Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Paws,

I hope the rain here comes your way. The soft drizzly rain sounds lovely. There is a misty rain so fine here sometimes that you can go for a walk in it without a raincoat and you really don’t get wet. The tiny bits of misty rain seem to sit lightly on clothing then evaporate.

It’s after 3am here and I cannot sleep. My body has gone out of alignment at the moment and is contorted with discomfort. I haven’t needed to see him in years but there’s a practitioner in the city who does a gentle form of chiropractic, quite different to conventional chiropractic. It always fixes this contortion which I used to get a lot when I was younger. I booked into see him and also accommodation a few days. I didn’t want to ask to stay with my friend as I still struggle to keep food down and didn’t want to be like that in someone else’s home. But now an opportunity has come up to look after fluffy cat, her mum’s cat, as her mum is away a few days. But trying to cancel the accommodation tonight was very stressful through AirBnb. I think it will go through but feel like I let the host down even though he said he’s ok with it. I then collapsed in a kind of shame I’ve always had about letting people down. I’m just so exhausted from physical health symptoms as well. If the cancellation doesn’t go through I will probably have to stay with the accommodation to avoid a steep cancellation fee (imposed by AirBnb, not the host). But then I realised how much I need time with my friend and fluffy cat too.

I got a text saying the x-ray results were ready. But when I followed all the complicated links it told me they aren’t actually available until tomorrow. I suspect it’s costochondritis which, along with the contortion in my body, is likely the result of my body retching almost daily with histamine intolerance reactions for months now.

I just feel so incredibly lonely and isolated at the moment. I’m seeing my psychologist at 9:30am and it seems I won’t have any sleep. It will be good to talk to her though. I can actually be truly vulnerable with her whereas I protect others in my life from how bad things are at times. Sorry for rambling about myself. I just collapse in feelings of toxic shame and failure. I feel utterly worthless and have real hatred towards myself. I can at least process those feelings with my psychologist.

Yes, I saw Croix’s “gone fishing”. I think the underwater ramp to get Effie back on the iceberg is an excellent and necessary suggestion. It may encourage her to enter the water more gently too rather than plunging in and soaking the spectators. But as you say elephants are good swimmers and her performance might be quite elegant. It sounds like our respective kiwis may reach an agreement on snow shoes once they have slept off their latest inebriation. I think the kiwis at my end wanted ice skates, but the mayhem may be out of control if that plan goes ahead.

I didn’t walk today but pulled up weeds in the backyard instead. The rain had gone by late afternoon. I hope this is a good day on the way for you Paws.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Lass you don't need to apologise for rambling away... ramble as much as you feel you need to... I've always got a welcoming ear & I don't think I'm the only one who takes something from how you are dealing with everything you have going on in your life.   I'm so very glad you are talking to your psych today... you sound so very low.  

Just a thought for if the cancellation doesn't go through... is it near enough to your friends that you could spend the day with fluffy cat & then go to the airbnb to cook & sleep?  Fluffy cat is so good for your mental health.

Well the BOM got today wrong... it was only meant to reach about 27 & by noon it was already 32... I hate to think what it is now... I'm indoors with the aircon on...  I re-filled the birdbath as soon as it went in the shade, but so far only one taker... 

I need to go into big town to get a certificate from my GP to exempt me because of my mental health. It is always such a song & dance to get it each year that I'm already stressing & I don't understand why my GP won't write one to give me permanent exemption.  My mental health problems aren't suddenly going to be magically cured.  I also have to go into big town to get my bloods taken, so when I go to the GP the results will be in (needs to be a week apart as they are slow here)...  Plus Telstra have stuffed up my billing with the dongle change & so I will need to go in & get that fixed... can't do it via the phone as my phone drops out... I know to most people these would be minor inconveniences... but to me they are major stressors...  These are just the must do's... I also need to do other things in big town, but they just keep being put off & accumulating.

Ice skates on inebriated kiwis... that is a big no!!!    I think mine will convince yours that the clackety clack of snow shoes on the ice in time to the music will make them feel like Fred Astaire tap dancing away.  I'm sure a certain walrus will love it when they do a soft snow shoe shuffle just for him.  I'm wondering if Effie might have a whisper in the ears of some of her hippo neighbours to join in the festivities... the hippo dance from fantasia springs to mind... now I think of it the ostrich dance was quite good too... plus ostriches would be great at shake your tail feather.

Be gentle with yourself lass

🐻hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

Thank you for your kind words. It was a very helpful session with my psych today. I was processing a past experience that was abusive that left me really disconnected from myself from 14 years ago. Sometimes I find that before working through something difficult the most challenging emotions come up. I was made to feel worthless in that experience and so I was lying awake all last night feeling worthless. The somatic work I do with my psychologist uses what comes up from the body's responses and the unconscious. So today when recalling this past situation my body went back to it and how it responded in the present was to become a giant. So basically I was now powerful in the face of the abuser. I was able to walk away from the abuse and I felt my body turn into this giant who was completely safe because of my size. I then walked home to the flat I lived in at the time and shrunk back to normal size to be able to fit back inside my home 😂 There was much more to it than that, but basically I can invoke this giant self now whenever I need to, such as when people are bullying, aggressive etc. These are things my unconscious just spontaneously produces but it just helps having someone with you prompting you to sense and feel into the situation.

The accommodation booking cancellation fortunately went through all ok. I was worried I was letting down the host but given I booked and then cancelled the same day, it wasn't like it had created a disadvantage for him. He was completely fine about it, but me being so anxious I might upset someone (my childhood conditioning) I managed to convince myself he was going to be angry and it wasn't going to go well. I am always anticipating danger. So, anyway, I get to be with fluffy cat for a few days, and see my friend and her baby girl. That is healing medicine for me. I plan to take my guitar and sing some songs for my friend's daughter. I absolutely love young children and being able to share positive experiences with them.

It sounds like it was very uncomfortable weather for you today and not expected. It's forecast to be 37 in Perth on Friday which will be a shock for me. It is frequently 10 degrees or more hotter in Perth than it is here. I hope it's much more comfortable for you this evening and tomorrow too.

What a hassle to have to go into big town for those things. I completely understand you finding those things stressful as I find those sorts of things a stress as well. I think when you are already dealing with mental and/or physical health struggles, those sorts of things feel magnified. Is the exemption related to the DSP? Possibly I will have to do something like that on a yearly basis as well. I'm not sure. I think for me what I find stressful in those situations is the feeling of being under a kind of scrutiny when I know I'm not well enough for certain things but feel like I have to prove it. That's part of why I found the DSP application process quite harrowing. They obviously need checks and balances, but it can feel awful when you already feel vulnerable. I think recognising and caring for that vulnerable part of yourself is important. It's ok to assert what your limitations are. I had such a pattern in the past of downplaying how hard things were for me. I've had to learn to say when I'm not ok and when I have limits about what I can do. I understand the frustration with Telstra too. I think going into the store is a good idea as solving those things over the phone can be really challenging.

Yes, I can see ice skates on inebriated kiwis causing all kinds of chaos - drinks flying, penguins being bowled over and Christmas lights coming down. Yes, the snow shoes are a bit more sedate and safer. Perhaps the kiwis will do a sort of line dance shuffle - country style. Effie may be able to bust out some country tunes for that one. Oh, yes, Fantasia hippos in tutus will blend wonderfully with Effie's cabaret show. And ostriches doing Shake a Tail Feather will be perfect! I can't wait!

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I'm so pleased that your session with your psych was helpful.  Our bodies do remember what we have been through & I think it's wonderful how she guides you through a different response that works for you.

Yay for the cancellation going through.  One less thing to worry about.  You will be a favourite with your friend's little girl if you turn up with your guitar & sing songs with her.   I'm in strife once the kids get to old for Twinkle Twinkle Little Star & Ipsy Wipsy Spider as I don't know any Wiggle songs or whatever is in the current kiddie songbook. 

The weather has been humid here & to mis-quote an old song... Storms to the left of me... Storms to the right... here I am stuck in the middle with no rain.   Though I am glad that at least it isn't hot like yesterday, I would like some of the rain that is falling everywhere else.  

The certificate is for an exemption to do jury service... I stress out spending time with people I know & being around strangers is a big part of my having issues with going to big town.. I have to curate the news & tv shows carefully so as not to be triggered as well... I'm simply not capable of being on a jury or even just spending the day in the jury room with strangers.  This won't change enough, as much as I wish it might.  I hate being made feel guilty for all this.

For the past fortnight Facebook has started filling my feed with pages where people post photographs of various things... from geology, to landscapes, to wildlife... I mention this because this morning there was a glorious photo of..... an Osprey with a fish in it's talons... I immediately thought of the one you mentioned seeing... the detail in the photo was exquisite as was the angle of the shot.  I am enjoying facebook's choices at the moment far more than the sudden flood of AI images I was getting for the month before.  

I've been pondering how we will feed all the guests at the Iceberg Extravaganza... You may know that the new ship for the crossing from Tassie to Vic is currently laid up overseas because the dock in Tassie isn't ready... my kiwis had the brilliant idea that we rescue it from boredom & use it to not only carry supplies south, but pick up any of the guests that miss catching a ride on a passing whale... I'm sure no one would mind if we "borrow it"... think how many northern creatures would love to spend xmas down south... such as maybe Polar Bears????... 

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Yes, the power of the imagination, really the same wavelength as our dreaming selves in healing mode, can produce imagery that resolves and heals past conflict and traumas. In a couple of weeks I have a strata meeting to attend in which one of the residents who has been very bullying towards me in recent months is likely to launch an aggressive attack on me in the meeting, even though it’s completely inappropriate behaviour and irrelevant to strata matters. From comments she’s made it sounds like she’s building up to it. She’s done it before to one of the other strata members, yelling at him at full volume. I’ve also heard her rubbishing me to the strata president. Fortunately he doesn’t take her seriously and he still treats me normally and kindly. But I know I’m going to be ok now because I will just invoke my giant self and she will be tiny and I will be so much bigger she can’t hurt me 😂 Once you can see the other person’s aggression as ridiculous they can’t really get at you.

I understand now about the certificate of exemption. I have never been called up for jury duty. I’m quite glad really as the cases can be quite harrowing. I’m sensitive and feel everything. My mum had to do it once in the context of a distressing case and did not enjoy it. The jury did, however, come to a consensus she agreed with. Paws, you absolutely don’t need to feel guilty about it. You are doing the right thing by yourself. It is very wise to avoid triggers and stay within the context of what feels comfortable and safe. If it helps, I’m with you in spirit when you visit the GP, supporting you in your decision. Sometimes it helps to not feel alone when asserting what our needs are.

How wonderful you are seeing those images on Facebook. I agree, they are much better than AI generated ones. I still don’t enjoy looking at AI images to be honest because I can feel they are not real looking at them. They just don’t speak to me. Those photos of Ospreys catching fish are amazing. Their power and stealth is phenomenal. There’s a pair here that have a nest atop a Norfolk Island Pine, so you see them catch a fish and take it up to the nest.

Tomorrow I head to the city for petsitting and a medical appointment. I was going to go today to stop half way as I find the drive quite exhausting. But I awoke with migraine symptoms and had a bad histamine reaction at lunch. So I ended up coughing, spluttering and throwing up for much of the afternoon. But then I started relearning a song I used to sing  and play and I think singing could be a really good avenue for healing my histamine reactivity which includes mast cells releasing histamine unnecessarily. It’s almost certainly mast cell activation syndrome now which is sometimes called ptsd of the immune system. I am trying to teach my immune system it has nothing to worry about. Singing really stimulates the vagus nerve which is very healing and can create feelings of safety.

What a fantastic idea to “borrow” the new ship for crossing the Bass Straight. While collecting it from the northern hemisphere we can, as you say, also collect creatures from the North Pole. Polar bears could put on impressive wrestling displays. Narwhals with their long tusks can be useful for games of quoits where rings are thrown onto their pointy dentition. Puffins, Snowy Owls and Arctic Foxes will bring character and style to the iceberg. Perhaps there might even be a fashion show as to who has the most impressive feathers or fur. I think I better start building a cat walk.

I’m off for a late walk before the sun sets. Sleep well Paws and wishing you a lovely evening and tomorrow too.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I hope the drive wasn't too stressful & that you are now settled in & receiving lots of fluffy cat therapy.  

Singing has a lot of physical & mental heath benefits.  Especially in the lower register, with slower more melodic tunes.  It's why we instinctively sing lullabies or talk in a sing song voice to small children & animals.  It benefits both the singer & the listener.  Singing helps to regulate our breathing & our heart rate.  Plus as you mention the it stimulates the vagus nerve. So I can see how you are finding it helpful with dealing with your histamine issues.  I always find it so helpful when you talk about the various ways you are trying to heal/manage both your physical & mental health.  I hope others reading find it just as beneficial to see there are so many different ways we can try when looking for a way to heal.

AI hasn't been around very long, but I already loathe it in all its manifestations.  I think not only should anything made by AI have to be clearly marked as such by law, but they should make it possible to opt out of receiving AI in any form on any site.  Actually even better would be having to opt in if you are willing to see/hear/read AI.  They might just see how many of us simply aren't interested.  It bugs me when people reply that "well photos have been manipulated for ever"... as you would know being a photographer, if you want to alter a photo it takes imagination & creativity to do so... something lacking in AI.   OK that's my gripe for the day done.

Well idiot me stressed myself out so much on Wednesday I ended up giving myself nightmares as well as a major tension headache all Thursday.  Thankfully I am up this morning feeling better even though I still had bad dreams last night.  I'm going to spend today doing all my calming techniques/activities & go into Telstra tomorrow which is forecast to be a cooler day. 

I hadn't thought of Narwhales... yes they would be a fun addition... I was thinking of the Polar Bears more as offering soft furry cuddles or as fluffy pillows for sleeping... I've seen the doco's where the cubs all pile up together with their mum to sleep in one big pile of fluffy adorableness...  who wouldn't want to join in that?...  

a cat walk for a fashion show is a great idea... though it had better not be a competition or we might find it designed for the unwary to walk right off the edge of the iceberg... you can never truly trust an inebriated kiwi or a plotting penguin.

Enjoy your time with your friend & her little girl... give fluffy cat a pat from me.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Well it took me 8 hours and 45 minutes between when I left home yesterday and arrived here. I was just so extremely tired and weak and had to stop 5 times. At one stage I parked my car under a tree and had a sleep in the back seat. It just felt like the safe thing to do to make sure I was ok for driving. I’m fairly convinced now I should break the drive up on the way home by staying somewhere.

Yes, it’s so true how singing helps us, and already I’ve been talking in my small children voice and cute pet voice since I arrived. I try not to use the exact same voice for my friend’s little girl that I do for the cat, just so it doesn’t feel like I’m treating her like a pet. But I definitely use my encouraging, nurturing voice. We looked at her favourite board book last night and did a jigsaw puzzle with animals. It’s so nice to see my friend and her husband too. They are a beautiful family 🥰

Yes, one of the disturbing things about AI is the way they have used all these images by photographers to train their systems without compensating those photographers in many instances. When you search google images now, you don’t just get photos but AI pics. I saw that recently when I looked up jumping spiders. At this stage anyway my eyes can still distinguish the AI pics from the real photos. Something just feels off about the AI images. I think there will always be people wanting real images and there might be a backlash against AI in favour of authenticity. AI will likely have some good applications such as in medical fields, but there are concerns and potential pitfalls too.

Paws, you poor thing with the nightmares and tension headaches. I totally understand. It’s very easy to happen when something is anxiety inducing. Right now fluffy cat is pressed up against the left side of my head and ear (I’m still in bed). She is purring like a steam train and I can feel it resonating through my brain. I said, “Hey fluffy cat, let’s send Paws some healing resonance”. So she is now sending healing, calming resonant purrs your way 🐱🥰  

Oh I think soft furry cuddles and pillows for sleeping provided by polar bears sounds ideal for the iceberg. That could be the chill out area for anyone who needs a break from the extravaganza. At the moment fluffy cat has had a hair cut. But she promised to regrow her luxuriant fur so she can parade it on the cat walk.

I am giving fluffy cat pats from you and she is sending loving, resonate purrs back. I think she is recalibrating my brain at the moment. I’m starting to feel sleepy again and might fall asleep.

Take care paws and have a restful day.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oh lass what a horrible drive for you to have to make.  I'm glad you pulled off & had a nap, but even with the other rest breaks 8 1/2 hours is an exhausting amount of time to be travelling for.  I think breaking your journey home with an overnight stop off somewhere sounds like a good idea.  

Did you see the article on the ABC new site on Friday about the annual wildlife photographer awards?  It showed the finalists in the peoples choice award which anyone can vote in.  I keep changing my mind as to which one I like best... it is a toss up between the badger pic & the pic titled whiteout, though there are a couple of others I think good enough to win.

Well it seems Fluffy Cat's purrs worked wonders & definitely recalibrated my brain.  I slept without nightmare or bad dreams, the only downside I slept in too late to make it into town.  I'm not stressed about it & do feel much brighter today, that may be helped by the fact it is cool & has rained all day.

Yay I found the mislaid operating instructions for the wildlife camera... it had slid underneath my printer... now I can finally set the camera up & put it outside.  At last...  🙃 😊

I really hope your histamine issues stay settled while you visit your friend & that you have the energy to enjoy your time there.  I'm sure the extra dopamine you get by being with fluffy cat & your friend's little girl will do you the world of good.  

Hugs & pats

Paws