Should we "harden up"

[white knight]

I was first told that by a colleague in the Airforce at 17yo, then as a prison warder at 21yo then as a crowd controller at 29yo seems every job I took on, eventually someone saw my emotional side and mistook that for weakness. But that side also caused a problem, once my weakness was judged, the opportunists would circle like sharks, eager to dominate, intimidate and control. By the time I reached 35yo I knew a change was needed. But there were a series of questions- do I imitate them? Call on my knights armour I developed while working in the jail?  Remain a victim of tyrants? Or try something else?.

What was crucial was that I not ever sell myself out of my kind side. To become some tough guy all the time would result in losing an important piece of who I was. A permant mask. So, I decided to create a defensive strategy along with an early warning system. It was trial and error.

Predicting conflict isn't easy but if you prepare for it with everyone new in your life you react quicker. Unjustified criticism by a work colleague in a job you've just commenced is a good example and quick wit helps. Quickly replying (with a question) "so Billy, I thought James was my supervisor"?. Put Billy in his place and he becomes wary with a repeat. If he tries to justify then reply "we'll you're  addressing me like I'm your student... why is that"?

So, be prepared, use wit to keep replies short with greater impact and answer with questions compelling the aggressor to justify poor behaviour. The faster your reply the greater the shock value. 

"Hardening up" doesn't mean losing your priceless emotional/empathetic side, it means surviving better in what can be a nasty environment that has the aggressors ground rules. Defending yourself prevents ongoing torment. Set your standards early being firm, fair and reasonable without aggression. Return the ball to their court... most times they'll apologise and it's nipped in the bud.

TonyWK 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Tony,

Thank you so much for this post. I very much agree with it. I am also a sensitive person and I’ve been subject to the bullying of aggressors at times, starting from childhood. It’s taken me a long time to start knowing how to handle rather than just absorb the stress of it and not know what to do. I think directly addressing their behaviour with wit, honesty and openness is a great way to go.

A few days ago I removed myself from a situation when someone was being very passive aggressive towards me. I can end up being a punching bag for others because I’m gentle and they predict I won’t fight back. But when I clearly but politely articulated I needed to leave and followed through I could see she felt caught out for her behaviour. But I’d like to develop better verbal responses to address what’s actually happening. As a child if I attempted to defend myself it was met with uncontrolled rage which has made me wary of speaking up. I’d like to be able to say something that directly addresses their behaviour and brings the passive aggression out into the open rather than just explaining I’m leaving. I think it can be done in a skilled way that is firm, fair and reasonable as you mention.

I really agree that “hardening up” doesn’t mean losing our empathetic side, and we are actually softening to ourselves because we are being more respectful to ourselves by protecting our boundaries around how we wish to be treated. In the past I would kind of give myself double punishment by beating myself up after someone else had, allowing shame to take over (again a symptom from my childhood where no options for self protection existed other than to collapse and dissociate). 

So thank you for your suggestions. I think with practice it will become increasingly easier to speak up and directly address the other’s behaviour. I find passive aggression particularly difficult because the other person will often deny they’re doing it if challenged, but I think staying firm and assertive while remaining fair and reasonable helps.

ER

[white knight]

Hi ER

Yes sensitivity has a place in this topic.

Here us a article on either

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/wit-the-only-answer-for-torment/td-p/71440

TonyWK 

[Eagle Ray]

Thanks Tony,

I think I remember reading that thread before where you posted a link to it. It’s an interesting topic and good to get various people’s perspectives on it.

One thing I’m conscious of is that I’m so empathetic that I’m aware that if someone is acting passive aggressively, like the other day, or in a bullying manner, it’s so often because of their own insecurities and fears. I’m almost too much of a softy because my empathy often stops me from being firmer with them, knowing they are often a vulnerable human under their aggressive exterior (though this isn’t always the case). Yet, often firmness is exactly what’s needed, though it can be with lightness and humour as well. It depends a bit on the individual situation. But many times I’ve probably given too many concessions to others for behaviours with hurtful intent where I should have responded in an immediate and decisive way, nipping it in the bud and making clear what my boundaries are around such treatment. Then sometimes when boundaries start to be asserted it can come across a bit strongly at first before getting the balance right. It’s still a learning curve for me but getting slowly better at it. If I can feel lighter and brighter in myself regardless of the other’s behaviour, I think that can kind of energetically diffuse the situation too. But sometimes people can really hurt with their behaviour in the moment and there can be a need to be strong with a clear response. It can take time I think for those of us who are sensitive to develop these skills.

Cheers,

ER

[white knight]

I get you.

Passive aggression can be met with measured wit and query.

I often forget to ask questions, as asking them puts the responsibility on them for their comments. It is the key to defusing a conversation that results in you not feeling a void of incapacity and them wary of being so aggressive next time.

A few examples. I'm building a trike ATM, modifying a motorcycle into 3 wheels. I posted a pic on a forum.

Him- "thats a show pony machine"

Me- " why is that"?

Him- "Well you've ruined a motorcycle"

Me- "so if you cannot ride a motorcycle, what do you suggest"?

Him- " oh, didnt realise that"

Me- "thats ok, take care ride safe"

Another . I noticed a lot of bullying to Duchess Meghan and Prince Harry. Certainly they havent done themselves favours but I question the bullying attitudes and disrespect.

Them- "Harry doesnt have my respect, he left the UK and the royal family, he is hopeless and selfish..."

Me- "so Harry did devote 10 years to the Army and served his country"

Them- "he was called bunker Harry as all he did was sit in a bunker and play computer games"

Me- "He did 2 tours of Afghanistan it was only the 2nd tour he was grounded as the Taliban got word he was present, he was under orders not to fly. Are you aware of that"?

Them- "oh, thats not what I heard"

Me- "It's well documented. So how long have you served your country in the armed forces"?

Them- "my great uncle served in the 2nd world war."

Me- "You would be proud. It wouldnt be good if someone didnt show due regard for your uncles commitment. So, 10 years is a long time and you havent served yourself, dont you think thats a bit unfair to anyone to not respect their service"

Them- "Harry's service is no big deal"

Me- "is there a reason you wont answer my question of how long you've served your country"?

Them- " well, I havent myself no. I suppose you've got a point."

Me- "Thankyou, I'm happy you have a history in your family that helped shape freedom so long ago. cheers"

The risk is that one can portray arrogance but thats the way things go when you are correcting someone. Better to have that than tolerate and then dwell on comments unaddressed that people make for whatever their intent.

The wit comes in utilising the persons great uncles war service as a means to compare prince Harry's war service both served their country whereas they hadnt. They made themselves look foolish.

Practice makes perfect.

TonyWK

[randomxx]

Hi there Tony.

l had similar things earlier in life, even from family. So although l could be pretty tough looking if l'd wanted to be , l was also very empathetic and with a sort of sensitive soft side. Plus l'd also had a kind of a bit of a lost for words edge at times too and especially at the sort of times you talk about.

People would spot that and in time start to recognize when they could go in for the dig .

Around early 30s, l'd always known and seen what was going on but l knew it was time to do something about it , bc people will just go on being people, even family, if l didn't.

So what l did was in trying not to change my ways or personality as such itself, l didn't want to have to sound tougher or have some smart mouth through life just to avoid that rubbish. l'd come up with away around it and thought that if l only follow through in saying something, didn't allow myself to get that lost for words moments push myself to get through them and finish the job, that sentence, come back or whatever that may've been, people should start to wise up in time.

l wanted to be me , l liked those sides of me, l just had to somehow stop this impression that l was a push over and well, within only mths of practicing the people and sort of people that would've usually been jumping on an opportunity, started noticing the change and backing off aand with time it all stopped.

l still have to watch it even now bc sometimes l can slip backwards buttt, l find that as long as l follow through , force it out , don't givem anything ammo, all is well.

Still find it sad that we have to resort to certain ways or the vultures start circling buttttt unfortunately to this day it still seems necessary . Although as we all age l've found most do tend to become more sensitive with others too so that also helps.

All the best

rx

[quirkywords]

Tony

great post. I can’t stand up to others as I am a people pleaser and I really find it hard to cope with conflict. If someone is rude or bully’s me I tend to try to improve myself. 

[white knight]

Don't blame yourself though Quirky.

I was lucky, I'd developed an inner armour from my jail job where, you either stood up to threats or you were targeted as a weak link. This lion within me needed to be unleashed at will but only as a defence.

Without such experience I would be the same.

"Beauty within a person doesn't include a ruthless defence... that develops as a necessity for survival.."

TonyWK 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Tony, rx and Quirky,

Yes, I think asking questions is a good idea, even just to clarify the intent of the other person. Sometimes people say something that is meant to be in jest in a light way, sometimes the intent is not so nice and is some kind of put down. Sensing the energy of the person can help if you are actually with them/seeing them. I struggle when people say one thing but you can feel they mean another. I can feel the dissonance.

I have been like you Quirky in many situations where I have thought I must try better or take on the other person's criticisms. That still may often be my first reaction but more and more now I go, hang on a minute, I haven't done anything wrong here. This is their issue, not mine. But I totally get how hard it is to deal with conflict and I still find it difficult.

And rx my first housemate described me as a pushover. I didn't know how to stand up for myself. She was extremely lazy and did no housework. I tried leaving cleaning items in strategic places hoping she would do something. She also thought it was fun to mock me and make sarcastic comments. But the good thing about house sharing is you eventually learn skills in communication because you have to in a shared space. So with each house share I was in I got better at speaking up, communicating my needs etc.

I agree it's sad we still have to worry about circling vultures at times, especially those of us who are sensitive. But I guess in nature you see it too. I have seen it in flocks of magpies and other species where one gets bullied. I guess it's a case of learning to toughen up to the bullies but maintaining our good qualities as well, and wit as you suggest Tony is quite a smart way of doing it. 

[white knight]

ER, communication, the problem quirky has seems to her to not have an answer or one that's apparent. When young and subjected to so many live together situations we learn better.

So here is a few more ideas on "communication ".

Following criticism from someone putting you down-

"OK, so you think I'm inadequate,  I'll go away and think about how I can improve... by the way, how did you learn to be ... adequate".?

Whatever answer they give.. eg "I was taught how to clean and organise by my parents"

Then your answer can include- "we'll when I go away and think how to overcome my inadequacy I'll also think about why I missed out on that education. It must be fulfilling to have such an upbringing"

See how one can- turn the tables, dismiss blame on you personally and make them aware that they are wrong in their approach.?

Too many humans try domination with zero empathy when another easy prey submissive or seemingly weaker human has not the capacity to carry out tasks that they can do easily. Not only do these people have expectations based on their own capacities but they cannot walk in another's shoes ie imagining being the other person that, for whatever reason, missed out on what they learned.

"The boy that was taught how to fix his bike, as a tinkering man he can build a house but shouldn't get angry at his spouse that doesn't know a spanner from a hammer. But his spouse can cook a mean pasta dish that he doesn't acknowledge as an ability..."

TonyWK