Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

You are right that some psychologists need more education about different treatments, but I think they also need to work on what they need to do to get informed consent.  I think one big issue with your EMDR experience is that your psychologist raised it & then blindsided you by implementing it without spending a lot of time discussing not just the benefits, but the possible problems.  I think if she had done that, with your self advocation, I'm sure you would have done a lot of research yourself before even considering it.   She may have also reconsidered its suitability for you.  When I had a series of ECT, I felt the benefits outweighed the possible side effects, it was an informed decision & that is important... I know others have decided differently... I'm positive it was life saving for me.  

I'm looking forward to hearing about the adventures of your stuffed toy photography.  I remember the holidaying gnome craze, there were quite a few irate gnome owners whose beloved gnomes were not returned.  Do you remember, I think it was a teddy bear, that had it's own facebook page & it travelled the world with people leaving it in one place & then someone else would take it to a new location posting photos of the trip to the facebook page.  It was amazing the variety of people willing to play along & how far it travelled.

Lots of lovely rain yesterday & last night. 🌧🌧  I'm keeping everything crossed that the rain due where you are also makes its way over here.

I hope your mechanic can sort out the problem for you & that it is something easy to fix.  Strange noises are always a worry.  My car is very overdue for a service, you have reminded me I really should book it in before something goes wrong.  I'm thinking of taking it to the local garage, who fixed my accelerator problem, rather than taking it to the big town where I usually get it done.  

I hope you managed to get more photography done between any rain showers.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

Yes, informed consent is another thing I want to raise with my psych. I’ve already spoken to her about the need to follow the guidelines for screening for dissociation before EMDR and sent her info on it which she has read and she says she’s learning from this experience. But there was no informed consent or forewarning in the session and that’s also essential. I would have researched it and almost certainly decided against it. She mentioned it a couple of times in the past and I never took it up as something had always felt intuitively wrong to me about EMDR. But she caught me off guard by suggesting we do it straight away in the middle of a session. A tendency people with complex trauma often have is to comply if asked to do something all of a sudden (fawn/appeasement response). So I think I was doing it more to make her happy, but I’d emailed before the session saying I wanted to do somatic processing for the issue I was addressing which would have been so much better and safer for me.

I feel EMDR is a similar thing to ECT because it acts quite strongly on the brain. The founder of one of the ptsd websites says EMDR can actually cause brain damage if not implemented correctly and based on the severe symptoms I had for several weeks I can say it felt very much like a brain injury. They don’t actually know the exact mechanism of how EMDR works, so that in itself concerns me because it means a lack of knowledge about how to help the brain if it goes badly wrong. I’m really glad you had success with the ECT. I expect the protocols around that are a lot more rigorous and I feel the same protocols need to be strictly in place for EMDR.

Oh, yes, I think I do remember hearing or reading about the teddy bear 🧸 It’s funny when teddy bears have their own Facebook page. Sometimes famous animals do too. For a while I was following what was happening with Sirocco the Kakapo parrot in NZ who has his own public FB page. You’ve reminded me to go and check out what he’s up to. He is a most delightful character who is the spokesbird for his rare species. He basically thinks he’s human because of how he was raised.

That’s wonderful you have the lovely rain. Some beautiful rain just started falling here. All day the sky here was impressively atmospheric, indicating rainy weather was on the way. I did some photography by the ocean this afternoon and at a lake just before sunset. My car service itself was straight forward. They couldn’t hear the noise but later this afternoon I could hear it again. Not sure what to do with that. Sigh. They also identified lots of issues that will be about $1500 in total to address. They recommend the radiator and drive belt be done as a priority before the next service. If you feel happy with the help you had from your local garage that may work out well for you going forward if it’s easier than going to big town. Are there things you can do in your local village while you wait?

Tomorrow I’m planning to try to do some atmospheric shots in the rain. I’m going to go out with the lens I use for street photography and hopefully get some effective shots with reflections on wet roads, using a shallow depth of field for background blur, capturing the falling rain etc. I have lots of ideas. But I’m going to take it easy in the morning and be more active in the afternoon, as I pushed myself quite hard today and know I need some rest time.

I hope you get more lovely rain and we can send ours over to you 🙏🌧️☔️🌈

Take care and warm hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oh wow... your photography plans sound wonderful.  It would be so lovely to be able to see them.  I don't know much about proper digital cameras so apologies for what may be a silly question... if you want to take a black & white photo, is it something you can set on your camera or is it something that must be done post editing?  

Why is it that it can almost be guaranteed.. noises in the car mysteriously disappear when at the mechanics & reappear almost as soon as we drive out of the garage.  That is so frustrating.  Oh that will be a big repair bill, though if the radiator & fan belt are priorities then you can't really leave them long as if they fail the damage done to your engine will be even more costly to repair.  No there is nothing in my village to do while waiting for my car.  They dropped me off home & then picked me up when I had the accelerator fixed, so I will ask if they can do that for the service.

The night light arrived.. I opened it & it is cute.  It was advertised for a nursery, child's room... but the box says not suitable for children under 3... I'm sure it will be fine for bub as a new born wouldn't be able to pull the AAA batteries or usb cable out.  Now I need to get some wrapping paper & a card... yes I am empty headed, I should have already bought them.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow at your specialist visit.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

You can do either with black and white photos - either set it in the camera or convert to black and white in post-processing. I have only converted in post-processing but I think it would be good to do it in camera because it makes you think in black and white, if that makes sense? 🤔

I’ve had really severe depression since early afternoon so I used the photography to try to help me with distraction. It did a little but I’m still struggling. I’m just experiencing such extreme loneliness and isolation. I might see someone I know for a short time but then I’m totally alone again. It’s the grief of feeling I don’t have a family now or anything to belong to. I used to live in the suburb I’m staying in at the moment and back then I had 3 housemates and a home with people in it. I miss that so much. There are many triggers in the city for me too, both good and not so good memories, which set off my emotions. So many people close to me have died as well and I just miss everyone. I did see my brother this time which was nice, but at the same time it feels limited in certain ways and he’s not someone I can express feelings too. He has no idea what I’ve been through in the past few weeks and I know it’s unlikely to be helpful telling him about it. I live alone with all my struggles and it gets too much sometimes.

Yes, those key things are critical to get done on my car otherwise it will be a much more expensive exercise again if the engine gets wrecked. So I’ll be back here next month. That would be really good if they can drop you home while your car is serviced. My liver specialist visit will almost certainly be brief. He doesn’t really answer questions I ask and I’m in and out of there in 10 minutes. I had to come up to see him as I was advised I can only do a certain number of Telehealth appointments before I have to do an in-person one. I will see what my latest blood results are anyway.

I’m really glad the night light arrived and it’s lovely it is cute 🥰 Does your local village store have things like cards and wrapping paper or will you have to travel to big town? Yes, unless the baby is born with super powers of dexterity I don’t think he or she will be able to get to the batteries or USB cable. My friend just sent me photos of her little girl who is looking so grown up now already. She is still just 2 but growing so fast.

We had lots of lovely rain today. I tried some atmospheric photos - reflections in puddles, misty rain, shopfronts with character, wet fallen leaves 🍂 etc. I’m stopping at another place on the way home tomorrow as I see the liver specialist early afternoon and there won’t be enough time to drive all the way home. I’m staying there two nights to give me a rest and I’ll do a bit more photography. I hope you are enjoying whatever weather you are having. Stay warm and cosy Paws and lots of love and hugs to you 🥰🤗 ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oh lass... here is a big 🐻 hug.  I wish I could come up with a practical solution for your loneliness, other than to get a dog so your home doesn't feel so empty of life.  I wonder if the lovely folk on the BB helpline would have some useful ideas.  Battling with grief won't be helping how you feel as I know.  

I think stopping off for a couple of days is a good idea.  Is it the same place you stayed at before, with the jetty & friendly locals?  Thank you for the info on doing black & white photography... & yes "makes you think in black & white" makes perfect sense.  As lovely as photos of landscapes can be, I love photos that concentrate on the little things like raindrops & reflections in puddles.  It is something about that miniature world which we so often forget to notice that reminds me of how children see the world.  

The general store does have some wrapping paper & cards, but I will have to see if they any suitable for a present for a baby.  If not, well I do have things I need to do in big town that I've been putting off, so if I need to go there to get the card etc, the trip wouldn't just be for that.

More 🐻🤗

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Thank you so much for the bear hugs 🐻🙏 I’ve realised I seem to have swung from the severe fear state I was in into severe depression. In Somatic Experiencing they talk about pendulation and the way the nervous system will have an equal and opposite reaction, so going strongly in one direction means going with the same intensity in the other. Eventually the pendulation lessens and the system begins to stabilise. SE wisely takes cake not to over-activate a person by gently titrating the process (unlike what has happened to me with EMDR). At the moment it’s a really awful, strange depression different from anything I’ve experienced before. I’m still getting extremely strange sensations in my head as well. I’m sensing that a lot of intense reprocessing is still going on and can feel the hyperactivity behind my eyes that often manifests in flickering eyelids. It would be good if something meaningful did get processed after this, that it isn’t just meaningless torture. At the moment I just have to endure a kind of grief-stricken brokenness and a depression that is really hurting my heart. I might try some containment exercises. It really is a feeling of being inconsolable. I really hope it moves through and that something healing may come out of this experience.

I’m staying in a different town this time. I’m near the ocean and can hear it rolling in. I’ll stay here two nights as there is big rain and possibly severe thunderstorms forecast tomorrow. If there’s a thunderstorm offshore and not too close, I might try some lightning photography. At the moment I’m not sure if I mind being struck by lightning. There’s a guy from Perth who was taking amazing lightning photos off the coast in the 90s and 2000s. He had chronic pain conditions and he had that feeling of not caring as well. It’s like you stop caring about the risk. I was like that the last night I went out to photograph the Aurora, clambering around coastal rocks in the dark. I was exhausted at the end and felt like just curling up in a ball and sleeping out there. I’m in a very strange space at the moment between self-destruction, and self-care and preservation. I’m hoping to increasingly lean more towards the latter.

Yes, focussing on the small details can be so interesting in photography. I saw a complex web with several orb weaver spiders in it two days ago. I didn’t really have the right lens though. Even in the wild and windy weather tomorrow there might be interesting small details that can be captured. It’s so true that small children notice these things. My friend’s little girl notices snails and the word “snail” will emanate in the cutest little voice from her pram on a walk as she spots one.

Speaking of cute, this morning when I left the place I was staying, the family there showed me their new 10 week old puppy. She is a cavoodle and blows the top of the cuteness meter 🐶💗 Almost as if they knew I was really struggling, they put the puppy in my arms. I said to them it was just what I needed. I was trying so hard to be cheerful on the outside. I drove to a nearby lake afterwards and the tears came. There were banjo frogs calling at the lake. They have a resonant sound and when I was near the water’s edge they made my ear drums vibrate.

I hope you might be able to find some suitable wrapping and a card close by. But if not, as you say, you can run other errands in big town. I hope you are continuing to enjoy the wetter weather. It’s like it’s making up for the dry spell. I hope you might hear some froggies too 🐸💗

Supportive, warm hugs to you too 🤗

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER, 

Stopping off so you are not driving through a possible severe thunderstorm is wise.  Wow... clambering over the rocks in the dark to get a shot of the aurora shows a wonderful commitment to your art.  Probably not the wisest thing to do though... I hope you came through without too many scratches or bruises.  By the by, did you get any pics of the aurora?

My little sister has two cavoodles... they were so cute as little puppies, she chose them because the fur is hypo-allergenic as it is more like wool so they don't shed, but they do need regular clipping.  She got her first one & then when her other dog passed, she got the second one as she has fallen for the breed & how cuddly they are.

It is good you let the tears fall lass, trying to bottle things up never helps.  I hope you find the containment exercises helpful.  

No rain here the past couple of days.  Still no frog calls despite those few days of rain that I did get.  

I didn't get up until late afternoon today, I just didn't feel up to facing the day.  Then I managed to spill my cuppa all over myself which wasn't a promising start.  I did make it to the local shop, I found some plain wrapping paper (I hope it is big enough), but no card.  I do have a set of plain cards with Labrador puppies on the front, so I will use one of them.  I've decided to not even try to wrap it today as I'm sure I would just make a mess of it.

I hope the sound of the sea rocks you of to a refreshing sleep.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

It sounds like you are going through a rough patch. I know there are days when it feels so hard and that always seems to be the time that something happens like we spill a cuppa on ourselves. I hope today is a better day. The card with Labrador puppies sounds lovely. Go gently and I hope you can find some nice things you enjoy today, whether it is watching the birds in your garden or doing a jigsaw puzzle or whatever you find peaceful and soothing.

Yes, when I think about it, the little cavoodle the other day did feel like a little lamb in terms of her fur. She was doing that play biting puppies do, chewing on my fingers, which didn’t hurt. I was repeatedly licked in the face as well. Puppies are absolute little bundles of hilarious joy and enthusiasm.

The Aurora I was referring to was the one from a few weeks ago, meaning the last night I went out to try to see it. I did get some photos then which are the best so far in my Aurora photography attempts but still room for improvement. It was very hard to get myself down there with really paralysing symptoms in my body, but I felt I had to try anything to help the state I was in. I actually start feeling alive while out there, but also can become exhausted. There are times I really feel like sleeping outside all night as nature just does something that heals that I find much harder to attain indoors.

Another rain system has just been going through here with some thunder. I may be absent a few days. I’m trying to process what is happening to me and I’m doing the healing session with the person who does the traditional healing songs in a few days. I’m going to just try to be quiet and meditative and allow my system to open to that healing potential and hopefully recalibrate and normalise. I found being by the ocean in the wind helped yesterday as I felt more alive and connected than I feel otherwise.

Take care Paws. I hope my depressive state is not affecting you. It’s probably good for me to withdraw for a while because my symptoms have been relentless and it’s probably not great for others to read. Take good care and I will check in here and there to see how you’re going if you need a chat.

Kind, comforting hugs,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

Hello again,

This is a message for you Paws and Croix too if you are reading. I just found out today about a recently released movie called The Penguin Lessons. It’s about an Englishman in Argentina in 1976 who rescues a penguin that changes his life. It sounds like a nice film and I thought you might like to know about it while it’s still screening. It may only be at a few cinemas. I would like to see it but it may not still be on when I’m back in the city in a few weeks. I’m currently still on my way home from the city as I stopped to visit an old friend today meaning I only got so far and I’m stopped at the place I have before in the caravan park.

It was so lovely seeing my friend. We have had similar struggles so it was so good to connect again. She still has her three cats and has three new chickens after her other three died. It really helped me to connect with her and I think it helped her too.

I hope you are both having a lovely, restful weekend. I seem to so prefer being away from home maybe I will delay even longer and deviate to the iceberg 🤔🧊🐧

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Lass your posts are not the reason I'm feeling down at the moment.  Lots of small things have been weighing on me like too many sticks on the camels back.  I'm just feeling sad & low, I've not crashed down to full depression, though sometimes I can feel it lurking & waiting to knock me right down.  I know I need to make the effort before things can improve, it's just right now that seems almost impossible.  

I'm glad you got to catch up with your friend on the home.  I like the idea of letting yourself enjoy the journey & not feeling the need to rush home.  Hmmm I'm not a fan of chickens, it is something about their faces & how they move, ducks have a much more friendly face.  

You have mentioned the healing songs before, I hope you find them as helpful this time as you did the last time.  

Lass take as much time away as you need.  I wouldn't want you to feel any pressure to reply or chat.  

Hugs

Paws