Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Thank you for checking in on me. 🙃  Even though I couldn't see it until now.  My internet has only been working intermittently during business hours for the past week & it isn't even holiday season.  I've decided I'm going to get satellite internet just to check it out, if it works well I will cancel my existing internet as I'm fed up with it.

I think I managed better today with him being here even though I was still very stressed. It helps that he was only here for 2 hours.  He has done a lot & looking out after he left he is more than halfway through both the front & back yards.  Hopefully he will be done by the end of the week or early next week...  I spent the time he was here making a list of the things I still want to get done (including the decluttering) & I've broken them down between what must be done before the puppy & what can be done after.  If I really push myself getting the essentials done I might even be able to put my name down with breeders in the first week of December.  To say that possibility has brightened my mood would be an understatement.  😍🐶😍

I haven't been to Fed Square in donkeys years.  I'm glad you enjoyed the festival & being amongst the crowd.  I hope the 'challenging time' wasn't too distressful.  Would talking about it help? I'm happy to listen (well read).

There is something very special about being by the ocean on a grey, windy day with the smell of rain in the distance competing with the smell of the sea.  I loved doing that in the UK, but I don't do it anywhere near enough these days.  Did you have your camera with you at the beach or were you simply experiencing the moment?

Thank you again lass for being so understanding

hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Paws,

It does sound frustrating having the internet down so much. Would the satellite link be the thing called Starlink I think it is? I know someone travelling around Australia to many remote places who uses that kind of satellite service to stay connected.

I’m glad you feel you managed better today. Making a list of things while he was there was probably a good distraction and would have helped you to feel like you were doing some constructive things towards getting a puppy. I’m sure having a fur friend will make an amazing difference for you Paws. I have found staying here with a cute doggy who I’ve had cuddle time with so helpful. They really, really help, don’t they. The person I’m staying with is just so bright and friendly too and we’ve had lovely chats and some laughs. It’s felt really meaningful. I’m really happy you can envisage being able to put your name down for a pup soon 🐶💖

I was ok with the busyness in Fed Square. I find it a bit of a strange space when it’s empty but much better when it comes to life. I walked in the CBD for a bit and it was intensely crowded there, so I went to decompress in one of the gardens near the Botanic Gardens. I started to feel really down then and all sorts of grief came up about a lot of things and not knowing where my home is. But then today I talked with my cousin again and had more lovely chats with the woman I’m staying with, and I felt a lot better again. So I just went into a bit of an existential crisis and overwhelm yesterday and was temporarily very down and feeling lost. But I’m ok now.

I just loved the atmosphere by the ocean this morning. It was grey and wild looking and I needed my warm jacket. But then Melbourne did the four seasons thing and later the sun came out and it got really warm. I spent the whole day along the ocean. It’s my last night here then I’m back in the city. Yes, I did have my camera and took just a few photos.

May you sleep well tonight Paws and take good care of you. You are a lovely person who deserves the greatest peace and happiness - always remember that 🥰

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I think I let myself get swept up with puppy possibilities yesterday when I spoke of putting my name down for a puppy.  I still have to check out the breeders I have tentatively chosen & make sure they meet the standards I expect of a good breeder.  The breeder I'm most drawn to shows his dogs & seems respected among the breeders.  He has a litter at the moment, so to begin with I will contact him via his page & ask if he would be happy to answer my questions & either send me pics of how he raises the puppies or if I could visit & see for myself.  So first thing first... making myself a list of initial questions & then follow up questions so I don't forget anything.

I also got a bit swept up with my estimates of how long it will take to finish getting my yards back to manageable.  But that is ok, at least there is progress in the right direction.  I am much calmer today as he isn't expected.  

Oh lass I hope the little dog gave you lots of love to help lift your mood.  Having that sudden drop in mood & finding yourself questioning everything is an understandable reaction for you to have lass.  You are planning a big change & at the moment your future is still up in the air as you compare the options available to you.  If you didn't question things I would worry for you.  I do realise it wasn't all about where you will live in the future, but also knowing you don't have someone to turn too & share the decision making with, I know how scary that is & it is ok to feel overwhelmed by it all.  I hope you felt brighter today. 

Hugs

Paws

Starlink is one satellite provider, Telstra uses them. I'm actually thinking of Starmesh as it is cheaper, uses different satellites & quite simply doesn't appear to want it's customers to jump through hoops.  

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Yes, totally understandable to get swept up in the future plans. I often do that too, well specifically in my case one of my alters does this to the nth degree. He will act independently with hyper enthusiasm, but not realise all the ins and outs of the situation. It’s strange when I look back and see what he’s done and I have to try to deal with the implications 😂 But in your case, it sounds like you know what you are looking for in a breeder and finding out about their practices sounds like a good idea. Writing lists of questions is also a great idea to ensure you get to find out everything you would like to know. I’m really glad you are feeling much calmer today and also that you can at least see progress with the yards.

Yes, the little doggy did wonders. The lovely lady I was staying with said I could take my time leaving this morning and I felt a pang of sadness, saying goodbye to him and to her and the nice suburb as well. It has a village-like feel which I really like. Back in the city now, and I did feel a sense of loneliness, coming back to accommodation where I am alone again. But then I cheered myself up with some yummy Lebanese food and walking around with my camera doing experimental street photography with long exposures where I capture motion. Melbourne is a street photographer’s dream. It was lovely, warm and sunny today and I imagine similar where you are.

I am noticing how my moods change a number of times in the day. I think I have always been like this and about nine years ago I wondered if I had cyclothymia, which is like a milder version of bipolar. But I think most likely the mood changes are all the DID which is apparently often misdiagnosed as other conditions, including bipolar and cyclothymia. This is because different alters can be triggered throughout the day, and these can be experienced as quite sudden changes in mood. It’s such a strange thing becoming conscious of these processes this year. Before I was just stumbling in the dark all the time, so it’s certainly better now being a bit clearer about what is going on.

Starmesh sounds like a potentially good alternative. Having a look at customer reviews may help to give an indication of how reliable their service is relative to others. I imagine you have been looking into that already. It will be great to be reliably connected.

I’ll have a look at the photos I took tonight now and try not to go to bed too late. With daylight saving, it’s easy to think it’s earlier than it actually is. I’m a bit hyper with too much coffee, so I’ll see how I go. The altar I mentioned above is the one who does the photography and he could just go and go and have no sense of time passing. I really had to rein it in and make myself (or ourselves) call it a night. Melbourne is buzzing at night in a way you just don’t see in Perth.

Sleep well dear Paws 😴

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I'm glad you decided to do some photography in town.  How did they turn out?  I clearly have even more in common with your hyper enthusiastic alter other than just getting swept away with possibilities, I'm also very good at having no sense of time when I'm on a roll doing something.  So if you stayed up late last night because of that alter, I will give him a leave pass, especially as I was up far too late as it was too stuffy here to try to sleep.  It was so muggy yesterday, I hope where you are staying has good air flow through & that you slept well.  

Is the suburb you were staying in with the little dog one you might consider moving too or is it a bit far out?  Given how much that little dog helped you I'm thinking when you do move it might be good for you to get yourself a furry friend.  A rescue dog or cat would have landed on it's paws if it got to live with you.  

It is so intriguing how as you learn more about your alters & living with them you are finding so many answers to the what & why of so much you have experienced in the past.  Your description of having been stumbling in the dark before is a very evocative one.  

How many more days do you still have to explore before you leave?  

I hope today went well.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

How did you go today? I hope you had another day of feeling better. I hope that your nervous system can start to regulate and know you are safe. 

Some of my night images are turning out ok I think. I know ultimately when I see them big on my computer at home. Both my camera and lens are image stabilised, which means I can shoot at quite low shutter speeds in low light.

I understand about having the trouble sleeping as I found it muggy too. Unfortunately there are some kind of night works going on here all through the night, so I didn’t sleep well at all. I was hearing these weird sound frequencies in my dream, then I fully woke up at 2:30am and realised those sounds were coming from outside. Not sure what kind of construction it is but it’s pretty noisy and disturbing. So I got going late this morning and had a bit of a migraine developing, but it did gradually improve with medication and as the day went on.

Yes, the suburb with the little dog is a major contender. I actually went there last year and that is why I returned and chose to stay there again. It’s on the train line and not too far out. The staff where I am staying are lovely and I had a nice chat with one of them this morning about different areas. He lived in that area previously and said it’s really good. The area I checked out today was recommended by another one of the staff here. I have just met one lovely person after another in Melbourne. This morning on a tram I watched a young man helping an elderly gentleman work out which stop to get off at by doing some searching on his phone for him. I had a lovely chat with someone at one of the tram stops. Yesterday morning I got a coffee in the suburb I was staying in and, because I was in transit with my suitcase, the young woman working there was asking about my travels. She took such an interest and wished me well. Then today I saw a bumper sticker on a car that said, “It’s ok to be not ok”. That is so different from the bumper stickers I usually see in WA which usually say something much less charitable that I won’t repeat here. I’m not saying people are unfriendly in WA, but there really is a noticeable level of friendliness here. I know it may not be everywhere here, and I may be idealising things somewhat, but it just feels like there is a higher level of kindness here as well as inclusiveness. I love that in Melbourne city so far I have seen someone in their pyjamas, someone dressed as a bumble bee, someone about to get into a giant bunny costume, and people with the most eclectic fashion sense which is all totally fine here. It’s so multicultural too, more than anywhere else I can think of in Australia.

Yes, having a furry friend would be lovely, but it will depend on the place I end up in. At the moment I can only really consider a small unit or bedsit. So I am not sure if a dog will be possible. I read today that Melbourne house prices are expected to significantly increase next year, so that’s a bit of a worry for me too. So I will just see how things go. I have just two full days left to explore.

I hope you can sleep well tonight Paws. 

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Yet another day spent mostly in bed, this is day 4... I'm going to try pushing my stubborn button & see if that helps me go back to getting up at a reasonable time in the morning starting tomorrow.  The last few days have thrown into sharp relief how much better I feel when I get up & go to bed early, I also manage to get things done when I keep better hours which helps my mood & sense of self worth.  So if you feel tremors rumbling through the ground tomorrow, don't worry it won't be an earthquake, it is just me putting my paw down... hard. 🤣

I don't think you are being idealistic with how you view peoples friendliness here.  I've found though that it does seem to be... ohhh what's the word... perhaps 'variable' & dependant on time & place.  Where I last worked was near a men's shelter & many of the residents had mh issues.  I do find it sad just how much I was amazed by how kind & considerate all the locals were to these men.  It should have seemed normal, but of course not everywhere is like that.  When the mental health inpatient unit (where I was admitted years later) was being planned, the number of people objecting & saying not in my area was depressing to see.  

I don't see the range of fashions in big town or at my local general store that I used to see in & around Melbourne.  Though realistically trying to farm in a bumble suit would be tricky. 🐝🙈  

I hope you can block out the construction noise & get some good 💤

big hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I do hope you have been able to sleep at night and be active in the day as you hoped. It’s easy and understandable to fall into a bit of a rut, especially if there are circumstances that are triggering. You might also be re-calibrating after things got activated and maybe your system has wanted down time. How are you feeling today?

I’m sorry for my delayed response. I was so busy in the last few days, trying to fit things in, and just too tired to post. I arrived home today, but it was a bit of a journey as the flight was delayed leading to a two hour wait in the airport, followed by more time waiting on the tarmac once on the plane. We were told initially it was to do with a part that engineers were looking at. But once on the plane the pilot was much more explicit and said one of the main screens, a navigation panel, wasn’t working and they were replacing it. He said something like it needed to be replaced so we didn’t do a nosedive after take-off 😯😬🙈 Fortunately though flying anxiety is not one of my anxieties, so I was okay with all this. The main flight attendant communicating with us was hilarious with his commentary, which actually put everyone at ease. At the end of the flight he was holding up a little boy so he could use a panel screen and see how it works. One of the other flight attendants had a puppet and was holding and interacting with a baby on board. I sat next to a lovely person too and also managed a couple of mini sleeps during the flight. This morning it was so atmospheric and kind of peaceful pulling my case through the Melbourne CBD at first light. It’s so bizarre that I am now on the other side of the country. I’m totally exhausted but only had to drive back from a regional airport this time which does flights to Melbourne.

The views that you mention about the mental health inpatient unit are similar to ones that I’ve heard in Perth as well. There often seems to be a particular fear around mental health issues. It’s sad because any one of us could potentially end up in need of assistance at such a unit. The “not in my area” thing often seems to happen in either affluent areas or areas that are becoming gentrified. It can also happen in these areas in relation to social housing initiatives. I’ve been reading a lot about different suburbs in Melbourne, and while some are known for being inclusive and community-minded, others are described as being more exclusive and there is often a “not in my backyard” view in relation to any kind of new initiatives. At least that is according to the things I have read on online forums.

I did a lot in the last couple of days, including visiting photography galleries and exhibitions to get a sense of creative things of interest to me in Melbourne, and exploring some nature areas. I did a walk through parts of the Yarra Bend Park which was interesting. In Perth there is still a lot of remnant native vegetation including in many of the parks. However, in Melbourne most of the parks I’ve seen have introduced species and are often European in style. That’s why it was good to see what things are like along sections of the Yarra River where there is still native vegetation. I actually feel much more peaceful and at home surrounded by Australian native bush that I do in European style gardens, even though the latter are very beautiful.

I hardly slept last night, which I think was initially because I was so exhausted I couldn’t sleep. Then one of my alters had a crisis about the future again, reflecting on how that is going to be managed. This was T, so D and I worked on a plan to alleviate his sense of responsibility, but then realised this wasn’t going to work because he won’t relinquish it. I then started to feel T’s distress, but then a visualisation emerged to replace a disturbing one, and this was healing, not just for me but for T as well. So we are working on changing lifelong patterns linked to past trauma conditioning.

I am rambling now. Must lie on my couch for a bit. Hope you’re going ok Paws and big hugs from me 🐻🤗

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I'm not surprised you are exhausted after your visit to Melbourne & then all the delays travelling home.  Your mind & body has been on the go the whole time you have been away lass, getting home would have given it the signal it could finally hit the brake.  

Yes most of the gardens in inner Melbourne are primarily European in design & plantings, though I believe they are trying to increase the number of natives they use.  There are native areas with walking tracks around some of the rivers in the more outer suburban areas , Plenty River Gorge springs to mind as it is only about 25km north of the city, though to get to most of them you do need a car.  

How reassuring of the captain of your flight, I hope no one on the flight was a nervous flyer as that sort of comment would I think set them off.  Though I do like it when they tell you what the actual issue is rather than the more generic.. mechanical issues.  

I do hope you managed a good nights sleep last night

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I looked up Plenty River Gorge and it does look a bit similar to the area I was in but I imagine is a bit quieter being further out. There was the noticeable presence of traffic noise in the area I was in, even though it was peaceful in the location. I looked up getting to Plenty River Gorge from where I was staying in the CBD and it actually is accessible on the 86 tram in about 1 hour 26 minutes or by train in 1 hour 10 minutes. So it would take a bit of time, but I could get out there and could visit it in the future. 

What I find interesting is seeing plants similar to WA yet slightly different - so eucalyptus trees but different ones, and some wildflowers that are similar. I saw some nice wildflowers along the Merri Creek trail too. Something that was exciting for me to see in Yarra Bend Park was a dragon lizard that was larger than ones I usually see here. Looking it up I’m pretty sure it was a type of Water Dragon. I always feel it is a blessing encountering wildlife.

Yesterday morning I did a walk here and I saw a cute little Quenda (southern brown bandicoot) feeding out in the open, seemingly oblivious to me. I really wanted to pick up him or her and give them a cuddle 🥰 I noticed that my physical strength and conditioning has improved greatly from all the walking I did in Melbourne. I need to maintain that now.

What did happen around 4pm yesterday is I started to quite rapidly spiral back into depression. I was able to quickly identify that loneliness and isolation are my biggest triggers and the lack of human connection here is a huge issue for me. I’m going to have to be really proactive in finding ways to overcome this and I think getting involved in things in other towns where I feel more comfortable is going to be necessary. I just have to find the right things for me.

One thing I came across in looking at volunteer options yesterday was walking the dogs of people who can’t do it themselves. In WA the organisation doing this is called POOPS (Pets of Older Persons). Unfortunately the nearest opportunities for this for me are more than an hour’s drive away, so I would have to think about doing that as an ongoing commitment. But I was just wondering if there’s something similar to that near you Paws where you could walk dogs for people who can’t do it themselves? I was thinking this would give you that time with dogs which can be so healing and make such a difference, plus you would get the satisfaction of helping someone and possibly some friendly chats with those people. I’m just guessing that there may be a similar organisation in Victoria.

What I’m learning is that things can only be done in small steps and it’s just being kind and patient with oneself, gradually moving towards goals. I was wondering if you have thought more about going to some dog shows or meeting and chatting with breeders? I know that even making those steps can be hard, including dealing with the social interactions. But I do think we can be lifted by social connection and it’s often a case of just easing our way gently into it. I took a bit of a risk staying in someone’s house in Melbourne, but the lady was so friendly. Just prior to that I was getting the severe panic attacks again, but while there they eased right off and I realised how much better I feel being in a house with another human and a doggy too. Like I am wired to connect and then I return here alone and I start going backwards. So I guess I’m thinking of your well being too and what things may help you to feel those connections which can be so regulating and helpful.

It’s beautiful weather here today ☀️ I hope you have a peaceful day Paws.

Hugs,

ER