Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

The naturopath has sent the info for the B6 blood test to be done through his usual provider. They have collection centres in a town an hour away that I have to go to tomorrow to report income to Centrelink, so I should be able to do both on the same day hopefully. I hope I can sleep tonight otherwise I might not be capable of driving there as I’m already sleep deprived. I do feel so low but I keep trying to distract myself with positive things.

I loved hearing about the Freds in your life and their voracious appetites 😂 I know Labradors can be very enthusiastic eaters, sometimes of objects that are not actually food as well 🙈 You mentioning your fish reminded me of my housemate’s fish called Harrietta. She used to do jumps out of the water at times. One jump was a bit too enthusiastic and involved her launching herself from the bowl. Luckily my housemate was there to rescue her but I then always felt a bit nervous after that if I heard her splashing about.

Ah, yes, you are back to the hot weather. It’s been cool here and a decent rain shower went through a little while ago. I must go down and do the dishes, fill out the Centrelink form, do the pre-payment for the blood test and then work out the procedure and exact location tomorrow for having it done. Sleep well Paws and keep cool in the coming days.

Gentlest of hugs to you too,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I hope you managed some sleep last night.  Neither Centrelink nor having blood taken are fun things to do, hopefully it all went well & you took some time while there to visit a park or some other green space to recharge.

Oh my goodness, Harrietta clearly had an adventurous spirit not normally seen in fish who live in tanks.  It does beg the question... was she watching too many cartoons where fish did this with no ill effects???? 🤣  

There are some old sayings "making a rod for your own back"  & "having all your chickens coming home to roost"  which I am now having apply to me.  Late yesterday evening I lost my water supply.  Bad enough in its self, but I haven't been clearing down the back corner where my meter box & water pump access are located.  My line trimmer which was old finally gave up the ghost a while ago & I have been putting off going to Bunnings to get a new one for ages.  Now I will need to get a brush cutter, as a line trimmer won't cope with the growth & I can't check either my meter box or pump until I cut all the growth away.  Not having water isn't something that I can just work around, I will have to go to big town tomorrow & make a start at clearing.  I need to get this done fast as depending on what I find I may either have to call a Sparky or Plumber to get water flowing again.  I'm going to be mortified who ever I get out as my house & yard are both depressingly out of control.

hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

I managed to get through today but it was hard. I took a sleep med last night (well known sleep hormone) to try to make sure I slept and did manage 6 hours, thank goodness. First venue I went for a blood test I was told they couldn’t do it as a sample for B6 goes into a freezer and they don’t have one. But another place in town does, so got it done there. Has to be wrapped immediately in alfoil too because it’s light sensitive. Interesting 🤔 What was of particular interest to me was registering via the private pathology system I found it seems I can even choose to order my own blood tests! I had no idea about this. As someone who is a natural researcher and problem solver, this may give me the agency to do my own healthcare in the absence of helpful doctors, if I can afford the tests I’m interested in.

When I submitted my forms to Centrelink the person who received them advised I should have included a bunch of things in the expenses and depreciation part of my profit and loss statement and advised seeing a bookkeeper. I said it didn’t feel financially worth it given my very small business income, but she advised it’s better to do it that way. I will look into this for the next reporting period. I’m very disillusioned with the photo agency I’m with at the moment as they’ve done a number of ethically questionable things. So thinking about pulling the plug with them. Some people I know have shown interest in using a large print of one of my images for their business so following up on that and looking at ways to go forward with photo business opportunities completely independent of agencies. I’m very conscious of really not being well a lot of the time, so trying to focus on what is doable within my limitations.

Yes, Harrietta was indeed a spirited fish, quite the character. The TV was visible from her bowl so perhaps she did learn her acrobatic moves from television 🤣

Paws, that’s no good about your water supply. I really wouldn’t worry about what a plumber or sparky may think. I felt a bit self-conscious when I had an electrician here a few months ago and things were rather cluttered. But I could tell his entire focus was on solving the electrical problem, not on my level of tidiness and organisation. Someone I knew a few years ago told me how she had a dugite (very poisonous snake species) in her laundry basket 🧺🐍 I asked if she called in the snake catcher. She said, “Oh no, I couldn’t, my house was way too messy”. She just waited for the snake to eventually go back outside. She’s terrified of snakes but her son who loves them thought it was incredibly cool to have a snake visitor.

I’m wondering whether you may have a local handy person who could do the brush cutting for you so you don’t have to buy a brush cutter? Would perhaps the local village store be a place to ask if such a person is in the area? I guess you can buy bottled water in the form of those large dispensers, but I don’t know if your local store has those? Also, they can be heavy, so take care carrying them if you buy any. I’m pretty sure Woolies would have them. But it will be a pain indeed not having water, not being able to have a shower etc. Don’t hesitate to ask for any help you need. It’s important to get your water supply back soon. 

Take care Paws,

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

That is so good to hear that you managed to get some sleep.  You are right that is fascinating about your blood sample having to be wrapped in tinfoil, I wonder how sunlight affects the B6 readings.  (I will be googling this)  I'm guessing that if someone is willing to pay there isn't really any medical reason not to let them order their own blood tests.  I suppose the only possible risk would be how the test results would be interpreted by someone without any understanding of what the results might mean.  

If you aren't happy with the agency then pulling the plug is probably the best way to go.  You will need to work out if going solo is something that you can afford as I would guess it would take time to get your name & work out there & noticed by those who would pay for an image.  Though that might work in your favour, being limited now as what you can manage, you could grow your business in step with your health improving.  It is hard for a micro business like yours to afford ongoing book keeper assistance as the costs can wipe out what little profit they might make.  Do you know anyone who uses a book keeper that they could recommend or who is a book keeper.  It might be worth your while to have a single session with a book keeper to show them your account keeping & have them show you what you need to record & how to show it on your profit & loss statement.  Your assets & liabilities would not be large I imagine & it should be easy for a book keeper to show you the ropes, especially how to calculate & show depreciation or right off of assets.  As part of my position at my last job, I used to do the book keeping & if I can do it, anyone can.

Unfortunately there are no handymen hereabouts as I have been looking for one since moving here.  I used to have a gardener who mowed & cleared along fence lines etc, but he is no longer available & none of the other local gardeners do outside the townships.  My neighbour did put his cows in my paddock & mow the verge with his tractor for a few months, but he is gone now too.  I went to big town & bought the brush cutter this afternoon.  It was too hot this morning to go, but the drop in temp started coming through about lunch time ahead of the cool change.  The cool change proper is just starting to come through with winds to clear the humidity away.  As today is a day of total fire ban & working machinery like mowers or brush cutters isn't allowed I will get out tomorrow morning & make a start.  It will also allow me to fully charge the battery.

I would honestly like to trade my head in... after going to Bunnings, I drove past Woolies & thought that I needed to get something from there, but couldn't remember what... got home & remembered I meant to get water... grrr I am an idiot.  I will go to the general store tomorrow & see what water options they stock.  

I hope you rested up after your trip into town.

hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

I do hope you have some access to water. Can you get it straight from your rainwater tank - e.g. via a tap? Do you have any water on hand at all? I really hope you have something to drink. Make sure you are hydrated somehow. I can’t help feeling a bit concerned about you not having water. I know they are some distance away but are there family members who could come and help out with the brush cutting and bring you some water supplies?

Thanks for the suggestions re: bookkeeping. It would be good to know the basics at least. I might check the local public library for books on basic bookkeeping skills as well and there’s almost certainly going to be info on the internet.

I’ve had the strangest day. A family friend in another city who knew my mum growing up has been suggesting I come and stay with them. After another conversation with her a couple of nights ago I decided maybe I would and it would be like a kind of closure in relation to my mum who had wanted to revisit her home city but never got the chance. So although I’m trying to save money at the moment, I thought I can use points I have towards the airfare and I’ll have accommodation. But this family friend has a son slightly older than me who’s on his own and I have the feeling there is a bit of a set-up going on based on comments made. But I thought I can just have boundaries around that if it doesn’t feel right when I’m there. But I spent about 3 hours trying to book the tickets this afternoon and encountered nothing but error pages and obstacles. I couldn’t get the system to work with my points which should be valid. I eventually called the airline and was directed to one person then another then another until I ended up with an automated voice message telling me I was now in a long phone queue. At this point I gave up.

The weirdest thing is the last time I had this particular strange feeling was the day my mum’s heart failed. All day she had said she felt strange and I actually felt weird too, like I was picking up something’s wrong. I don’t think there’s anything about to happen with my health now. It’s more like a premonition feeling or a sense that maybe I’m not meant to go on this trip. It almost feels like my mum sending a message saying no, you’re not meant to go. It feels really, really weird.

Feeling so out of sorts I went for another coastal walk at Fred’s favourite haunt but still didn’t see him. I still feel weirdly dissociated now and not really present. I’ve had this sort of feeling before when something’s happened with a family member. I’m also wondering about my brother whose partner had an operation a few days ago. I wonder if something is up there. Will check.

So I am ok, but I know this weird feeling means something. It always has in the past. Trying to bring myself back to my present environment, I’ve had Splendid Fairywrens very active in my garden today, including a bright blue male. The birds are making all their early evening noises now as it approaches sunset. I’m about to get up and cook myself a Thai green chicken curry.

Well take care Paws and please don’t hesitate to ask for any help you need. I was thinking even just going to a neighbouring property with some containers, I think they’d fill them up for you.

Take good care Paws and I hope all goes smoothly tomorrow with brush cutting and getting water.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

How unsettling for you to be feeling that sense of unease.  My logical sense says there is nothing too it, yet my instinctive response is to trust such feelings, I tend to go with my instinctive senses at these times.  We have these instinctive feeling for a reason, they have over millennia been what keeps us safe, even if these days we don't as a rule have to worry about hungry lions. 🦁  I'm keeping everything crossed that everyone is well & I'm really hoping that this is just your bodies response to having your mum's life bought into focus with this connection to an old family friend.  You're thinking it might help bring closure, but your instincts are saying this might dredge up a lot of pain for you to get through first.  

Lass perhaps if you put off trying to book the travel until Monday or Tuesday & then see how it goes.  Maybe having a few days to process the whole idea & associated feelings will make it easier for you settle on a choice that is best for you.

No need to be concerned about my fluid intake, I'm a big milk drinker & always have enough on hand.  I can't get to my tank until I clear all the overgrown vegetation away.  I still haven't started brush cutting as I stressed myself out going to Bunnings & my anxiety levels needed to come down.  I know it is foolish, but the reason I had put off going to Bunnings to get things I needed before now, was because they took over the land next door & rebuilt/enlarged the store & I'm not good with not knowing my way around a place, it unsettles me & makes me anxious.  So of course I put off & put off & put off going there.  

I'm going to go back to Woolies in the morning & buy enough water to enable me to flush the toilet over the next few days, which is the biggest issue with having no water.  I'm not doing any cooking, just sandwiches or crackers to keep the dishes that need doing down.  I did go to the general store today, but they only stock the 250ml water so no help.  

Do take things easy with the way you are feeling, perhaps losing yourself on the computer with your photos or focussing on a walk, whatever helps you to have a break & hopefully rebalance.  

Big 🐻 hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Paws,

I think you've likely hit the nail on the head - that the uneasy feeling has something to do with potentially dredging up a lot of pain. My mum's home city was for her a place of great pain and broken-heartedness. Therefore she had very mixed feelings about revisiting but she too was looking for closure and thought it might help. She was hoping to maybe go in the year before she died but her health really wasn't up to it. She wanted me to go with her and I wanted to, but I was also trying to finish studies at the time and said I could once that was over. I kind of wish I'd said stuff it to the studies and just gone with her, yet the reality was her health was too fragile. So I think these complex emotions including those surrounding her death are surfacing and leaving me with those feelings I had leading up to her death.

Yes, I've postponed pursuing trying to buy the air tickets for now. Soon I am going late this afternoon to my favourite rocky hill by the ocean. Often things become clear there. I can drop into this different state of consciousness and it often brings up imagery and feelings and a sense of clarity that give me a way forward. It is easier to do that there than it is here at home. It might tell me how best to proceed.

I do understand about being put off by things all being re-arranged. Some of those Bunnings stores are truly enormous! I have walked up and down aisles, thinking I am reading signage correctly, but no matter where I go I often still can't find what I'm looking for. I then have to ask a staff member and they are usually pretty helpful. But I do get that overwhelming feeling and I have felt a bit panicky with it before. I think those of us sensitive people can feel that way. I guess one way of looking at it is knowing that once you do know your way around a place it feels fine. I remember starting new jobs and really being quite terrified, especially by new computer software 😨 But, the thing is, I became competent in it. I remember starting work at a large retail store where they just put you at the point of sale and said "go!". No training in how to use it. I had to keep asking a co-worker what to do. But the funny thing was about 2 months later I was training a manager from another store in how to use the system. So once you know the new Bunnings well Paws I'm sure it will be a more relaxing experience, but I get how you feel.

Yes, not being able to flush the toilet is not fun. If you have good cover from the road and neighbours, you could always consider somewhere in your backyard and dig some holes possibly? I'm not sure the size of your property but there may be somewhere discrete. When I am out bushwalking and nature calls, I sometimes find a spot off the track. I always think to myself at the time how weird toilets actually are and that humans survived for millennia without them. We've created this strange sort of world we live in now. When Covid first happened, people's biggest fear seemed to be no toilet paper, even bigger than the fear of trying to get enough food. And for people in high rise apartments in lockdowns you can understand the concern.

You take it easy too Paws. There should be a few options at Woolies. You can sometimes get those large water dispensers that are a few litres (but don't hurt your back lifting one of those). Another thing I thought of is service stations usually have a tap next to where you can put air in your tyres. You could fill up some containers there.

Thank you and I will head off shortly into nature for some healing time.

Big hugs to you too 🤗

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I do hope visiting your favourite hill helped to find an oasis of calmness for a little while & that it at least eased some of the emotional turmoil your experiencing lass.  How are you doing today?  I'm concerned that along with not being able to take that hormone, your emotions must be every which way & trying to process the feelings about your mum that this trip has raised might be causing you to struggle even more with the deep lows you have been having.   

Have you got an appointment soon with your naturopath?  You mentioned possibly starting a supplement that could help with settling your hormones & I'm hoping you can start taking it soon as I'm sure it would need some time for you to feel any effect.  Know I'm happy to sit with you & share a cuppa anytime lass.  You can picture yourself showing me your garden & pointing out where the nestlings like to sit & squark, or the two of us pottering around looking at each plant & noticing all the details of each one.  If you find it a helpful way to get out of your head for a bit, you could even do a written tour of your garden on here, describing each plant as you come to it & what critters like it etc.  

At 4am I dashed outside to put some containers to catch the rain that started to fall, I need not have bothered as it stopped almost as soon as it started.  I have left them out as it is forecast to rain tonight, so fingers crossed.  Having been awake all night tossing I ended up sleeping today away... grrrr.    I've been telling myself off ever since I woke up this evening & I'm determined to do what needs doing tomorrow.   I'm even writing a list so I remember everything & can then cross things off.

In answer to your question, yes there are places in my back yard where I could dig a hole, but knowing my luck if I tried that I would find myself being bitten on the butt by an annoyed tiger snake. 🐍

 I hope you got to see Fred today 🦈

Gentle hugs

Paws

[Croix]

Der Paws and ER~

I've just written you a longer post to t=catch up, however it seems to be a long time arriving. I"ll see what happens and write again if it never arrives

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

Croix, I have had posts go into limbo like that. If it happens on a weekend I find it can take until Monday for them to appear, but hopefully yours may turn up sooner. I hope all is going well for you kind walrus.

Paws, I hope you get some good rain tonight to fill up your containers. I'm guessing you may have had some tossing and turning in the night with some worry about the water situation. It's understandable you subsequently slept in the day. I do hope you are getting some sleep tonight and can feel refreshed tomorrow (actually today for you now with the time difference). I would definitely not hesitate to ask some neighbours to fill your water containers. Water is such a basic necessity and by far the majority of people would want to lend a hand. I hope it all goes smoothly tomorrow with your plans and you are able to tick things off your list, even if you don't tick them all off in a day. Just go at a pace that suits you and is manageable.

Yesterday at my favourite spot by the ocean I did some meditation where I drop into this state where imagery comes to me. I'm increasingly realising this is a useful altered state that taps into different more subliminal intuitive parts of my brain. It's a non-verbal language. I won't try explaining the imagery which would take too long. But basically the sense I'm getting is that my mother in her heart realised how strongly ambivalent she was about returning to visit her home city. Although it seemed like a good idea to try and make peace with the past, there was very little for her to connect with there that would feel good in terms of memories. I think what is happening to me is some part of me knows that and what I may encounter too is a lot of pain and sadness. It was a place of trauma and heartbreak for her. Coming to WA was her escape and she did find some solace here despite ongoing struggles she had. I'm realising it may make more sense for me to be in the place that was more home to her, and her "home" state was never really a home. I'm still not 100% sure, but I'm beginning to doubt I am meant to do this trip.

I don't have an appointment booked yet with the naturopath. The other day when I did the Vitamin B6 test I didn't realise I needed to fast for it. It was in the notes that came with the referral but as I was really not feeling well I just didn't take it all in. My recent liver blood tests haven't required fasting and for some reason I just didn't realise it would be necessary for B6. So I need to redo it for an accurate test and it will make more sense to see the naturopath after that. To be honest I am so over tests and everything. The supplements I currently take are a great help to me but the expense is starting to become a bit stressful. I have the new supplement that supports hormones and hadn't started it yet because I thought it may affect the B6 results, and the scientist in me wanted to know what those results are first. But possibly I should just start it in the possibility it may help me to feel better.

Thank you so much for your kindness and the suggestion of me showing you my garden. It's a garden I feel slightly odd about as I'd always dreamed that if I had my own place I'd plant a native garden to encourage native birds, insects and other wildlife. But what I've inherited here is more an English-style garden. At the moment there is one Hydrangea flower on the Hydrangea bush and some Lavender, Hibiscus and Fuchsia plants flowering. I have roses at the front in all different colours flowering at the moment. I do find, in the back garden at least, that I still get plenty of native birds. The Splendid Fairywrens were very active out there again today. I've seen some Western Spinebills lately too who enjoy the flowers, plus New Holland Honeyeaters, White-browed Scrubwrens and Yellow-rumped Thornbills. The other day I was out there when I suddenly realised a Kookaburra was sitting about 2 metres from me on the washing line, so silently I hadn't even noticed until I looked up.

I didn't see Fred today but I didn't get out for a walk. But I will keep looking for his tell-tale fin whenever I'm out.

It is warm here this evening and I can hear the ocean rolling in. Wishing you a good Sunday Paws and Croix.

Hugs,

ER