Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Croix,

ER I'm so pleased for you that you are finding the EMDR is helpful for you.  👍👏 You do raise a good point about how doing the somatic work may have "primed" you for EMDR.  Your description of how it felt for you is so easy to follow & understand.  Thank you for sharing that.

Yes I look at the Emperor Penguins (& other creatures) & wonder what the world would be like if we taught our kids to co-operate rather than compete.  You can still do great things without having to walk all over everyone else & no one achieves anything completely on their own anyway.  I'm most definitely not a competitive person & I struggle to understand the mindset that is highly competitive.  

Oh good 🙄I'm not the only one who got side tracked yesterday & completely forgot what she was going to do. You the dishes... me the clothes washing.  I actually only remembered a little over an hour ago that I had forgotten it.

Wow... seeing a Thorny Devil in real life must have been wonderful.  Were you able to sit & watch it go about it's business or did it dash off into cover & therefore was not seen again?  I can honestly say they are one creature I would love to see in the wild just doing their thing... but... & it is a big but... I do not like the temperatures of the places they like to live in.  I am not a desert person.  

Hrrrmph... don't mention this in the Walruses hearing... but the penguins are evading the whiskers rather sneakily...  it seems that when they bring the new supplies of clams from the boat to the igloo... then take the empty shells back to the boat... (we can't have the iceberg start sinking from an excess of clam shells) it is not always empty shells they are taking out... these liberated clams are then cleverly hidden & only indulged when the said Walrus is snoring... They are staying very tight lipped about where they stash them, as they don't want the inebriated kiwis catching on & blabbing.

Bye the bye... has anyone seen Effie since she tangoed away with whales towards who knows where?

Huggily hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

While the EMDR has had a neutralising effect on troubling emotions, I’ve realised over the course of today it’s done the same to all emotions. I’ve read that this is normal as the brain reprocesses things. So I thought I’d just mention that Croix if you do give it a go. I feel very flat and dull at the moment with bits of emotionality coming up out of me here and there. When I’ve done Somatic Experiencing it’s quite the opposite. With that I often have a release of vital life force energy and feel really alive afterwards. So they are definitely very different modalities. I think from reading other people’s accounts that you usually start feeling better with EMDR after a few days but it can leave you feeling numb and even a bit sore and like you’ve got a hangover, which is a bit how I feel at the moment. I should go and hang out with the inebriated kiwis in solidarity 😂

Paws, I am like you - not competitive at all. I’d probably be more ahead in various ways in life if I was more competitive but it’s just not me. I simply enjoy being cooperative more and find it more fulfilling.

The Thorny Devil stayed in one spot for ages so I was able to watch him or her and take photos. They have a funny way of moving that’s hard to explain but it’s like it’s part of their technique of disguising themselves so they look more like something inanimate bring buffeted in the wind. They are so unique. The place I saw one is only a couple of hours out of Perth so it didn’t require heading into the desert interior or very hot temperatures. Mt Matilda just out of Wongan Hills is a small ironstone range, like a tiny version of the way bigger ironstone ranges in more remote parts of WA. I also saw the giant nesting mound of a mallee fowl there.

Thst is most ingenious of the penguins to make it look like they are just removing empty clam shells. I believe they are also using one of those long devices used to pick up rubbish to clamp onto some clams while remaining at a little distance from the walrus, a tusk evasion measure. Thus they can snatch a few and dash off should his whiskers detect their presence. Perhaps Effie has something to do with the secret clam stash. She does have a floating disco on a neighbouring iceberg and the penguins put up the lighting and disco balls for her. Maybe this was in exchange for clam storage 🤔

Hugs,

ER

[Croix]

Dear ER and Paws~

That is a most excellent description, I've no idea why it might work, but certainly seems beneficial for you. Tempting.

You are right about the iceberg, David Rabbitborough would be in his element

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Croix and wave to Paws,

Croix, I just wanted to say it doesn't feel great at the moment post EMDR. The numbness is starting to get to me. I thought I should just give you a heads up that it can feel a bit awful not being able to connect to any emotions, including positive ones. When I say it feels a bit awful, even that feeling is weirdly distant. So I don't feel like myself at the moment. I'm about to email my psychologist for some advice. From things I've read online many people do describe a period of feeling worse before they feel better. It definitely does something to your brain and there is a weird period of adjustment afterwards. I just feel a sense of responsibility to let you know that it can be a strange experience and could be a bit destabilising in some ways. I think people are variable in how they respond.

It's still dark here and there is bright moonlight outside this morning. I'm trying to connect to feeling things. I hope you both have a lovely day,

Hugs,

ER

[Croix]

Dear ER and Paws~

I appreciate the warning, it does make some sort of sense as to deal with deeply rooted pathways/thought patterns in the brain some sort of effect would expect to be felt.

I hope things stablize and you feel better soon

I'm sure Paws will be interested to know that while filming the iceberg David Rabbitborough let slip the secret stash of clams. The inebriated kiwis find they go well wiht thier alcoholic beverage of choice.

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Croix and Paws,

Yes, it really does affect the brain. Both my psych and I realised today I was passing back through the same intensity of nervous system activation that I felt as I went into freeze when abused as a child. The EMDR brought down my dissociative defences around that too much and too suddenly leading to firstly numbing out and then being intensely flooded with distress. It’s normal to pass back through this activation but it was too strong and too much too quickly. Today was truly awful but I am starting to settle a little tonight. I felt like I had a brain injury and was scared I was going to be stuck like that. My system needs to recalibrate now. It is absolutely a brain modifying technique. If you asked me 2 hours ago I would say don’t do it. Now I’m starting to improve I might say do it with caution and much preparation and care. After tomorrow maybe I will think it’s a good thing. I will say that it hasn’t been fun or easy. At first it seemed to be working but then trawled up much more than I could handle. I would still rather do Somatic Experiencing any day over EMDR, but will see how my system goes in the coming days. I just feel I wanted to let you know some unpleasant side effects are possible though not everyone gets them apparently. I would say go gently with it if you try it.

Ah, clams would be a fine, complementary nibble with the kiwis’ own craft brew. I can just see them in their deck chairs and sunglasses downing clams in between sipping beverages. David Rabbitborough can’t quite believe what he is seeing as it defies reality as he understands it in the animal kingdom 🧐

May you both sleep well 😴 

Big hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER, wave to Croix,

Oh lass, it sounds horrible what you are experiencing.  It must have been terrifying to have such an intense response.  It is good you were able to speak with your psych today, that would I think be useful to give you some understanding of what you are going through & to let you know it will pass.  I know you are good at reaching out to help lines, but just a gentle reminder that they are there as you work your way through all this. 

The full moon had a golden tinge tonight.  It looked so much bigger than normal when it was just above the horizon, even though I can only see it through the trees at that height.  It is very still & quiet.  It is only May, but the heater has gone on tonight as it is very nippy here.

Hmm David Rabbitborough may find he will have to pay a... shall we call it a donation... to the penguins after his slip up...  or he may find his ship over run with penguins in search of new yummy nom noms.

gentle hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

I did start feeling better around 10pm last night. This morning I have anxiety and nausea and some distress still surfacing. The hardest thing to deal with is a sense of having lost my identity. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like I can’t access who I was. But last night I did feel a bit myself again. I’m just going to probably take a while to normalise. I called The Blue Knot Foundation yesterday morning and the woman I spoke to was so helpful. She really understood including how it’s affecting the dissociated identities in me as well. I have two parts currently active whose behaviours have totally changed. The Blue Knot lady completely got this as normal and obviously understood a lot about dissociated parts. She has had EMDR herself and also felt off afterwards. I also called Lifeline yesterday afternoon when the emotional flooding got overwhelming again and I had a very understanding lady.

The rising moon is so beautiful. There has been such bright moonlight here the last two nights. If I get up in the night I don’t have to turn lights on as the light floods through the windows. I only have net curtains on some upstairs windows and I’m not drawing the curtains on the downstairs sliding door at the moment, so the moonlight can come in. It’s so amazing when the moon is yellow and just emerging isn’t it.

It sounds like the penguins hijacked David Rabbitborough’s inflatable Zodiac boat that takes him back to his main ship and were doing zoomies around the iceberg in it, refusing to return it unless they received a “donation” as you say. Meanwhile David Rabbitborough is planning a documentary called Kool Kiwis, referencing the presence of kiwis on the iceberg plus their coolness in sunglasses as they sip beverages and dine on clams. He has never seen anything like it and he expects a lot of attention at the next Wildlife Documentary Film Festival. Meanwhile the walrus has woken up and is wondering what happened to his nom noms.

Have a beautiful day ☺️

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Croix,

Lass it is good to hear you have reached out by calling the help lines.  What you are experiencing must be so disorientating.  To have it affecting your dissociated identities as well as feeling you have lost your main identity must make it hard for you to find a point to help you rebalance yourself.  That the Blue Knot lady had experience of EMDR, it's after effects & had come good must give you some assurance that all this will improve for you.  Know I am sitting with you in spirit.  We can sit quietly in your garden in the moonlight & watch the visiting wildlife together.

I have a family do to go to next month which isn't being called a baby shower, but simply a celebration of the baby due later this year.  So now I have to think of a gift.  I'm trying to think of something different to the standard gifts & I am open to all possible suggestions.  Perhaps even something for the parents to be rather than for the bub.

Oh dear... penguins in charge of the zodiac sounds like a recipe for chaos... especially as we know how they never take the easy path to come ashore... in fact I've just heard the penguins are going to try for a spectacular jump over the iceberg in an attempt to take the world record for penguins jumping a zodiac over an iceberg... unfortunately the kiwis on their deck chairs are going to find themselves swept off the iceberg by the attempt... David Rabbitborough may not get his documentary at this rate.  

gentlest of hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

I had a good talk with my psychologist late this afternoon and I am doing better now. I really wasn't good earlier. She was very kind and helpful. I think what I have learned is that EMDR is not for me. My brain is too vulnerable to the bilateral stimulation. It really affected me in negative ways that are too much for me to handle, even though initially it seemed to be working. I feel shattered with exhaustion now but in a better place than I was.

My brain is not up to thinking of gifts for baby or parents of baby right now, but I will put in some thoughts Paws and let you know what I come up with. By the way, did you end up getting a gift for your sister's 60th yet? I know you were struggling to think of wha to get.

Well, the penguin zodiac jump could ruin David Rabbitborough's documentary, or it could provide the most spectacular footage ever of animal behaviour 🤣 It is starting to sound more like a Bond movie and less like a wildlife documentary 🤣

Gentle hugs to both of you too,

ER