Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Croix

Paddy-melons are cute, as are all wallabies.  I didn't know they turned into monsters when they grew up.  I'm not surprised about their back claws though, I know Kangaroos have nasty back claws.  The Eastern Grey may look sweet, but as many a tourist has found out the hard way... don't get too close.

ER you seeing a Tiger Snake while out walking has made me realise I've not seen one here yet.  I've no doubt they're about, but just not where I am it seems.

You may have noticed I've been missing from here.  Well when they turned off the 3G network, for some reason my 4G internet dongle decided to stop working too.  I didn't find out until too late on Monday to drive to big town, then of course Tuesday was the Public Holiday & to top things off I had a thumping headache all Wednesday & wasn't up to the drive.  So this morning I trundled into big town to the Telstra shop & got to spend over an hour giving them all grey hairs.  My poor old dongle was so old they couldn't swap out the sim card or even try & reconfigure it.  I had the poor lad running in circles on his computer as he tried to work out how to cancel my old dongle & add the new one.  I did feel sorry for him.  It took me ages when I got home to get it to connect with my laptop, but finally... yayyy

ER to answer your earlier question... I have lesions on my brain which are causing the memory issues... they will continue to multiply & cause further memory loss with time... I have been developing lots of habits & tricks to help me remember.  Writing myself notes & putting them somewhere I will see them is a good one.  

Well done getting your lounge/dining area decluttered.  My house is looking worse, not better, though that is ok as I have started pulling out boxes & old suit cases that are filled with sentimental &/or my parents things & I've been going through them.  I am pleased with how much I am getting rid of so far.  I am trying to be ruthless & remind myself I've not looked at any of it since I moved here, also I'm sure none of the nieces or nephews will want any of it.  I've also nearly cleared the kitchen table, which won't last long as I want to put all the photo albums & loose pictures there to sort through & clear out.  

I did see the Emperor Penguin on the news.  I think you need to watch out ER as it seems a certain Walrus has his spy network  🐧 working in WA waters & one just took a bit of a wrong turn.  He may be planning to slip a few inebriated kiwi's into your place whilst your not looking.  Any sounds of loud snoring should be investigated immediately or you may wake up one morning & not be able to move for Kiwi's in every corner.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

Ah, yes, I have just found a few kiwis lurking in my home, one under a cushion, one rummaging in the pantry cupboard and one snoring under covers in my bed. Hmmm 🤔 They are now sulking because they have not been able to find any alcoholic beverages. There is a pub here though and if they find out they might all turn up with beverages of choice. They apparently answer to a supreme commander known as Eddie the Emperor Penguin 🐧 

I’m glad you got the support at the Telstra shop to fix the dongle conundrum. It’s a crazy world now where things seem to have shorter and shorter lifespans, such as older mobile phones no longer being able to be updated after a certain point. My old 2012 iPad (positively ancient in the computer world) ceased to have an upgrade-able operating system years ago now and is no longer safe or reliable to use with the internet.

I remember you mentioning the lesions now Paws. I had forgotten the cause of the cognitive issues. I wonder if there is anything that can have a reversal effect on them? I’m working on such things with myself. My liver condition is supposed to be progressive and incurable according to medical opinion. It’s also known to cause brain lesions in the later stages. But I’m orienting myself every way I can towards a healing trajectory. I’m trying to immerse myself in experiences that are healing at a cellular level and shift my nervous system, biochemistry etc.

Just yesterday I was at my wits end with severe histamine intolerance symptoms that had kept me awake almost the whole night before. By late afternoon I decided to go for a walk even though I was so struggling and uncomfortable. It lessened the symptoms a bit. But the interesting thing is what happened driving home. I just screamed out of frustration, several times. Then I just began to yell and curse at a number of past abusers in my life. I realised all this trapped anger that just needed to come out. By the time I got home the symptoms had totally died down. They were back again this morning so I screamed and yelled in the car all the way to a neighbouring town. When I got there I felt heaps better. I was able to eat food from a cafe which I cannot normally do. It triggered mild symptoms that I was able to walk off. I then really felt like a coffee which I know is a histamine trigger. So I did an experiment. I drank coffee and got the expected reaction. But then driving home I screamed and yelled my head off again. Once again I am now much better. I’ve realised that decades of suppressed rage that could never be safely expressed at the time is now coming out and has been part of my body’s self-attack. So I’ve really turned a corner in a positive way and feel empowered. I’m finally learning not to suppress emotions, especially angry ones.

That’s great you are doing the sorting and feel like you’re getting somewhere. I know for me too that things will look worse before they get better as I sort through boxes. I too have much that I haven’t looked at since I got here and clearly don’t actually need. It will feel so good to have less, like an unburdening.

I hope you are having a lovely evening and you too Croix.

Hugs,

ER

[Croix]

Dear ER and Paws~

I'm afriad it is too late ER, inebriated kiwis have thier own way of letting each other know of a soft and comfy place to stay. Catching one under the covers is only the start 😞 Come to think of there are fewer here, so I guess a fresh contingent is on its way. As for the pub, they'll sniff it out in no time, plus you realise and enterprising kiwi can make the  required beverages in a bathtub or other suitable receptacle. Soon trips to the pub will  be redundant.

:Paws I've always been very reluctant to discard old photos, and have tried over the yeas to scan them to go in a computer. I have managed an awful lot, however still many albums to go. At least wiht modern photography the problem is the opposite, they are all on hte disk to start with, but are too many to even remember what I've got.

I'm sure you are right ER and the body is influenced by the mind when emotions are pent up long term, I'm fascinated wiht the way you negotiate around your body and  mind.  It also seems, at least in my case to be a loop, my mind has a marked effect on my body, anything from headaches and chest pain to GNW. This in turn has an adverse affect on my mind as the limitations and frustrations of a body not behaving itself  make me feel worse.

Having the ability to shout out, yell and curse sounds logical, however I'm afraid I don't think it is something I could do spontaneously. I've always been quiet and it just seems too different from the normal me. Perhaps that is a limitation I need to overcome.

Croix (who is reaching the age where he needs to write notes to himself 😞

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Croix and Paws,

I just thought I’d say that the yelling out is totally not my usual self at all, so I sounded like a completely different person to myself. I have been extremely quiet all my life. A Grade 1 primary school certificate was awarded to me for “working quietly at all times”. A Grade 3 teacher wrote on my school report that my behaviour was “poor”. My mother asked the teacher what this meant and she said, “she’s too quiet”. What is happening to me now it’s like I didn’t even have control of it anymore because my body knew it had to make noise, strongly and assertively. So I think I’m going to have it rising out of me for a while to come as I expunge it all. It actually feels self-healing at a cellular level. Eventually I expect to reach a point of equilibrium but in the meantime I am riding the waves.

Ouch, a kiwi just poked my knee with its beak! Another one is sipping from the pear juice I was just drinking, looking decidedly disappointed it tastes non-alcoholic. Oh no, I can hear some birdy burps outside 🙈 I think they have just arrived from the pub. Now they are even sliding down the chimney! They are enjoying it making sounds of glee. Oh, something just got stuck. What is it? Oh it’s an Emperor Penguin jammed stuck in my chimney! What am I going to do now? 
Baffled as to how to solve this conundrum 😯🤔

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Croix,

Croix the photos I'm hoping to clear out are ones that I've not looked at in years & wouldn't be of interest to anyone else.  I have albums that have lots of pics I took with the Box Brownie or the little Kodak Instamatic when I was young, things like... scenery on school camps & other outings or pics of my pet rabbits or animals at the zoo.  I also want to finish putting the loose photos I want to keep into albums that I started a while ago & to make sure they are all identified as to whom they are.  Both my parents also kept things like every birthday/event card in scrap books & a lot of other ephemera that I don't see any point in keeping any longer as it would be meaningless to my nephews & nieces.  

ER I find it fascinating that yelling & screaming is helping with your histamine issues.  How the mind/body connections work are still little understood by the medical world.  That you are finding a release for all your suppressed emotions that works for you & helps with your physical symptoms is nothing short of wonderful.

Hmm... an Emperor Penguin stuck in your chimney... I wonder if the giraffe you previously sent to Croix's iceberg may be heading back with the next contingent of Kiwis... with it's long neck it could pop it's head up your chimney & push the penguin back out at the top...  if not, give it a day or two & the penguin might lose enough weight to slip out by itself.  

As for how to return the Kiwis to their point of origin (not naming a certain iceberg so as not to worry an equally un-named Walrus)  I think that will take some pondering.

From a Kiwi free zone... hugs

Paws

[Croix]

Dear ER and Paws~

Well I guess there is hope for me yet if you have been quiet for so long and are now starting to noisily vent your feelings. I have a feeling it would do me good if I could ever manage it.

As for your conundrum, feed it fish and wait for Santa, he'll clear the chimney of all obstructions as he comes down for his milk and cookies, maybe he wil even share them wiht the penguin - do you have any fish-flavored bikkies?

Paws -are you sure you would not like a lovable penguin or inebriated kiwi?

I agree about sorting out some of ephemera though you might be surprised at what is later of social or genealogical value. I tried to help put on an exhibition a few years ago about Ansett and found articles to display -even the humble drink coaster  - quite hard to find.

With my myriads of family photos the biggest problem is labeling. I waylays scan boat sides so there is a record if it is written on the back, however there are many that feature all sorts of people and I have no idea where they fir into the scheme of tihngs, from 19th century tram conductors to imposing ladies resting bibles on their knees and staring haughtily at the camera.

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

That’s a great idea Croix. It’s not long until Santa will be around. I think Paws’ idea of a giraffe is also excellent but I’m not sure if I’ll have one by Christmas depending on whether they are travelling with the next contingent of kiwis. I’ll head out fishing tomorrow for the penguin who has told me he feels quite snug in the chimney and is enjoying some jolly signing from inebriated kiwis who are keeping him entertained. They are belting out sea shanties at the moment. I can also collect some prawn crackers from the local Chinese restaurant.

Hmm, Paws, Croix is offering you some penguins and kiwis. This does sound a bit suspicious. I am thinking the walrus is trying to reclaim his iceberg and sending kiwis and penguins out into the world. You might want to have your wildlife cam on the ready to spot any penguins waddling or kiwis staggering onto your property. We might have to hatch a plan for penguin and kiwi repatriation 🤔

Paws, I have some old cameras of my parents and one is a Kodak Instamatic that was my mum’s. I love old cameras, even just to look at them. I was feeling a bit down last night about some family issues so I self-soothed by watching videos and reading articles about cameras and lenses. It is actually therapy for me 😂 I have camera gear I’m very happy with but it doesn’t stop me dreaming about all the possibilities of other cameras and lenses. I’m truly addicted to all things photography 📷

Well I must go and shoo the ever increasing pile of kiwis from my bed and get some sleep. Of course they pile back on top of me once I’m in bed. They are a mix of soft and fluffy and pointy, so every now and then I’m poked awake. 

May you both sleep well and have a lovely day tomorrow.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Croix,

I was on a roll with sorting stuff & stayed up all Friday night until late Saturday morning.  I've then slept for over 17 hours & have woken up feeling surprisingly refreshed.  

Croix I also have that problem of old photos of people I don't know.  I think the people must be related somehow, but with my parents generation & the older generations long gone there really isn't anyone who would remember them.  I haven't given up though as I'm hoping other branches of the family may have pictures which identify my mystery people.  

ER I still have the both the Box Brownie & the Instamatic camera, I won't be throwing them out in my declutter nor will my old dial telephone go.  I have a shelving unit in my study where they all live on display amidst my files & things.

Croix the offer of inebriated Kiwis & loveable Penguins is generous, but I couldn't possibly deprive you of their friendly, frolicking company as I know how much you love it.  You mustn't worry though, if I spot any waddling around here I am close enough to the south coast to be able to simply point them in the right direction to find their way back to your iceberg.  

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

That’s amazing work Paws, staying up all night sorting and continuing into late the next morning! Sometimes it’s just getting started isn’t it and then you feel like you’re getting somewhere. I’m really glad you woke feeling refreshed.

It’s nice you still have your cameras and the old telephone too. I remember the dial telephone we had when I was very young. I liked the sound of it and the kinaesthetic movement of dialling it. It was a more tactile experience than just pushing a button.

I’ve just come back from peaceful time at my favourite ocean place. I’m now heating the oven for a very late dinner. I seem to have developed a respiratory infection on top of other things so I found it very healing just being by the ocean. I lay on the rocky hill which is surprisingly comfortable granite. There was a half moon above me. My body was quite agitated when I got there but definitely calmer when I left. That place is a medicine place to me and it’s my go to place when I’m really not feeling good.

It was warm here today. Earlier I went to look at spider orchids and leopard orchids I saw the other day. The spider orchids were still there but something had chomped the leaped orchids, just leaving the base of their stalks. But I noticed what looked like a few more ready to open nearby so will have a look in the next couple of days to see if they’ve opened.

I’m cuddling Fred the friendly kiwi at the moment. He is my little buddy. The other kiwis have gone to the pub but Fred, amazingly, is a non-inebriated kiwi. And Eddie the Emperor Penguin is having a snooze in the chimney after a fish feed earlier. So all is content here (until the other kiwis return 🙈).

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Croix,

I hope it was just something chomping the Leopard Orchids & not someone picking them.  I have in the past also found how comfortable some rocky outcrops are to lay on despite being... well... rocky & hard.  It is odd how sitting on one can be really uncomfortable, yet simply laying down changes the whole feel.  It is lovely you have a place like that to connect with, one that you know will have a settling effect.

I will keep everything crossed that the respiratory issues settle soon for you & don't stop you being able to get away before the xmas break & the higher fees charged for accommodation during those times.  

I spoke to my sister earlier today & it seems "great minds think alike" as she has also been decluttering her place this past week too.  I took a break from my decluttering today, but I'm planning to do more this evening as I don't want to lose momentum.

I haven't spotted any Kiwis here yet, but... there has been mysterious rustling noises coming from among the many boxes of things I'm sorting through, which stops whenever I approach & the big dog bed which is still by my lounge window also looked very flattened when I got up this morning.  The nearest pub is over 10km away & the ground between there & here is very hilly with numerous gullies a Kiwi could roll into but not out.  However I don't think that will deter them, if Kiwis can make drinks on an iceberg, there is no knowing what they could achieve here & there are lots of hiding places both inside & out.  

Enjoy your Fred cuddles & I hope the returning Kiwis didn't spend the night singing sea shanties.

Hugs

Paws