Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

Yes, sadly some people pick orchids, though in this case they did look very much like a creature had chomped them.

Yes, accommodation does really go up once the Christmas holidays start. I have medical appointments next week but thinking maybe the week after is possible to get away. I’ve developed a pain in my mid-left back and front. It affects simple things like trying to stir a pot on the stove or hold up my camera. I’m doing my best to take care of myself and heal what I think are all stress-related ailments. I did yoga when I first got up this morning and it was really helpful. My body loved the stretching.

I’m dealing with some challenging issues with my brother that are coming to a head but need to. I have a sense that when I communicate clearly with him about certain things that more stuff will alleviate in my body. Over the years I have protected him in so many ways, always being there for him but him not being able to emotionally be there for me. There are certain patterns that continue and I know those patterns need to end. I’m making big breakthroughs in learning to honour myself instead of putting everyone else’s needs and feelings first. I think this is essential in shifting long-running health issues.

Hmmm, I would look out for the odd feather here or there. I wonder if the gullies near you are indeed full of inebriated kiwis. They may be able to escape the gullies by building a kiwi pyramid but may have to sleep off their current inebriation first. It will be interesting what you may find as you continue to sort boxes.

The mentioning of things rustling made me think of when I was sitting on my back lawn this afternoon. There was lots of rustling and little chirps from birdies in my overgrown lavender bush. The King Skinks were rustling about too. The big fella walked right past my screen door again this morning. At the moment I can hear a Red-Capped Parrot making the percussive noises they do outside. It’s quite still with beautiful late afternoon light.

Have a lovely evening and I hope the decluttering goes well.

Hugs

ER

[Croix]

Dear Paws and ER~

ER I'm afraid what you are attempting with your brother will not be easy, perhaps if you  keep in mind how you body and mind has reacted to the situations he has placed you in and not looked after your welfare it might give you the extra strenght to be firm.

I guess it one of those times you might need to follow logic rather than habit and feelings.

As for inebriated kiwis, excluding Fred who hopefully is not getting the DTs, you will know they are there when a van pulls up, they tend to have their tipple delivered. On the iceberg it is by ship or parachute. Contrary to expectations when a crate is opened there is no free for all, they courteously offer bottles to each other. This reminds me there were two cartoon characters who were ecessivly polite to each other, but I forget which ones.

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Croix and Paws,

Thanks Croix. After a text message from my brother just now that I’ve just realised I think is a veiled threat, I think our relationship is on the verge of ending. Another relative I confided in after my brother’s partner’s extremely abusive behaviour following our mother’s death then disclosed what I said to her son. I would have preferred it remained confidential. My brother caught up with her son, our cousin, today. It sounds like he shared whatever his mother imparted to him. So I think my brother is now very angry with me. But I only spoke to that relative back then because I desperately needed some emotional support and she had rung me at the time to see how I was going. I’ve been bullied by my brother before, who is not totally uncaring but has a narcissistic streak. His partner is a cold, hard bully to the core. I am having to retain my composure and know I’ve done nothing wrong. But I would say I’m probably about to lose my last immediate family member as I know I need to have a frank discussion with him about multiple issues and I think it may end the relationship. In a way I lost him once he began seeing his current partner who cannot tolerate him having a connection to anyone but her. Sorry this is depressing! Anyway, I’m stronger than I’ve ever been and I will get through. I will stay true to myself and speak my truth whatever ugly stuff they try to put on me. Your advice about following logic over habits and feelings is very wise. In the past I always put my brother’s feelings first. I was brought up to value his feelings over my own, that he was more important. I’m finally unlearning my habitual responses and I won’t fit the mould he expects of me anymore, which is to be compliant with him and agreeable. I’m learning in life to be disagreeable! I am learning really for the first time just recently to truly support and honour myself for a change.

Oh I’ve just heard a van pull up and a door slide open. Sure enough peering out the window I can see a neat line of kiwis, politely waiting their turn for their bottle of grog. They are having a chit chat while waiting as if they are lining up outside the theatre for a show. I wonder what sort of a show I’m in for tonight 🙈 Little Fred is fine. He has actually always been a teetotaller. Any grog vans at your place yet Paws?

Croix, I just looked up polite cartoon characters and came across the Goofy Gophers who are excessively polite to one another with British accents. Just wondering if they are the ones?

Bye for now,

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Croix,

ER it does sound as though things could get very difficult for you with your brother, but I think you are right that it will in the long term help you to be free of the negativity he causes you to feel.  Hard as it can be to unlearn the habit of putting other people before ourselves, it can be done lass.  Remember we are here to support you through this & you are not the one being disagreeable, they are.

 Whilst I'm on the topic of you caring for yourself, I must ask...  How is the pain in your front & back going, any relief yet?  Also have your respiratory issues started to settle at all?  

Well I didn't keep up the momentum with going back to my decluttering Monday evening.  I found my mood dropping badly, so decided to self calm by losing myself in doing a jigsaw instead.  When it works, it can be surprising to stop & realise just how many hours have gone by without my noticing.  

I've still not seen any Kiwis here....  however there does seem to be far more scratching sounds coming from my wall cavities & roof space than usual... plus I found myself dreaming of sea shanties being sung as a round... not a topic I've ever dreamt of before... It is cooler & raining this morning... so I wait to see if that flushes any possible hideaways into the open...

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

Paws, I hope I didn’t bring you down writing about the depressing situation with my brother. I worry when I write about something stressful that I’ll depress someone else. I think having a self-soothing strategy such as doing a jigsaw is a really good idea. For me it is photo editing and I did some of that the other night after the text from my brother. It makes me feel more connected and whole again.

Thanks for reminding me I’m not the one being disagreeable. That is certainly how they’ve cast me. I remember the two weeks I spent with them on a trip a few weeks after mum died. I was friendly and kind to my brother’s partner the whole time while she was relentlessly aggressive, divisive and competitive with me, like I was a competitor with her for my brother’s attention. She couldn’t stand seeing any friendliness and companionship between my brother and I. Then after going into a psychotic rage at me one evening that left me collapsed in shock, she tried to gaslight me a few days later that something is wrong with me. I have never had such a feeling of foreboding about another person as I did that day with her. I knew from that moment I could not have her in my life. But she was the disagreeable one in every way leading up to that point.

The pain in the front and back was still present and bothersome yesterday morning. The previous night I started to wonder if I should check my heart out. I rang the medical clinic in the morning and they advised to go to the local hospital. So I was there for several hours while they did an ECG, bloods etc. My heart and lungs seem ok but I see the doctor again tomorrow for blood results. I think my body has just been through the wringer. The pain is a little better now. But I also remember fluffy cat being obsessed with that left side of my body the last time I was looking after her. She kept pawing at it and then sticking her face into my left armpit. The breast tumour I have is the right side so I know it’s not that, but I wonder if fluffy cat was picking up something that animals can smell out. It could however just be musculoskeletal as my body has been retching daily with histamine reactions and I’ve possibly strained something.

I actually didn’t mind being in the hospital. It was nice chatting to the nurse and even though she was busy doing things, it felt nice to have human activity around me and hear human voices. I have realised how profoundly lonely and isolated I am in my daily life and I can sense that is impacting my health. I do need more human contact but I just have to find the right human contact for me, because the wrong human contact can make things worse. I do have emailing and messaging with my good friends in the city. I’m extremely grateful for that.

Sorry, I just talked about myself a lot. I do hope you feel better today Paws. It’s sort of like riding the waves isn’t it. We can’t always control the direction our feelings go in, only nurture ourselves as we go through what we go through. I think it’s important to go gently and not be hard on yourself if there’s a break in the decluttering. I used to attend a Buddhist meditation centre in the city and the head monk used to say something like, “leave for today what can be done tomorrow”. It’s kind of the opposite message our society sends about always doing and achieving. I think he was basically saying take it easy and don’t worry about what you feel you can’t achieve today, just let it go. I planned gardening activities yesterday to get stuff in the green bin for this morning’s collection but could only sleep after the hospital yesterday. But it really doesn’t matter and the same activities can be progressively done as I’m able.

It’s a beautiful sunny day here. It’s been hard to grasp the heat many are experiencing in parts of Australia at the moment as it has been cool here, then a bit warmer the last few days, but still pretty mild. Looking outside I can see blossom emerging on my peach tree.

There are bundles of kiwis lying about snoring with their feet in the air. The exception is little Fred, the one sober kiwi, who is finding things to eat in my garden and aerating the soil with his pointy beak at the same time. It’s very interesting those sea shanty dreams Paws 😂

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

No lass you didn't bring me down by talking about your brother.  It definitely sounds from what you say that your brother's partner is someone to completely avoid & unfortunately your brother also.  It is ok to say no to putting up with their behaviour to you & clearly stating your boundaries is a good starting point.  We don't get to chose our family & it really isn't unusual for people to find they need to cut family members from their lives.  With my siblings, my youngest sister cut my eldest brother from her life & my other brother cut my other sister from his.  I fully understood why they finally felt it necessary to do so for their own wellbeing & I fully supported their decisions.  

It's strange how you enjoyed the human activity around you at the hospital, yet the last time I was at the local hospital here (just on a fluid drip for dehydration) all I wanted to do was leave & get away from that very same thing & back to the peace & quiet of home. I find it helpful to be reminded that not everyone is the same with what they need to have a fulfilling & content life.  

I didn't get much of anything done today, but that is ok as I gave myself permission to only do what I felt up to doing without stressing about what needs doing.  It didn't help that I've had super itchy & watery eyes all day with my hayfever despite staying indoors & taking an anti-histamine. I really do need to block off all the places where the drafts get in.  

I think the sea shanties I thought I heard in my dreams may have been from some Kiwis happily ensconced in my roof space.  I had a few tumble out of the open man hole in my laundry ceiling this arvo, luckily for them the nearly full laundry basket was directly below for them to land in.  Then again it may not of been luck, but rather may have been pushed there by the kiwis I found piled up & asleep on the dog bed in the lounge when I got up before dawn.  I thought the dog bed had looked very flat the other morning.  The sound of all of them snoring didn't wake me as even combined it was still decibels quieter than Woofa's snoring had been. They all seemed very sober & wandered off into the back garden about dinner time & I'm wondering if that is where their stash of bottles is as they still haven't come back in yet.  

I hope you get an answer tomorrow about your back pain.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Thank you. I'm coming to terms with potential total separation from my brother. In the past it just tore me to pieces because I really love my brother, but the situation with his partner is like this sinister thing that never goes away. I feel he is repeating a trauma pattern by being with her. It is like a type of trauma bonding that she manipulates but I have to just let it all go and leave him to whatever unfolds in that situation. It feels like a horror story and it's hard to believe it's real, but it is and I have to come to terms with that.

Normally I do not like hospital environments. As a child I was always really disturbed and frightened by hospitals if we went to visit someone in one. But at the moment I think the fact I actually enjoyed the company of others there rather than being at home alone I think really shows how much I am suffering from loneliness and isolation. I really need more human contact in my daily life. I have spent countless hours lying in my bed alone with debilitating symptoms and it does get to you after a while. it was actually a nice feeling that someone was taking care of me at some level. Even having the machine monitoring my observations for a few hours felt weirdly comforting.

The blood results had not come through when I saw the GP today. He got reception to request them but it took well over an hour. When they came he informed me they had not performed all the tests they were supposed to. So I have to have more blood taken tomorrow which is annoying as they took a lot of blood on Tuesday. But at least the GP is thorough and checking everything. He's sent me for an x-ray tomorrow too. It could be something called costochondritis which is inflammation of the cartilage that connects a rib to the breastbone.

I am finding doing some morning yoga helpful and I am going in the evenings to kind of meditate at sunset at my favourite rocky hill by the ocean. I work on calming my autonomic nervous system with Peter Levine's method of chanting "vooo" at a low register which stimulates the vagus nerve and tells the nervous system it is safe. Time and time again this leads to the release of pent up emotion, grief and distress. I have so much stored in me and it is getting progressively released. Yesterday evening it made me have a good cry and I really felt better afterwards. It is all the stuff that needed to come out in the past but couldn't because it didn't feel safe to do so. That particular environment by the ocean really holds me and I feel truly safe there.

It's good you are just doing what you feel up to. It's no fun having the itchy and watery eyes. To counter the issues I've been having with histamine I've been consuming foods with quercetin in them. Quercetin has been found to help prevent immune cells releasing histamine and other allergic and inflammatory substances. It is found in red apples, grapes, blueberries, cranberries, cherries, red onion, spring onion, kale, broccoli, cabbage, asparagus, sweet potato (orange and purple ones), buckwheat, quinoa and chamomile. It's in some other things too like citrus and black tea which I don't have as they are still an issue with histamine, citrus being a histamine liberator and tea blocking the DAO enzyme that breaks down histamine. I have been eating several of the above foods and my body seems to really benefit. 

Ahh kiwis in the roof! The acoustics may be good up there for sea shanties. It sounds like full kiwi infiltration of your home is underway. That cunning Croix, inundating us with kiwis! Speaking of roofs, I could hear the possum being noisy on my roof last night. I went out to look at him or her to see what they were up to. I could see the possum on the edge of the roof quite close to me silhouetted in the moonlight. I had a chat and asked, "what are you doing up there?" After that the scraping noises stopped which I was kind of glad about as it is an asbestos roof and I want the paint coating to stay on it. But I do love the possum though.

Fred the little kiwi is wandering about my desk and trying to peck out a message on the keyboard. He says hello and warm, feathery hugs from him and me,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Lass it is ok to love your brother & yet still step away from what is a toxic relationship.  Hard as it was for her, my youngest sister did just that when she stopped all contact with our eldest brother.  She gave him so many chances, yet in the end for her own wellbeing she had to say "enough is enough".  By setting boundaries about the behaviour you will or won't tolerate, you put the ball back in his court if he wants to be in your life.

I hope all your tests ran smoothly today.  What a pain having to have more bloods done & of course being a Friday, you now need to wait til next week to get results.  Is the pain in your back easing at all with the yoga?

Very warm here today & tomorrow is forecast to be awful as it will be in the low 30s... blahhhh  

It sounds like Fred has made himself at home... I don't suppose you have room for a few more kiwis??   I'm sure the ones here could find your place easily enough... I just need to point them towards the setting sun...  There little legs may not carry them that far... but I'm positive that  if they wave their little wings they will easily hitch a ride from a friendly trucker over the Nullarbor & once they get to WA I'm sure that there are some Emperor Penguins still on the loose over there who will be able to guide them in.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Thank you, yes, setting boundaries is essential. It is then up to the other person to respect the boundaries or not, and if not that is when cutting ties becomes the clear option. I am very clear I do not want my brother to continue in the same old patterns of treating me the way he has been. I’ve gotten much stronger in saying no to things that I know I don’t want and are not kind to me.

Yes, the tests went very smoothly today. I went to a neighbouring town for the x-ray. I took the opportunity while there to shop at one of the larger supermarkets. My shopping has become very simple as I’m still limited in what I can eat. I can’t do any packaged or canned foods now so those aisles get missed all together. I ate a salad for lunch today that seemed safe when I bought it in terms of the ingredients, but I’ve had non-stop streaming histamine symptoms ever since. So I’m learning my lesson that I must only prepare my own food. It’s the only way to ensure no reactions.

The yoga really helps my body in a general way but I’m not sure it does much with the pain on the left side. The doctor’s suggestion of costochondritis does seem quite likely as there is a specific very painful point on the breastbone where a rib connects. I think the pain through to the back is radiating from there.

I have been reading about the really hot weather being forecast, including in Victoria and South Australia. I can’t remember Paws, but is your source of heating also a source of cooling - reverse cycle aircon? I hope you can keep cool. It has been mild here and I’ve had a jumper on all day but 3 quarter pants. So sort of slightly warmish I guess but tempered by a cool breeze.

Well as far as kiwis go I do have an unused shed that could house a considerable number of kiwis. It is however frequented by possums. This could present some interesting co-habitation challenges. Though the possums do love the fruit from my fruit trees so if they developed their fermentation skills could team up with the kiwis to produce some interesting beverages. I may find a new small business in the form of a brewery of sorts is operating from my backyard.

Eddie the Emperor Penguin has been entertaining himself in the chimney reciting the countries of the world, famous penguins in history and his favourite musical artists and songs from A to Z. His favourite song is Ice Ice Baby and his favourite band is Icehouse. I think he must be getting homesick for a certain igloo on a certain walrus’ iceberg. He has confided in me that once Santa arrives and gets him out of the chimney, he is planning a mass penguin reunion at said iceberg. I’m sure the kiwis would like to join in the celebrations. Hee hee! 🐧

Well I hope the kiwis sing you some lovely sea shanties tonight Paws 🎶 May you have a lovely day tomorrow.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I'm glad all the tests went smoothly.  Oh lass how horrible to have a reaction to your lunch despite it seeming safe.  I hope your symptoms settle quickly for you.

Yes I have reverse cycle air-con.  I kept the house closed up & the curtains drawn all day & the house hasn't become hot enough to need the air-con on thankfully.  I have put the fan on from time to time just to move the air as it does feel overly warm & stuffy.

I have the Vic Emergency app on my phone with it set to a 10km radius from my place & it has been pinging all day as it thinks I am located about 15km south west of where I actually am & near 4 fires.  The first fire is now at emergency leave level & 3 others are at watch & act.  But I am still outside the warning zones.  I've checked the BOMs wind forecasts for my place & the forecast winds over the next 24hrs should push the fires away from my place.  I am keeping a close watch though, as the three newer fires if they are from the fire spotting are closer to my place than the original fire.  All 4 being as close to each other as they are it suggests either fire spotting or someone lighting them.  Not having Woofa to think of or organise for,  I have been slack & haven't got my summer evacuation kit ready yet, this is an unwelcome reminder to get off my butt & do it.  My 2nd year living here I had to evacuate & though thankfully the fires didn't reach my place, they did surround it & I wasn't able to get home for 3 days.  

No sea shanties last night, but lots of old school campfire songs like "she'll be coming round the mountain" & "row row row your boat"... I pointed out to them that the acoustics in my big shed would be better than in my roof... to no avail... 🙉🙉   thankfully as the bottles were passed around the singing became mumbling & eventually some low decibel snoring.  Now you have me wondering... do I tell them about your backyard brewery as a temptation to move to yours.... or will it just give them ideas to start the same in my sheds???   

Sleep well

Hugs

Paws