Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Yes, watching ducks is lovely. Maybe you do need a new laptop. I know once they get to a certain age the operating system may no longer be able to be upgraded. I'm not sure if that is a factor in things crashing, but things often do work better with the latest OS and can start to struggle if the version is quite old. So you could always try an OS update first if your laptop can be upgraded and see if there is an improvement. It would be good to have a local IT person who could have a look and give helpful advice.

I'm sorry you have that heart issue and I hope it doesn't cause problems. I would not want to have a heart transplant either. It's incredible that these medical advancements exist, but I think each person has to weigh up what they feel their body and mind can handle. I think if you have a strong support network around you and you know you will have people to care for you, it does make quite a difference. I'm hoping I never get to the liver failure stage and doing my best to keep it that way. There is something in me that feels that any kind of operation is artificial in a way. I think I've become increasingly minimal in my tolerance of invasiveness. I saw my mother go through major medical trauma from operations and that has probably put me off for life. But I do get that certain advancements give some people a second lease on life which can be a wonderful thing in the right context.

It sounds like you do get quite a few long lasting fogs where you are. Here any fog lifts fairly soon after sunrise. I have found that sometimes it can be particularly nippy on sunny days as you describe. It's like on cloudy days the clouds are like an insulation layer, but without them it just gets colder. It's nice you have your foot warmer if needed.

I really hope the bear night light arrives this week. I'm sure they will understand if you have to let them know there is a delay. It may even be an excuse to go and visit again, maybe even after the baby is born to get to meet the little one. Not that you need an excuse of course. It's always amazing when a precious new life comes into the world.

I went for a walk by the river today. I met the lovely lady I got to know from at least a couple of months back now. We are going to catch up for a coffee tomorrow which I know will be good for me. She is one of those really grounded people you just know are made of good. I'll come by her place and we will walk with her little dog to a cafe. She asked me today how I was and I realised I'm still in a kind of shock from the last few weeks, like I'm kind of stunned. My brain is definitely still trying to process things. It's nearly impossible to explain the experience to others. But I think I'm making gradual improvements even though my system keeps relapsing into intense fear. I'm having to practise radical acceptance that my brain has been deeply affected.

I hope you are having a peaceful evening and staying cosy 🤗

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I hope your catching up for coffee went well.  Having the walk together to the cafe is a lovely idea.  

It is wonderful what medical science can do these days, there is a much greater understanding of how the human body works.  I think the problem can be when they think that because they can do something they must do it, when it comes to medical intervention & don't take into account what the patient considers will be best.  I have had some interventions done, I have a stent in my heart.  I agreed only after having both the procedure & recovery time clearly explained... it turned out to basically be a day surgery & I judged it worth doing.  I did spend more than a day in hospital, but that was because I agreed to be part of a medical trial regarding medications for initial treatment of heart attacks & so putting the stent in was delayed.  Do you have an Advanced Care Directive?  It might be something you would find beneficial.

The fog cleared early today & by late morning the Fairy Wrens decided to mob my garden.  I don't think I've seen that many together before.  They were flitting from the fence to the bushes, up to the tree, into the grass & then they decided the bird bath was the place to be.  They filled the rim, with more waiting on the reeds I have growing by the bath & were doing well at taking turns, but then a Willy Wagtail turned up & tried to chase them away.  It was hilarious  🤣🤣  Willy would chase wrens off in one direction & more would pop up over the side of the bath behind it getting in a quick splash.  The Willy would then turn & chase them off & another couple of wrens would pop into the bath behind it, more splashing & Willy would turn after them... then guess what?  yep a couple more wrens would pop up behind it getting in a quick splash.  This went on for nearly 10 minutes, I'm surprised the Willy Wagtail didn't give up, but it persisted & finally claimed the bath for itself.  

I can't do updates for my computer (or my phone) they both give me messages telling me they can't update at this time & to try when I have a better connection, which isn't going to happen here.  

I hope the creek near you gets more water & the fungi puts in an appearance for you.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I’ve just returned from the supermarket with supplies. Apart from being low on food, there’s a possible severe storm tomorrow and we do lose power here at times. So I’m going to cook up enough tonight that I have enough to eat tomorrow if the power is out and I can’t cook then.

That’s good to know a stent can be just a day surgery. I had always imagined it to be something that would involve a longer stay. I think I might be able to handle that if I ever had to have it done. No, I don’t have an Advanced Care Directive but I really probably should.

The wagtail/fairy wren shenanigans do sound hilarious 🤣 It sounds like the fairy wrens were teasing and having fun. Willie wagtails can certainly be tenacious and I’ve seen one repeatedly dive bomb a brown goshawk without fear. Fairy wrens seem full of lively delight and mischief. I once had two male splendid fairy wrens play fighting on my lawn and it went for ages. They were so hyperactive I was a bit worried they’d eaten coffee grounds I’d tipped in the garden and that it might be too much for their little bodies.

I’m thinking you could take your laptop to somewhere like your sister’s place and use her wifi for an update if she has a better connection. Systems generally remain more stable when updated and better protected from things like viruses. It does lead to some changes sometimes that you have to get used to with things sometimes operating a bit differently than before.

I walked to my friend’s place as planned and we went to a cafe with her cute doggy. She took a nice photo of me holding him on my lap. We talked for 5 and a half hours. It was really therapeutic for me. Only about 3 minutes after being on my own again my fear response massively ramped up. So something has definitely been altered in my brain and nervous system that keeps happening. But it’s clear that human contact helps to regulate this response.

On my way to my friend’s place I was walking by the river when I heard the familiar sound of a dolphin expelling air 🐬. This dolphin followed alongside me most of the way, really close to me at times. It felt like a good sign or guiding spirit. Later when with my friend I saw a dolphin leaping out of the water doing some flips. They often seem to do this when there’s abundant schooling fish which seems to make them want to express joy.

I hope you are having a peaceful, cosy evening Paws,

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Wow five & a half hours is a great chat.  The two of you must have hit it off beautifully.  It is great when we lose track of time when we are happily chatting with someone.  I hope the two of you keep catching up, either for coffee or simply joining up as she walks her dog or whatever the two of you would enjoy doing.  

How special having a dolphin 🐬 travel along with you.  Dolphins can be very observant of things that are out of the water, so it is quite possible it was deliberately staying alongside you by choice.  I think they are like dogs & can judge the humans they encounter.  Then to see one jumping out of the water, that would brighten my day, you do live in a wonderful bit of Oz.  

Fairy Wrens are very hyper active.  They must use up so much energy!  They remind me of small children who seem able to just keep going at a rate of knots for hours on end.  Another flash mob of Fairy Wrens swamped my bird bath early afternoon.  They had it to themselves today, the other birds weren't interested in bathing.

Well the night light didn't arrive.  I was lazy & drove up to my letter box to check.  Actually after a heavy frost this morning my dirt drive was very slippery, despite having had some sun, & I didn't like my chances on the slope even with my stick.  

I've been going to bed between 8 & 9pm all this week & succeeding in then getting up early in the morning (between 6 & 8am) rather than sleeping most of the day away.  I know it is just one week, but that's the longest I've managed to stick to a sleep schedule for what feels like forever.  So I'm feeling rather chuffed. 😊  Maybe I need to get some gold stickers to mark off each day on my calendar 🤣🙃🙄

I hope your power has stayed on.  

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I love hearing about your Fairy Wrens. They really do have incredible energy don’t they. I love how they sometimes snuggle up together on a branch. I had one convinced he was seeing another in a reflection in my shed window the other day. He kept trying to fly at the reflection but stopped when I went outside which was a relief as I worry when birds are confused like that. Us humans put things in their world that they aren’t evolved to deal with. They are so swift aren’t they. I often feel they kind of glide through the air much as a fairy would, and I imagine that maybe is where their name comes from.

That sounds very wise driving to check for mail. Although WA soils are generally sandy, around here there’s a kind of clay crust that gets very slippery after rain. I’ve taken some tumbles on it. It’s a bummer about the night light, but I think it’s a great reason to pay another visit, maybe when the baby has arrived and you can meet the little bundle of joy. I can’t help thinking how much fun it would be to decorate a home with children’s things even if an adult. I feel tempted by the doggy night light I saw after you told me about the one you bought 😂

Paws, it’s wonderful you are sleeping in the night and therefore able to be more active in the day. Yes, I think reward yourself with some gold stickers or other fun stickers of your choice ⭐️😀 I find if I do get up between 6 and 8am, the day seems the right length somehow. I hope it continues and helps you to feel good 😌

My new friend is a very wise and supportive person. She’s like an old soul who sees into the true nature of things. She is very kind and good to all people. She could see some small children near us with their parents at the cafe looking with tentative interest at her dog. She invited them over to pat him and the little kids really enjoyed it. He’s a great dog with little ones. His tail wags with enthusiasm.

I continue to go through relentless surging fear when alone and slept very little last night because of it. But my friend said a supportive thing at the end of our time together yesterday which was, “I’m confident you’ll get through this”. Her steadfast, grounded presence is so hopeful. I’m practising radical acceptance about what has happened to me and just have to ride the waves of distress somehow, and recognise the small improvements I am making.

The power stayed on here. We did have some very strong winds and thunderstorm activity early on, but the day overall was quite calm with a mix of cloud and sun.

I hope you have a lovely weekend ahead Paws.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Your new friend sounds like a very calming person to be around. I love that she let the children know they could pat her dog.  But what I love even more is that the children waited until they were told it was ok to approach her dog.  I really hope you & she can have many more catch ups as it would be so good for you & perhaps she also needs the human contact in her life.  You are such an easy person to talk to (even if it is only on BB), & so very kind & caring that I'm not surprised she wanted to catch up with you for coffee.

I had a wonderful drive to my nephews.  He & his partner have moved to a large country town & live near the edge of it, so almost my whole drive was on country roads.  The weather was perfect for driving & I actually felt like I was touring around on holiday with none of the pressure of running errands to big town or worse, knowing there would be city driving ahead.  It not only reminded me of my various driving holidays, but it also reminded me of the drives to nowhere in particular I used to do with Woofa, so he could see & smell the sights with occasional stops for walks & sniff arounds.  I arrived at my nephews in such a relaxed mood.  

It was lovely catching up with family, but I did need to leave after about 3 hours as it was a big gathering with lots of people I didn't know & I was starting to feel overwhelmed, as well as stressed by it all.  So the drive home wasn't as nice as I was so tensed up.  It took me awhile once home to settle enough to go to bed & unfortunately that led to me over sleeping, so no gold star today. ⭐😥

My vote is go for it, get the doggy night light.  We are never too old for such things & having some light to see if you wake from a bad dream can help you to resettle more quickly.  The added bonus is a doggy night light is cute & whimsical which entices a smile from us just from looking at it, which must help, even if only a little, with you coping overnight with your fear surges.  I leave the lamp in the lounge on all night & with my door open it acts as a night light, giving me enough light to see without being too bright.  

Huggily hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

Thank you so much for your kind, thoughtful comments. Yes, she is one of those people you come across every so often who is particularly grounded and wise. The little kids who were interested in her dog were just watching from a few metres away. She could see their interest and let them know they could come closer and pat him if they wanted to. I think you are such a lovely kind, caring person Paws and it has been so nice to have your beautiful presence here on BB.

I'm so glad to hear how much you enjoyed the drive to your nephew's. It really does sound so relaxing. Maybe it can even be some inspiration for other country drives in the future, such as having a nice day out somewhere? I am trying to get myself back into exploring more as I mostly seem to drive to my version of big town lately. Though tomorrow I am heading to the city for servicing my car and an appointment with the liver specialist. That drive is not as interesting as getting off the main highway and exploring new places, which I want to do more of.

I totally understand about the feeling overwhelmed and tensing up in the pressure of being among a lot of people including many you didn't know. In my 20s and 30s I used to go to parties I got invited to. There would be a lot of people but often many I didn't know, and I too found it exhausting, overwhelming and frequently not that enjoyable. Then when I was 40 I invited a friend of mine to such a party who is an ultra sensitive soul like me. She wisely responded that she doesn't go to large parties because they are too much for her. I thought good on her for identifying that it is not her thing and I realised for myself I am not obligated to go to large parties. But I still think it's good in this case you went to see your nephew and connect with family. I think setting a time limit can be a good idea and not feeling pressured to stay longer than you feel up to. I still think you deserve a gold star for making the effort to go 🌟🙂

Yes, I think the doggy night light would make me happy 😀 It's not like I technically need it in that I have enough lamps. But I'll have another look at the ones I saw online. I think the thought about it leading to settling after a bad dream is a wonderful one, and the thought about a whimsical distraction from fear surges is so helpful too. I am really trying to nurture my baby and small child self at the moment and parent her in the way she wasn't when I was actually small. What happened with the EMDR was bizarre as it took me right back to my terrified baby self. One morning I woke with total amnesia and could not use my mind cognitively. It was like my memory hd been wiped and was totally blank. Over the course of an hour I slowly reconstituted who I am - my name, date of birth, where I live etc. All I could feel was terror and it was like I had dementia. I think I'd literally returned to being the tiny terrified baby I was before things like conscious memory and cognitions have developed. I was just raw impulse and instinct. I have being experiencing a really strong self-destructive drive (fortunately starting to alleviate now) which I know is also what a baby does if abandoned at birth. You actually start to give up. I have also started to cry and then stop, also a sign of what a baby does when no one is there and they go into helplessness. Anything that can help my small self feel safer and more secure is a good thing.

I'm about to change camera lenses so my camera is good to go with a general standard zoom on it while I'm away. I'm going to try to do some photography as therapy. I've also got a prime lens I will take that is good for low light and I plan to do some street photography with it. I'm quite keen to try some night street photography. I did that a bit in Melbourne and loved it. I am starting to have some positive feelings again and want to do things.

I really hope you can get a good sleep tonight Paws and feel nice and relaxed. Maybe think of cute doggy night lights 😂🐶💡

Take care and warm hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I hope your appointment with the liver specialist was helpful lass.  What a great idea having some photography plans to help your mental health while you are in the city.  Will you have time to catch up with your friend & her little one?

Oh lass your waking with amnesia must have been terrifying, especially it lasting for so long.  With my epilepsy before I went on meds my absence seizures used to leave me with a complete blank on things like where I was, though never on who I was & it only lasted a few minutes & that was so frightening, I can't even begin to imagine how terrifying what you experienced must have been, especially as you had never experienced it before.  Recognising yourself & the things around you is such a fundamental thing that we mostly do without thinking. Your having a pure visceral reaction of terror is such a pre cognitive reaction & makes complete sense.

With looking for ways to nurture your inner child, have you thought of perhaps using your photography as a means of doing that.  I'm thinking of taking a small soft toy like a teddy or a whimsical small ornament like a hippo or walrus 🤣 & taking photos of it in different settings, which could be in nature or indoors where it tells a little story in one snap shot.  Children are good at seeing stories in the simplest of things, perhaps trying to tap into that might find helpful.

I meant to ask before, did you get the issue with your bank card sorted out?

I received an email today about the night light, I bought it from myer & they sent an email saying it was shipped two weeks ago, well today I received one from the supplier telling me they shipped it last Friday.🙄🙄  

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

It’s actually Thursday I see the liver specialist and I get my car serviced tomorrow. It’s making some funny noises 🫣 I think it might be suspension-related. I’m staying with a lovely family who I’ve stayed with before. I went down to the ocean at sunset and the sky was beautiful. I photographed it of course. I’m in the southern end of the city and not sure I’ll see my friend and her daughter this time as they are the opposite end and she has in-laws who’ve just arrived.

The amnesia makes sense now but was terrifying at the time. I feel for you with the absence seizures which would have not been fun. The more I’ve read about other people’s experiences with EMDR I’m truly shocked. One person said they pace 10 hours a day to cope with the adrenaline surges. Another woman had just one session like me 4 years ago and was then a well functioning human with a full-time job. After EMDR her whole system collapsed and she’s had to go on a disability pension and is under ongoing medical care. Others describe collapsing on the ground, screaming, snapping at people in shopping centres, feeling their brain is being zapped, hospitalisation, s/h, struggling to care for their children, losing their personality etc. One woman’s best friend was normal and she said she’s now been manic and hysterical since 2 years ago. There are dozens and dozens of stories where people say it’s made them so much worse. I can believe it after what I’ve experienced. One of the times I called Lifeline I was so panic stricken I think I terrified the counsellor. I feel there should be a 4 Corners expose on it. But I can feel myself improving. I’ve contacted a lovely lady I know who has learned the icaros (healing songs) from shamans in the Amazon. I’ve heard her sing before. She is going to sing to me over the internet next week and I know that will be really healing and rebalancing. I love your healing ideas. I wish I could do a photo of a toy walrus as you suggest and post it here so Croix can see it 🤣

Well one bank card never arrived and had to be cancelled. Fortunately I have another one attached to another account that only had $10 in it. But I transferred the balance of the other account into it. That one expires a month later but the new one for that has arrived, and a replacement one for the cancelled one is on its way.

How frustrating the mixed messages from Myer and the supplier. I do hope it shows up soon. Sometimes there are good tracking options and you can see where it’s at in the process and other times there isn’t such good tracking support. I’m guessing they would deliver it to your door? I know if you’re not home they sometimes leave a note in the letterbox that it’s been taken to the nearest post office, but I think you would have been notified if that was the case. Fingers crossed the night light is with you soon 🤞💡

I really am starting to feel better I think. I hope you are doing well Paws and back to some good sleeping again. Take good care and sending you a big hug 🤗 

ER

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. I thought I should add there are great success stories with EMDR for anyone reading this, but some people are harmed and it can be unpredictable. My psychologist is really understanding it now anyway and being really supportive. I think psychologists themselves need more education about the risks which are not talked about nearly enough and I get the sense that the training provided isn’t adequate.

Paws, I’m now hatching plans for photographing stuffed animals in unique locations 🤣 I just remembered a trend from years ago when people were stealing other’s garden gnomes, photographing them and sending them as postcards from other locations, as if the gnome was travelling by himself and sending a postcard 😂 I’m not planning on that, but amusing myself with other ideas 🤔