Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I hope you are feeling better lass & that the migraine has finally cleared.  

I would think a bob tailed lizard would be too big for a kookaburra to just swallow as they often do with smaller reptiles, but they could manage it if they took it back to somewhere they could hold it down & just pull pieces off.  I've seen the ones here do that with larger snakes.

You do sound like you are finding the full emergence of your alters so very beneficial as you become more accustomed to interacting with them.  Being able to work through things with the help of a team sounds so much more supportive than trying to work through things alone.  I can understand why you are seeing that it may have potential long term benefits.

There have been studies done regarding how using the internet is changing how young people retain information.  Not just from internet use, but also from typing their work rather than manually hand writing.  The studies I've seen do show changes, though the study authors were careful to remain neutral as to whether the changes were good or bad.  It isn't just the shorter attention spans, but the difficulty many showed in retaining information.  Not just from internet use either, the use of GPS navigation systems has reduced young peoples ability to read maps or remember how to get from point A to point B.  I think the biggest problem though is we need to teach young people how to weigh up the veracity of what they read online & how to find reliable fact based information.  

Still winter here with rain & hail today.  Yayyy!!!  I'm not a fan of the other seasons as they are much more hay fever inducing.  Though if there is no wind a mild Spring or Autumn day is nice, especially Autumn days as the light is lovely in Autumn.  Summer is unbearable regardless.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Paws,

The migraine cleared by yesterday but I just had to take more meds just now as another one is emerging. It’s all hormonally driven at the moment.

The kookaburra I saw had a baby bobtail lizard, but it was still very difficult for it to swallow, especially with its triangular shaped head. 

Yes, I think discerning accurate information from inaccurate on the internet is an important skill. It’s quite disturbing the degree of misinformation spreading on the internet these days. I imagine teaching such discernment in interpreting information is a more critical aspect of education than it’s ever been. I still have no navigation system in my old car and still prefer mentally memorising from looking at Google maps first then using my memory rather than listening to instructions spoken from my phone. I can’t charge my phone in my car either so I prefer to save its battery life. So my mental mapping and navigation skills are still quite good and have actually improved over time as I’ve built confidence in them. I used to get lost more easily in the past which was a dissociative thing, but I’ve learned to largely overcome that.

There have been definite benefits to having alters emerge as distinct identities. But it’s also a challenge at times too. Yet another has been pushing through, a “delinquent” girl of about 9-12 years of age. She’s the opposite of the usually very quiet, obedient girl I was, but I can see isolated times she came out in my childhood. She is troubled and hyperactive and is going to need a lot of care. I’m learning not to be confronted by it and that I have to form relationships with these parts and support them. The recent younger male part is like this too - needing care and love. I’ve essentially become like a parent all of a sudden. I feel very protective of them.

I’m having a challenging time with involuntary tremors/muscle contractions in my right hand/arm/shoulder. It’s a bit freaky given it looks like the same contractions my dad had with Parkinson’s. But it could also be the low oestrogen state I’m in that’s causing all manner of problems at the moment. Apparently such muscle twitching can be triggered by perimenopause and menopause. I’m going to up one of my hormone meds today as the histamine intolerance has now completely gone, indicating that hormone has likely recently further depleted. It could explain why my recovery from the fall a few weeks ago has been so slow too as low oestrogen can lead to more aches and pains.

I’m glad you are enjoying the wintery weather! I agree that calm autumn days are especially lovely. I did more lying on a mat in the sun yesterday which I’m finding therapeutic. I hope the coming day today Paws is a good one for you. It’s still dark here and I’m getting the munchies so may have an early breakfast.

Take care and warm hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Yes fluctuating hormones can cause all sorts of muscle tremors, muscle weakness.  I found it was usually my arms/hands that were most affected & the weakness or shaking would come & go out of nowhere.  I must say I find it so nice to be past that & all the hormonal migraines which are now a dim memory.  

It sounds as though since you became more aware of the individual alters over this year, that you are having more come to the fore lately.  It must be difficult not to be overwhelmed by what they bring up, especially the young ones.  I think it is wonderful the way you are dealing with all the changes & the gentle kindness you are showing to the most troubled is so very lovely.

Have you been to the doctor about your knees yet or is there a long wait to get an appointment?

I've been up now since late yesterday afternoon, so though I'm still not yet tired I will try going to bed very early tonight.  I've been in a very neutral (is the closest word I can think of) mood since I woke yesterday.  I'm not feeling happy or motivated, yet I'm finally, for the first time in months, not feeling stressed out by everything that needs doing & I'm getting things done.  I've been moving between different activities without having to push myself & it has felt like I'm just flowing along doing a bit here & a bit there.  I'm really hoping I wake tomorrow still feeling like this.  

I saw on the news site that after the rains the WA wildflowers are blooming.  I remember you saying you would like to go & see them, so I thought I would mention it in case you missed it.

Enjoy your sunshine

hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I just had a look at the ABC news site about the WA wildflowers. I would like to go up to the Midwest but not sure if I'll make it or not. I will try to get out and have a look somewhere though. It's not surprising after the good rains. It's been raining pretty solidly here today actually.

I think I know the state you describe of being able to do things, even if not feeling happy or motivated. It is a kind of progress to be able to move in itself, like a progression forward from overwhelm. I know how hard that can all be. I think if you can feel a bit of that flow, moving from a bit here to a bit there, that is a positive. It's like not having forward expectations so much as just being in the present moment.

I went to the doctor today about my knees and also the muscle contractions in the hand/arm/shoulder. I think he diagnosed the latter correctly as carpal tunnel syndrome. He asked if I spend a lot of time on the computer and I said yes, I do photo editing for hours at a time. It looks like it has led to nerve compression in the wrist, leading to numbness, tingling and muscle contractions in the hand. It makes sense as I've realised my typing style involves my wrists being compressed against the edge of the desk, so right now I'm typing differently and trying to use my left hand primarily.

As for my knees, he wouldn't look at them. He just said leave it for now and come back if it gets worse. I tried explaining about the prior injuries to each knee including the medial ligament on the right knee that I did falling into a rock in 2018 and I really smashed again this time. I know that because I have fibromyalgia in my record they tend to just dismiss me in the way they stereotype fibro patients as malingering hypochondriacs. With the previous medial ligament injury I went to a physiotherapist who was perfectly helpful and friendly until half way through the consultation he asked me a question where I had to disclose about fibromyalgia. His demeanour completely changed and he became hostile, going on and on about all the things he thinks are wrong with fibro patients. So basically I left the doctor today feeling awful, knowing I can't be heard. I'm so over trying with doctors and as usual I'll be working the knee thing out myself. I booked into a Bowen therapist for next week who I saw in May. I find Bowen therapy more helpful than physiotherapy anyway and I've read it can also help with carpal tunnel syndrome. I was thankful the doctor identified the likely carpal tunnel syndrome, though even there I left with little idea of what to do about it. He did mention the possibility of a hand therapist or surgery if it gets worse, but I'm really learning to go my own path now to find answers and I suspect the Bowen therapy approach will help more holistically.

Thank you for the really kind words about my alters. I''m really not sure what to call them. They feel like a cross between a team and a family. The newest one is really troubled and I could feel her today after seeing the doctor. She feels invisible and irrelevant and needs a lot of support right now. I listened to a really nice podcast on radical acceptance with Loch Kelly and Tara Brach earlier this afternoon and it helped me cope with despondent emotions and hopefully the vulnerable 9 year old part of me as well. I think she's hiding because she feels bad, but I'll see what I can do.

I was thinking Paws, is there a way to perhaps get a puppy sooner by reducing the number of things to do beforehand? I was thinking if you just got the basics done necessary for a puppy arrival, once you have four paws in the house again you will lift a lot and it might be easier to complete other tasks. Though I know the new puppy will take up huge amounts of time initially, especially with training etc. I guess you will want to make things puppy proof before he or she arrives.

Sending you warm hugs and puppy snuggles,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oh lass I'm so sorry about the doctors unprofessionalism.  It is unprofessional to simply dismiss a patients concerns out of hand without any investigation at all.  Even if they think you are being a hypochondriac, that is a medical condition & patients with it should not to be dismissed out of hand but supported. The thing is we know our own bodies best & if we say something isn't right we deserve to be taken seriously.  I wish I could have been there for you, I'm great at standing up to doctors in situations where I'm supporting someone (hopeless at it when it comes to me though).  If it doesn't improve soon please go back & insist he organises some tests to see what is wrong.  For goodness sake it won't cause him any loss to do so.  (yes I made that last sentence more PG rated than what I'm actually thinking.)

The phrase "it takes a village to raise a child" popped into my head when I read you saying that you don't know how to refer to your alters.  I suppose that is how I understand it, your alters coming into being to support & protect & as well as shielding you growing up, now becoming companions to raise those issues & emotions from your past & to then help you as you work to heal.  Even the troubled alters help by giving you the chance to show them the support & care you didn't get & that in turn helps your own healing.  I do realise I may be well wide of the mark in my understanding of how it actually is for you, so I hope how I view you & your alters doesn't give offense or cause you any distress.  🐾🤗

Well my go with the flow got up & went. 😞  I went to go to bed last night & saw my phone was black & not responding, so I stayed up a bit later while it charged.  It does now show a circle with 100% charge if I plug in my charger, but it is still just a black screen that won't respond.  It isn't that old, but now I will have to go into big town first thing Monday & sods law tells me to expect I will have to get a new one.  Not a happy Paws. 😬😬

I haven't achieved anything yet today apart from going to get milk, but this last hour or so I'm beginning to feel that lack of stressing about things re-emerging so hopefully this means the flow might be returning despite my setback.  

Thank you for the hugs & puppy snuggles ✨

Big 🐻 hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I actually half expected that response from the doctor based on multiple past experiences. But as usual I've learned a lot through my own research in the last couple of days. The carpal tunnel syndrome seems the correct diagnosis, but I have learned today it is a common presentation in perimenopause/menopause and believed to be hormonally linked in many cases (it's most common in women aged 40-60). Hormone meds have been thought to possibly increase its incidence in some studies, or decrease it according to other studies. What this tells me is it is likely linked to the ratio of estradiol to progesterone. Hormonal changes are linked to increased laxity in the ligaments and more injury proneness and difficulty in recovery. This can be linked to the nerve compression of CTS. It also explains why my whole body is so sore and is so slow to recover from the fall, and why the prior medial ligament injury in my right knee is especially grumpy since being fallen on again. My instinct to increase one of the hormones in the last two days I expect is correct and will help with the aches and pains. I'm reading other women's stories of developing CTS at this age and also after starting one of the hormone meds, which if not balanced out by the other can lead to problems. So I think I'm solving the puzzle. Other women have said once they got the balance right, the CTS just vanished. So hoping for the same very soon 🤞 I won't be going to the hand therapist or surgery the doctor mentioned as I know neither will treat the cause. When I said to him on Friday that I thought hormones might have something to do with it, he looked at me like I'm a weirdo. Thank you for your kind support 🙏 Like you, I find it easier to stick up for others than I do for myself.

You are totally on the mark regarding it being like a village raising a child in relation to alters. My young, troubled 9 year old one actually spoke today for the first time. She has been mute up till now and holds a lot of trauma. Myself and T, who is very good with her and he brought her a dog companion two days ago which has really helped, took her for a walk this afternoon. Walking is painful for me at the moment but I knew it was important for her and I know the movement is good for me even if I'm stiff and sore. She is drawn to the wild and wanted to be outside and active even though it was cold and windy. She is slowly trusting us. A lot is happening everyday. While there has been quite a large number of alters over all, in terms of the main ones we are essentially a family of 6 now including me. I am having to make adjustments daily to the moods and circumstances of each person. We are all responsive to one another. Tonight T is troubled. I don't fully understand why, but I know to trust that things reveal themselves and make sense in time. Basically DID is essentially like living with the components of self others have, but you see them clearly as other people which really changes the nature of the relationships. I found it profoundly difficult to care for myself before, but now I have people who can care and I can also care for previously very neglected parts of self. It's really a remarkable thing and I am making more progress this year than I have in the entire rest of my life in actually doing the work of healing. But I know there is still a way to go and some very big challenges to work through.

Paws, with your phone, have you tried turning it on as it may have switched itself off? With my phone that involves pressing two buttons at the same time. The circle with 100% charged is a good sign. It may have actually switched itself off because it fully ran out of charge, and all you need to do is switch it on. Or if it is somehow frozen, it might be a case of switching it off and then back on again. I think getting the 100% charged message without anything else happening sounds to me like it did switch itself off. See how you go and, yes, you can go into big town if all else fails. My guess is it is probably ok and you won't need a new phone, fingers crossed 🤞Unless it is very old and maybe it is at the end of its phone life, but the battery message to me is promising...

[Eagle Ray]

Last bit as just over word count..

It's so wintery here again. The apparent temperature here was -3.2 a short while ago ❄️ It's certainly my coldest winter here. I hope you are warm and I hope the flow returns soon.

Take care a kind hugs 🤗

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Thank you so much for the suggestion about my phone.  You were right it had turned itself off.  I would have felt very silly if I had taken it in to big town just to be told it was turned off.  

My sister's birthday present arrived in the mail today.  I will open it later just to be sure it isn't damaged & to see if it is as I hoped.

My get up & go was still gone & I spent most of yesterday & today in bed despite waking often.  But in the last hour or so I have been feeling like doing things.  So fingers crossed I will get something done this evening as there will be time before I go to bed.  I only got up about 6pm today so bed time will be very late or perhaps very early in the a.m.  

Yep it being -3.2 is very wintery & you must be feeling it after having those mild sunny days.  I must admit it was nice being in bed yesterday with the rain & thunderstorms rolling through here.  I hope you are well rugged up when you are out & about with the wind chill able to make even a mild day brisk, which wouldn't be good for your painful areas.

Having your young girl feel able to speak is wonderful.  Even if she is not saying much, that she is speaking at all shows she is feeling safer with the support around her.  You had to stay silent, as a child & even into adulthood, about a range of things without the support you needed.  That she has turned up now as you are learning how to trust your alters & get support from them is to me a good sign.  I think it will take time for her to truly open up & trust, but just by being there she & you have taken another small step towards healing.  

I don't know if you have a bath, but if you do one thing that may help give you a little relief from your aches & pains is to have a soak in a warm bath with Epsom Salts.  It is an old school remedy, but I have found it helpful & my mum swore by it for her aches etc.  

Well I'm going to go & make myself a cuppa & while the kettle boils see what little thing I can do to kick things off.

Stay snug

🤗🐾

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I’m glad your phone is ok. I know that feeling of dread when it seems like an appliance is on the blink and it might be necessary to get another. It’s a relief when it’s still working.

I don’t have a bath but very much wish I did. It was one of the downsides of this place. The next best thing would be a heated swimming pool or even natural hot springs - the latter I don’t think exists anywhere nearby. I’m finding a hot shower good though.

I hope your sister’s present is as you hoped. I’m guessing you had an active night after awaking at 6pm. I hope you got to do some of what you wanted. I’m learning to try to change my thinking from “have to” to “want to”. I said to my psych yesterday a sentence that started with “I have to…” with regard to the week ahead before correcting myself and learning not to pressure myself so much. This is really one of my parts of self who is relentlessly conscientious. That part, T, is now exhausted and at the beginning of learning a new way of being. As a result, I feel kind of exhausted and actually feel a lot of need for rest/sleep after years, actually decades, of self-imposed pressure. I don’t know if you feel similar Paws, in terms of that feeling of pressure on self? For me I’m learning it feels different if I re-orient to thinking in terms of what I feel like and a sense of choice, rather than “I must” or “I have to”. I felt so much external pressure growing up and that I didn’t have a right to my own preferences and freedom of self. I’m slowly learning I have a right to exist and have preferences and choices!

Yes, it’s encouraging my 9 year old part is speaking - not a lot, but I thought it might take weeks and didn’t know if she would speak. She has adapted quite well actually as the different parts are sensitive and kind to her. Lots keeps happening everyday. Another part, a friend of T’s who first appeared in March, has now re-appeared. She is an older female part and the only extrovert in the system so far. The rest of us, except T who knew her already, have been a little scared/wary initially. I think it’s going to be ok though and she will provide some guidance and confidence to my 9 year old part who has not been allowed to be a girl (historically based on my mother’s fear of her being a girl). The newest older female part is both girlie but tough, warm but strong. It’s going to be interesting how that evolves.

I hope you’ve had a nice day Paws. I know you may have slept for some of it with your sleep patterns changing again. Take care 🤗

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

You made me curious about if WA has hot springs & so I googled it & there is one in the north of the state.  Despite my knowing that WA has been geologically stable for far longer than the eastern states I must admit I'm surprised there aren't more.  

I do think much of my feeling exhausted despite doing little is a result of the years of pressure to conform to a standard of behaviour & thinking that put me last in every area of my life.  In the past years since my complete breakdown I was beginning to learn to do things for me, despite lots of one step forward, two back at times.  Losing Woofa has thrown me right back to that struggle where if I do anything it is because I I think I must or should, not because I want to or see it as being beneficial for me.  I have been pondering this past month about why I've not been achieving any of the goals I set to get things done so I can get a puppy & it is making me rethink that whole premise.  These goals are beneficial to me whether I get a puppy or not, that I think is a healthier way to view them.  Trying to get things done for the pups sake is just another version of having to do things for others rather than for me, which is a mindset I'm trying to get past.  Plus it is tiring feeling I must, or I have to, all the time & the sense of failure when I don't is then then that much greater. 

I forgot 🙄🙄today was the day I had my car booked in. When they rang me after I was a no show the earliest date I could get is a month from now.  I am annoyed at myself.  

How are your aches & pains going lass?  Any improvement?  I haven't been watching the news so I have no idea what the weather is doing in your neck of the woods.  I hope it is nice enough for you to get out into nature.  

There was a small spill of grain lightly spread over about a car length patch of my road over a month ago & though it took them a while to find it, there is now a flock of crimson rosellas who seem to be a permanent fixture there.  They are the only bird activity I've seen with any regularity lately, the rain does seem to be keeping most of my regular visitors & residents away.  

Be gentle to yourself

hugs

Paws