Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Paws,

Yes, I relate to the pattern of doing things for the sake of others and out of a sense of obligation. When I’ve looked after other people’s dogs, as I did for landlords when they went away, the dogs came first. Even when something really didn’t suit me, even affected my health, I’d prioritise something for them. I loved them to bits and was glad to care for them, but I did so in a way that my own needs remained invisible just as they did with other people. I think it’s a gradual process of awareness that helps to shift the pattern. For me I can see one of my alters at the moment doing this and it’s painful to watch. I don’t want him to suffer so I’m supporting him to change the pattern. Last night I got a message to him too that I also need to be so aware of which is - “It’s ok to ask for help”. I realised that within the system I now realise exists, he needs to be able to voice when things are too much or he needs support, as he works so hard to support everyone else. The other night he slid onto the kitchen floor, clearly not ok. When I asked what’s wrong he could only say, “Worthlessness” and “I’ve let everybody down “. The total opposite is true but of course he wasn’t believing that. Today he’s doing better and is letting go of some of his hypervigiliance, but my goodness it’s difficult, like an addiction to endless conscientiousness and self-imposed pressure. So I can vouch for really caring for this part of yourself Paws (knowing that that part is not a separate identity for you the same way it is for me). You absolutely deserve that compassion and support. I’m happy to be a founding member of the “Paws is Worth It Society” 💖 🐾 I agree, it’s so tiring having that sense of “must do” something. I think it can change the feeling energetically when we think of acting according to our own interests and preferences.

Oh, that’s frustrating about the car. I do understand as I can do such things myself. What I regularly do now is put appointments into the Reminders app on my phone. So the day before I’ll get a message reminding me of something the next day. I find this helps me as I can be a bit all over the place, which in my case I’ve realised is largely a dissociative issue with a lot of blanks. Even as I type this now I’m having a blank afternoon and trying to stay in focus.

On Thursday I went to the Bowen therapist I’ve been to once before and it’s been very helpful for aches and pains. The pain has been nerve type pain and I know the carpal tunnel issue is a compressed nerve. But my whole body has had that edgy, nervy pain and knowing that Bowen treats the nervous system via adjustments to the fascia, I thought it might help. It really has. A few hours afterwards I felt the first release in my nervous system and this morning another release. The pain is less and I have much more fluidity and range of movement through my whole body. It’s still working progressively through me which is normal with Bowen therapy. It’s a very gentle approach which really suits me. So I feel much more hopeful with more capacity and ease of movement. Thursday was lovely and sunny here. There’s been rain since though it’s sunny and breezy at the moment. I’ve had a walk each day and my knees are improving now 🙂

I love Crimson Rosellas - so striking. I remember seeing them at Sherbrooke Forest in the Dandenongs. One of my very favourite birds of eastern Australia are Gang-gang cockatoos, though I’ve only seen them in wildlife parks. There is something really sweet about them 🥰

I hope it’s been a good day for you Paws and that you have a lovely evening ☺️

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

You didn't say, but I'm guessing it was T who was feeling worthless & that he is letting the others down.  From how you speak of him, he seems to encapsulate the part of you that always puts others needs before his/your own needs & tries to always be the strong, supportive one watching out for everyone else.  I hope your support & reassurances can, with the help of your other alters, help him to break out of that mindset & realise it is ok to say "I'm not ok & I need help".   You are right it is like an addiction or hard wiring that won't bend itself to new pathways.  We need to keep reminding ourselves that new ways are achievable.

I'm having a better day today.  I've went to bed very early last night & I've been up since 4am.  I'm not feeling that pressure today, instead just a sense of going with the flow & I'm getting chores done, as well as taking time to do things like read.  OK they are all small bites of bigger chores, but each one done is one thing less to stress over.  

The place I had my car booked into did send me a reminder the day before the appointment, (I only found it yesterday) but because I was asleep all afternoon I didn't hear my phone & I don't check it for messages each day.  This time I have put it into the calendar on my laptop for the full week leading up & doing a countdown to the actual day.

That is great news that the Bowen Therapy has made a difference for you already & it must be such a relief to feel the improvement.  Paws🐾 is putting on her mother hen hat 🐔👒to remind you, even though you already know, do be careful on your walks, especially after rain. 

The last few years here I've had a small flock of about 6 to 8 crimson rosellas make my place home territory.  For some reason they love sitting on my gutters or scrabbling about on my verandah roof, even though there is a tree right beside the house.  They will land in the tree occasionally but always then move onto my house.  They appear most mornings for a few hours, with one or two popping back sporadically throughout the day & I can almost 100% guarantee they will be back in the late afternoon for a few more hours departing around dusk.  Surprisingly they don't use my birdbath.  Three of them have just arrived as I type this.  🦜🦜🦜

I hope you are feeling less out of focus today lass.  

Hugs for you & T

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

Yes, it has been T going through feeling worthless, anxiety etc. He represents and really is the part of me that has worked so hard to keep things together including responding to everyone else’s needs. Thank you so much for your support and for him too. Today I’ve mostly lost him and everyone and I’m severely dissociated and depressed. Only thing that helped was a walk. I realise things are worse when I lose communication with them. Trying to understand what is happening at the moment.

Thank you, yes, taking so much care on my walks. You should have seen how slow I was moving across some potentially slippery ground today. If anyone saw me I imagine they would have wondered what I was doing. I got to a rock where it’s good to lie in the sun. But when the sun went behind a cloud it was so cold again. The apparent temperature has been below zero multiple times and got down to -3.4 yesterday afternoon 🥶

I’m glad you have the Crimson Rosellas visiting. Parrots of all kinds are such delightful characters. The Kaka Parrots I met in NZ I grew quite fond of on Stewart Island. I actually cried just before I left hearing their call as I was going to miss them and their antics. They do have a rather intimidating beak though and are the biggest parrots I’ve met. I’ve just been watching a pair of Red-capped Parrots in my backyard. They have a distinctive percussive call.

I hope you are going ok Paws and that you have a lovely evening ☺️🤗✨

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oh lass you sound so very low.  I maybe well off the mark, but I'm wondering if your interaction with your GP has in part set this all rolling.  I know for me things like that can sit just below the level of my consciousness for days & days adding to my feelings of lack of worth & sinking me into depression.  Often it isn't until I'm well out the other side & improved that I can understand how easily & quickly it has affected me.  You have been dealing with a variety of things of late, each a "straw on a camel's back" in it's own way & as we both know the weight of those straws can become overwhelming & hard to carry alone.  

Your dissociation is a strategy your mind relied on as a child whenever you & your needs were overwhelmed or dismissed as unimportant or wrong.  It was a self protective response you needed back then & when we learn these things in childhood they can become the default setting for our minds now, especially when we aren't consciously aware how much we are struggling.  It may even explain your current lack of awareness of your alters, they are there & trying to help you lass, it is just taking them a little time to break through the child's protective shell your mind has put up.

You do matter lass... & I will happily be the founding member of the "Eagle Ray is Worth It Society".  🤭💜 In order to have the inaugural meeting of both Societies I have in my mind decided I'm making a big pot of tea along with some homemade scones.  Which I will bring to yours & we can sit out in your garden in the spring sunshine & enjoy them while we look at all the beautiful creatures that live there, from the resident lizards to the visiting birds & possums.  We can even take a walk & you can show me your granite rock & all your favourite places & animals.  Both aware we can be chatting or silent as we need & that is fine.

Sending you the biggest of 🐻 hugs

Paws

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

No pressure for you to reply lass.  

Just popping in to let you know I'm thinking of you & I hope you are reaching out to the help lines.  

Gentlest of hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

I'm sorry for my late reply. On Tuesday I had a debilitating migraine and so was out of action. Yesterday I went to my version of big town to do grocery shopping and then was doing some work with my inner team, so to speak (who were back after disappearing for a bit). T was having a very bad time and we were all trying to help him. I saw my psychologist this morning and we did some good work with him. I needed to co-regulate first with my psychologist and then co-regulate with T. He was feeling a lot better after that. This enabled enough courage to book a trip to Melbourne this afternoon for November to investigate further re: living there. However, while happy with the flights, T and I had more of a meltdown after booking accommodation. Initially we thought it was good value and there are very good reviews. But it's privately run through the same building that operates as a hotel for which there are a number of scathing reviews, including about personal safety issues. I'm not sure if I've made a good decision or not. Poor T has been suffering horrendous anxiety already. I'm trying to minimise costs but there is a trade off. So having trouble not feeling terrified at the moment, and I can feel T's fear as he is blended up with me. Blending is a thing with dissociative disorders.

What I have managed to establish is that T is the part of me that became an adult age 5 and grew up without ever getting to be a child while having to manage as an adult from when a small child. C, who is 9 now, was the child who was left behind. Her and T split into two different people at 5. C managed to get to 9 before she got stuck in time and left behind at that age while T kept going as my never-ending executive function/coping part. It's why T and C have a close bond as they split from each other and T is fiercely protective of C. It's all making sense now. B, who is currently presenting as about 14, is another self that emerged after C was left behind at 9. It was probably B today who rushed the decision about the accommodation as he is impulsive and sees only positives without necessarily thinking through everything. It will probably be all ok and I will just have to do some work to help calm myself and T down. T is essentially breaking down after decades of coping. I'm in the weird space of coming to terms this year with having a dissociative disorder and figuring out how to manage it. Overall it's actually easier than when the parts were more covert and amorphous, but I'm very conscious of it as like a full-time job now. D is the most mature of the parts and has been calm in recent days, so I think I need to talk to him!

Thank you for your very kind words. I would love to share tea with you and partake of your homemade scones. I can make a lemon cake with the lemons from my prolific lemon tree. The Splendid Fairywrens have been especially active. I'm sure you will enjoy the iridescent blue of the male fairywren in his breeding plumage. It's still very cold and wintery here. I think the weather is warming soon though so hopefully will be lovely for your arrival.

How are you anyway Paws? Is there some Spring weather emerging in your part of Victoria? Have you had any other birdie visitors recently along with the Crimson Rosellas? I hope you are doing okay and feeling content with wherever you are at with things.

Gentlest of hugs to you too 🤗

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oooh homemade lemon cake... yummm!!!  Yes please...  I will love to have a slice or two🤔 or maybe three 🤔or maybe???.... more... 🤔🙃🤣   

Sorry I don't know how these online booking things work, I did look at the airbnb site & they seem to allow cancellations with full refund up very close to the date booked.  Perhaps check out the cancellation rules that the place you booked have & if they let you cancel without fees, have a look around for somewhere else you would feel more comfortable with & if you find one, then cancel this first booking.  I do understand the panic that can set in when we second guess ourselves about something like this lass, I'm sure you will find a solution that suits, which may even be going with your first choice.  

I can see how in a way being more aware of your alters is beneficial, but it does sound as though dealing with them all could be very tiring.  Your saying it seems like a full time job does make sense as you do seem to have to deal with each one separately & also deal with their interactions between themselves.  Having to co-regulate with T after co-regulating with your psych does sound like it has doubled what you need to do to manage.  I hope as you become more accustomed to having them it does get easier.

I had a couple of Sulpha Crested Cockatoos visit yesterday, thankfully they went away.  There is a large flock of them that live around the village & they are very loud & destructive.  They also seem to have driven out most of the other birds in town, so I would hate to have that happen here.  

I spent today in bed, every time I stirred I could hear rain, strong wind & often thunder.  I think that counts as winter weather.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

That sounds cosy being tucked up in bed while it is raining, blustery and thundering outside - yes, definitely wintery. It's grey here today and I can see it rained overnight. It looks like from tomorrow we have a few spring-like days here.

The issue with Sulphur-crested cockatoos where you are sounds like what we have here with Corellas, especially the Little Corellas who have massively increased their range and really taken over in many areas. As we don't get Sulphur-crested Cockatoos here in WA they seem like a novelty and I know I'll be excited when I see my first one in the wild. But to locals in eastern Australia I imagine they are common and seen as a bit of a pest species at times. Certainly large cockatoo species can be on the destructive side. Yesterday on a walk I came across some Baudin's Black Cockatoos feeding on nuts in Marri trees. They are quite lovely actually and a threatened species, so I'm glad when I see them. I had to look out for falling gumnuts as I walked under the trees 😂

I cancelled the booking early yesterday morning and can get a full refund. It just felt wrong and I'm so glad I decided not to go with it. Instead I have booked time with someone in an Airbnb who has a dog 🐶💗 That's for the middle of the trip and is in the suburb I most connected with last time as a potential place to live. Either side of that I've found a good deal on accommodation in the city I feel much happier with. So I'm now really looking forward to it (and T is way more relaxed about everything).

It has certainly become very busy now with the alters. Apart from the adults in the system, I have a 9 and 14 year old to look after now! While it sounds like I'm doubling what I need to manage, I still find it easier than before when the same parts were just amorphous dissociative states. In the past my psych would ask me things like what am I feeling or what's happening for me in that moment (which I think was at times in response the the fact I was actually dissociating). However, I found it really hard to identify what I was feeling or what was happening for me and I can see why now - because the parts were blended up with me but I didn't even know they were there. Now it's much clearer - I can see the part separately and what is happening for the person, their emotions, body language etc. It tells me about a part of myself that I previously would have had so much difficulty discerning. It probably sounds weird saying I see them, but I see them in my mind's eye and it feels like they're really there. We did an unblending exercise yesterday and that's what brought T out and then, as my psych put it, it became a team effort between the three of us. I feel so much more positive being able to work with these parts. It has made things feel much more hopeful and possible going forward. I feel like I'm a container for the parts but I'm also working to help co-ordinate and nurture them, and everyone in the system has good intentions, is mutually supportive and wants the best for everyone else. It's not always like that in DID as people can have a lot of internal conflict. While my parts go through their difficulties, and D did once punch T which is totally out of character due to extreme stress, mostly there is a healing cohesion happening.

I can hear birds galumphing on my roof right now. Probably magpies I'm guessing as they're often up there. I hope you are going okay Paws and that today is a good day for you.

Big hugs,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

Hello again Paws,

I did reply to your post, then subsequently got a message about my post is now published (it seems it went through moderation), yet it still hasn't appeared, but hopefully will before long. Anyway, things are going quite well at my end. I hope you have a lovely day today.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I googled Baudin's Black Cockatoos, as they are WA birds I hadn't heard of them before.  It is no wonder they are endangered given their very limited nesting preferences.  I wonder if they would take to using nesting boxes in younger trees.  That would be a good PHD study for someone & it might help the bird's numbers increase.  There is a very good chance you will see Sulphur Crested Cockatoos in Melbourne while you are there, they have adapted to suburban life very well.  

Yes the way you describe it, it does sound far more helpful to have your alters visible rather than blended for now.  Especially as you are finding them mostly supportive & able to help you deal with each other of them.  Though the younger ones will I think need special handling, but in a way that may be good both for them & you.  Being able to give them the care & support you didn't get would I hope have a healing effect for all of you.

It is good not having neighbours.  I've been up since about 3am & at about 4:30am I felt like listening to some music I could sing along to.  So the music was cranked up to help drown out my singing & it really improved my mood even though it was for less than a half hours worth.  I might put some more on again later.  I do miss the days when I could make a cassette of a group of songs, having to change CDs after listening to the one or two songs on each that I wanted to listen to gets annoying. 

This going through things to de-clutter is turning up things I had forgotten I had.  The bottom drawer on my beside table sticks, so I use it to keep things I rarely or seasonally use, like my beanie.  I decided to go through it this morning & to get rid of things I no longer use.  Well I found an unopened box with a full bottle of perfume, no idea how it ended up in that drawer, but I sprayed some on & it still smells nice so I shall use it.  Rather serendipitous as the bottle of perfume I'm currently using is down to it's last little bit & I've been grumbling to myself about having to buy more.  

Hugs

Paws