there. I love the fact that you have a Magpie Lark singing his heart out on your back verandah 💗 I hope he finds his soul mate 💞

Take care and I really hope you have a lovely sleep tonight Paws.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I'm chuckling away here at the mental image of Zoomy the Snail 🐌🏁

No lass you didn't stress me out by mentioning using an alarm clock.  I stressed myself out over the fact that I hadn't put the bin out last month & I really couldn't go another month not having it emptied.  By the by... I can't use alarm clocks... I find if I set an alarm I will sleep through it...  normally if I'm keeping regular hours & I'm not stressing myself out, I simply wake a bit before the time I need to.  

I can understand your reasoning about not wanting to have the negative memories that Perth would hold for you.  You have definitely given much longer thought about where to move than I gave to moving here.  You have also gained a much better idea of what you need to live a more fulfilling life since you moved to where you currently live & it is not as if you would be jumping blind.  That you spoke to a real estate agent the last time you were in the Melbourne area shows I think that deep down you had probably already had serious doubts about moving back to Perth.  The important thing is... and as a Melbournian by birth I do have to ask... can you cope with ☀☂❄🌬🌡4 seasons in one day 😁

Yes I am up & awake much too late.  The not sleeping Tuesday night has thrown me back out of wack.  I will head off to bed shortly & hope that I can nod off.

I have had birds ignore my presence when I have been sitting outside, but if I've moved they would disappear.  I am amazed that you were able to go & get your camera & return without them taking off.  Where I used to live there were magpies that nested nearby & were completely unfazed by a human, but that was because my elderly neighbour fed & sat outside talking to them daily.  None of the birds here have become that inured to me, but then I don't feed them.  

hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Yes, go Zoomy 😂🐌🏎️

It’s good you can sometimes wake up at the right time if you are not stressed without an alarm. I am the opposite in that I will quite likely sleep through when I need to get up if I don’t have an alarm. But I relate to having something the next day and having some anxiety about it interfering with sleep. I’m trying to learn self-soothing techniques. Since realising I’m a dissociative system, this has actually helped. I have an internal team now I can call on who provide support. It doesn’t always work out smoothly because sometimes one of them is going through something difficult, but then my focus turns to supporting them, which I guess takes the focus away from what I’m worried about. I’m living in a different world now as I become conscious of this system. I think though that even for people who don’t have this level of dissociative separation, it can help to call on an internal self-caring part and feel support from that part of self. I know that can take some practice though.

Yes, I’ve thought about the four seasons in one day in Melbourne. I know it can still get very hot there as well as very cold. I’ve read it has a more humid heat than Perth too without Perth’s lovely afternoon sea breezes that come in. But Perth is getting hotter and the summers are getting longer, and the hot weather tends to persist over more days at a time. I think for me the need for social connection is strong and I feel it will be easier in Melbourne. I found people so friendly there when I’ve been there before. I’m also aware though of the “grass is greener” syndrome and that it won’t solve everything for me overnight. But it instinctively feels right at the moment. My friend’s son moved there a few years ago and lives in central Melbourne and just loves it. He is neurodiverse and was struggling in Perth. I feel like I’m looking for a place I can sort of find myself and be myself. I grew up almost negating my own existence and hardly being able to see myself. My focus was on caring for others. I’m trying to learn how to live my life more for me. I think that’s partly why I mentally and physically crashed when I moved here, as my focus was still on others and it was the only option my nervous system had left, which was to take me down and say you have to stop and re-orient your life.

I hope you managed to get to sleep. I read about some stormy weather in Victoria including cold spells with snow in various places. I hope the weather is not too full on where you are and you are keeping warm. It was forecast cloudy today but I’m sitting outside in beautiful sunshine. I’m taking a break from vacuuming. I’ve had bouts of depression yesterday afternoon and this afternoon as well. So I’m self-caring and trying to feel better in the sun and it’s working a bit.

I was also surprised the parrot’s didn’t seem bothered at all when I went indoors and came back outside with my camera. I understand them seeing me as part of the furniture when they first arrived and I was tentative when I came back out with the camera, staying in the vicinity of the sliding door. But it’s like I wasn’t even there. I’m really not sure why at other times they are flighty and sometimes aren’t at all. I don’t feed the birds either but I think the previous owners here did. Actually, correction, I did once feed some Twenty Eight Parrots pieces from a mandarin I was eating, but the same mandarins they were eating directly off the tree anyway. They came right up to me like they were expecting it, so I’m almost sure they’ve been fed before. But otherwise I don’t feed native birds.

If you want to see something cute, the CTAD Clinic just posted a video entitled “Spending a lunchtime with the Clinic Cats”. Four of them are sitting in a row making munching noises as they eat 😹 The clinic really gets how important animals are to mental health and it’s so nice they include these videos.

Take care and big hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Well I still haven't made it to bed yet despite saying I was going to go to bed straight after my last post.  

The main rain fronts have by-passed me all day, with just a few brief showers.  There is meant to be a major front coming through this evening & the rain is building as I type, but I'm hoping most of it will miss.  It has been bitterly cold & my heater has been on all day.

I don't think you need to worry about the grass is greener syndrome, you have been far too clearheaded about weighing up what has & hasn't worked with your move to your current home.  Plus I feel you have gained such insights into your overall physical & mental health over recent times that you are in a much better place to see clearly what type of social interactions you need to thrive. Honestly if I thought you were thinking Melbourne would be an immediate panacea from the get go, I would feel the need to try to dissuade you until you had given it more thought.  That thankfully isn't the case, as you are quite clear that you realise it will take time to find your feet in a new place.  

I had another look at wearable emergency/fall alert devices today.  When I last looked they were all 4G & with the network changing to 5G I decided to wait until after the changeover before looking again.  They are all still 4G, I would be better off getting a smart watch with fall detection or alert functions.  I spoke to my sister today & she has a smart watch with those features, so when we catch up at a family do in October I will check hers out & see if it might suit me.  

Well done with putting your self care ahead of doing chores.  I hope the sunshine lasted & you were able to tune your nervous system into the flow of the nature around you.

I've got a sudden craving for a big mug of hot chocolate... I think the rain drumming on the roof has something to do with that.😁  

Huggily hugs lass

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I hope you have managed to eventually get some sleep. I also hope you are doing ok with the weather as I've read how it has been wild in parts of Victoria and that there has been some damage. I'm hoping the worst of it bypassed you.

I want to visit Melbourne again to investigate further. I have to way up costs and what I can afford. I'm also worried about my knees which took such a hit from my fall. Both have been previously injured and the fall has left them more stiff, sore and weak than they've ever been. I want to be able to actually walk around if I did visit Melbourne. I think I will go to the GP this week to investigate the knees. My whole body still feels jarred and sore actually, so it could be just a matter of time letting everything recover, but I would like to know about the structural integrity of my knees (sounds like I'm talking about a building 🤔).

That's a really good idea to have a look at your sister's smart watch. They certainly have a lot of features. It is something that is kind of natural to wear as an everyday thing. I think they can monitor things relating to sleep too, so it may even help you with looking at sleep patterns and sleep quality, if you get one. I'm not sure how it all works, but I think the health monitoring side has a few aspects to it. I imagine you can choose which features to activate.

I went on a picnic today with some family friends from a long time ago who came down to visit me. It was nice to chat with them and spend time outdoors. I did put some sunscreen and a hat on but still got a little sunburnt. It was one of those deceptive days where the UV was higher than you would think. It was a sort of typical day here where it was very calm and still, then it quickly became really breezy and cold, then it got really calm and still again.

I hope you really enjoyed your hot chocolate. I think I'll go and make myself a hot beverage now, but haven't decided what type yet. It's quite chilly here at the moment. Sending you extra warmth as I imagine it may still be chilly for you too.

Big, warm hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Yes getting you knees checked does sound sound like a wise move if you are still having issues after this amount of time.  Hopefully lass it is nothing but deep bruising from landing so hard.  It is frustrating when our bodies won't play nicely & that limits what we can do.  

The storm came through with a vengeance, the house was rattling around so much I stayed up for quite a bit longer as I honestly thought I might lose my roof.  Thankfully not & though still very strong until lunch time the next day, the worst was over by about 2am.  I nipped up to the general store yesterday afternoon, & there was debris all over the road where trees had shed small branches & had their leaves stripped off.  Lots of trees down including one on my verge & there were quite a lot of gums that had dropped large branches.  Surprisingly I didn't lose power.  Yes I did enjoy my hot chocolate & I even had a second one later while I was waiting for the storm to ease.

Did you get your table cleared in time for your visitors or did the old "put it in another room & shut the door" ploy get used?  Though if you met up outdoors for your picnic perhaps you didn't need to get it done?  I'm glad you had a lovely catch up.  You have genuinely surprised me... I can't imagine having to even think about the possibility of getting sunburnt at this time of year, not even on a sunny day.  

Stay warm

🐻hugs 

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

It can be quite unnerving when the winds are that strong. I'm very glad you still have your roof. It can certainly make it hard to sleep when all that is happening. I'm glad you didn't lose power which is always a plus in those conditions when the power has a tendency to go out. It seems like it was the last hurrah of winter. Spring is officially here today 🌸🌼🌷🌱 I hope that you have some nice calmer weather ahead.

Yes, I did get my table cleared. My goal now is to try and keep it mostly cleared. It gives a feeling of spaciousness and I'm really feeling the incentive now to get rid of as much stuff as possible to extend that feeling of spaciousness. There are things I have been hanging onto that I couldn't even go through for a long time that I brought here with me three and a half years ago. But I am actually feeling ready now to let go of much of it. Something has shifted for me internally, plus this impetus to move to Melbourne is strong, even though I don't know for sure that that is what is going to happen. But planning as if it is going to happen makes me get rid of stuff and begin to get things in order.

Although we went on a picnic the visitors did come here first, so I was at least glad I'd managed to tidy up. But in the end I'm also learning it really doesn't matter what other people think. I think the greatest value in clearing things and making things more spacious is the psychological effect it has on me, where I start to feel better. I remember the day I first arrived here and the removal truck was turning up the next day, so there was lots of space at that point, and I was dreading the removal truck arriving because I was relishing the spaciousness around me that was about to be filled up with stuff. I did well the first 6 weeks, sorting through things, then I just crashed and have struggled ever since to deal with boxes of stuff, some of it quite emotional. There are bits and pieces from projects my parents started connected to their own dreams that they never got to complete. I haven't had the heart to throw things out, but the reality is that hanging onto their incomplete dreams is getting in the way of me following my own dreams and creative potential. I am finally feeling that I can let these things go.

The sunburn was not major but when I came inside I could feel the stinging in my face and I was very pink. I checked the UV rating and it was 4 which is moderate. We were sitting outside in the open, so I think you can still get a bit burnt. It's possible too that the UV radiation is stronger here in WA than Victoria. Most of Victoria is further south than even southern WA. My visitors have just been travelling in northern WA where of course it was very warm to even a bit hot at times. They found some of it quite arid. It is certainly mostly a dry state with only pockets of greener, wetter parts in the south-west, which are in a drying pattern now. South Australia is of course also pretty dry mostly, but eastern Australia has so much more greenery and wetter environments all along the east coast. I am so unfamiliar with that part of Australia. I've never been to NSW or Queensland. But I have been to the beautiful rainforest in the Otway Ranges in Victoria which I loved, plus the very wet forests of Tasmania.

One interesting thing we saw at our picnic was a seagull eating a baby snake. I was hoping the visitors might get to see dolphins in the river, but instead it was a seagull trying to swallow the small snake. It eventually flew off with other seagulls chasing it, so I'm not sure how that one ended. The King Skinks have already been coming out here in my backyard when the sun is out and basking.

I hope you are having a lovely day Paws. I imagine you may be catching up on sleep after being kept up at night with wild weather.

Take care and big hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Well done getting your table top cleared. 👏🙃👏  It is promising that you are feeling motivated to keep it that way & even thinking about trying to make progress with going through your boxes.  I know how hard doing either of those things really is. Especially if there are emotional triggers within each box.  It would be wonderful if having a potential goal (moving to Melbourne) enables you to move through the current mental blocks that stop you.

Yes the cost of moving, plus the prices of properties in the areas you would consider moving to are a big consideration.  Thankfully the wonders of the internet make it possible to investigate these things from home as I found.  Then you can to identify areas you could afford & might like, that way you could visit & explore those places in real life & get a better idea if they would suit.  It has been over 40 years & in some cases nearly 50 years since I last visited any of the other states, so I don't have the foggiest what they would be like to live in these days.  

I knew kookaburras ate snakes, but I didn't know seagulls did.  What a fascinating thing to see.  

I had a dream last night that though it had no direct link, did make me think of something I could get for my sister for her birthday next January.  She has made a variety of things over the years, from tapestries to teddy bears & she is interested in a variety of historical items so my original thought was a model kit of an item that fitted her interests.  Wow what a range of available options to wade through.  In the end I decided against a kit as the simpler ones were just tat & the good quality ones would be better suited to someone who is very experienced in making such things & would require far more hours & hours of detailed work than I think she would enjoy.  I went down a rabbit hole as one thought led to thinking of one thing after another & eventually I actually found something that I hope she will love.  So I've bought it & hopefully it will arrive this month, which gives me plenty of time to look for something else if it isn't the quality it appeared to be.  

My good sleep habits aim has taken a pounding this last week, after not sleeping the night the bin needed to go out & then the storms.  I didn't get up until mid afternoon today. 🙄😢  But I'm not giving up as I found with better sleep patterns I managed to get more things done which is a big aim of mine.  I am finding it encouraging that you are trying to declutter & reach goals too.

Enjoy your spring weather, it is still winter here 

hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Yes, I have seen a kookaburra with a tiger snake in its beak before, but never a seagull with a snake. The snake was still very small, so very much a baby snake. I did once see a kookaburra with a bobtail lizard half swallowed. The kookaburra seemed to have caught more than it could handle and I'm not sure how that one ended.

That's so interesting about the dream giving you an idea for a gift for your sister. The internet is amazing isn't it, how it allows us to explore almost anything and look at so many options. There are definitely many rabbit-holes to go down! I'm grateful to have access to the info it can provide. It has helped me a lot, especially in relation to mental health things where I have been able to do my own research and educate myself. Not so long ago you had to go to a library and could certainly find info in books, but it did take longer and a different kind of learning. I wonder about how young people's brains may be evolving differently today because the internet is such a different way of gaining information and the more methodical book learning is almost a thing of the past. I hope the gift that you purchased turns out to be of the good quality it appeared to be.

It is totally understandable that your sleep habits were altered by the events of recent nights. Go gently and know that it will be possible to re-establish the patterns you were developing again. I do find I generally get more done with good sleep habits, but I also totally understand losing those habits. I am very much seeking to declutter now and really hoping it may finally work. For me, discovering I have dissociative identities has actually been really helpful because I can see how different parts are functioning so much more clearly. So I am able to see where someone may be stuck and can work with my team of people to help the stuck person, whether it is me (Eagle Ray) or another person in my system. As we work through things as a team, life is getting easier and things feel more possible. Even though you may not have dissociative identities as such, I wonder if there are parts of self you can identify that need support and encouragement, if you can see what such parts may need? I have found this so helpful for myself and it has freed up energy and possibility that was stifled before. It's still a work in progress and I'm not magically there yet in terms of managing and sorting everything, but I can feel the real potential now to get things done that felt so difficult before.

Today was a lovely spring day here. I wasn't organised at getting my washing done and wish I had, as I think more rain is coming this week. But I did lie outside in the sun for quite a while. I was in recovery from a migraine that I woke up with at 1:15am. It was a hormonal migraine that doesn't respond much to meds. I'm finally really starting to feel better from it tonight. I hope you may see some lovely spring weather soon 🙏🌼

Hugs,

ER