Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I thought I would just check in to see if you are ok? No worries if you are having a break.

I hope you might be enjoying some nice spring days. It's continued to be on the cool side here. I have a blankie on me as I type this.

Big hugs 🤗

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I popped on yesterday to do a quick little post to let you know I was thinking of you as my notifications page showed Trueseekers last post on the 28th was the most recent post here.  I was surprised to see you had replied last Wednesday.  It was late so I didn't try to start a full post in reply, I thought it best to leave it until today.  I logged in today & your most recent post from yesterday isn't showing on my notifications either... I can only see it is here when I'm on this thread... very strange... I wonder why not?

It is good that you feel something positive came from your brothers visit, despite the issues that came up.  Hopefully you will both be able to gain some healing & find a way to move forward & manage to build a supportive relationship over time.

Oh lass your new alters sound exhausting.  I'm not surprised you are feeling the need to sleep more.  How are you finding working with your psych to unblend yourself from each new one, is she able to help in a practical sense?  I guess what I'm wondering is are there ways for you to untangle things yourself that she can help you practice?  Your finding it easier to deal with them when you aren't blended makes perfect sense.  

Sometimes I swear the mugs in this house have a life of their own & move without any input from me.  How else can it be explained when I find one in a very strange place & I have no memory of even being near that spot.  I know there are people (family) who will say it is just me being daft & muddle headed, but I'm sure it can't be that.  🤣  It is far more creditable to assume they move themselves.  Things do do that here, how else can my house keys end up in the fridge... 🙄🙄🙃 teaspoons & knives vanish without trace, not to mention that with the clips I use to hold my hair in a bun, three different ones have mysteriously wandered off on their own over the past year alone!!   Mum would say I've crossed a fairy. 

Last week on my drive into big town I almost took out a low flying duck.  The silly thing was on the verge with it's mate & as I drove towards them they both took flight.  Now as I'm sure you are aware ducks aren't the fastest at getting up & away... one duck sensibly took off along the length of the verge... the other one flapping furiously decided that turning onto the road at windshield height was the best way to go.  I suppose discovering my brakes can stop me really well even at 100km could be seen as a plus, in reality I was lucky there wasn't anyone behind me.  By the by... the duck did finally fly out of range, just very slowly.

Not really spring weather here, mostly overcast, with lovely showers of rain coming through in bands.  Oddly it's the warmer nights I'm most noticing, rather than any day time temperature changes.  

Being under a blankie sounds so comfy.  

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I'm glad you are ok. I'm not sure what is happening with notifications as this last post of yours did not show up in my notifications either. I found it because I looked at the thread. So I don't know what is happening 🤔

Yes, my psych is helping in a practical sense with the unbending. At times it's hard to do myself. In the last two sessions just having her as an external person to the system acknowledging the parts that are blended, enabled the blended part to separate quite quickly. I can immediately feel the relief when this happens. We can then work with those parts separately. At the moment I'm all blended up again and have been awake since 2am. As certain parts have significant distress surfacing it means I can feel quite awful. The 9 year old separated out for a bit and is clearly very restless but is back inside at the moment. I'm going to email my psych today about working on a strategy where it becomes easier to separate them on my own.

I love your Mum's saying about crossing a fairy 🤣 You have a mischievous little sprite in your midst 😆 I too have left my keys in the fridge 🙃 I have a tendency to lose my phone which feels stressful as it feels like my only contact with the outside world. I try to remember to only put it in certain places but inevitably still leave it in locations I forget about 🙄

I'm glad you did not have a duck collision as close as it came. So often animals seem to startle with a car coming and decide to run or take flight, when if they just stayed where they were they would be fine. I remember once driving on a country road having an emu running alongside me. It was between the road and the fence line. I'm glad it didn't deviate onto the road. Sadly you do see a few dead emus on the country roads around here that look like a piece of carpet from a distance and then when you get closer you realise what it is 😥

Speaking of things passing, fluffy cat has just recently passed away. She only was briefly unwell with a heart issue. She was 12. I feel like she is in a peaceful place now, having lovely extended naps as she always did. She was an epic sleeper. She brought a lovely energy with her sweet nature. I love that she still had the play instinct of a kitten, even the last time I looked after her.

It continues to be kind of wintery here as well. I still have to rug up when I go outside and even indoors, especially if I'm still for a while. It's hard to comprehend that in the north of the state there is a heatwave with 40+ degrees temperatures. Now you mention it, I'm noticing warmer nights too. Some nights I wake rather overheated under my doona.

Have a lovely Wednesday!

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oh lass how terribly sad that Fluffy Cat has passed.  I do like your description of her now being able to have long naps in peace.  Woofa was good at having long naps in the sun coming through the window, perhaps they are now napping together.

My mum was one to follow a few superstitious rituals, such as if salt was spilt then a pinch of it had to be thrown over the left shoulder. She also spoke of the faerie folk as if they were real, yet phoo phooed ghosts. I still to this day don't know if she genuinely believed in such things or if they were just habits & stories she had picked up as a child. My sisters & I saying "touch wood" & tapping either wood or our heads whenever we say something that could be thought of as tempting fate is a habit we all picked up from mum.  If she was still with us she would have turned 101 today.

I hope your psych can give you some ways to help you separate yourself from your alters.  It must be especially hard with the young alters as children have such limited, or completely lack, emotional skills & can find themselves easily overwhelmed.  Your feeling awful while being tangled up in that type of response to distress is understandable.  I do hope you managed to get some sleep.

Huggily Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Thank you kindly re: Fluffy Cat. I love the idea of Woofa and Fluffy napping together. She was a small cat and it would look so cute seeing her nap with big loveable Woofa.

I've heard of rituals such as a pinch of salt being thrown over the shoulder. I think these things do get passed down the ages and may have quite ancient origins. How amazing to think your mum would have been 101 yesterday. I had a family friend visit recently whose mum actually lived to 106!

Yes, the young alters are trapped at those earlier ages and can be easily overwhelmed. When they are internal it's like they are clinging to me with their desperate emotions which is really hard. But once externalised it is so much easier and I don't find it too hard to care for them. I'm having a rough time with nerve pain at the moment which woke me multiple times last night and I can feel I've lost contact with my internal system to a large degree. So everything is feeling a bit much right now. But I'm seeing my psych tomorrow and I expect externalising some of them will help.

As I type this a magpie is sitting outside the window singing in that beautiful way they do. May you have a lovely day Paws (where I've realised it's afternoon already as you are 3 hours ahead now).

Huggily hugs to you too,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I hope your psych was able to take you through some steps you can do at home to unblend.  You're description of them clinging to you immediately made me think of being in the water & trying to help someone who is out of their depth with them hanging on in such a way you feel like they will pull you down with them.  Finding yourself trying to keep your own head above water, while trying to calm them down enough to let you help, it takes so much energy & focus.  I wonder if this is what you are experiencing & if that may be why you feel you have lost contact with your own internal system.

Lass would having more Bowen therapy help at all with your nerve pain?  Having it wake you numerous times during the night is awful & won't be helping with everything else you are trying to deal with.  I know you prefer to not resort to meds where possible, but if it continues perhaps there is some OTC med/cream your chemist could recommend that could at least take the edge off so you can sleep.

I am managing to make a very small improvement with regulating my hours so I'm not sleeping the day away.  It still isn't what I'm ultimately hoping for, but I've managed for the past week to be up & out of bed before 10am.  I'm noticing on the few days I got up around 7am that I got things done throughout the day.  At the moment I'm not pushing myself to try & get by 7am every day, I'm simply trying to to make sure I don't stay in bed any later than 10am. 

I hope you get a good sleep tonight.  😴😴

Gentle 🐻 hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

That is great you are able to regulate your hours more the way you would like. I too have found that days I'm up early I can get more done. I find it's not just the extra time but it's like my energy is different throughout the day. I think just aiming for the 10am time is fine. It's good not to push yourself and just little by little work towards your goals.

I did Bowen a week ago and it did help for a few days but the pain is back strongly. I think the nerve compression may need additional help. In both wrists it's now carpal tunnel syndrome and I have a similar nerve pain and effect in my ankles and feet, though not as bad. Have just left a message with an occupational therapist regarding possible therapy and hand splints. It's very difficult to type so there may be some gaps from me in communication. I'm going to see if I can use Siri or voice activation for typing. I just took anti-inflammatories about half an hour ago that are kicking in a little. It's very demoralising as all tasks are difficult. I cannot do the things I love like photography and photo-editing. At times I'm just extremely depressed. I may be able to go back to photography and photo-editing but in very short bursts, probably no more than 5 minute brackets with the photo-editing. It was my therapy and meditation before and I feel lost without it.

Yes, parts within the internal system are not doing well. I saw my psych this morning. My 9 year old part very briefly unblended only to go straight back inside. I think the non-stop nerve pain doesn't help and not sleeping well. To be honest, I'm really over everything and there was so little help from the doctor here I'm trying to find other sources of help for the pain. My psych is kind though and I saw the hormone specialist doctor on Tuesday who is kind as well, so trying to focus on the good things.

I hope you are getting weather you like. It continues to be a bit cold here. I'd like to lie down in some nature spots but find I get a bit shivery outside and it's been mostly cloudy. I hope you are enjoying your day and have a lovely weekend.

Hugs 🤗

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I'm wondering if it is carpal tunnel syndrome in your wrists if you have similar pain in your feet & ankles.  It might well be CTS in your wrists with a completely different cause for your feet & ankles, it just seems strange that they developed about the same time.  I know your GP isn't usually very helpful, but maybe it would be helpful for you to insist on having a full blood works done just so you can rule out it being anything else especially as you have been having a bad patch of headaches & migraines too.   It is quite possible of course that if you take things easy it may all self resolve especially if it is CTS as that is known for having flare ups which then settle down.

Thank you for the heads up that you might be needing to take a break or breaks.  I will still be worrying about about you, just not about why you aren't here as much as you usually are.  Yes Paws is allowed to worry about you.

Some happy news for you... today I went to my nephews for a family bbq lunch & finally met the new little addition to the family.  I even managed to be there for hours without once having a cuddle with him.   While I know that doesn't sound too good in the normal way of things, he did get lots of cuddles from the others there, but as I have a strict rule of I'll only hold the baby if it is already crying 🤣  it shows what a cheerful little chappy he is.  I did have one of my other great nieces perched on my lap for a while so she could see him, so I didn't fully escape.  From the cluckiness being displayed by some of my other nieces & nephews who were there, I don't think it will be that long before there are more additions.

Be gentle with yourself lass you deserve all the gentleness 

hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I'm typing this hands free with voice dictation. I'm amazed how well it works. It means I can still communicate when I thought I would be limited for a while. Thank you, yes, I'm going to the GP on Tuesday to investigate further. While there definitely seems to be a carpal tunnel issue, there's also a lot of general nerve pain throughout my whole body. Thinking back to the three months following the EMDR, my body was subjected to relentless adrenaline surges and the nerves everywhere felt like they were getting an electrical shock. Then I had a fall and that seemed to be a final trigger for ongoing nerve pain. The EMDR unleashed very early trauma memories in a very raw way that really sensitised me. I also learned that CTS is often linked with hormonal changes that cause inflammation. It's kind of a perfect storm of things.

Thank you for worrying about me. I worry about you too 🤗 I am doing what I can to solve things, and I'm also seeing an occupational therapist on Monday to look at getting splints for the CTS. The other thing that came up in my therapy session yesterday was how I have really negated and neglected my own body. It's like I'm still needing to come back to myself and nurture myself. I've always felt under pressure and have always been striving so hard to do things right, especially by others, and that definitely stresses the body over time. 

I'm so glad you got to spend time with your nephew's little guy and other family members. You made me laugh about the strict rule of only holding an already crying baby 🤣 I've had that anxiety before where I hope they don't start crying as soon as I'm holding them. It's lovely your great niece still climbed on you 😊😂 Children have a way of innocently connecting. She would have felt comfortable and happy with you, with you being such a kind and gentle person. It's lovely if there will be more little bubbas to dote on soon. It sounds like a wonderful and supportive extended family environment.

I have been hearing a boobook owl out there tonight. There has been some gentle rain. The weather is warming up a little. Wishing you a lovely Sunday tomorrow (or today where you are). I must head off to bed now.

Warm hugs,

ER 🤗

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Wow the app you are using to type hands free is good.  I must admit I'm behind the times with such things.

I am glad you are going to see your GP on Tuesday.  If he isn't listening as you want him too, & you are struggling to get your needs heard, then imagine you are standing up for Paws & advocating what she wants & needs.  Yes you are allowed to sound very cross with him & you can tell him "I won't be fobbed off... I know my body better than you & things are not right".  A very stern frowny face is best.😠   

As your psych discussed with you, caring for yourself first & foremost is something you need to practice lass.  If pretending that you are standing up for someone else as a first step for advocating what you need is how you start, that is ok. I think you probably won't need to though, you may not have noticed, but you are getting much better at seeking out & saying what you need, than when you were first on here.  

Yes my younger sister's & my brother's offspring have always got on & it is nice to see when they are together.  The family rift was between my older sister & that brother so her offspring haven't been a part of such gatherings in the past.  There have been very tentative olive branches offered in part since she passed & plans are in the making to have a get together early next year & invite everyone regardless of which side their parent was on.  

It hit me yesterday just what an age difference there will be among my great nieces & nephews, some are already in high school & then the ages decrease to this the newest addition & possibly on to others as yet unborn, but hoped for in the next decade.  

Lots of wind & rumbling thunder accompanied by squally rain bands all day here.  It is forecast to be in the low teens all week except for Thursday when it will jump up to 24.  I'm definitely not looking forward to that.

I am envying you you Boobook Owl🦉

Hugs

Paws