Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

When I am photographing birds and other wildlife I mostly hold the lens. The lens I have is actually not that heavy for its size. However, I do have a tripod and monopod. I have used the monopod a bit for wildlife. It's basically a single pole that takes the weight of the lens but you obviously still have to hold it. It's a bit more flexible compared to a tripod in that you can quickly move it if you are taking images. I do have a tripod but use that for landscape photography and night photography situations where I'm using long exposures. A tripod can be useful for birds though if you have a perch you know a bird is likely to land on. A good attachment for a tripod if you are photographing wildlife is a gimbal head which I don't have for my tripod but I have thought about getting one. You can also get ground pods for working lying on the ground. Many bird photographers do this with shorebirds because when you are at their ground level you get a much nicer shallow depth of field effect with a soft background. 

I love that smell of rain in the air. I have never heard of the word petrichor before. It's lovely how that effect releases the oils and scents of plants. Thinking of fresh rain you have reminded me of an experience many years ago. I was commuting through the city in the morning, probably around 7:30 or 8am. A fresh rain shower had gone through leaving that beautiful fresh rain smell. A woman was singing in Forrest Place while commuters were moving through on their way to work. She had the most beautiful voice and it was echoing through the city. She was singing Amazing Grace. The combination of that and the fresh rain smell was magical.

That's so interesting seeing the deer. I imagine they could be moving about because of drought. I have never seen a feral deer. I just looked up to see if they are here in WA and apparently there are some populations spread across the state, even some in my general area though apparently less than some other areas. From what I have just read, it sounds like Victoria and Tasmania have the most deer. I have had feral pigs cross the road in front of me before.

That's really tough for your local farmers, dealing with the impacts of drought. It was becoming quite dire around here before last winter and you could visibly see the impacts on livestock. We have fortunately had decent winter rains, whereas it sounds like you have still not had enough. There is a warming and drying trend in much of Australia it seems, certainly very much so in south-west WA. In thinking about moving back to Perth, I was reading that Perth could have twice as many days over 35 degrees than it does now by 2050. It already has hot summers. I feel like the climate where I am now is pretty ideal so I have mixed feelings about going to where things will be increasingly sweltering. Even if it heats up here, it will still be milder than Perth.

I agree that there are so many messages to override our bodies. I am thinking of ads now too for painkillers where instead of a person maybe tending to why they have a headache and resting, they pop a pill and push on. I have got to the point where gently following my body has become really the only option as my body can't be pushed anymore. Today I lay on the couch for a rest and was soon asleep. When I woke I did feel like movement and went for a walk. I'd had bad histamine intolerance symptoms again in the morning, but I think the afternoon nap really helped calm that. When you look at dogs and cats, they just follow their bodies. When they need to rest and sleep they do. And when they need action and movement they become active and move. They often stretch after a sleep and follow whatever their bodies need.

Have a lovely day tomorrow.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

You must have very steady hands to be able to hold the camera & the lens to take photos, even if the lens is reasonably light.  It sounds as though photography has been something you have enjoyed for many years, as I'm sure you have bought your gear gradually whenever you were in a position to do so.  I would like to think, that as you feel able to do more in the future, photography may be a way for you to meet people & have a connection with them.  Even if at present you're not up to joining a photography group that actually meets up, perhaps an online group or a citizen science online project might be a good starting point. 

Amazing Grace sung well in a place that amplifies/echoes would be lovely... add in that fresh just rained smell & I can understand you finding it magical & why it has stayed with you in your memory.  

There are populations of feral pigs throughout Victoria.  The thing that makes me angry is however much time & money is spent trying to eradicate them, it is all undone by idiots who release more so they have something to hunt.  That you also have them near where you live shows just how adaptable & invasive they are.  

You are right about dogs & cats following what their bodies need.  We humans in our modern, watch the clock lifestyle, have gotten too far away from listening to the rhythms of nature & of our bodies.  I'm glad your afternoon nap left you feeling refreshed.  

I have just received the letter that tells me it is time to renew my licence, so I will have to go into big town to do that... blah...   I can't believe it has already been 10 years since I last renewed it.  Where did that time go.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Many lenses and cameras now have inbuilt image stabilisation which minimises the effect of any shakiness. So that helps me out a lot. I have been accumulating camera gear since 2010 so have quite a few bits and pieces now. I do participate in an online photography community. I did belong to a group for a while in the city that went out and did photography. I did feel like a bit of a misfit though as they were very competitive with one another and I’m just not that way at all. Then there was a night photography group I went along to which I loved. I also belonged to a camera club for two years. I learned a lot there and enjoyed it. If I return to the city there will be more opportunities to meet with other photographers.

I have heard about that thing of people deliberately releasing feral pigs to hunt them. They don’t care about the impact on the environment. They are apparently quite a major problem in the area east of here.

Yes, I always find it a bit of a surprise when the license renewal comes around. I just looked up my nearest licensing centre and it’s an hour’s drive away for me too. I hope at least you can get a few other things done in big town.

I’m having a sleepless night due to itching from a chronic skin condition on my foot. Just past 1:30am. I had several good cries yesterday. I’ve recognised some of the chronic histamine intolerance symptoms as also being present during a highly stressful period involving a stressful situation and deep loss at the age of 18-19. I’ve discussed it with my psychologist and we are going to do somatic work on it this Wednesday. It was a really buried experience that I managed to write about to her in an email two years ago but was still unable to speak about it then. While hormones have been a major driver of histamine intolerance, so is stress. So I aim to release the stuck trauma that has been trapped in my body for 31 years. The grief coming out in the last day I know is the beginning of that process. I’m letting go on so many levels at the moment of so many things.

It’s a warmer night and the leaves of trees are rustling outside. I always have my window open unless it is really cold or raining. Something is humming and I wonder if it’s a generator somewhere.

I hope you are having a good sleep Paws. I know your sleep patterns can be reversed too so you might also be awake. May the day ahead be a good one.

Hugs,

ER

[quirkywords]

Just catching up with this thread .

Paws thanks for your support and honesty and thanks to everyone who contributes.
I had a weird day. I got up early to get the train on a 3 hr trip to attend a play in Sydney to see my grand daughter. Half way there I had to get of train as I was unwell and had to return home. I was disappointed to miss her .

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Quirky and Paws,

Quirky, I’m sorry you couldn’t make it to to see your granddaughter. It’s no fun at all trying to travel when you feel unwell. So I’m sure you did the right thing taking care of yourself and coming home again. 3 hours is quite a long trip. I hope you are feeling better today.

In NSW and Victoria the regional train network is much more extensive than here in WA. Here there is basically a line that goes to Kalgoorlie and one that goes to Bunbury. For the rest of the vast state you have to go by bus or plane if not driving. I would like to travel east and do some train trips out to different places. On my recent visit to Melbourne I enjoyed being able to do a day trip to Geelong by train.

It is a beautiful sunny day here. I hope you both have a lovely day.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Quirky,

Quirky I'm sorry you missed seeing your granddaughter, that would be so disappointing.  As ER said, it is best to look after yourself rather than trying to push through.  I'm sure your granddaughter understands.

ER allowing ourselves to cry & being able to recognise it for what it is & why we need to is an important step in healing I believe.  I wish I could be there for you in support, armed with lots of cuppas & a shoulder.  I hope you feel up to beginning to talk things out with your psychologist tomorrow, tears & all.  As we both know being able to start to talk about things is often the biggest hurdle to our recovery that we need to get over.

I'm sure you have used whatever meds you have for your itchy foot, but clearly they don't stop the itch enough for you to not feel it.  Have you spoken to your doctor or chemist about whether you could use a numbing cream/gel on the spot & at least get some relief?   

Suffering from major histamine intolerance at times of high stress makes physiological sense as our fight/flight responses affect so many of our systems, including digestive.  So many studies over the past few years have shown the link between our gut health & our mental/physical health & vice versa.  Some doctors are now referring to our digestive system as our second brain given how much it affects other systems in our body.

I spent from the wee hours of Sunday night (or should that be Monday morning?) until just a couple of hours ago mostly in bed.  I did get up a few times to get a drink, loo visit & even drove to the village to get milk, yet went straight back to bed each time.  It wasn't that I was that tired, rather I just didn't feel up to facing life & actually doing anything how ever small.  I did finally force myself to get up, dressed & have breakfast.  I must admit the longer I am up, the easier I've found it to stay up & the more I feel like doing things. 

Hugs

Paws 

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Quirky,

Paws, I wish I could be there for you and maybe take you for a coffee or an outing somewhere. Sometimes I think it helps to have something that gives us a different and uplifting experience to feel like we can face life again. I do relate to the feeling of the smallest thing feeling overwhelming and too difficult.

I don't know if this helps, but one thing I am recently learning to do is try to treat each day as a gift to myself. I'm so used to seeing everything as a set of overwhelming responsibilities, and for much of my life this was actually the case as I was taking care of numerous others, all the while not even thinking about myself. Now those external responsibilities are no longer there but I can still be in a pattern of putting myself under pressure on a daily basis, feeling overwhelmed by everything. Gradually I am learning to give gifts to myself in the form of activities that I really enjoy and moving towards transforming the overwhelm into a kind of enjoyable opportunity.

I'm just thinking how you have had your own history of taking on responsibilities at a young age. I wonder if that kind of sticks with you and you are still experiencing life as a kind of pressure but you are exhausted now. I think sometimes our bodies continue on as if the past is in the present. It is like a survival energy and the body clings to the pattern because it feels like what we need to do to survive. Yet, actually, we can let go of the pattern.

I've been having the most meaningful conversations with a friend with complex trauma and we have been talking about the importance of surrender, of letting go of all our adaptive strategies from the past. Both of us are learning to let go of trying to control outcomes and the future and simply be present with and for ourselves in this moment now. It's like something starts to shift in the psyche and body when that happens. There is a feeling of I am ok and everything is ok, even if there are challenges.

I am using this approach as much as I can with my current challenges. I had a really good day yesterday with almost no histamine symptoms. Then this morning I made the mistake of eating a small piece of capsicum on its own. I've been able to eat it mixed in stir fries but it does contain a bit of histamine and this morning's reaction was strong and gave me debilitating symptoms for hours. But in the midst of that I kind of let go and accepted the lack of control. I then went to the ocean and swam. The initial cold I thought might help to shift things. I thought that instead of battling away, immersing my body in the cold might set something more primal and autonomic (outside conscious control) in motion. And it did help with the symptoms at least somewhat calming down. So by surrendering to the cold my instinctive body took over and did some rebalancing. I'm not sure if I'm making sense, but I think what I'm trying to say is relinquishment and surrender is sometimes the answer. It is actually an incredible relief to let go. The cold actually makes you let go.

I will be fine talking to my psychologist tomorrow. She is someone I've been able to learn to trust and feel safe with. The somatic work we do is very much about letting go (especially of thoughts) and just letting the body speak. It is incredible how much benefit and insight comes out of this and things begin to resolve.

Take care and sending lots of hugs to you and Quirky too 🤗

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Going for a swim in cold water for its health benefits is something that groups all over the world do.  Even if I was a strong swimmer (which I'm not) I don't think I could do it especially not in winter.  I couldn't even do a cold shower as an alternative.  When I was in Norway, at almost every coastal town that I stopped at, there were small groups who had early morning swims in the cold water of the fjord & then got together for breakfast.  It was something that people of all ages did.  I find it fascinating that you instinctively went for a swim in cold water & that you found it helped.  Have you thought of doing it every day as a way to start your days off?

I'm sure you are right about my old coping strategies & responsibilities still weighing me down.  I feel like I yo-yo between making progress in letting go, all the way back to being overwhelmed by life.  At least these days I am able to allow myself to feel what I am feeling & still remember that it doesn't have to stay so hard.  

I hope your session today was helpful & you are feeling better for it.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I can imagine that the water in Norway would be freezing! But people must really benefit from doing it. I have thought of doing it daily. In fact I’m planning to this afternoon. There is a nice sheltered beach I go to but I knew the wind would be a bit blustery there this morning but changing direction this afternoon and therefore calmer then. The main thing I have to look out for are stingrays who like to bury themselves in the sand. I don’t want to accidentally stand on one.

I had a good session with my psychologist yesterday. I used up lots of tissues. Through sitting with certain emotions somatically I was able to identify two parts of myself in conflict. One is the self-caring part that’s developing and the other is a part that tries to thwart the self-caring part’s efforts. I actually burst out laughing at one point as I could visually see them playing fisticuffs with one another. My psychologist is so good at guiding me through these visualisations and somatic processes. I can see various factors in why I have this self-sabotaging part based on early trauma and inherited trauma. So I have clear things to work with going forward.

As well as the painful loss I was processing from my late teenage years, I was also processing issues relating to birth trauma and the absence of early attachment. A lot of grief comes up of course. During a part where my baby self was beginning to calm in the session, the sabotaging part came in again. Interestingly my histamine symptoms started up, first with a post nasal drip, then cough then I was throwing up off to the side. My psychologist was just compassionately present with me and I could see the exact mechanism of these physiological reactions in relation to emotional trauma. So although the histamine intolerance was triggered in March in relation to the oestrogen in medication, there is a core emotional trauma that is part of it. I’ve managed to heal other physiological symptoms doing somatic exercises with my psychologist, such as major breathing difficulties, so it will be interesting to see if the histamine intolerance heals as the emotional trauma starts to resolve.

In relation to birth trauma, I think my love of being in the ocean is me wanting to return to a pre-birth state in the oceanic womb. I feel free in the water in a way I don’t otherwise. My birth was a traumatic breech birth by forceps, not breathing properly and then straight into a humidicrib with no human contact for 10 days. When I came out my mother couldn’t bond with me and so began a profound separation that never got fully healed. I grew up in non-safety with a feeling of desperately fighting for survival every moment. So the ocean reminds my body of a time before that.

I have identified a belief that I don’t deserve care and this links to early experiences as well as inherited trauma patterns from both my parents. I’ve even identified a strong belief that came down from my grandfather in relation to his war experiences, about not deserving to live. So I can see these things in myself and begin a process of healing them which I know from experience happens through corrective experiences that tell the body it is safe, deserving of care and cared for. Already yesterday I could feel a real letting go in my muscles as stuff got released in and after the session.

Yes, I think allowing yourself to feel what you are feeling is very important. I am learning to allow rather than try to control things, and often some healing naturally emerges out of that. I think the yo-yo-ing you describe is the body seeking to negotiate a new reality and trying to balance old and new ways of being. I’m sure you are making progress even though I know it can feel like it isn’t happening at times. I think any new experiences that give the body a sense of safety, peace, care and support can gradually shift old patterns.

I hope today is a lovely day Paws.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

That your histamine intolerance flared up during your session does seem to show an emotional trauma aspect to it.  In a way that is a good sign in that as you heal from your traumas then you should find the intolerance lessens.  Wouldn't that be wonderful. 

I chuckled at your fisticuff image.  Your psychologist sounds so wonderful the way she holds the space for you to explore & process.  Not having that early bonding would have affected every aspect of your growing up &  I understand how your grandfather's experience/trauma was passed down & then became entwined in your own traumas.  I think that as earlier generations were expected to "just get on" without any help, they could not help but pass their pain & lack of healing on as it framed a large part of who they became.

I also battle the belief that I'm not worth care or deserving of good things.  Self sabotaging is something I could win a gold medal for.  Even so I do consider I have made progress as at least now I am aware that it isn't how it has to be.  I am feeling better today even if I did spend much of it in bed.  My house is so cluttered with things everywhere they shouldn't be & piles of stuff to be sorted.  It is amazing how one thing left on the benchtop manages very quickly to attract other things until the bench top can't be seen.  My kitchen table is the same as well as stuff piled in corners of each room.  My staying in bed did have a benefit as I managed to ponder how to tackle the accumulated stuff without being overwhelmed by the sight of it.  I intend to make a start this evening & will take any progress however small as a win.  

One thing I noticed in Norway was how the cold water swimmers were mostly women & I did speak with one group who were all older ladies.  They spoke of how just a short swim of about 10 minutes would give them energy for the rest of the day.  They all had thick warm robes for when they came out & they weren't in a rush to leave as they shared breakfast there by their cars.  I dipped my fingers in the water & I think they must have been part polar bear to even last 5 seconds.  That is one of the things that stays with me from my time in Norway, the friendliness of everyday people.

I hope you had a good sleep last night after your session & the weather has been good today to enable you to get out in nature

Hugs

Paws